Q: My ex-wife and I have had a lot of rough holidays together, but this is our first one since our divorce. Now, we're negotiating who gets the kids when, and it's terrible -- especially for our kids. How can we help them have a "merry Christmas"?

Juli: Some experts on divorce have described it as a death -- the death of a family, a marriage and a dream of happily ever after. As with any death, there is gut-wrenching grief associated with the loss, and learning to adapt to a "new normal." At no time is this more poignant than at the holidays. Your kids are grieving the loss of their family as much as you are. It's OK to let them express that and acknowledge that this Christmas will be difficult for everyone.

Although everyone gets hurt in a divorce, the children are the most obvious victims. They had no say in what happened, yet have to live with the painful aftermath. Research indicates that one of the top predictors of a child's stability after divorce is the health of the relationship between his parents. Whatever conflicts, wounds and feelings you have toward each other, put them aside for the holidays and give your children a conflict-free Christmas. I'd encourage your former wife and you to do whatever you can to work together to make the holidays smooth for your kids.

If possible, share Christmas morning, celebrating together, or pitch in together to buy your kids gifts from both of you, instead of competing for who bought more gifts. I know these suggestions may sound far-fetched given the hostility that often accompanies divorce, but your kids deserve your effort toward peace. More than any shiny package under the Christmas tree, your children most want and need to know that Mom and Dad love them and are not going to fight over them.

Q: Every Christmas, my kids get caught up in the desire for the latest toys and electronic gadgets. Not only is this expensive for my husband and me, but it seems to miss the point of Christmas entirely. Without being preachy, how can we teach our kids that it's not just about getting stuff?

Jim: Children have a tendency to feel that the world revolves around them. Our culture encourages this problem by telling kids -- and adults, too -- to look out for No. 1. The materialism of the Christmas season only aggravates the problem.

In her book "Fun-Filled Parenting," author Silvana Clark suggests that one of the best antidotes for self-centeredness is to volunteer as a family. It might be serving at a soup kitchen, or hosting a neighborhood bake sale and giving the proceeds to charity, or taking part in a church service project, or putting together Christmas care packages for the troops.

According to Clark, volunteering helps children learn four valuable lessons. First, it helps them understand that they're not the center of the universe. Second, it enables kids to learn responsibility and gain self-confidence. Third, it puts them in touch with community resources and groups that depend on volunteers. And finally, volunteering helps kids build relationships with positive role models -- men and women who have invested their lives in reaching out.

Here's something that will really blow your kids' minds: have them go through their stuff and identify a few things (in good condition) to give away to a needy family or shelter this year. Or better yet, have them pool their allowance and buy a few new items! This kind of selflessness goes against just about everything they're hearing from the culture.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2010 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

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Q: I want my wife to attend my church with me, but she says it's too formal and liturgical. And she feels the people aren't friendly. The denomination I attend is very important to me and I will not give up my faith -- but we don't have another church of this kind around us for miles; in fact, the closest is about 45 miles away. What should we do?

Jim: Your ability to find common ground on this issue will depend on the degree to which you're both willing to compromise. Some churches offer a more upbeat, informal service on Saturday evenings. Your wife might feel more comfortable in such a setting. Is that an option at your current church? If your wife feels like an "outsider" to your particular tradition, I'd encourage you to take it upon yourself to help her feel more welcome. Go out of your way to help her make friends.

I know you're determined to be faithful to your denomination, but would you at least consider the possibility of finding a place of worship outside that denomination, for your wife's sake? The beauty of the Christian tradition is that many different denominations trace their doctrines back to the same basic biblical tenets. Switching from a Baptist church to a Presbyterian or non-denominational church, for example, is hardly the same thing as "abandoning your faith." And in the end, driving 45 miles to the other church you mentioned might be worth it. It's certainly a better option than having you and your wife attend separate churches.

I'm reminded of the joke in which a man is filling out an employment application and gets hung up on the question, "What is your church preference?" After thinking about it for a minute, he writes, "I prefer a red brick church." If only the decision were that simple!

