Q: My husband of 20 years has reconnected with two ex-girlfriends on the Internet. He started chatting with one of them about three years ago. When I found out I confronted him, he quickly closed it all down, admitted his mistakes, and begged me to forgive him. But now he's done it again with a second girlfriend. I don't think I can trust him anymore. I don't want a divorce -- we have three teenagers and I'd rather try to work things out. But I don't see any changes in his behavior.

Jim: It's time to exercise some "tough love" in your relationship. Let your husband know that you love him and that you want the marriage to work, but that his continued dalliances are unacceptable. He's being selfish and juvenile, and setting a horrible example for your children. You may need to consider a legal separation until he gets his act together.

As a first step, though, find a licensed marriage and family counselor who can help you and your husband navigate the rocky terrain in front of you. Counseling is a critical avenue for honest, open communication and can help facilitate the healing process.

Your husband also needs to set personal boundaries and get some accountability in his life. Many churches have men's groups in which the participants can share their struggles and ask tough questions of one another about how they spend their time on the computer, etc. This is an essential step for your husband if he hopes to earn back your trust.

Q: My husband had a one-time affair with a co-worker and struggles with pornography. We're currently separated, though he is working very hard toward recovery. He wants to reconcile and so do I. What is the best way to work toward that?

Juli: I'm so glad that you're both motivated to work toward healing and restoration. Unfortunately, many couples are not willing to invest the effort to put their marriages back together after such a breach of trust. Your marriage can be restored and even strengthened, but it will take time and a lot of work on both of your parts.

As Jim said in the previous answer, working with a qualified marriage counselor will go a long way in your efforts toward healing. I recommend that you and your husband meet regularly with a counselor who can help you map out and walk through a plan of what restoration looks like.

Given your husband's struggles with sexual temptation, I'd also recommend that he meet individually with a counselor who specializes in such issues to help him with personal healing and accountability. Even with the best intentions, he may continue to battle those temptations and will need people around him to help him honor his commitment to you. In addition to the counseling, this may mean installing Internet accountability software, asking your husband to resolve to never to have a meal alone with another woman -- even in a professional setting -- and establishing other parameters.

Finally, don't rush the process. The desire to renew their relationship sometimes causes couples to skip steps. The trauma that your marriage has experienced can only heal over time. You need the freedom to ask questions like, "How do I know this won't happen again?" or "What led to the infidelity in the first place?" Skipping steps or reconciling too quickly will lead to unresolved issues and hard feelings emerging later on.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2010 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

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Q: I have just entered into a relationship with a man whom I really love and care for. I have one small but nagging concern about our relationship -- I'm 22 years old and he's almost 40. Is this a problem? Will it be a problem in the future?

Jim: There's nothing inherently wrong with such an arrangement, but there are certainly some things you should consider before going too deep into the relationship.

The first has to do with the basic difference in your life experiences. You're barely beyond college age; he's approaching midlife and has already spent considerable time in the adult world pursuing a career and having romantic relationships. Under normal circumstances, he will have achieved a greater degree of maturity than you have at this stage in your life. Now, I'm not accusing you of being "immature." And it's quite possible that he's young at heart. But you should honestly consider whether the difference in your levels of life experience will impact your relationship before forging ahead.

In addition, some young women are attracted to older men because they're really looking for a father figure. The men recognize this and end up manipulating or controlling their younger girlfriends. Take a personal inventory and consider whether you view your boyfriend as a peer and partner, or if you're seeking to meet an unmet father-need in your life. If it's the latter, you should put a halt to the relationship in fairness to you both.

I know plenty of happily married couples who have significant age differences between them. But you do need to take these things into account before moving forward.

Q: When I got engaged last week I got a hostile reaction from my parents, especially my mom. She believes we're "too young," even though we're both in our mid-20s! I'm wondering if this is because of the "empty nest" syndrome -- my mom and I have always been close, and I'm the last of her children to leave the home. We've always been a tight-knit family and this crisis really concerns me. What should I do?

Juli: Even though, in your mind, parents should greet an engagement with a lot of enthusiasm, it's fairly normal for them to have some anxiety, and even hostility. You've already touched on the idea that it will be difficult for your mom to let you go. Your marriage means a huge transition, not only in your relationship with her, but in her own life. Give her time to adjust to the idea of losing you.

Having said that, your parents may also have legitimate concerns about your engagement. Often they can see something that you can't. For example, they may observe that your fiance is controlling or rude. If they're hitting on something that could be true, validate the concern. You could say, "I can see what you're saying. That's why we are going through premarital counseling." This mature attitude will assure your parents that you're going into marriage with your eyes wide open and that you're aware of possible red flags. If your parents continue to harp on the same concerns, remind them that you've already talked about that and considered their advice.

Also, be careful not to put your fiance in the middle of the drama with your parents. Emotions are probably running high on all sides. Don't make decisions or statements that could do lasting damage to the long-term relationships. Your parents will likely come around to supporting your engagement and marriage. In the meantime, reaffirm your love for them, acknowledging that this is a tough time for them.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2010 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

QUESTION: My teenage daughter was not asked to the homecoming dance, and she's heartbroken. How can I convince her that it's not the end of the world?

Jim: For better or worse, many teens infuse high school dances with a sense of importance rivaling that of a state dinner (albeit a state dinner characterized by loud music and a lack of decorum!). Those of us on the other side of adolescence look back on the homecoming dance as a fun but essentially inconsequential diversion. But for your daughter and her peers, this is a monumental event.

We'd encourage you to avoid making a fuss over your daughter's disappointment either way. Trying to convince her that this isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things is a fool's errand. At the same time, don't empathize with her too much or do anything else that might prolong her sense of melancholy.

The bigger issue here is your daughter's sense of self-worth. The emotions she's experiencing are real. She wants to feel accepted by her peers, not like an outcast. Give her time to be sad and withdrawn, and if she wants to talk about it, listen with an open heart. Reaffirm her as a person and reinforce the importance of character as opposed to mere popularity. When the night of the dance arrives, help her avoid wallowing in her misery. If she has any other date-less friends, perhaps you could host a slumber party for them. Or make it a "family date night" at a destination of her choosing.

With some patience and sensitivity, you can help your daughter weather this storm. Once the dance is over and the homecoming hype dies down, she'll feel like her old self again.

QUESTION: I grew up with Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and Halloween. We went trick-or-treating every year. But my husband was raised in a family where none of this was approved of. In fact, he and his parents aren't really comfortable with imaginary characters like fairies, dragons, magic, etc. I would like our young children (ages 3 and 1) to be able to enjoy these things in a healthy way -- but my husband and I are having trouble finding common ground on this issue. Do you have any recommendations for us?

Juli: Although it is normal for us to parent based on traditions and biases that we were raised with, I would encourage you and your husband to move beyond family traditions and start talking about family convictions. The real issue is what do you and your husband believe and value as a new family unit? Why is it important for you that your kids enjoy these holidays and what are your husband's reservations? Once you get beyond talking about what you did growing up and start talking about values and convictions, you are much more likely to find common ground.

For example, you may value the fun and excitement of children dressing up for Halloween. Your husband may object to the satanic overtones often involved with dressing like a witch, ghost or magical creature. Perhaps you decide to honor both convictions by going to a harvest party or church celebration around Halloween where kids dress up and get candy, but without the baggage that comes with traditional "trick or treat."

While you each may have to compromise on family traditions from the past, be intentional about honoring each other's convictions.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2010 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.