Q: My son and daughter-in-law say they have no plans to celebrate Valentine's Day because it just doesn't interest them. They've been married less than a year, and I'd think they'd jump at the chance to celebrate a romantic holiday. Should I be worried?

Jim: It depends on what they mean when they say Valentine's Day doesn't "interest" them. I know many deeply religious people who aren't eager to celebrate Christmas, either, because of how materialistic it has become.

The real measure of your son and daughter-in-law's relationship comes in how they treat and relate to each other the other 364 days a year. The same should be true for all of us. There's nothing inherently wrong with cards and chocolates on Valentine's Day. I can think of worse things than having a day set aside to proclaim undying love for your spouse.

But married couples should make an effort to inject that same passion into their relationship on a (BEGIN ITALS)regular(END ITALS) basis. That doesn't mean we have to break out the fine china and have a candlelight dinner every night. But there are countless ways we can and (BEGIN ITALS)should(END ITALS) express our devotion. We can set aside a regular date night, or send a quick e-mail during the day to say, "I love you and I'm thinking about you." I can guarantee that something along those lines will mean more in July or September than it does on Feb. 14!

This is something that my wife, Jean, and I try to bear in mind even when we're running at a frantic pace and trying to catch up with our boys. If your son and his wife are endeavoring to keep the spark alive throughout the year, that's much more important than whether they participate in Valentine's Day.

Q: I dread Valentine's Day. All of the hype about love and romance only reminds me that none of it exists in my marriage. I gave up hoping for a card or flowers years ago. I'm tired of trying to breathe life into a dead marriage, but I don't believe in divorce.

Juli: Marriage can feel like the loneliest place on earth, especially around Valentine's Day. When you're single, you expect to be lonely, but not when you have a ring on your finger.

There are many reasons why love in marriage fades. Serious problems like addiction, abuse, extramarital affairs and mental illness can certainly extinguish feelings of romance. However, most people "fall out of love" for less sinister reasons. The busyness and stress of work, kids and finances cause a couple to drift apart over the years. One day they wake up to find the only thing they have in common is a tube of toothpaste.

If this is where you and your husband find yourselves, don't give up. There are many things you can do to get your marriage back on track, but sitting back and waiting for flowers isn't one of them!

Marriage counseling is an excellent way to improve your communication and resolve conflicts, but you also need to relearn how to have fun together. Tell your husband how much you miss him. When you do this, be sure to make it sound like an invitation, not a complaint. Reminisce about what caused you to fall in love with him in the first place and tell him what still attracts you to him.

Regardless of how busy you are, make time to play together. This might feel awkward at first, but it will become more comfortable with time. Pursue a new hobby like hiking, cooking classes or volunteering. Don't fall for the line that the grass would be greener in another marriage. Every marriage has dry spells. The grass is actually greener where you water it!

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Q: We have a 7-year-old daughter who has started stealing sweets from the kitchen. This is new behavior, and we're at a loss about discipline for her. She's already lost all of her dessert privileges. What else can we do?

Juli: One of the things that may be complicating your response to your daughter's sweet tooth is that there are really two different parenting issues to deal with. The more obvious issue is your concern about your daughter's diet. It's natural for kids to crave sugary snacks. At 7, your daughter doesn't have the self-control or maturity to limit her intake of unhealthy food. I wouldn't overreact to her desire to eat sweets. Food can easily become a control issue, which can become a precursor for disordered eating in the future. Just be sure that you are modeling moderation in your own diet.

The more serious issue involving your daughter's behavior is trust. Sneaking is a form of deception. That's a big deal. Rather than scolding your daughter about the sweets, I would talk seriously with her about trust in your relationship. Explain to her that if she wants something to eat, all she has to do is ask. Even though you may sometimes say "no" when she asks for a doughnut right before dinner, assure her that you will be sensitive to her needs.

Instead of disciplining her behavior with no dessert, which emphasizes the food issue, consider a consequence that has more to do with building trust in your relationship.

