Q: How do I train my 2-year-old to clean up after herself? She'll go into her sisters' room and destroy it, and won't help clean up unless I threaten to punish her. Then she only picks up a couple of things before getting distracted. Frankly, it's easier for me to clean it up myself. My older girls complain that they have to clean up but their little sister doesn't. I know this isn't fair, but what else do I do?

Juli: As any parent knows, the most challenging task of raising a toddler is setting boundaries. It is important to teach your daughter that she has to clean up the messes that she makes, but that might be an impossible task if the messes are too big. Part of teaching your 2-year-old responsibility is not allowing her to get into trouble or messes that are too big for her to clean up.

To start with, limit her play areas. If she's going to trash her sisters' room, then make that room off-limits. Keep play areas to her own room or a family room. Even in those areas, limit the number of toys she has access to at a given time. She can choose to play with the dollhouse or the blocks, but not have access to every toy in the house. Consistently ask her to clean those up immediately before she moves on to the next thing.

What she's capable of handling is going to grow with time. The lesson of cleaning up a few toys will transfer to greater responsibility in years to come. Resist that temptation to swoop in and clean up for her. The extra time and effort now will be well worth it as your daughter grows.

Q: I was astonished to read how much childhood obesity is increasing. Do you have any suggestions for parents who want to help their kids avoid this health nightmare?

Jim: Rather than focusing on the obvious, like eating well-balanced meals and keeping junk food to a minimum, let's look at something that moms and dads might tend to overlook: snack time. Every situation is different, but research suggests that on the whole, many children are simply snacking too much.

Health Affairs reports that kids are taking in significantly more calories from snack foods today than they did in the 1970s. Other statistics show that half of American children snack four times a day, with some kids eating almost constantly -- as many as 10 snacks a day! It's not likely that these kids are hungry that often. Researchers believe they're simply eating the food because it's there, almost as a form of entertainment. Obviously, when kids spend so much time snacking, they're less likely to eat a balanced meal at breakfast, lunch or dinner.

The snacks themselves are a problem, as well. Cookies and cakes are the most popular snacks among kids, with chips and other salty items running a close second. Children are also drinking a lot more fruit juice. That might sound good on the surface, but most of these drinks are loaded with excess sugar and are much less healthy than an actual piece of fruit.

An after-school snack isn't a bad thing. But most people would agree that snacks are no substitute for a healthy and well-balanced meal. And of course, the snack itself should be nutritious. Parents need to make sure they're setting a good example for their kids in this area. Don't expect your child to be happy with an apple if you're snacking on candy bars and soda!

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2010 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

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Q: My son and his wife seem to argue a lot, usually over minor stuff. Is this natural for young couples these days?

Jim: Disagreements happen in marriage, whether it's over where to go for dinner or something more serious like budgeting or the in-laws. Every situation is different, but if you feel your son and his wife are arguing too much, you might encourage them to talk to a pastor or marriage counselor.

That said, here are some general guidelines for resolving conflict in marriage, courtesy of authors Ron Blue and Jeremy White:

1. Stick to the problem at hand. Don't bring up past issues or accuse your spouse of "always" or "never" behaving a certain way.

2. Get on the same side of the fence. Don't think about "my way" or "your way." Work toward a solution that represents "our way."

3. Identify the core issue. Get to the heart of the problem, not just the symptoms.

4. Don't be a mind reader. Don't try to interpret your spouse's thoughts or motives; instead, ask direct questions.

5. If you haven't reached a consensus by bedtime, agree to resume the discussion the next day. Bitterness can take root in your marriage if you leave things unresolved.

6. Avoid character assassination. No matter how strongly you disagree, attacking your spouse's personality or character is never acceptable.

7. Never forget that your relationship with your spouse is far more important than winning or being "right."

8. Remember that love keeps no record of wrongs. Be quick to forgive, quick to admit your own mistakes, and quick to move on from the conflict.

