Q: I have a 17-year-old daughter who dreams of a career as a singer, but she isn't very good. I know that sounds bad coming from her mom, but it's true. What do you recommend we do?

Juli: Let's face it. Very few kids have the talent to be the next "American Idol" or Heisman Trophy winner. But we live in a society that consistently spotlights performance and celebrity.

Too many young adults dream of stardom and fame that are out of their reach. Yet, as a parent, it's tough to tell the truth to our kids without feeling like we're killing their dream.

My advice to you is to speak truth, lovingly. You don't have to come out and say, "You can't sing." At 17, she's going to be running into natural roadblocks that will help her gauge her ability compared to others. Your job is to cast a picture for her of a different dream: "You have a love for singing and music. I'll bet you use that in your life, even if you don't become a performing artist. Maybe you'll teach music or lead a church choir."

One of the great gifts my parents gave me my senior year of high school was career testing. Local universities often have counseling or career development departments that offer tests measuring ability, aptitude, interests and personality. When you put the results together, a young adult can get some solid, objective feedback about which career paths may be the best fit. Although it may cost several hundred dollars up front, it can save thousands of dollars and years of wasted college classes.

What your daughter most needs to know is that she doesn't have to be a star to earn your love and support.

Q: I played the trumpet in high school, and it helped give me a life-long appreciation for music. I want my son to experience the same thing, but he refuses to pick up an instrument. What should this frustrated dad do?

Jim: I can certainly understand your desire. What dad doesn't want his son to be a "chip off the old block"? I definitely enjoy watching my own two boys developing an interest in some of the same things that interest me.

A recent study from Canada, though, reveals that parents who want their children to discover a passion for music or sports need to take a hands-off approach. There's nothing wrong with encouraging your son to take up the trumpet, but don't push him into it. If he does end up deciding to play an instrument, it might not be for the joy of music. He might just be doing it out of a sense of obligation, or the fear of disappointing you.

The Canadian study revealed another danger with parents forcing their kids to pursue only the hobbies that mom and dad think they should. Some kids with high-pressure parents will embrace the hobbies their folks pick out for them, but they'll become obsessed with those pursuits later on. Their hobby will consume them. Their entire identity can become wrapped up in being a quarterback or a clarinet player. But when they throw an interception or make a mistake in the orchestra, their self-esteem plummets.

Certainly, parents need to be persistent about impressing morals and values on their kids. We don't want them to draw their own conclusions about what is right and wrong. But research suggests that when it comes to hobbies, sports and other pastimes, we need to grant them some autonomy, and allow them to develop the unique gifts and talents God gave them.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

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Q: My husband and I have been married for a year and a half, and he has a 17-year-old daughter from his previous marriage. Our marriage is great except that his ex-wife calls all the time, sometimes two or three times a day. This is becoming an issue between us -- especially since this woman has told people she wants my husband back. When I've brought this issue before my husband, he says: "What do you want me to do? If I don't answer the phone, there could be a problem between me and my daughter!" Please help!

Juli: Second marriages and blended families are complicated! It sounds like yours is no exception. First of all, it's very important that you support the relationship your husband has with his ex–wife, if for no other reason than for the sake of your stepdaughter.

Research is very clear that a prime indicator for how children recover from divorce is the health of the relationship between their biological parents. You don't want to get in the way of that.

Having said that, I understand the need for you to establish boundaries between your husband and his ex-wife. Some appropriate boundaries might be that he not discuss your marriage with her or share things with her that he hasn't first talked to you about. I highly recommend that you and your husband meet with a counselor for a few sessions to talk this through and to agree on boundaries so that this does not become a trust issue between you.

Q: My sister and her husband recently divorced, and she and the kids are not dealing with it well. How can I help them?

Jim: Right off the bat, I'd suggest that your sister find a pastor or counselor who can evaluate the situation and offer advice based on her unique circumstances.

