Q: Years ago my former husband was convicted of molesting our daughter (now age 9), and his parole will be ending soon. Our children (we also have a son, age 11) haven't seen him since 2002 and neither one remembers him. I've been told he's in a good church and is doing well. I'm trying to decide if he should have any contact with our children -- even letters and pictures. I'm not comfortable with this and I don't want to risk hurting my kids again after we've made so much progress. But I also don't want my kids to hate me or blame me for not letting them know their dad. What do you think?

Juli: Your situation is such a difficult one! It sounds like you've had to walk through a lot of pain. I can understand your hesitancy to reconnect your children with their father, even in light of the healing and growth he appears to have experienced.

The parent-child relationship is sensitive. A child is in a completely vulnerable position, trusting a parent to provide safety and love. When a parent violates that trust in such a harmful way by abusing or molesting his children, he rightfully forgoes the privilege of parenting.

As harsh as it might sound, I would discourage you from initiating contact between your children and their father right now. They're too young to understand that dad may love them, but may not be a safe person for them to be around. Perhaps you could encourage a relationship when they're older (late teens or early adults) and less vulnerable to being hurt by their dad. In the meantime, their safety and innocence are your top priority.

Your children may be resentful that you're withholding from them a relationship with their father. But parents sometimes need to make difficult and unpopular decisions that are in the best interests of their kids, trusting that with time they will understand.

Q: After two years of marriage, my wife says she doesn't love me anymore. This is devastating because I love her with all my heart. There's no abuse or nasty habits, we attend church regularly and we've both been faithful. But this is not the first marriage for either of us. Until I was asked to move out several months ago, I seemed to have a great relationship with her and her two sons. She says she's "not happy" and unless her feelings change in 60 days, she'll file for divorce. What can I do?

Jim: Your desire to preserve your marriage is commendable. It's impossible to know for sure without more information, but your wife seems to believe that the marriage should end simply because she doesn't feel "in love" with you any more. The strongest marriages grow out of a rock-solid commitment on the part of both spouses -- a commitment that doesn't waver with fluctuating emotions and feelings. In fact, it's possible that if your wife could grasp the importance of the commitment she made to you when you got married, those feelings of love could return.

Regardless, it's imperative that you and your wife find a quality marriage counselor during this critical time -- one that can help you both work through your feelings and find a way back to that bedrock of commitment. (For help in finding a counselor, visit Focus on the Family's website.) If your wife still feels the same way after visiting the counselor -- or if she won't agree to counseling in the first place -- you should not beg her to stay. But I pray it won't come to that.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2010 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: FocusOnTheFamily.com

©2010 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured, All Rights reserved.

Q: My husband of 20 years has reconnected with two ex-girlfriends on the Internet. He started chatting with one of them about three years ago. When I found out I confronted him, he quickly closed it all down, admitted his mistakes, and begged me to forgive him. But now he's done it again with a second girlfriend. I don't think I can trust him anymore. I don't want a divorce -- we have three teenagers and I'd rather try to work things out. But I don't see any changes in his behavior.

Jim: It's time to exercise some "tough love" in your relationship. Let your husband know that you love him and that you want the marriage to work, but that his continued dalliances are unacceptable. He's being selfish and juvenile, and setting a horrible example for your children. You may need to consider a legal separation until he gets his act together.

As a first step, though, find a licensed marriage and family counselor who can help you and your husband navigate the rocky terrain in front of you. Counseling is a critical avenue for honest, open communication and can help facilitate the healing process.

Your husband also needs to set personal boundaries and get some accountability in his life. Many churches have men's groups in which the participants can share their struggles and ask tough questions of one another about how they spend their time on the computer, etc. This is an essential step for your husband if he hopes to earn back your trust.

Q: My husband had a one-time affair with a co-worker and struggles with pornography. We're currently separated, though he is working very hard toward recovery. He wants to reconcile and so do I. What is the best way to work toward that?

Juli: I'm so glad that you're both motivated to work toward healing and restoration. Unfortunately, many couples are not willing to invest the effort to put their marriages back together after such a breach of trust. Your marriage can be restored and even strengthened, but it will take time and a lot of work on both of your parts.

As Jim said in the previous answer, working with a qualified marriage counselor will go a long way in your efforts toward healing. I recommend that you and your husband meet regularly with a counselor who can help you map out and walk through a plan of what restoration looks like.

Given your husband's struggles with sexual temptation, I'd also recommend that he meet individually with a counselor who specializes in such issues to help him with personal healing and accountability. Even with the best intentions, he may continue to battle those temptations and will need people around him to help him honor his commitment to you. In addition to the counseling, this may mean installing Internet accountability software, asking your husband to resolve to never to have a meal alone with another woman -- even in a professional setting -- and establishing other parameters.

Finally, don't rush the process. The desire to renew their relationship sometimes causes couples to skip steps. The trauma that your marriage has experienced can only heal over time. You need the freedom to ask questions like, "How do I know this won't happen again?" or "What led to the infidelity in the first place?" Skipping steps or reconciling too quickly will lead to unresolved issues and hard feelings emerging later on.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2010 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Q: I have just entered into a relationship with a man whom I really love and care for. I have one small but nagging concern about our relationship -- I'm 22 years old and he's almost 40. Is this a problem? Will it be a problem in the future?

Jim: There's nothing inherently wrong with such an arrangement, but there are certainly some things you should consider before going too deep into the relationship.

The first has to do with the basic difference in your life experiences. You're barely beyond college age; he's approaching midlife and has already spent considerable time in the adult world pursuing a career and having romantic relationships. Under normal circumstances, he will have achieved a greater degree of maturity than you have at this stage in your life. Now, I'm not accusing you of being "immature." And it's quite possible that he's young at heart. But you should honestly consider whether the difference in your levels of life experience will impact your relationship before forging ahead.

In addition, some young women are attracted to older men because they're really looking for a father figure. The men recognize this and end up manipulating or controlling their younger girlfriends. Take a personal inventory and consider whether you view your boyfriend as a peer and partner, or if you're seeking to meet an unmet father-need in your life. If it's the latter, you should put a halt to the relationship in fairness to you both.

I know plenty of happily married couples who have significant age differences between them. But you do need to take these things into account before moving forward.

Q: When I got engaged last week I got a hostile reaction from my parents, especially my mom. She believes we're "too young," even though we're both in our mid-20s! I'm wondering if this is because of the "empty nest" syndrome -- my mom and I have always been close, and I'm the last of her children to leave the home. We've always been a tight-knit family and this crisis really concerns me. What should I do?

Juli: Even though, in your mind, parents should greet an engagement with a lot of enthusiasm, it's fairly normal for them to have some anxiety, and even hostility. You've already touched on the idea that it will be difficult for your mom to let you go. Your marriage means a huge transition, not only in your relationship with her, but in her own life. Give her time to adjust to the idea of losing you.

Having said that, your parents may also have legitimate concerns about your engagement. Often they can see something that you can't. For example, they may observe that your fiance is controlling or rude. If they're hitting on something that could be true, validate the concern. You could say, "I can see what you're saying. That's why we are going through premarital counseling." This mature attitude will assure your parents that you're going into marriage with your eyes wide open and that you're aware of possible red flags. If your parents continue to harp on the same concerns, remind them that you've already talked about that and considered their advice.

Also, be careful not to put your fiance in the middle of the drama with your parents. Emotions are probably running high on all sides. Don't make decisions or statements that could do lasting damage to the long-term relationships. Your parents will likely come around to supporting your engagement and marriage. In the meantime, reaffirm your love for them, acknowledging that this is a tough time for them.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2010 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.