QUESTION: My teenage daughter was not asked to the homecoming dance, and she's heartbroken. How can I convince her that it's not the end of the world?

Jim: For better or worse, many teens infuse high school dances with a sense of importance rivaling that of a state dinner (albeit a state dinner characterized by loud music and a lack of decorum!). Those of us on the other side of adolescence look back on the homecoming dance as a fun but essentially inconsequential diversion. But for your daughter and her peers, this is a monumental event.

We'd encourage you to avoid making a fuss over your daughter's disappointment either way. Trying to convince her that this isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things is a fool's errand. At the same time, don't empathize with her too much or do anything else that might prolong her sense of melancholy.

The bigger issue here is your daughter's sense of self-worth. The emotions she's experiencing are real. She wants to feel accepted by her peers, not like an outcast. Give her time to be sad and withdrawn, and if she wants to talk about it, listen with an open heart. Reaffirm her as a person and reinforce the importance of character as opposed to mere popularity. When the night of the dance arrives, help her avoid wallowing in her misery. If she has any other date-less friends, perhaps you could host a slumber party for them. Or make it a "family date night" at a destination of her choosing.

With some patience and sensitivity, you can help your daughter weather this storm. Once the dance is over and the homecoming hype dies down, she'll feel like her old self again.

QUESTION: I grew up with Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and Halloween. We went trick-or-treating every year. But my husband was raised in a family where none of this was approved of. In fact, he and his parents aren't really comfortable with imaginary characters like fairies, dragons, magic, etc. I would like our young children (ages 3 and 1) to be able to enjoy these things in a healthy way -- but my husband and I are having trouble finding common ground on this issue. Do you have any recommendations for us?

Juli: Although it is normal for us to parent based on traditions and biases that we were raised with, I would encourage you and your husband to move beyond family traditions and start talking about family convictions. The real issue is what do you and your husband believe and value as a new family unit? Why is it important for you that your kids enjoy these holidays and what are your husband's reservations? Once you get beyond talking about what you did growing up and start talking about values and convictions, you are much more likely to find common ground.

For example, you may value the fun and excitement of children dressing up for Halloween. Your husband may object to the satanic overtones often involved with dressing like a witch, ghost or magical creature. Perhaps you decide to honor both convictions by going to a harvest party or church celebration around Halloween where kids dress up and get candy, but without the baggage that comes with traditional "trick or treat."

While you each may have to compromise on family traditions from the past, be intentional about honoring each other's convictions.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2010 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

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Question: I've been dating the same guy for a year, and he's wonderful. We're not ready to get married yet, but we're talking about moving in together. My very traditional parents don't approve. What do you think?

Jim: Listen to your parents, and don't move in together until after you've tied the knot. This isn't about being "old fashioned." Social science research indicates that couples who live together prior to marriage are much more likely to get divorced than those who don't. You and your boyfriend might think that moving in together will help you build a stronger foundation for marriage later. But you'll actually be increasing your chances of ending up in divorce court.

This all has to do with the concept of commitment, which is essential to any marriage. The two of you may be very much in love, but the plain truth is that nothing is set in stone. There is no engagement, no ring, no public profession of your lifelong love. Without these things in place, your living together will mimic marriage in some respects, but it will lack that critical element of commitment.

Generally speaking, men tend to take relationships less seriously -- and view them as temporary -- when marriage vows are not involved. All too often, the woman in a cohabiting relationship ends up getting hurt when the man moves out and moves on. Professor George Akerlof at the University of California, Berkeley put it this way: "Men settle down when they get married. If they fail to get married, they fail to settle down."

Maybe this is true of your boyfriend, and maybe not. The point is that you both need to continue dating and decide whether you'll ever be ready to get married to one another. If and when that happens, you'll have the rest of your lives to spend together under the same roof.

Question: But we're already committed to each other. Is living together really a "death sentence" for the relationship?

