Q: I've found a great rental property, but my wife doesn't want us to buy it because doing so would require going into debt. What do you think?

Jim: There are so many variables involved that your best option would be to consult a financial planning or real estate expert. Specifics aside, you should know that you're not alone -- arguments over finances are one of the leading causes of marital conflict, when a mountain of debt is involved.

Let's explore the issue of debt a bit further, since that seems to be your primary sticking point. Financial experts Ron Blue and Jeremy White have noted that men and women respond to debt differently. Men tend to become workaholics as a first response to debt, even though more work and longer hours are not the answer. A wife typically wants her husband to be home more during a financial crisis, not less. Also, a husband often won't tell his wife when he takes on more debt, because he's afraid she'll react negatively.

Women, on the other hand, have an innate need for (BEGIN ITALS)security(END ITALS), so the prospect of debt makes them anxious. Even if a husband suggests going into debt to finance a business opportunity or investment, many wives will respond negatively. Some resort to "nagging" their husbands about finances at every opportunity. This often indicates their desire for open communication on the issue. Others go to the opposite extreme, pretending the debt doesn't exist and spending money carelessly.

When it comes to finances, the husband's basic drive to provide may conflict with his wife's basic need for security. That is why you and your wife need to communicate with each other (BEGIN ITALS)before(END ITALS) debt is assumed. And no matter what you decide, make sure the decision is mutual. That will help avoid bitterness and resentment later on.

Q: My husband is obsessed with his job. He works 50 to 60 hours a week and even when he’s home, it seems that he’s always thinking about work. Meanwhile, I’m home alone with three little kids. What do I do?

Juli: What you're describing is a typical challenge for a couple five to 10 years into marriage. Just because it's typical doesn't mean it's not serious. Many marriages have fallen apart in the first decade as the husband pursues his career and the wife plunges into motherhood.

You need to take care of yourself. As a busy mom with three little ones and a preoccupied husband, you must find some breathing room or you will continue to feel burned out and angry. Get involved in a mother's group in your church. Trade "mommy days" with another mom just to go to the grocery store by yourself. You need a break!

Also, you have to address this issue with your husband. Express to your husband how much you miss him and how you feel like you are drifting into different worlds. In these busy years, you are unlikely to have lots of time and energy for each other, but you have to stay connected. No matter the cost, schedule a date night twice a month. Be willing to hear about his work (share his world) and ask him for regular scheduled time with you and the kids (your world). Work together to find things that you enjoy doing together: cooking, exercise, a book club. You need to get back to enjoying life together.

If you find that these suggestions are falling flat, it's time for you two to get some counseling. Don't wait until your anger has festered for several years and you can barely stand to be in the same room together.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Q: I have a 17-year-old daughter who dreams of a career as a singer, but she isn't very good. I know that sounds bad coming from her mom, but it's true. What do you recommend we do?

Juli: Let's face it. Very few kids have the talent to be the next "American Idol" or Heisman Trophy winner. But we live in a society that consistently spotlights performance and celebrity.

Too many young adults dream of stardom and fame that are out of their reach. Yet, as a parent, it's tough to tell the truth to our kids without feeling like we're killing their dream.

My advice to you is to speak truth, lovingly. You don't have to come out and say, "You can't sing." At 17, she's going to be running into natural roadblocks that will help her gauge her ability compared to others. Your job is to cast a picture for her of a different dream: "You have a love for singing and music. I'll bet you use that in your life, even if you don't become a performing artist. Maybe you'll teach music or lead a church choir."

One of the great gifts my parents gave me my senior year of high school was career testing. Local universities often have counseling or career development departments that offer tests measuring ability, aptitude, interests and personality. When you put the results together, a young adult can get some solid, objective feedback about which career paths may be the best fit. Although it may cost several hundred dollars up front, it can save thousands of dollars and years of wasted college classes.

What your daughter most needs to know is that she doesn't have to be a star to earn your love and support.

