QUESTION: I'm twenty-two years old and am still living at home. It's driving me nuts. My folks are in my face every day. They want me to get a full-time job 'cause I only work part-time at a convenience store. Why can't they get off my case and leave me alone?

DR. DOBSON: With all respect, I think it's time for you to pack. Many young adults like you continue to hang around the house because they don't know what to do next. That is a recipe for trouble. Your mother and father can't help "parenting" you if you remain under their noses. To them, it seems like only yesterday since you were born. They find it difficult to think of you as an adult.

The way you live probably irritates them, too. They hate your messy room, which would require a tetanus shot just to walk through. They don't like your music. They go to bed early and arise with the sun; you keep the same hours as hamsters. You drive the family car like you've been to Kamikaze Driving School. They want you to get a job -- go to school -- do something. Every day brings a new argument -- a new battle. When things deteriorate to that point, it's time to get out.

QUESTION: I've heard that we forget more than 80 percent of what we learn. When you consider the cost of getting an education, I wonder why we put all that effort into examinations, textbooks, homework and years spent in boring classrooms. Is education really worth what we invest in it?

DR. DOBSON: In fact, it is. There are many valid reasons for learning, even if forgetting will take its usual toll. First, one of the important functions of the learning process is the self-discipline and self-control that it fosters. Good students learn to follow directions, carry out assignments, and channel their mental faculties. Second, even if the facts and concepts can't be recalled, the individual knows they exist and where to find them. He or she can retrieve the information if needed. Third, old learning makes new learning easier. Each mental exercise gives us more associative cues with which to link future ideas and concepts, and we are changed for having been through the process of learning. Fourth, we don't really forget everything that is beyond the reach of our memories. The information is stored in the brain and will return to consciousness when properly stimulated. And fifth, we are shaped by the influence of intelligent and charismatic people who taught us.

I wish there were an easier, more efficient process for shaping human minds than the slow and painful experience of education. But until a "learning pill" is developed, the old-fashioned approach will have to do.

QUESTION: Our fourteen-year-old recently came to my husband and me to say, "I'm pregnant." Nothing has ever upset us more than hearing those words. What should our attitude toward her be now?

DR. DOBSON: Responding to a teenage pregnancy is one of the most difficult trials parents are ever asked to face. When the news breaks, it's reasonable to feel anger at the girl who has brought this humiliation and pain into her life. How dare this kid do something so stupid and hurtful to herself and the entire family!

Once you have caught your breath, however, a more rational and loving response is appropriate. This is no time for recrimination. Your daughter needs your understanding and wisdom now more than ever. She'll face many important decisions in the next few months, and you can't afford to alienate yourselves from her.

QUESTION: Is there a way I as a father can influence my daughter's attitude toward boys? If she chooses to marry, she will need to understand men and know how to relate to them. Is that something I should be thinking about?

DR. DOBSON: You bet it is. Long before a girl finds her first real boyfriend or falls in love, her attitude toward men has been shaped quietly by her father. Why? Because the father-daughter relationship sets the stage for all future romantic involvements.

If a young woman's father rejects her, she'll spend her life trying to find a man who can meet the needs he never fulfilled in her heart. If he's warm and nurturing, she'll look for a lover to equal him. If he thinks she's beautiful and feminine, she'll be inclined to see herself that way. But, if he rejects her as unattractive and uninteresting, she's likely to carry self-image problems into her adult years.

It's also true that a woman's relationship with her husband is significantly influenced by the way she perceived her father's authority. If he was overbearing or capricious during her earlier years, she may precipitate power struggles with her husband throughout married life. But, if Dad blended love and discipline in a way that conveyed strength, she may be more comfortable with a give-and-take marriage characterized by mutual respect.

So much of what goes into marriage starts with the bride's father. That's why it behooves those of us with daughters to give our best effort to raising them properly. You are right to be thinking about that vital relationship.

