Q: I've just learned that my 12-year-old daughter has experienced sex with a classmate. We're both hurt by this. Three years ago her dad and I went through a divorce. Then he remarried and moved 18 hours away. All of this was pretty devastating to our daughter and I don't know what to do now.

Juli: My heart goes out to you and your daughter. Your heart as a mom must be broken as you think of her purity taken away at such a young age!

At 12, your daughter is just beginning the emotional challenges of adolescence. She's in the midst of trying to figure out who she is and what she believes. Losing her virginity at this age can be even more devastating if she begins building the foundation of her identity upon this one mistake. For this reason, you need to work hard to combat the messages she may believe about herself -- "I'm unworthy; I'm bad," etc.

It's also important that you reaffirm how much you love and value her. In the midst of spending time together, you'll need to have some difficult conversations about what she's feeling and the choices she has made. Because these topics are so sensitive, reading a book or watching a movie together that raises some of these issues can be a good way to open up the conversation.

Also, find a counselor, pastor or mentor who can help your daughter work through the painful rejection she probably feels from her dad's absence. Research overwhelmingly indicates that girls whose parents have gone through a divorce are far more likely to get involved sexually at an early age. It's very possible that your daughter's sexual activity is an attempt to replace the affection she once received from her dad.

Finally, don't neglect your own feelings in all of this. You need to be emotionally available for your daughter. That's tough when you're in the middle of your own grief process. Connect with a good friend or counselor who can be a support for you as you support your daughter.

Q: Our 22-year-old daughter is pregnant and living at home. She's currently working and attending college. She and the father are "in love" but don't feel ready to marry. She doesn't feel like she should marry just because she is pregnant. What advice can you give me about helping her?

Jim: First, I would praise her for choosing to have the baby. Abortion is often presented as a "solution" for unmarried mothers, but it only results in more pain for everyone involved. She needs your unwavering support and affirmation as she prepares to welcome this precious new life into the world.

That said, she can't stay with you forever. It's good that she's got a job and is attending college, although those things will need to be set aside, at least temporarily, after the baby arrives. Even though it's not an ideal situation, you and your husband (and the baby's father) need to be prepared to help her financially during this period.

And speaking of the father, I hope that he and your daughter will, sooner rather than later, consider getting married -- assuming he would be a good husband. They may not feel "ready," but if they're truly committed to one another, getting married and creating a stable home will be in the best interests of both them and their child. Don't pressure them into it, though -- it's a decision they'll need to reach on their own. Pray that the impending birth of their baby will help move them in that direction!

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2010 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

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Q: Our 14-year-old daughter is asking us about dating, and my husband and I have told her she'll have to wait until she's 16 for maturity reasons. But this doesn't seem to satisfy her questions. Can you help? We want her to know this is about love, not control, and that we want to help protect her from sexual temptation.

Juli: Dating is one of those parenting issues that every family seems to approach differently. First, how do you define "dating"? Does it mean an exclusive relationship with a boy? Going out for actual dates? There's a big difference between two kids who have a crush on each other and an exclusive relationship involving emotional and physical intimacy.

I'd approach this situation by normalizing your daughter's desire to "date." A lot of her friends are probably "dating," and having a boyfriend may be a big aspect of popularity. It's great to get to know the opposite gender and it's OK to like someone. However, explain to her that a lot of the things people do in dating relationships are harmful -- such as frequent breakups, sexting, or sharing too much emotionally or physically.

In addition to putting kids at risk for early sexual activity, dating in the young teen years interferes with the many healthy activities kids this age need to be doing. In fact, many kids start dating young just because they're bored. Keep your daughter busy discovering activities that match her interests, like sports, volunteering or babysitting. Encourage her to develop healthy friendships with many peers -- guys and gals -- rather than focusing her attention on one individual.

Your daughter may still not be satisfied with that approach, and that's OK. Most 14-year-olds think their parents are out of touch or too strict. We thought that about our parents, too. But in hindsight, she'll be grateful for your protection during these early teen years.

