Q: My husband and I have been married for a year and a half, and he has a 17-year-old daughter from his previous marriage. Our marriage is great except that his ex-wife calls all the time, sometimes two or three times a day. This is becoming an issue between us -- especially since this woman has told people she wants my husband back. When I've brought this issue before my husband, he says: "What do you want me to do? If I don't answer the phone, there could be a problem between me and my daughter!" Please help!

Juli: Second marriages and blended families are complicated! It sounds like yours is no exception. First of all, it's very important that you support the relationship your husband has with his ex–wife, if for no other reason than for the sake of your stepdaughter.

Research is very clear that a prime indicator for how children recover from divorce is the health of the relationship between their biological parents. You don't want to get in the way of that.

Having said that, I understand the need for you to establish boundaries between your husband and his ex-wife. Some appropriate boundaries might be that he not discuss your marriage with her or share things with her that he hasn't first talked to you about. I highly recommend that you and your husband meet with a counselor for a few sessions to talk this through and to agree on boundaries so that this does not become a trust issue between you.

Q: My sister and her husband recently divorced, and she and the kids are not dealing with it well. How can I help them?

Jim: Right off the bat, I'd suggest that your sister find a pastor or counselor who can evaluate the situation and offer advice based on her unique circumstances.

Next, there are some practical steps she can take to make this difficult time a bit easier. She should consider these seven survival tips for divorced parents, courtesy of author and Focus on the Family broadcast guest Laura Petherbridge:

1. Find a support group that offers encouragement and teaches coping skills. You need adult camaraderie so that your child isn't forced to be your comforter and counselor.

2. Make it clear to your kids that they had nothing to do with the divorce, and that you and your former spouse still love them. Be appropriately honest with them about the circumstances of your divorce.

3. Make changes slowly. Many people want to leave town and get a fresh start following a divorce, but that is not always wise. Divorce is hard enough on children, and if they lose the familiar sights and sounds of home, school and friends, it's even more traumatic. Try to prevent as many of these adjustments as possible.

4. Let at least two years pass before getting involved in another relationship. You and your kids need time to heal.

5. Allow your kids to love your ex-husband. Don't let your own pain and insecurity damage their relationship with him. It might be tough, but for your children's sake, refrain from negative talk about your former spouse.

6. Be sure to discipline your kids consistently. Many divorced parents feel guilty about what their kids went through, and as a result, they tend to be more lax in their parenting.

7. Remember to let your kids be kids. Try to keep conversations about child support, visitation and conflict with your ex at a minimum. Don't put your kids in the center of the drama. Protect and preserve their innocence as much as possible.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

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Q: For the past week, our 3-year-old daughter says she sees a "scary man" in her room. My husband and I have done everything we know to calm her fears. I've been sleeping with her in a different room for several days now. I know this is a temporary situation, but what do you suggest we do?

Juli: It's pretty common for children between 2 and 4 to experience intense fears. As a child enters the preschool years, her brain develops the ability to think beyond the concrete. In other words, she can imagine things that she can't see, feel or touch. While this new ability opens the door for imaginative play and role playing, it also means that your daughter can imagine things that are scary and potentially harmful.

Most parents in this situation will try to accommodate their children's fears by sleeping with them, or as you tried, switching bedrooms. This strategy often backfires because it reinforces the child's fear. At some level, the accommodation validates that there might be something scary in her room. It also rewards the fearful behavior with extra attention.

While your daughter is able to imagine a scary man in her room, she can also imagine superheroes or angels watching over her. When my boys were scared, I asked them to picture angels watching over them and think about what their names might be. This channeled the power of their imagination into something positive.

Additionally, I recommend transitional objects. These are items, like a special stuffed animal or blanket, that help children feel comforted when they're not with their parents. Consistent bedtime rituals like reading a book, prayer, cuddling or soothing music also help children relax at bedtime.

