Q: My son and his wife seem to argue a lot, usually over minor stuff. Is this natural for young couples these days?

Jim: Disagreements happen in marriage, whether it's over where to go for dinner or something more serious like budgeting or the in-laws. Every situation is different, but if you feel your son and his wife are arguing too much, you might encourage them to talk to a pastor or marriage counselor.

That said, here are some general guidelines for resolving conflict in marriage, courtesy of authors Ron Blue and Jeremy White:

1. Stick to the problem at hand. Don't bring up past issues or accuse your spouse of "always" or "never" behaving a certain way.

2. Get on the same side of the fence. Don't think about "my way" or "your way." Work toward a solution that represents "our way."

3. Identify the core issue. Get to the heart of the problem, not just the symptoms.

4. Don't be a mind reader. Don't try to interpret your spouse's thoughts or motives; instead, ask direct questions.

5. If you haven't reached a consensus by bedtime, agree to resume the discussion the next day. Bitterness can take root in your marriage if you leave things unresolved.

6. Avoid character assassination. No matter how strongly you disagree, attacking your spouse's personality or character is never acceptable.

7. Never forget that your relationship with your spouse is far more important than winning or being "right."

8. Remember that love keeps no record of wrongs. Be quick to forgive, quick to admit your own mistakes, and quick to move on from the conflict.

That's great advice. We'd recommend it for any married couple that wants to reach a peaceful resolution when disagreement rears its head.

Q: I heard a marriage expert say that men want to be asked for help. I'm newly married and pretty much used to doing things for myself. So, when the garbage needs to be taken care of, do I ask my husband, "Would you please take out the garbage?" Or just do it myself? I really don't know when to ask for help...

Juli: You're a wise woman to be asking this question as a newlywed. Many wives don't ask for help and end up resenting the fact that "I have to do everything around the house!" While men love to come to their wife's rescue, they hate to be nagged or criticized.

As a newly married, independent woman, it's going to be natural for you to treat your husband as a friend as you both self-sufficiently go through life together. The beauty of marriage is that you learn to become interdependent -- he depends on you for some things and you depend on him for others.

To start fostering that kind of healthy interdependence, choose a few things that you want his help with. I'd encourage you to pick things he's naturally better at than you are.

For example, my husband is far more organized than I am, so I ask him to help me with things that require organization. He's also physically stronger than I am -- so when it comes to lifting heavy objects or cleaning out the garage, I genuinely need help. Your husband can also help by giving advice or a unique perspective to a decision or difficult situation.

Most importantly, value the contribution he makes -- whether it's helping with household chores or giving you advice. Remember, if you want your husband to be a hero, you've got to be willing to need his help.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2010 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

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Q: Little kids seem to lose their tempers a lot and my own young son is no exception. Do you have any suggestions for dealing with this?

Jim: You're right that this is a common occurrence -- we hear from a lot of parents who face this challenge. My own two boys have been known to engage in some epic tantrums on occasion. Often, it's simply a matter of helping your child learn how to be more self-controlled. Author Lynne M. Thompson has developed a list of what she calls "anger busters for kids." Here are a few of them:

-- Moms and dads need to model anger management for their children. Don't expect your kids to keep their own tempers in check if you fly off the handle every time something goes wrong. When tensions are high, parents need to take a deep breath and compose themselves.

-- Show respect for your child when he or she gets mad. An angry outburst might not be appropriate, but the underlying causes for it should not be overlooked or dismissed. Try to understand why your child is frustrated.

-- Identify with your child's pain. Recall a time when you faced something difficult, and share it with your child. For example, "I remember when I was your age and I didn't get invited to a party..."

-- Do what you can to provide a cooling-off period for your child when he or she becomes angry. Read a book or go on a walk. Then, calmly discuss what happened and help your child make a plan for dealing with their anger more constructively next time.