Q: Do you have a list of questions a father should be asking his daughter's potential boyfriend?

Jim: I had a friend, retired from the military, who would make sure that his shotgun was prominently displayed nearby whenever a suitor came calling on his daughter. While she was getting ready, he'd sit each guy down on the couch and say something along the lines of, "My daughter is more important to me than anything. I'd go to jail for her. I expect you to treat her with the utmost respect, or you will answer to me." One guy jumped off the couch and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but I don't want to run the risk of letting you down!" and headed out the front door.

I'm not suggesting you take this approach! But you could use more subtle means to convey the same message: that while your daughter still lives under your roof, she is primarily your responsibility and you expect her to be treated with the utmost care and respect.

As for other questions, the tried-and-true "What are your intentions with my daughter?" is a good measuring stick. Try to find out what his interests are, how he's doing in school, and what his own family is like. His answers to these questions can reveal much about how he feels about your daughter (and women in general), the degree to which he respects authority, and his own value system.

Realistically, a first-time interview is not the most effective means of evaluating a young man's character. If he continues to pursue your daughter, invite him to spend more time with your family. That will better enable you to evaluate whether or not he's a worthy suitor.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2010 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Q: Years ago my former husband was convicted of molesting our daughter (now age 9), and his parole will be ending soon. Our children (we also have a son, age 11) haven't seen him since 2002 and neither one remembers him. I've been told he's in a good church and is doing well. I'm trying to decide if he should have any contact with our children -- even letters and pictures. I'm not comfortable with this and I don't want to risk hurting my kids again after we've made so much progress. But I also don't want my kids to hate me or blame me for not letting them know their dad. What do you think?

Juli: Your situation is such a difficult one! It sounds like you've had to walk through a lot of pain. I can understand your hesitancy to reconnect your children with their father, even in light of the healing and growth he appears to have experienced.

The parent-child relationship is sensitive. A child is in a completely vulnerable position, trusting a parent to provide safety and love. When a parent violates that trust in such a harmful way by abusing or molesting his children, he rightfully forgoes the privilege of parenting.

As harsh as it might sound, I would discourage you from initiating contact between your children and their father right now. They're too young to understand that dad may love them, but may not be a safe person for them to be around. Perhaps you could encourage a relationship when they're older (late teens or early adults) and less vulnerable to being hurt by their dad. In the meantime, their safety and innocence are your top priority.

Your children may be resentful that you're withholding from them a relationship with their father. But parents sometimes need to make difficult and unpopular decisions that are in the best interests of their kids, trusting that with time they will understand.

Q: After two years of marriage, my wife says she doesn't love me anymore. This is devastating because I love her with all my heart. There's no abuse or nasty habits, we attend church regularly and we've both been faithful. But this is not the first marriage for either of us. Until I was asked to move out several months ago, I seemed to have a great relationship with her and her two sons. She says she's "not happy" and unless her feelings change in 60 days, she'll file for divorce. What can I do?

Jim: Your desire to preserve your marriage is commendable. It's impossible to know for sure without more information, but your wife seems to believe that the marriage should end simply because she doesn't feel "in love" with you any more. The strongest marriages grow out of a rock-solid commitment on the part of both spouses -- a commitment that doesn't waver with fluctuating emotions and feelings. In fact, it's possible that if your wife could grasp the importance of the commitment she made to you when you got married, those feelings of love could return.

Regardless, it's imperative that you and your wife find a quality marriage counselor during this critical time -- one that can help you both work through your feelings and find a way back to that bedrock of commitment. (For help in finding a counselor, visit Focus on the Family's website.) If your wife still feels the same way after visiting the counselor -- or if she won't agree to counseling in the first place -- you should not beg her to stay. But I pray it won't come to that.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2010 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: FocusOnTheFamily.com

©2010 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured, All Rights reserved.