Q: Every year, I dread the holiday season ... the noise, commercials, cards and gifts nauseate me. I also dread the parties and get-togethers with relatives. It all just seems so fake. Frankly, I get depressed during Christmas. My wife loves Christmas, so I feel like I have to pretend to enjoy it for her sake. Any help for a Grinch?

Juli: Well, Mr. Grinch, you're not alone in your dislike for the holidays. In fact, depression and suicide rates spike during this time of year. Feeling depressed at Christmas is even worse because everyone is telling you that you should be happy!

Your dislike for the holidays may not be about Christmas at all, but rather what it has become. Christmas is first and foremost a religious observance, the day Christians commemorate and contemplate the incarnation of Jesus Christ. How people celebrate Christmas is a completely different matter. In fact, many people who love the meaning of Christmas are appalled by the materialism and hedonism now associated with it. I think it's just as appropriate to weep on Christmas Eve as you contemplate Jesus' birth as it is to give a gift to a loved one.

Instead of chucking the whole holiday, ask yourself the question, "How can I best celebrate Christmas this year?" The answer may be for you to skip a party and serve dinner to those less fortunate.

In the "spirit of Christmas," we all flex a little for others, spending time with in-laws, going to work parties we don't really feel like attending, and so on. But I would encourage you not to "fake" your excitement for the holidays to make your wife happy. Instead, find the genuine joy of celebrating an event that changed the course of history in your own way.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2010 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Q: I'm expecting my second child soon and a friend gave me a book that's supposed to help infants get on a regular sleeping schedule right away. I did a little online research and discovered this book is controversial. However, I really need something like this because my first child didn't sleep through the night until after her first birthday! Is scheduling OK?

Juli: When it comes to scheduling sleeping and eating for infants, there are two major philosophies. There's what we'll call a "child-centered approach" in which the parents plan what they're doing around the infant's needs. They let the infant eat and sleep whenever the infant wants to and they pick up and cuddle the baby whenever he or she cries.

The second philosophy is often called "family-centered" and focuses on the baby learning to assimilate to the family's schedule. Feedings and naptimes are scheduled, and the goal is to get the baby to sleep through the night as soon as possible. This approach sounds like the book that you mentioned.

Taken to the extreme, both of these approaches can be dangerous to the child -- emotionally and, perhaps, physically. If you take the child-centered approach to the extreme, every time the baby cries, Mom is busy trying to feed, rock or calm her. This can lead to a child who doesn't know how to self-soothe.

If you take the family-centered approach to an extreme, you run the risk of not meeting your child's physical, medical and emotional needs. A baby's needs change from day-to-day, week-to-week. Your pediatrician should give you some guidelines regarding your baby's need for food and sleep based on weight and development.

I'd encourage you to use common sense in blending these two approaches together. Try to introduce some structure into your baby's life. Loose schedules for eating and sleeping will do this. But within the structure, be sure to be responsive to your baby's changing needs for food, sleep and comfort.

Q: I often read about the problems associated with letting kids watch too much TV. Certainly, there's a lot of trash out there. But is there any research that favors letting young children watch strictly educational programming?

Jim: Offensive content is not the only reason to limit a child's TV intake. Regardless of what they're watching, research shows that too much TV can cause kids to struggle academically and socially.

A team of researchers from Canada and the U.S. recently released some startling findings regarding the effects of TV on toddlers. The Archives of Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine studied children's viewing habits at age 2 1/2, and then checked in with the same kids again when they reached age 10. The study found that for every additional hour of television viewing per week at age 2, the kids experienced a 7 percent drop in classroom attention and a 6 percent drop in math skills. They were also more likely to be bullied; they exercised less, weighed more, and ate more unhealthy snacks.

The same study also confirmed previous research showing that early TV exposure undermines a child's attention span. It also suggested that kids who spend more time watching TV and less time playing with other kids may lose valuable chances to learn social skills.

If you take this research seriously, then the bottom line is that too much TV is detrimental to young children, regardless of the content. We'd recommend getting your kids involved in other activities, far away from the TV. Turn it off whenever you can -- or get rid of it altogether, as my family did two years ago!

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2010 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.