That's great advice. We'd recommend it for any married couple that wants to reach a peaceful resolution when disagreement rears its head.

Q: I heard a marriage expert say that men want to be asked for help. I'm newly married and pretty much used to doing things for myself. So, when the garbage needs to be taken care of, do I ask my husband, "Would you please take out the garbage?" Or just do it myself? I really don't know when to ask for help...

Juli: You're a wise woman to be asking this question as a newlywed. Many wives don't ask for help and end up resenting the fact that "I have to do everything around the house!" While men love to come to their wife's rescue, they hate to be nagged or criticized.

As a newly married, independent woman, it's going to be natural for you to treat your husband as a friend as you both self-sufficiently go through life together. The beauty of marriage is that you learn to become interdependent -- he depends on you for some things and you depend on him for others.

To start fostering that kind of healthy interdependence, choose a few things that you want his help with. I'd encourage you to pick things he's naturally better at than you are.

For example, my husband is far more organized than I am, so I ask him to help me with things that require organization. He's also physically stronger than I am -- so when it comes to lifting heavy objects or cleaning out the garage, I genuinely need help. Your husband can also help by giving advice or a unique perspective to a decision or difficult situation.

Most importantly, value the contribution he makes -- whether it's helping with household chores or giving you advice. Remember, if you want your husband to be a hero, you've got to be willing to need his help.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2010 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Q: Little kids seem to lose their tempers a lot and my own young son is no exception. Do you have any suggestions for dealing with this?

Jim: You're right that this is a common occurrence -- we hear from a lot of parents who face this challenge. My own two boys have been known to engage in some epic tantrums on occasion. Often, it's simply a matter of helping your child learn how to be more self-controlled. Author Lynne M. Thompson has developed a list of what she calls "anger busters for kids." Here are a few of them:

-- Moms and dads need to model anger management for their children. Don't expect your kids to keep their own tempers in check if you fly off the handle every time something goes wrong. When tensions are high, parents need to take a deep breath and compose themselves.

-- Show respect for your child when he or she gets mad. An angry outburst might not be appropriate, but the underlying causes for it should not be overlooked or dismissed. Try to understand why your child is frustrated.

-- Identify with your child's pain. Recall a time when you faced something difficult, and share it with your child. For example, "I remember when I was your age and I didn't get invited to a party..."

-- Do what you can to provide a cooling-off period for your child when he or she becomes angry. Read a book or go on a walk. Then, calmly discuss what happened and help your child make a plan for dealing with their anger more constructively next time.

There's some great stuff here. Hopefully Lynne's suggestions will bring an added measure of peace to your home as you help your son deal with his volatile emotions.

Q: My husband and I agree on the importance of discipline for our 2-year-old son, but our methods are different. I'm wondering if one method is better than another.

Juli: Even though your approaches vary, it's great that you and your husband agree on the importance of discipline for your son. This is a starting point that many couples don't share.

Practically every book on discipline emphasizes the importance of consistency. This is particularly important through the toddler years when your son's job is to explore and test boundaries! "No" should be "no" every time you say it. Mushy boundaries can make the toddler years more exhausting than they already are.

You and your husband need to agree on what behaviors you will punish and how, in general, you will respond to bad behavior. Having said that, you and your husband don't have to be clones; discipline is within the context of your relationship with your son. Your personality and the uniqueness of your relationship will impact discipline. For example, a mom who might be with her toddler all day long will be correcting behavior throughout the day, while dad might just deal with a big behavioral issue during the evening.

Yes, some discipline techniques are more effective, in general, with a child's unique personality. I would recommend that you and your husband pick up a book or two on the basics of discipline (visit focusonthefamily.com for some good options). Read them together and come to an agreement on the most effective way to teach and respond to your son's behavior. And remember, regardless of how you discipline, your son needs to know three things: Mom and Dad love him very much, Mom and Dad are on the same team, and he needs to respect both of your authority.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2010 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.