There's some great stuff here. Hopefully Lynne's suggestions will bring an added measure of peace to your home as you help your son deal with his volatile emotions.

Q: My husband and I agree on the importance of discipline for our 2-year-old son, but our methods are different. I'm wondering if one method is better than another.

Juli: Even though your approaches vary, it's great that you and your husband agree on the importance of discipline for your son. This is a starting point that many couples don't share.

Practically every book on discipline emphasizes the importance of consistency. This is particularly important through the toddler years when your son's job is to explore and test boundaries! "No" should be "no" every time you say it. Mushy boundaries can make the toddler years more exhausting than they already are.

You and your husband need to agree on what behaviors you will punish and how, in general, you will respond to bad behavior. Having said that, you and your husband don't have to be clones; discipline is within the context of your relationship with your son. Your personality and the uniqueness of your relationship will impact discipline. For example, a mom who might be with her toddler all day long will be correcting behavior throughout the day, while dad might just deal with a big behavioral issue during the evening.

Yes, some discipline techniques are more effective, in general, with a child's unique personality. I would recommend that you and your husband pick up a book or two on the basics of discipline (visit focusonthefamily.com for some good options). Read them together and come to an agreement on the most effective way to teach and respond to your son's behavior. And remember, regardless of how you discipline, your son needs to know three things: Mom and Dad love him very much, Mom and Dad are on the same team, and he needs to respect both of your authority.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2010 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Q: I've just learned that my 12-year-old daughter has experienced sex with a classmate. We're both hurt by this. Three years ago her dad and I went through a divorce. Then he remarried and moved 18 hours away. All of this was pretty devastating to our daughter and I don't know what to do now.

Juli: My heart goes out to you and your daughter. Your heart as a mom must be broken as you think of her purity taken away at such a young age!

At 12, your daughter is just beginning the emotional challenges of adolescence. She's in the midst of trying to figure out who she is and what she believes. Losing her virginity at this age can be even more devastating if she begins building the foundation of her identity upon this one mistake. For this reason, you need to work hard to combat the messages she may believe about herself -- "I'm unworthy; I'm bad," etc.

It's also important that you reaffirm how much you love and value her. In the midst of spending time together, you'll need to have some difficult conversations about what she's feeling and the choices she has made. Because these topics are so sensitive, reading a book or watching a movie together that raises some of these issues can be a good way to open up the conversation.

Also, find a counselor, pastor or mentor who can help your daughter work through the painful rejection she probably feels from her dad's absence. Research overwhelmingly indicates that girls whose parents have gone through a divorce are far more likely to get involved sexually at an early age. It's very possible that your daughter's sexual activity is an attempt to replace the affection she once received from her dad.

Finally, don't neglect your own feelings in all of this. You need to be emotionally available for your daughter. That's tough when you're in the middle of your own grief process. Connect with a good friend or counselor who can be a support for you as you support your daughter.

Q: Our 22-year-old daughter is pregnant and living at home. She's currently working and attending college. She and the father are "in love" but don't feel ready to marry. She doesn't feel like she should marry just because she is pregnant. What advice can you give me about helping her?

Jim: First, I would praise her for choosing to have the baby. Abortion is often presented as a "solution" for unmarried mothers, but it only results in more pain for everyone involved. She needs your unwavering support and affirmation as she prepares to welcome this precious new life into the world.

That said, she can't stay with you forever. It's good that she's got a job and is attending college, although those things will need to be set aside, at least temporarily, after the baby arrives. Even though it's not an ideal situation, you and your husband (and the baby's father) need to be prepared to help her financially during this period.

And speaking of the father, I hope that he and your daughter will, sooner rather than later, consider getting married -- assuming he would be a good husband. They may not feel "ready," but if they're truly committed to one another, getting married and creating a stable home will be in the best interests of both them and their child. Don't pressure them into it, though -- it's a decision they'll need to reach on their own. Pray that the impending birth of their baby will help move them in that direction!

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2010 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.