Q: Can you suggest some ways I can connect with my daughter? It's one of my goals for the New Year. She has a good relationship with her mom because they're interested in the same "girl stuff." But she's just about to reach the teen years, and I want her to have a strong bond with her dad, too, especially before she starts dating.

Jim: I can't think of a more worthwhile New Year's resolution! Generally speaking, the most effective thing you can do to strengthen ties with your daughter is to make time for her -- in both quality and quantity. According to my friend, Dr. Kevin Leman, the bond fathers develop with their daughters during times of real conversation and connection can pay huge dividends.

This is especially true for girls in the "tween" years. Dr. Leman advises that dads with daughters in this age group (BEGIN ITALS)date(END ITALS) them on a regular basis. Showing your daughter that she's a high priority is essential for many reasons. For one thing, it will help her seek out men who will respect her later in life. Affirming your daughter's femininity and treating her special says to her, "Honey, seek out someone who will treat you right." In other words, if you can demonstrate for your daughter what a true gentleman is like -- someone who honors her, respects her and values her -- she'll be more likely to gravitate toward men like that when she enters the dating world.

On a regular basis, make an effort to take your daughter out to dinner, a movie, a round of miniature golf -- or whatever interests her. I know it's tough, especially when you're likely working full time and you also need to make room on your calendar to date your wife. But it's so important. The investment you make in your daughter now will impact her for the rest of her life.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Q: I've found a great rental property, but my wife doesn't want us to buy it because doing so would require going into debt. What do you think?

Jim: There are so many variables involved that your best option would be to consult a financial planning or real estate expert. Specifics aside, you should know that you're not alone -- arguments over finances are one of the leading causes of marital conflict, when a mountain of debt is involved.

Let's explore the issue of debt a bit further, since that seems to be your primary sticking point. Financial experts Ron Blue and Jeremy White have noted that men and women respond to debt differently. Men tend to become workaholics as a first response to debt, even though more work and longer hours are not the answer. A wife typically wants her husband to be home more during a financial crisis, not less. Also, a husband often won't tell his wife when he takes on more debt, because he's afraid she'll react negatively.

Women, on the other hand, have an innate need for (BEGIN ITALS)security(END ITALS), so the prospect of debt makes them anxious. Even if a husband suggests going into debt to finance a business opportunity or investment, many wives will respond negatively. Some resort to "nagging" their husbands about finances at every opportunity. This often indicates their desire for open communication on the issue. Others go to the opposite extreme, pretending the debt doesn't exist and spending money carelessly.

When it comes to finances, the husband's basic drive to provide may conflict with his wife's basic need for security. That is why you and your wife need to communicate with each other (BEGIN ITALS)before(END ITALS) debt is assumed. And no matter what you decide, make sure the decision is mutual. That will help avoid bitterness and resentment later on.

Q: My husband is obsessed with his job. He works 50 to 60 hours a week and even when he’s home, it seems that he’s always thinking about work. Meanwhile, I’m home alone with three little kids. What do I do?

Juli: What you're describing is a typical challenge for a couple five to 10 years into marriage. Just because it's typical doesn't mean it's not serious. Many marriages have fallen apart in the first decade as the husband pursues his career and the wife plunges into motherhood.

You need to take care of yourself. As a busy mom with three little ones and a preoccupied husband, you must find some breathing room or you will continue to feel burned out and angry. Get involved in a mother's group in your church. Trade "mommy days" with another mom just to go to the grocery store by yourself. You need a break!

Also, you have to address this issue with your husband. Express to your husband how much you miss him and how you feel like you are drifting into different worlds. In these busy years, you are unlikely to have lots of time and energy for each other, but you have to stay connected. No matter the cost, schedule a date night twice a month. Be willing to hear about his work (share his world) and ask him for regular scheduled time with you and the kids (your world). Work together to find things that you enjoy doing together: cooking, exercise, a book club. You need to get back to enjoying life together.

If you find that these suggestions are falling flat, it's time for you two to get some counseling. Don't wait until your anger has festered for several years and you can barely stand to be in the same room together.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.