You're right that this is temporary problem. However, be consistent and confident as you address this because bedtime battles usually persist throughout childhood, just taking different forms.

Q: My husband doesn't think our 4-year-old daughter needs to say "Yes, sir" and "No, ma'am." He never talks that way either, but I was raised in a family where having good manners was very important. What do you think?

Jim: Good manners are certainly important. Public Agenda conducted a survey in which nearly eight in 10 respondents said that lack of respect and courtesy is a serious national problem, and six in 10 said the problem is getting worse. Respondents also blamed parents for not instilling courtesy in their children, and popular culture for encouraging rude behavior. Clearly, parents need to impress the importance of courtesy upon their kids. As the father of two rambunctious boys, I know that can sometimes be a challenge!

When it comes to specific phrases such as "Yes, ma'am" and "No, sir," the lines seem a little less clear. Those terms were obviously a very important part of your own upbringing. I know people from Southern states who still use them extensively, while folks from other parts of the country don't use them at all. Are the non-Southerners rude? No, they just express courtesy in different ways. The underlying principles of "Yes, ma'am" and "No, sir," for kids at least, seem to be "respect for authority" and "deference to those who are older than you are." I would suggest, though, that it's possible to teach your kids those principles without insisting that they use "ma'am" and "sir" in every instance.

You and your husband might work together to devise a list of the good manners you hope to cultivate in your kids. Then, decide whether those manners need to be tied to specific words or customs, or if they're simply guiding principles for good behavior.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Q: I recently heard one of your programs about why moms should stay home with their kids. You made me feel like a horrible mom for working when I have a 22-month-old daughter at home. I understood what you were trying to say -- and why my situation is not ideal, but we don't have a choice. I'd love to stay home but our modest income requires that both my husband and I work. I'm lucky that we have affordable day care and a job that provides me with a car. Still, every day I leave my child at home, it kills me. And your program only made me feel more guilty.

Juli: I not only understand your situation, I've been there. When my first son was born, I had to work. Every day I left him with a heavy heart and a lot of guilt. One day, I had the radio on driving to work and, like you, heard a radio broadcast that brought me to tears and piled on the guilt for leaving my son.

Most moms will work at some point during motherhood and deal with the resulting guilt. While we generally encourage moms to be home with their young children, it isn't always possible.

You should only feel guilty if you're doing something wrong. Don't let our radio broadcast, your friends or your neighbors be the barometer of your guilt. That decision is strictly between you and your husband. Only you know all of the factors involved.

If you're longing to be home with your daughter, it is a worthy goal to work toward. Some families have managed to make lifestyle changes to be able to survive on one income. In the meantime, do your best with the time you have with your daughter, making certain that she is in good hands when you can't be there.

Q: My wife is overwhelmed. Our two preschool sons require constant attention, while the housework and other responsibilities pile up. How can I help her?

Jim: You've probably seen studies that calculate what the average mom would make if she were paid for her various roles as housekeeper, day care operator, psychologist and so on. A 2007 study by Salary.com put the figure at $138,095 a year!

My wife, Jean, has been in your wife's shoes. Even though our boys are in school now, between the trips back and forth and the extracurricular activities and the numerous other responsibilities on her plate, she barely has time to catch her breath.

Not to oversimplify the issue, but you might want to start by praising your wife for the contributions she's already making in your home. Be sure to cut her some slack when the house is messy and dinner is late -- she's likely had a busier day than you have! And although it's tough after a long day at the office, you might ask if there are some household duties she'd like you to handle. But be sure to talk it over with her first. In my experience, if you just come home and start doing chores that your wife sees as her responsibility, it's likely your good intentions will be received in a negative light.

When your boys are grown, they won't remember whether the house was clean, but they will remember quality time with their mom during the day (and with you, too, when you're home). Being a mom isn't easy. A six-figure paycheck doesn't even begin to put a price on a mother's value. It's critical that husbands like you and I give them all the love and support we possibly can.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2010 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.