QUESTION: I don't like the way my son and his wife are raising their kids. I don't want to interfere, but shouldn't I have a say in what's good for my own grandchildren?

Juli: There is an excellent chance that your son and daughter-in-law know that you have some concerns about how they're raising your grandkids. Young parents harbor a lot of doubts of their own and quickly pick up the vibe when a close friend or relative disapproves of their parenting. Your son and his wife are likely to be more defensive and withdrawn from you the more they pick up on your concerns.

Whether or not you realize it, you potentially have a fair amount of influence in their parenting. They may even welcome your perspective and opinion -- but only if they first feel safe with you.

Influence is a tricky thing. When you overreach with it, you lose it. A lot of parents and in-laws are too forceful with their opinions and unsolicited advice. This causes a young couple to distance themselves in order to ward off potential criticism.

Your greatest influence is your presence with your son, his wife and children. Even if you never mention your concerns or offer advice, the way you carry yourself, show unconditional love, and the character you model will leave a tremendous impression.

My encouragement to you is to build a trusting relationship, particularly with your daughter-in-law. Find ways that you can genuinely compliment her as a wife and mother, remembering that motherhood can, at times, be an exhausting marathon. Show her that you care about her as a person, and as difficult as it may be, let go of your concerns for now. The day will come when she is desperate for a word of advice or wisdom. She's far more likely to seek you out if you have built a trusting relationship than if she feels threatened by your disapproval.

QUESTION: My family recently joined a church. My elderly father has no use for religion, and he's trying to convince my kids that they're wasting their time. Should I prevent them from seeing their grandpa?

Jim: We'd advise that you set firm boundaries with your father and make it clear that it's your right and responsibility to oversee your children's spiritual growth. He doesn't have to like the fact that they're attending church with you, but he needs to respect your decision.

At the same time, I can empathize with your desire to maintain a good relationship with him, especially for the sake of your kids. Growing up, I didn't have any grandparents. There's evidence my mom and dad may have been part of the witness protection program (no joke!), and so extended family was nonexistent. I would have loved nothing more than to have someone to call "Grandma" and "Grandpa." With that in mind, it would be tragic if you and your kids were to become estranged from your dad over this issue.

The challenge, then, is to arrive at a point of compromise. Make it clear to your dad that you love and respect him, and that you want your kids to be able to spend quality time with their grandpa. But also make it clear that you need to make your own choices as a parent, and that if he has concerns about your family's spiritual path, he should take them up with you, not the kids. It won't be easy, but with honesty, open communication and respect from both parties, there's no reason your kids can't continue to have a fun and healthy relationship with their grandpa.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2010 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

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QUESTION: I'm struggling with how to keep my kids motivated throughout the school year. In past years, I've felt like the cheerleader, constantly encouraging them to take school seriously. How can I make this year different?

Juli: Truth be told, many parents are dreading the beginning of a new school year even more than their children for just the reason you mentioned. It takes a lot of energy to motivate kids to stay on top of their work!

One key to starting out the year on a positive note is to begin with realistic and objective goals as a source of motivation. Whereas the right kind of goals can be encouraging, the wrong goals can add to feelings of apathy and failure.

First of all, make sure the goals you help your kids set are realistic. For example, most children are not capable of getting all A's and stop trying when they receive their first subpar grade. So, instead, how about setting the goal of getting a higher math grade than you did last year or turning in your assignments on time?

Secondly, your child's goals should be objective or measurable. Having the goal of "working hard" may sound inspiring, but it will feel like nailing Jell-O to a tree unless there is an objective way of seeing progress.

Finally, remember that not all school goals should be academic. Although grades are important, your child may also need to focus on goals more related to character or social skills.

Whether your children are entering kindergarten or college, help them to create a goal or two and write them down. Younger children may need to have their goals mapped on a sticker chart so they can see their progress.

Your job is to slowly transfer the motivation for doing well to your children. Teaching your kids to set and achieve goals is a great step in the process.

QUESTION: I have a happy, smart and energetic 8-year-old daughter who is struggling with two problems -- she's messy and off-task most of the time. She's a straight-A student, but I constantly have to push her to get ready for school, do her homework and get to bed. It's exhausting! She seems unconcerned and unmotivated, and would rather play than anything else. How can I help her?

Jim: We've actually heard from other parents in your situation. Our first thought is that your daughter could use a good dose of self-discipline. This would not only help her be more efficient in completing her tasks, it would also relieve you of the burden of policing her all the time.

Implementing a system of rewards and reinforcement can help your daughter learn to take responsibility and show initiative. Maybe you can tell her that if she gets herself ready for school for a straight week without having to be constantly monitored, you'll take her out for a milkshake on the weekend. (The occasional milkshake is a great motivator for my boys -- and for me, too!)

She also needs to experience negative consequences. You don't want her to flunk out of school, but if you stop hounding her about her homework and she ends up getting a lower grade as a result of turning in an assignment late, the trauma of that experience might offer just the motivation she needs to stay on top of her schoolwork next time.

Be sure to cut her some slack, too. Some kids are more messy and flighty by nature, and you don't want to change her personality entirely. Just be sure to lavish praise and affirmation on her when things go right. A kind and affirming word from you will likely be the best reward of all.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2010 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

QUESTION: What can we as parents do to improve public schools in our area?

DR. DOBSON: Most educators know that parental involvement is absolutely critical to what public schools are trying to do. Others (fortunately not the majority) see themselves as the professionals and resent parental interference. We should never accede to that idea. Parents are ultimately responsible for the education of their kids, and they should not surrender that authority. Educators are their employees, paid with tax dollars, and are accountable to the school-board members whom parents elect. The best schools are those with the greatest parental involvement and support.

With that understanding, let me urge you to visit your child's school to answer questions of interest to you. Does the staff understand the necessity for structure, respect and discipline in the classroom? If so, why don't you call your child's teacher and the principal and express your appreciation to them. They could use a pat on the back. Tell them you stand ready to assist in carrying out their important mission. If your school system is not so oriented, get involved to help turn the tide. Meet with parent groups. Join the PTA. Review the textbooks. Work for the election of school-board members who believe in traditional values and academic excellence. Let me say it again: Schools function best when the time-honored principle of local control -- by parents -- prevails. I believe it is making a comeback!

QUESTION: Schools are asked to accomplish many things on behalf of our kids today. They are even expected to teach them how to have sex without spreading disease. What part of the curriculum would you give the greatest priority?

DR. DOBSON: Schools that try to do everything may wind up doing very little. That's why I believe we should give priority to the academic fundamentals -- what used to be called "readin', writin' and 'rithmetic'." Of those three, the most important is basic literacy. An appalling number of students graduating from high school can't even read the employment page of the newspaper or comprehend an elementary book. Every one of those young men and women will suffer years of pain and embarrassment because of our failure. That misery starts at a very young age.

A tenth-grade boy was once referred to me because he was dropping out of school. I asked why he was quitting, and he said with great passion, "I've been miserable since first grade. I've felt embarrassed and stupid every year. I've had to stand up and read, but I can't even understand a second grade book. You people have had your last laugh at me. I'm getting out." I told him I didn't blame him for the way he felt; his suffering was our responsibility.

Teaching children to read should be "Job One" for educators. Giving boys and girls that basic skill is the foundation on which other learning is built. Unfortunately, millions of young people are still functionally illiterate after completing twelve years of schooling and receiving high school diplomas. There is no excuse for this failure.