Next, there are some practical steps she can take to make this difficult time a bit easier. She should consider these seven survival tips for divorced parents, courtesy of author and Focus on the Family broadcast guest Laura Petherbridge:

1. Find a support group that offers encouragement and teaches coping skills. You need adult camaraderie so that your child isn't forced to be your comforter and counselor.

2. Make it clear to your kids that they had nothing to do with the divorce, and that you and your former spouse still love them. Be appropriately honest with them about the circumstances of your divorce.

3. Make changes slowly. Many people want to leave town and get a fresh start following a divorce, but that is not always wise. Divorce is hard enough on children, and if they lose the familiar sights and sounds of home, school and friends, it's even more traumatic. Try to prevent as many of these adjustments as possible.

4. Let at least two years pass before getting involved in another relationship. You and your kids need time to heal.

5. Allow your kids to love your ex-husband. Don't let your own pain and insecurity damage their relationship with him. It might be tough, but for your children's sake, refrain from negative talk about your former spouse.

6. Be sure to discipline your kids consistently. Many divorced parents feel guilty about what their kids went through, and as a result, they tend to be more lax in their parenting.

7. Remember to let your kids be kids. Try to keep conversations about child support, visitation and conflict with your ex at a minimum. Don't put your kids in the center of the drama. Protect and preserve their innocence as much as possible.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Q: For the past week, our 3-year-old daughter says she sees a "scary man" in her room. My husband and I have done everything we know to calm her fears. I've been sleeping with her in a different room for several days now. I know this is a temporary situation, but what do you suggest we do?

Juli: It's pretty common for children between 2 and 4 to experience intense fears. As a child enters the preschool years, her brain develops the ability to think beyond the concrete. In other words, she can imagine things that she can't see, feel or touch. While this new ability opens the door for imaginative play and role playing, it also means that your daughter can imagine things that are scary and potentially harmful.

Most parents in this situation will try to accommodate their children's fears by sleeping with them, or as you tried, switching bedrooms. This strategy often backfires because it reinforces the child's fear. At some level, the accommodation validates that there might be something scary in her room. It also rewards the fearful behavior with extra attention.

While your daughter is able to imagine a scary man in her room, she can also imagine superheroes or angels watching over her. When my boys were scared, I asked them to picture angels watching over them and think about what their names might be. This channeled the power of their imagination into something positive.

Additionally, I recommend transitional objects. These are items, like a special stuffed animal or blanket, that help children feel comforted when they're not with their parents. Consistent bedtime rituals like reading a book, prayer, cuddling or soothing music also help children relax at bedtime.

You're right that this is temporary problem. However, be consistent and confident as you address this because bedtime battles usually persist throughout childhood, just taking different forms.

Q: My husband doesn't think our 4-year-old daughter needs to say "Yes, sir" and "No, ma'am." He never talks that way either, but I was raised in a family where having good manners was very important. What do you think?

Jim: Good manners are certainly important. Public Agenda conducted a survey in which nearly eight in 10 respondents said that lack of respect and courtesy is a serious national problem, and six in 10 said the problem is getting worse. Respondents also blamed parents for not instilling courtesy in their children, and popular culture for encouraging rude behavior. Clearly, parents need to impress the importance of courtesy upon their kids. As the father of two rambunctious boys, I know that can sometimes be a challenge!

When it comes to specific phrases such as "Yes, ma'am" and "No, sir," the lines seem a little less clear. Those terms were obviously a very important part of your own upbringing. I know people from Southern states who still use them extensively, while folks from other parts of the country don't use them at all. Are the non-Southerners rude? No, they just express courtesy in different ways. The underlying principles of "Yes, ma'am" and "No, sir," for kids at least, seem to be "respect for authority" and "deference to those who are older than you are." I would suggest, though, that it's possible to teach your kids those principles without insisting that they use "ma'am" and "sir" in every instance.

You and your husband might work together to devise a list of the good manners you hope to cultivate in your kids. Then, decide whether those manners need to be tied to specific words or customs, or if they're simply guiding principles for good behavior.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.