Q: Every year, my husband and I have the same argument about how to spend Christmas. On Christmas Eve, we always go to church and dinner with my family. Then on Christmas day, my husband's family takes up practically the whole day. We're expected to be there in the morning and stay until evening. Now that we have kids, I want us to establish our own family traditions.

Juli: Practically every married couple can relate to your question. Christmas is typically regarded as the most important day of the year. Because of that, it's often symbolic to the people in our lives ... we spend Christmas with those who mean the most to us. That's why deciding how much time to spend with extended family during the holidays becomes such an emotional issue.

I agree that it is important to establish your own Christmas traditions. However, there is nothing wrong with part of those traditions including your families. Every couple handles the details differently, but here are some basic principles to help you navigate through:

First, while honoring both your and your husband's families, set some boundaries. For example, you may decide that you will only go to your in-laws' house for lunch instead of for the entire day. Or you might decide to alternate years, one year spending time with your family during Christmas, the next year spending time with his.

Second, pick a time during the holiday season that you will protect and set aside for your family every year. With little children, Christmas morning becomes particularly fun.

Next, ask both of your families to be flexible. As children become adults, family traditions have to change. Perhaps your parents or in-laws would be willing to come to your house for dinner. Or maybe they'll decide to have their family celebration on Dec. 26.

The good news is that most couples eventually resolve the holiday question, honoring their families' traditions as well as creating their own.

Q: I want to set a good example for my kids by doing a "good deed" for someone during the holiday season. But I don't really know where to begin. Do you have any suggestions?

Jim: Start right outside your front door! The art of being a good neighbor has been lost in recent years. We're so busy running from one thing to the next that we hardly take the time to get to know those who live right next to us.

My wife, Jean, and I have put a lot of effort into helping our boys catch the vision for being good neighbors. I remember a specific day last winter when Jean made a batch of her delicious homemade pumpkin bread. I convinced my sons, Trent and Troy, to deliver it with me as soon as it came out of the oven -- even though the thermometer reading at the time was 10 below zero! But the experience was worth it. The bread was a big hit with our neighbors, and my boys learned that it's worth going out in the cold to do something nice for someone else.

Christmas offers the perfect environment for these little acts of kindness. It doesn't matter where you live; chances are there's someone nearby to whom you can reach out. What better way to embody the message of "peace on Earth, goodwill to men"? Sometimes a simple gesture is all it takes to create community with a stranger. And that one little act may encourage someone who's feeling lonely or depressed during the holidays. It could also signal the beginning of a friendship that will last long after Christmas is over.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2010 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

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Q: My ex-wife and I have had a lot of rough holidays together, but this is our first one since our divorce. Now, we're negotiating who gets the kids when, and it's terrible -- especially for our kids. How can we help them have a "merry Christmas"?

Juli: Some experts on divorce have described it as a death -- the death of a family, a marriage and a dream of happily ever after. As with any death, there is gut-wrenching grief associated with the loss, and learning to adapt to a "new normal." At no time is this more poignant than at the holidays. Your kids are grieving the loss of their family as much as you are. It's OK to let them express that and acknowledge that this Christmas will be difficult for everyone.

Although everyone gets hurt in a divorce, the children are the most obvious victims. They had no say in what happened, yet have to live with the painful aftermath. Research indicates that one of the top predictors of a child's stability after divorce is the health of the relationship between his parents. Whatever conflicts, wounds and feelings you have toward each other, put them aside for the holidays and give your children a conflict-free Christmas. I'd encourage your former wife and you to do whatever you can to work together to make the holidays smooth for your kids.

If possible, share Christmas morning, celebrating together, or pitch in together to buy your kids gifts from both of you, instead of competing for who bought more gifts. I know these suggestions may sound far-fetched given the hostility that often accompanies divorce, but your kids deserve your effort toward peace. More than any shiny package under the Christmas tree, your children most want and need to know that Mom and Dad love them and are not going to fight over them.

