Q: I want my wife to attend my church with me, but she says it's too formal and liturgical. And she feels the people aren't friendly. The denomination I attend is very important to me and I will not give up my faith -- but we don't have another church of this kind around us for miles; in fact, the closest is about 45 miles away. What should we do?

Jim: Your ability to find common ground on this issue will depend on the degree to which you're both willing to compromise. Some churches offer a more upbeat, informal service on Saturday evenings. Your wife might feel more comfortable in such a setting. Is that an option at your current church? If your wife feels like an "outsider" to your particular tradition, I'd encourage you to take it upon yourself to help her feel more welcome. Go out of your way to help her make friends.

I know you're determined to be faithful to your denomination, but would you at least consider the possibility of finding a place of worship outside that denomination, for your wife's sake? The beauty of the Christian tradition is that many different denominations trace their doctrines back to the same basic biblical tenets. Switching from a Baptist church to a Presbyterian or non-denominational church, for example, is hardly the same thing as "abandoning your faith." And in the end, driving 45 miles to the other church you mentioned might be worth it. It's certainly a better option than having you and your wife attend separate churches.

I'm reminded of the joke in which a man is filling out an employment application and gets hung up on the question, "What is your church preference?" After thinking about it for a minute, he writes, "I prefer a red brick church." If only the decision were that simple!

Q: Every year, I dread the holiday season ... the noise, commercials, cards and gifts nauseate me. I also dread the parties and get-togethers with relatives. It all just seems so fake. Frankly, I get depressed during Christmas. My wife loves Christmas, so I feel like I have to pretend to enjoy it for her sake. Any help for a Grinch?

Juli: Well, Mr. Grinch, you're not alone in your dislike for the holidays. In fact, depression and suicide rates spike during this time of year. Feeling depressed at Christmas is even worse because everyone is telling you that you should be happy!

Your dislike for the holidays may not be about Christmas at all, but rather what it has become. Christmas is first and foremost a religious observance, the day Christians commemorate and contemplate the incarnation of Jesus Christ. How people celebrate Christmas is a completely different matter. In fact, many people who love the meaning of Christmas are appalled by the materialism and hedonism now associated with it. I think it's just as appropriate to weep on Christmas Eve as you contemplate Jesus' birth as it is to give a gift to a loved one.

Instead of chucking the whole holiday, ask yourself the question, "How can I best celebrate Christmas this year?" The answer may be for you to skip a party and serve dinner to those less fortunate.

In the "spirit of Christmas," we all flex a little for others, spending time with in-laws, going to work parties we don't really feel like attending, and so on. But I would encourage you not to "fake" your excitement for the holidays to make your wife happy. Instead, find the genuine joy of celebrating an event that changed the course of history in your own way.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2010 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

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Q: I'm expecting my second child soon and a friend gave me a book that's supposed to help infants get on a regular sleeping schedule right away. I did a little online research and discovered this book is controversial. However, I really need something like this because my first child didn't sleep through the night until after her first birthday! Is scheduling OK?

Juli: When it comes to scheduling sleeping and eating for infants, there are two major philosophies. There's what we'll call a "child-centered approach" in which the parents plan what they're doing around the infant's needs. They let the infant eat and sleep whenever the infant wants to and they pick up and cuddle the baby whenever he or she cries.

The second philosophy is often called "family-centered" and focuses on the baby learning to assimilate to the family's schedule. Feedings and naptimes are scheduled, and the goal is to get the baby to sleep through the night as soon as possible. This approach sounds like the book that you mentioned.

Taken to the extreme, both of these approaches can be dangerous to the child -- emotionally and, perhaps, physically. If you take the child-centered approach to the extreme, every time the baby cries, Mom is busy trying to feed, rock or calm her. This can lead to a child who doesn't know how to self-soothe.

If you take the family-centered approach to an extreme, you run the risk of not meeting your child's physical, medical and emotional needs. A baby's needs change from day-to-day, week-to-week. Your pediatrician should give you some guidelines regarding your baby's need for food and sleep based on weight and development.