QUESTION: As a father, what should I be trying to accomplish with my son in these teen years?

DR. DOBSON: Someone has said, "Link a boy to the right man and he seldom goes wrong." I believe that is true. If a dad and his son can develop hobbies together or other common interests, the rebellious years can pass in relative tranquility. What they experience may be remembered for a lifetime.

I recall a song, written by Dan Fogelberg, which told about a man who shared his love of music with his elderly father. It is called "Leader of the Band," and its message touches something deep within me. The son talks of a father who "earned his love through discipline, a thundering, velvet hand." The father's "song is in my soul." The son himself has become a "living legacy to the leader of the band."

Can't you see this man going to visit his aged father today, with a lifetime of love passing between them? That must have been what God had in mind when he gave dads to boys.

Let me address your question directly: What common ground are you cultivating with your impressionable son? Some fathers build or repair cars with them; some construct small models or make things in a woodshop. My dad and I hunted and fished together. There is no way to describe what those days meant to me as we entered the woods in the early hours of the morning. How could I get angry at this man who took time to be with me? We had wonderful talks while coming home from a day of laughter and fun in the country. I tried to maintain that kind of contact with my son.

QUESTION: Previously you addressed the use of rewards in influencing kids. Isn't a mother manipulating the child by using rewards and punishment to get him to do what she wants?

DR. DOBSON: No more than a factory supervisor manipulates his employees by docking their pay if they arrive late. No more than a policeman manipulates a speeding driver by giving him a traffic ticket. No more than an insurance company manipulates that same driver by increasing his premium. No more than the IRS manipulates a taxpayer who files his return one day late by charging a penalty for his tardiness. The word manipulation implies a sinister or selfish motive of the one in charge. I don't agree.

QUESTION: When would you not recommend the use of rewards?

DR. DOBSON: Rewards should never be used as a payoff to a child for not disobeying. That becomes a bribe -- a substitute for authority. For example, Mom is having trouble controlling her three-year-old in a supermarket. "Come here, Pamela," she says, but the youngster screams, "No!" and runs the other way. Then in exasperation Mom offers Pam a sucker if she'll come quickly. Rather than rewarding obedience, Mom has actually reinforced the child's defiance.

Another misuse of rewards is to pay a child for doing the routine jobs that are his responsibility as a member of the family. Taking out the trash and making his bed might be included in those regular duties. But when he is asked to spend half his Saturday cleaning the garage or weeding the garden, it seems very appropriate to make it worth his time.

QUESTION: I worry about putting undue emphasis on materialism with my kids. Do rewards have to be in the form of money or toys?

DR. DOBSON: Certainly not. A word of praise is a great enticement to some children. An interesting snack can also get their attention, although that has its downside.

When my daughter was three years of age, I began to teach her some prereading skills, including how to recognize the letters of the alphabet. By planning the training sessions to occur after dinner each evening, bits of chocolate candy provided the chief source of motivation. (I was less concerned about the effects of excess sugar consumption in those days than I am now.) Late one afternoon I was sitting on the floor drilling her on several new letters when a tremendous crash shook the neighborhood. The whole family rushed outside to see what had happened. A teenager had overturned his car on our quiet residential street. He was not badly hurt, but his automobile was a mess. We sprayed the smoldering car with water and called the police. It was not until the excitement passed that we realized our daughter had not followed us out of the house. I returned to the den where I found her elbow-deep in the large bag of candy I had left behind. She must have put a half-pound of chocolate in her mouth, and most of the remainder was distributed around her chin, nose and forehead. When she saw me coming, she managed to jam another handful into her chipmunk cheeks. From this experience, I learned one of the limitations of using material, or at least edible, rewards.

Anything the child wants can be used as a reinforcer, from praise to pizza to playtime.

QUESTION: I really believe in giving children the freedom to do wrong as long as there isn't any danger involved. For example, I let my kids curse and use swear words and don't see any harm in it. Do you agree?