Q: I played the trumpet in high school, and it helped give me a life-long appreciation for music. I want my son to experience the same thing, but he refuses to pick up an instrument. What should this frustrated dad do?

Jim: I can certainly understand your desire. What dad doesn't want his son to be a "chip off the old block"? I definitely enjoy watching my own two boys developing an interest in some of the same things that interest me.

A recent study from Canada, though, reveals that parents who want their children to discover a passion for music or sports need to take a hands-off approach. There's nothing wrong with encouraging your son to take up the trumpet, but don't push him into it. If he does end up deciding to play an instrument, it might not be for the joy of music. He might just be doing it out of a sense of obligation, or the fear of disappointing you.

The Canadian study revealed another danger with parents forcing their kids to pursue only the hobbies that mom and dad think they should. Some kids with high-pressure parents will embrace the hobbies their folks pick out for them, but they'll become obsessed with those pursuits later on. Their hobby will consume them. Their entire identity can become wrapped up in being a quarterback or a clarinet player. But when they throw an interception or make a mistake in the orchestra, their self-esteem plummets.

Certainly, parents need to be persistent about impressing morals and values on their kids. We don't want them to draw their own conclusions about what is right and wrong. But research suggests that when it comes to hobbies, sports and other pastimes, we need to grant them some autonomy, and allow them to develop the unique gifts and talents God gave them.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Q: My husband and I have been married for a year and a half, and he has a 17-year-old daughter from his previous marriage. Our marriage is great except that his ex-wife calls all the time, sometimes two or three times a day. This is becoming an issue between us -- especially since this woman has told people she wants my husband back. When I've brought this issue before my husband, he says: "What do you want me to do? If I don't answer the phone, there could be a problem between me and my daughter!" Please help!

Juli: Second marriages and blended families are complicated! It sounds like yours is no exception. First of all, it's very important that you support the relationship your husband has with his ex–wife, if for no other reason than for the sake of your stepdaughter.

Research is very clear that a prime indicator for how children recover from divorce is the health of the relationship between their biological parents. You don't want to get in the way of that.

Having said that, I understand the need for you to establish boundaries between your husband and his ex-wife. Some appropriate boundaries might be that he not discuss your marriage with her or share things with her that he hasn't first talked to you about. I highly recommend that you and your husband meet with a counselor for a few sessions to talk this through and to agree on boundaries so that this does not become a trust issue between you.

Q: My sister and her husband recently divorced, and she and the kids are not dealing with it well. How can I help them?

Jim: Right off the bat, I'd suggest that your sister find a pastor or counselor who can evaluate the situation and offer advice based on her unique circumstances.

Next, there are some practical steps she can take to make this difficult time a bit easier. She should consider these seven survival tips for divorced parents, courtesy of author and Focus on the Family broadcast guest Laura Petherbridge:

1. Find a support group that offers encouragement and teaches coping skills. You need adult camaraderie so that your child isn't forced to be your comforter and counselor.

2. Make it clear to your kids that they had nothing to do with the divorce, and that you and your former spouse still love them. Be appropriately honest with them about the circumstances of your divorce.

3. Make changes slowly. Many people want to leave town and get a fresh start following a divorce, but that is not always wise. Divorce is hard enough on children, and if they lose the familiar sights and sounds of home, school and friends, it's even more traumatic. Try to prevent as many of these adjustments as possible.

4. Let at least two years pass before getting involved in another relationship. You and your kids need time to heal.

5. Allow your kids to love your ex-husband. Don't let your own pain and insecurity damage their relationship with him. It might be tough, but for your children's sake, refrain from negative talk about your former spouse.

6. Be sure to discipline your kids consistently. Many divorced parents feel guilty about what their kids went through, and as a result, they tend to be more lax in their parenting.

7. Remember to let your kids be kids. Try to keep conversations about child support, visitation and conflict with your ex at a minimum. Don't put your kids in the center of the drama. Protect and preserve their innocence as much as possible.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.