I'd encourage you to use common sense in blending these two approaches together. Try to introduce some structure into your baby's life. Loose schedules for eating and sleeping will do this. But within the structure, be sure to be responsive to your baby's changing needs for food, sleep and comfort.

Q: I often read about the problems associated with letting kids watch too much TV. Certainly, there's a lot of trash out there. But is there any research that favors letting young children watch strictly educational programming?

Jim: Offensive content is not the only reason to limit a child's TV intake. Regardless of what they're watching, research shows that too much TV can cause kids to struggle academically and socially.

A team of researchers from Canada and the U.S. recently released some startling findings regarding the effects of TV on toddlers. The Archives of Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine studied children's viewing habits at age 2 1/2, and then checked in with the same kids again when they reached age 10. The study found that for every additional hour of television viewing per week at age 2, the kids experienced a 7 percent drop in classroom attention and a 6 percent drop in math skills. They were also more likely to be bullied; they exercised less, weighed more, and ate more unhealthy snacks.

The same study also confirmed previous research showing that early TV exposure undermines a child's attention span. It also suggested that kids who spend more time watching TV and less time playing with other kids may lose valuable chances to learn social skills.

If you take this research seriously, then the bottom line is that too much TV is detrimental to young children, regardless of the content. We'd recommend getting your kids involved in other activities, far away from the TV. Turn it off whenever you can -- or get rid of it altogether, as my family did two years ago!

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2010 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Q: How do I train my 2-year-old to clean up after herself? She'll go into her sisters' room and destroy it, and won't help clean up unless I threaten to punish her. Then she only picks up a couple of things before getting distracted. Frankly, it's easier for me to clean it up myself. My older girls complain that they have to clean up but their little sister doesn't. I know this isn't fair, but what else do I do?

Juli: As any parent knows, the most challenging task of raising a toddler is setting boundaries. It is important to teach your daughter that she has to clean up the messes that she makes, but that might be an impossible task if the messes are too big. Part of teaching your 2-year-old responsibility is not allowing her to get into trouble or messes that are too big for her to clean up.

To start with, limit her play areas. If she's going to trash her sisters' room, then make that room off-limits. Keep play areas to her own room or a family room. Even in those areas, limit the number of toys she has access to at a given time. She can choose to play with the dollhouse or the blocks, but not have access to every toy in the house. Consistently ask her to clean those up immediately before she moves on to the next thing.

What she's capable of handling is going to grow with time. The lesson of cleaning up a few toys will transfer to greater responsibility in years to come. Resist that temptation to swoop in and clean up for her. The extra time and effort now will be well worth it as your daughter grows.

Q: I was astonished to read how much childhood obesity is increasing. Do you have any suggestions for parents who want to help their kids avoid this health nightmare?

Jim: Rather than focusing on the obvious, like eating well-balanced meals and keeping junk food to a minimum, let's look at something that moms and dads might tend to overlook: snack time. Every situation is different, but research suggests that on the whole, many children are simply snacking too much.

Health Affairs reports that kids are taking in significantly more calories from snack foods today than they did in the 1970s. Other statistics show that half of American children snack four times a day, with some kids eating almost constantly -- as many as 10 snacks a day! It's not likely that these kids are hungry that often. Researchers believe they're simply eating the food because it's there, almost as a form of entertainment. Obviously, when kids spend so much time snacking, they're less likely to eat a balanced meal at breakfast, lunch or dinner.

The snacks themselves are a problem, as well. Cookies and cakes are the most popular snacks among kids, with chips and other salty items running a close second. Children are also drinking a lot more fruit juice. That might sound good on the surface, but most of these drinks are loaded with excess sugar and are much less healthy than an actual piece of fruit.

An after-school snack isn't a bad thing. But most people would agree that snacks are no substitute for a healthy and well-balanced meal. And of course, the snack itself should be nutritious. Parents need to make sure they're setting a good example for their kids in this area. Don't expect your child to be happy with an apple if you're snacking on candy bars and soda!

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2010 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.