Q: Every Christmas, my kids get caught up in the desire for the latest toys and electronic gadgets. Not only is this expensive for my husband and me, but it seems to miss the point of Christmas entirely. Without being preachy, how can we teach our kids that it's not just about getting stuff?

Jim: Children have a tendency to feel that the world revolves around them. Our culture encourages this problem by telling kids -- and adults, too -- to look out for No. 1. The materialism of the Christmas season only aggravates the problem.

In her book "Fun-Filled Parenting," author Silvana Clark suggests that one of the best antidotes for self-centeredness is to volunteer as a family. It might be serving at a soup kitchen, or hosting a neighborhood bake sale and giving the proceeds to charity, or taking part in a church service project, or putting together Christmas care packages for the troops.

According to Clark, volunteering helps children learn four valuable lessons. First, it helps them understand that they're not the center of the universe. Second, it enables kids to learn responsibility and gain self-confidence. Third, it puts them in touch with community resources and groups that depend on volunteers. And finally, volunteering helps kids build relationships with positive role models -- men and women who have invested their lives in reaching out.

Here's something that will really blow your kids' minds: have them go through their stuff and identify a few things (in good condition) to give away to a needy family or shelter this year. Or better yet, have them pool their allowance and buy a few new items! This kind of selflessness goes against just about everything they're hearing from the culture.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2010 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Q: I want my wife to attend my church with me, but she says it's too formal and liturgical. And she feels the people aren't friendly. The denomination I attend is very important to me and I will not give up my faith -- but we don't have another church of this kind around us for miles; in fact, the closest is about 45 miles away. What should we do?

Jim: Your ability to find common ground on this issue will depend on the degree to which you're both willing to compromise. Some churches offer a more upbeat, informal service on Saturday evenings. Your wife might feel more comfortable in such a setting. Is that an option at your current church? If your wife feels like an "outsider" to your particular tradition, I'd encourage you to take it upon yourself to help her feel more welcome. Go out of your way to help her make friends.

I know you're determined to be faithful to your denomination, but would you at least consider the possibility of finding a place of worship outside that denomination, for your wife's sake? The beauty of the Christian tradition is that many different denominations trace their doctrines back to the same basic biblical tenets. Switching from a Baptist church to a Presbyterian or non-denominational church, for example, is hardly the same thing as "abandoning your faith." And in the end, driving 45 miles to the other church you mentioned might be worth it. It's certainly a better option than having you and your wife attend separate churches.

I'm reminded of the joke in which a man is filling out an employment application and gets hung up on the question, "What is your church preference?" After thinking about it for a minute, he writes, "I prefer a red brick church." If only the decision were that simple!

Q: Every year, I dread the holiday season ... the noise, commercials, cards and gifts nauseate me. I also dread the parties and get-togethers with relatives. It all just seems so fake. Frankly, I get depressed during Christmas. My wife loves Christmas, so I feel like I have to pretend to enjoy it for her sake. Any help for a Grinch?

Juli: Well, Mr. Grinch, you're not alone in your dislike for the holidays. In fact, depression and suicide rates spike during this time of year. Feeling depressed at Christmas is even worse because everyone is telling you that you should be happy!

Your dislike for the holidays may not be about Christmas at all, but rather what it has become. Christmas is first and foremost a religious observance, the day Christians commemorate and contemplate the incarnation of Jesus Christ. How people celebrate Christmas is a completely different matter. In fact, many people who love the meaning of Christmas are appalled by the materialism and hedonism now associated with it. I think it's just as appropriate to weep on Christmas Eve as you contemplate Jesus' birth as it is to give a gift to a loved one.

Instead of chucking the whole holiday, ask yourself the question, "How can I best celebrate Christmas this year?" The answer may be for you to skip a party and serve dinner to those less fortunate.

In the "spirit of Christmas," we all flex a little for others, spending time with in-laws, going to work parties we don't really feel like attending, and so on. But I would encourage you not to "fake" your excitement for the holidays to make your wife happy. Instead, find the genuine joy of celebrating an event that changed the course of history in your own way.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2010 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.