QUESTION: I have heard you say that we have shamefully mismanaged the present generation of children. Explain what you meant by that.

DR. DOBSON: I was referring to the many harmful influences that previous generations didn't have to confront -- at least not to the degree that we see today. That includes safe-sex ideology and violence and sexual imagery in movies, rock music and television; it refers to gang activity and drug abuse, and many other dangerous aspects of the culture. I was speaking also about the extreme emphasis on physical attractiveness and body consciousness in Western nations that is having a terrible impact on children. It can even be life-threatening to them.

A study done at the University of California showed that 80 percent of girls in the fourth grade have attempted to diet because they see themselves as fat. One elementary school girl justified her dieting by saying she just wanted to be skinny so that no one would tease her. How sad it is that children in this culture have been taught to hate their bodies -- to measure their worth by comparison to a standard that they can never achieve. At a time when they should be busy being kids, they're worried about how much they weigh, how they look, and how they're seen by others.

For young girls this insistence on being thin is magnified by the cruelties of childhood. Dozens of studies now show that overweight children are held in low regard by their peers, even at an early age. According to one investigation, silhouettes of obese children were described by six-year-olds as "lazy," "stupid" and "ugly."

This overemphasis on beauty does not occur in a vacuum, of course. Our children have caught our prejudices and our system of values. We, too, measure human worth largely on a scale of physical attractiveness. It's bad enough when adults evaluate each other that way. It's tragic when millions of children have already concluded that they're hopelessly flawed, even before life has gotten started.

We must take the blame for the many pressures on today's kids. Fifty years ago, parents and other adults acted in concert to protect kids -- from pornography, from sexual abuse, from harmful ideas and from dangerous substances. Millions of husbands and wives stayed together "for the benefit of the children." It was understood that tender minds and bodies needed to be shielded from that which could hurt them. But now, child abuse, date rape and sexually transmitted disease are rampant. As the family unravels and as adults become more self-centered and preoccupied, children are often left to fend for themselves in a very dangerous world. It may be our greatest failing as a people.

QUESTION: I find I'm more likely to say no to my children than to say yes, even when I don't feel strongly about the permission they are seeking. I wonder why I automatically respond so negatively.

DR. DOBSON: It is easy to fall into the habit of saying no to our kids.

"No, you can't go outside."

"No, you can't have a cookie."

"No, you can't use the telephone."

"No, you can't spend the night with a friend."

We could have answered affirmatively to all of these requests, but we chose almost automatically to respond in the negative. Why? Because we didn't take time to stop and think about the consequences; because the activity could cause us more work or strain; because there could be danger in the request; because our children ask for a thousand favors a day and we find it convenient to refuse them all.

QUESTION: Should a parent try to force a child to eat?

DR. DOBSON: No. In fact, the dinner table is one potential battlefield where a parent can easily get ambushed. You can't win there! A strong-willed child is like a good military general who constantly seeks an advantageous place to take on the enemy. He need look no farther than the dinner table. Of all the common points of conflict between generations -- bedtime, hair, clothes, schoolwork, etc. -- the advantages in a food fight are all in the child's favor! Three times a day, a very tiny youngster can simply refuse to open his mouth. No amount of coercing can make him eat what he doesn't want to eat.

I remember one three-year-old who was determined not to eat his green peas, despite the insistence of his father that the squishy little vegetables were going down. It was a classic confrontation between the irresistible force and an immovable object. Neither would yield. After an hour of haranguing, threatening, cajoling and sweating, the father had not achieved his goal. The tearful toddler sat with a forkload of peas pointed ominously at his sealed lips.

Finally, through sheer intimidation, the dad managed to get one bite of peas in place. But the lad wouldn't swallow them. I don't know everything that went on afterward, but the mother told me they had no choice but to put the child to bed with the peas still in his mouth. They were amazed at the strength of his will.

The next morning, the mother found a little pile of mushy peas where they had been expelled at the foot of the bed! Score one for Junior, none for Dad. Tell me in what other arena a thirty-pound child could whip a grown man!

Not every toddler is this tough, of course. But many of them will gladly do battle over food. It is their ideal power game. Talk to any experienced parent or grandparent and they will tell you this is true. The sad thing is that these conflicts are unnecessary. Children will eat as much as they need if you keep them from indulging in the wrong stuff. They will not starve. I promise!

The way to deal with a poor eater is to set good food before him. If he claims to not be hungry, wrap the plate, put it in the refrigerator and send him cheerfully on his way. He'll be back in a few hours. God has put a funny little feeling in his tummy that says, "Gimme food!" When this occurs, do not put sweets, snacks or confectionery food in front of him. Simply retrieve the earlier meal, warm it up, and serve it again. If he protests, send him out to play again. Even if twelve hours or more go by, continue this procedure until food -- all food -- begins to look and smell wonderful. From that time forward, the battle over the dinner table should be history.

QUESTION: Does the middle child really have greater adaptive problems than his or her siblings?

QUESTION: You have described the "trapped" feeling that causes some people to withdraw from their spouses. I think that applies to my wife, who has been strangely distant from me in recent years. Can you tell me more about what such a person might be thinking?

DR. DOBSON: The feeling of entrapment begins with disrespect for a partner. For example, a man may think these kinds of thoughts about his wife: Look at Joan. She used to be rather pretty. Now with those fifteen extra pounds she doesn't even attract me anymore. Her lack of discipline bothers me in other areas, too -- the house is always in a mess and she seems totally disorganized. I made an enormous mistake back there in my youth when I decided to marry her. Now I have to spend the rest of my life -- can you believe it? -- all the years I have left -- tied up with someone I'm disinterested in. Oh, I know Joanie is a good woman, and I wouldn't hurt her for anything, but man! Is this what they call living?

Or Joanie may be doing some thinking of her own: Michael, Michael, how different you are than I first thought you to be. You seemed so exciting and energetic in those early days. How did you get to be such a bore? You work far too much and are so tired when you come home. I can't even get you to talk to me, much less sweep me into ecstasy.

Look at him, sleeping on the couch with his mouth hanging open. I wish his hair wasn't falling out. Am I really going to invest my entire lifetime in this aging man? Our friends don't respect him anymore, and he hasn't received a promotion at the plant for more than five years. He's going nowhere, and he's taking me with him!

If Joanie and Michael are both thinking these entrapment thoughts, it is obvious that their future together is in serious jeopardy. But the typical situation is unilateral, as in your marriage. One partner (of either gender) begins to chafe at the bit without revealing to the other how his or her attitude has changed. A reasonably compassionate person simply does not disclose these disturbing rumblings to someone who loves him or her. Instead, a person's behavior begins to evolve in inexplicable ways.

He may increase the frequency of his evening business meetings -- anything to be away from home more often. He may become irritable or "deep in thought" or otherwise noncommunicative. He may retreat into televised sports or fishing trips or poker with the boys. He may provoke continuous fights over insignificant issues. And of course, he may move out or find someone younger to play with. A woman who feels trapped will reveal her disenchantment in similar indirect ways.

To summarize, the trapped feeling is a consequence of two factors: Disrespect for the spouse and the wish for an excuse to get away.

QUESTION: When do children begin to develop a sexual nature? Does this occur suddenly during puberty?

DR. DOBSON: No, it occurs long before puberty. Perhaps the most important concept suggested by Freud was his observation that children are not asexual. He stated that sexual gratification begins in the cradle and is first associated with feeding. Behavior during childhood is influenced considerably by sexual curiosity and interest, although the happy hormones do not take full charge until early adolescence. Thus, it is not uncommon for a four-year-old to be interested in nudity and the sexual apparatus of the opposite sex.