QUESTION: Previously you addressed the use of rewards in influencing kids. Isn't a mother manipulating the child by using rewards and punishment to get him to do what she wants?

DR. DOBSON: No more than a factory supervisor manipulates his employees by docking their pay if they arrive late. No more than a policeman manipulates a speeding driver by giving him a traffic ticket. No more than an insurance company manipulates that same driver by increasing his premium. No more than the IRS manipulates a taxpayer who files his return one day late by charging a penalty for his tardiness. The word manipulation implies a sinister or selfish motive of the one in charge. I don't agree.

QUESTION: When would you not recommend the use of rewards?

DR. DOBSON: Rewards should never be used as a payoff to a child for not disobeying. That becomes a bribe -- a substitute for authority. For example, Mom is having trouble controlling her three-year-old in a supermarket. "Come here, Pamela," she says, but the youngster screams, "No!" and runs the other way. Then in exasperation Mom offers Pam a sucker if she'll come quickly. Rather than rewarding obedience, Mom has actually reinforced the child's defiance.

Another misuse of rewards is to pay a child for doing the routine jobs that are his responsibility as a member of the family. Taking out the trash and making his bed might be included in those regular duties. But when he is asked to spend half his Saturday cleaning the garage or weeding the garden, it seems very appropriate to make it worth his time.

QUESTION: I worry about putting undue emphasis on materialism with my kids. Do rewards have to be in the form of money or toys?

DR. DOBSON: Certainly not. A word of praise is a great enticement to some children. An interesting snack can also get their attention, although that has its downside.

When my daughter was three years of age, I began to teach her some prereading skills, including how to recognize the letters of the alphabet. By planning the training sessions to occur after dinner each evening, bits of chocolate candy provided the chief source of motivation. (I was less concerned about the effects of excess sugar consumption in those days than I am now.) Late one afternoon I was sitting on the floor drilling her on several new letters when a tremendous crash shook the neighborhood. The whole family rushed outside to see what had happened. A teenager had overturned his car on our quiet residential street. He was not badly hurt, but his automobile was a mess. We sprayed the smoldering car with water and called the police. It was not until the excitement passed that we realized our daughter had not followed us out of the house. I returned to the den where I found her elbow-deep in the large bag of candy I had left behind. She must have put a half-pound of chocolate in her mouth, and most of the remainder was distributed around her chin, nose and forehead. When she saw me coming, she managed to jam another handful into her chipmunk cheeks. From this experience, I learned one of the limitations of using material, or at least edible, rewards.

Anything the child wants can be used as a reinforcer, from praise to pizza to playtime.

QUESTION: I really believe in giving children the freedom to do wrong as long as there isn't any danger involved. For example, I let my kids curse and use swear words and don't see any harm in it. Do you agree?

QUESTION: My husband drinks excessively. Aside from getting help for my family, what should I do specifically for him? How on earth am I going to get him to go to Alcoholics Anonymous or some similar treatment program? He is deep in denial, and I'm not even sure he's thinking right now. He couldn't make a rational decision to save his life. How am I going to get him to cooperate?

DR. DOBSON: You're right about the difficulties you face. Begging won't accomplish anything, and your husband will be dead before he admits he has a problem. Indeed, thousands die each year while denying that they are alcoholics. That's why Al-Anon teaches family members how to confront in love. They learn how to remove the support systems that prop up the disease and permit it to thrive. They are shown how and when to impose ultimatums that force the alcoholic to admit his or her need for help. And sometimes they recommend separation until the victim is so miserable that his or her denial will no longer hold up. In essence, Al-Anon teaches its own version of the "love must be tough" philosophy to family members who must implement it.

I asked one recovered alcoholic I know if he was forced to attend Alcoholics Anonymous -- the program that put him on the road to recovery. He said:

"Let me put it this way. No one goes to A.A. just because they've nothing better to do that evening. Everyone there has been forced to attend initially. You just don't say, 'On Monday night we watched a football game, and on Tuesday we went to the movies. So what will we do on Wednesday? How about going over to an A.A. meeting?' It doesn't work that way. Yes -- I was forced -- forced by my own misery. Pauline allowed me to be miserable for my own good. It was loving duress that moved me to attend."