Juli: An increasingly common form of "family" in the United States today is a man and woman living together without a wedding ring. So, you are certainly not alone in your consideration of living with your boyfriend as a step toward or even around marriage. In fact, over 50 percent of marriages today are preceded by cohabitation.

But remember that just because something is common, doesn't mean it's the best for you. An awful lot of people have cancer, too!

Jim hit the nail on the head here: When you really think about it, cohabitation is giving guys intimacy on their terms. Throughout history, women have naturally longed for the security of a consistent, committed relationship in which to make a home and raise children. Men have been more prone to seek companionship and sexual fulfillment without the responsibilities and limitations that come with marriage. By moving in with your boyfriend, you are taking away any incentive he may have to grow up and make a lifelong commitment to you.

Don't buy the line that living together before marriage will be a good trial run. As Jim noted, cohabiting couples are much more likely to end up divorced. They're also more likely to experience depression, poverty, infidelity and domestic violence.

I know your parents sound old-fashioned and traditional to you, but some traditions persist because they actually work. Marriage is one of them. I'd encourage you not to compromise on this one. If this relationship has the potential to go the distance, don't saddle it with the burdens that come with cohabitation. And if this guy is worthy of committing your life to, he's worth the wait -- and so are you!

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2010 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

QUESTION: I don't like the way my son and his wife are raising their kids. I don't want to interfere, but shouldn't I have a say in what's good for my own grandchildren?

Juli: There is an excellent chance that your son and daughter-in-law know that you have some concerns about how they're raising your grandkids. Young parents harbor a lot of doubts of their own and quickly pick up the vibe when a close friend or relative disapproves of their parenting. Your son and his wife are likely to be more defensive and withdrawn from you the more they pick up on your concerns.

Whether or not you realize it, you potentially have a fair amount of influence in their parenting. They may even welcome your perspective and opinion -- but only if they first feel safe with you.

Influence is a tricky thing. When you overreach with it, you lose it. A lot of parents and in-laws are too forceful with their opinions and unsolicited advice. This causes a young couple to distance themselves in order to ward off potential criticism.

Your greatest influence is your presence with your son, his wife and children. Even if you never mention your concerns or offer advice, the way you carry yourself, show unconditional love, and the character you model will leave a tremendous impression.

My encouragement to you is to build a trusting relationship, particularly with your daughter-in-law. Find ways that you can genuinely compliment her as a wife and mother, remembering that motherhood can, at times, be an exhausting marathon. Show her that you care about her as a person, and as difficult as it may be, let go of your concerns for now. The day will come when she is desperate for a word of advice or wisdom. She's far more likely to seek you out if you have built a trusting relationship than if she feels threatened by your disapproval.

QUESTION: My family recently joined a church. My elderly father has no use for religion, and he's trying to convince my kids that they're wasting their time. Should I prevent them from seeing their grandpa?

Jim: We'd advise that you set firm boundaries with your father and make it clear that it's your right and responsibility to oversee your children's spiritual growth. He doesn't have to like the fact that they're attending church with you, but he needs to respect your decision.

At the same time, I can empathize with your desire to maintain a good relationship with him, especially for the sake of your kids. Growing up, I didn't have any grandparents. There's evidence my mom and dad may have been part of the witness protection program (no joke!), and so extended family was nonexistent. I would have loved nothing more than to have someone to call "Grandma" and "Grandpa." With that in mind, it would be tragic if you and your kids were to become estranged from your dad over this issue.

The challenge, then, is to arrive at a point of compromise. Make it clear to your dad that you love and respect him, and that you want your kids to be able to spend quality time with their grandpa. But also make it clear that you need to make your own choices as a parent, and that if he has concerns about your family's spiritual path, he should take them up with you, not the kids. It won't be easy, but with honesty, open communication and respect from both parties, there's no reason your kids can't continue to have a fun and healthy relationship with their grandpa.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2010 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.