Though it may sound easy to achieve, the loving confrontation that brought Bob to his senses was a delicate maneuver. I must reemphasize that families should not attempt to implement it on their own initiative. Without the training and assistance of professional support groups, the encounter could degenerate into a hateful, vindictive, name-calling battle that would serve only to solidify the drinker's position.

Al-Anon Family Groups and Alcoholics Anonymous are both listed in local phone books. Also to be found there is a number of the Council on Alcoholism, which can provide further guidance. For teenagers of an alcoholic parent, there is Alateen. Teens can go there and share without their parents' permission or knowledge, and it's free.

QUESTION: Children seem to be growing up at a younger age today than in the past. Is this true, and if so, what accounts for their faster development?

DR. DOBSON: Yes, it is true. Statistical records indicate that our children are growing taller today than in the past, probably resulting from better nutrition, medicine, exercise, rest and recreation. And this more ideal physical environment has apparently caused sexual maturity to occur at younger and younger ages. It is thought that puberty in a particular child is triggered when he or she reaches a certain level of growth; therefore, when environmental and general health factors propel a youngster upward at a faster rate, sexual maturation occurs earlier.

QUESTION: I have heard you say that we have shamefully mismanaged the present generation of children. Explain what you meant by that.

DR. DOBSON: I was referring to the many harmful influences that previous generations didn't have to confront -- at least not to the degree that we see today. That includes safe-sex ideology and violence and sexual imagery in movies, rock music and television; it refers to gang activity and drug abuse, and many other dangerous aspects of the culture. I was speaking also about the extreme emphasis on physical attractiveness and body consciousness in Western nations that is having a terrible impact on children. It can even be life-threatening to them.

A study done at the University of California showed that 80 percent of girls in the fourth grade have attempted to diet because they see themselves as fat. One elementary school girl justified her dieting by saying she just wanted to be skinny so that no one would tease her. How sad it is that children in this culture have been taught to hate their bodies -- to measure their worth by comparison to a standard that they can never achieve. At a time when they should be busy being kids, they're worried about how much they weigh, how they look, and how they're seen by others.

For young girls this insistence on being thin is magnified by the cruelties of childhood. Dozens of studies now show that overweight children are held in low regard by their peers, even at an early age. According to one investigation, silhouettes of obese children were described by six-year-olds as "lazy," "stupid" and "ugly."

This overemphasis on beauty does not occur in a vacuum, of course. Our children have caught our prejudices and our system of values. We, too, measure human worth largely on a scale of physical attractiveness. It's bad enough when adults evaluate each other that way. It's tragic when millions of children have already concluded that they're hopelessly flawed, even before life has gotten started.

We must take the blame for the many pressures on today's kids. Fifty years ago, parents and other adults acted in concert to protect kids -- from pornography, from sexual abuse, from harmful ideas and from dangerous substances. Millions of husbands and wives stayed together "for the benefit of the children." It was understood that tender minds and bodies needed to be shielded from that which could hurt them. But now, child abuse, date rape and sexually transmitted disease are rampant. As the family unravels and as adults become more self-centered and preoccupied, children are often left to fend for themselves in a very dangerous world. It may be our greatest failing as a people.

QUESTION: I find I'm more likely to say no to my children than to say yes, even when I don't feel strongly about the permission they are seeking. I wonder why I automatically respond so negatively.

DR. DOBSON: It is easy to fall into the habit of saying no to our kids.

"No, you can't go outside."

"No, you can't have a cookie."

"No, you can't use the telephone."

"No, you can't spend the night with a friend."

We could have answered affirmatively to all of these requests, but we chose almost automatically to respond in the negative. Why? Because we didn't take time to stop and think about the consequences; because the activity could cause us more work or strain; because there could be danger in the request; because our children ask for a thousand favors a day and we find it convenient to refuse them all.