QUESTION: Do childhood traumas inevitably twist and warp a person in the adult years?

DR. DOBSON: No. It is well known that difficult childhoods leave some people wounded and disadvantaged, but for others, they fuel great achievement and success. The difference appears to be a function of individual temperaments and resourcefulness.

In a classic study called "Cradles of Eminence," Victor and Mildred Goertzel investigated the home backgrounds of three hundred highly successful people. The researchers sought to identify the early experiences that may have contributed to remarkable achievement. All of the subjects were well known for their accomplishments; they included Einstein, Freud, Churchill and many others.

The backgrounds of these people proved very interesting. Three-fourths of them came from troubled childhoods, enduring poverty, broken homes or parental abuse. One-fourth had physical handicaps. Most of those who became writers and playwrights had watched their own parents embroiled in psychological dramas of one sort or another. The researchers concluded that the need to compensate for disadvantages was a major factor in the drive toward personal achievement.

One of the best illustrations of this phenomenon is seen in the life of Eleanor Roosevelt, a former first lady. Being orphaned at ten, she underwent a childhood of utter anguish. She was very homely and never felt she really belonged to anybody. According to Victor Wilson, Newhouse News Service, "She was a rather humorless introvert, a young woman unbelievably shy, unable to overcome her personal insecurity and with a conviction of her own inadequacy." The world knows, however, that Mrs. Roosevelt rose above her emotional shackles. As Wilson said,"...From some inner wellspring, Mrs. Roosevelt summoned a tough, unyielding courage, tempered by remarkable self-control and self-discipline..." That "inner wellspring" has another appropriate name: compensation!

Obviously, one's attitude toward a handicap determines its impact on one's life. It has become popular to blame adverse circumstances for irresponsible behavior (e.g., poverty causes crime, broken homes produce juvenile delinquents, a sick society imposes drug addiction on its youth). There is some truth in this assumption, since people in those difficult circumstances are more likely to behave in destructive ways. But they are not forced to do so. To say that adverse conditions cause irresponsible behavior is to remove all responsibility from the shoulders of the individual. The excuse is hollow. We must each decide what we will do with inner doubt and outer hardship.

The application to an individual family should be obvious. If a child has gone through a traumatic experience or is physically disadvantaged, his or her parents need not give up hope. They should identify his or her strengths and natural abilities, which can be used to overcome the hurdle. The problem that seems so formidable today may become the inspiration for greatness tomorrow.

QUESTION: We have a five-year-old son who has been diagnosed with ADHD. He is really difficult to handle, and I have no idea how to manage him. I know he has a neurological problem; I don't feel right about making him obey like we do our other children. It is a big problem for us. What do you suggest?

QUESTION: My children are still young, and they are doing fine now, but I worry a lot about the adolescent years that lie ahead. I've seen other parents go through some pretty terrible things when their teenagers began to rebel. How can I help my sons avoid that turmoil ten years from now?

DR. DOBSON: The apprehension that you describe is well-founded, and many parents feel something similar today. The most important suggestion I can make is for you to redouble your efforts to build good relationships with your kids while they are young. That is the key to surviving the adolescent years. If they emerge from childhood with doubts about whether you really love and care for them, anything is possible during the turbulent teens. Boundaries, restrictions and threats will be no match for adolescent anger, frustration and resentment. As author Josh McDowell said, "Rules without relationship lead to rebellion." He is right. That's why parents can't afford to get preoccupied with business and other pursuits that interfere with the task of raising children. Kids are young for such a brief period. During that window of opportunity, they must be given priority.

Once you've done what you can to lay the proper foundation, I urge you to approach your parenting duties with confidence. Anxiety about the future is risky in itself. It can make parents tentative and insecure in dealing with their youngsters. They don't dare cross them or deny their wishes for fear of being hated in the teen years. Teenagers pick up those vibes intuitively, which often generates disrespect in return. Don't make that mistake. You have been placed in a position of authority over your young children. Lead them with confidence and care.

QUESTION: If it is natural for a toddler to break all the rules, should he be disciplined for routine misbehavior?

DR. DOBSON: Toddlers get into trouble most frequently because of their natural desire to touch, bite, taste, smell and break everything within their grasp. These are normal and healthy reactions that should not be inhibited. When, then, should they be subjected to mild discipline? When they openly defy their parents' very clear commands! When he runs the other way when called, purposely slams his milk glass on the floor, dashes into the street when being told to stop, screams and throws a tantrum at bedtime, or hits his friends. These behavior patterns should be discouraged. Even in these situations, however, severe punishment is unwarranted. A firm rap on the fingers or a few minutes sitting on a chair will usually convey the same message as convincingly. Spankings should be reserved for a child's moments of greatest antagonism, usually occurring after the second, third or fourth birthdays.

Question: What causes a child to wet the bed? Our five-year-old soaks his sheets nearly every night, which drives me crazy.

Dr. Dobson: There are about five to seven million kids in the United States who wet the bed nightly. They are a misunderstood lot. Many of their parents believe that their bed-wetting is deliberate and that it can be eliminated by punishment. Others think these kids are just too lazy to go to the bathroom. These are wrong and unfortunate notions.

Bed-wetting is often caused by medical factors, such as a small bladder, physical immaturity or other physical conditions. That's why you should begin by consulting a pediatrician or a urologist when bed-wetting starts. Many of the kids can be helped or cured by medication.

For other boys and girls, the problem is emotional in origin. Any change in the psychological environment of the home may produce midnight moisture. During summer camps conducted for young children, the directors routinely put plastic mattress covers on the beds of all the little visitors. The anxiety associated with being away from home apparently creates a high probability of bed-wetting during the first few nights, and it is particularly risky to be sleeping on the lower level of bunk beds!

There is a third factor that I feel is a frequent cause of enuresis. During children's toddler years, they wet the bed simply because they are too immature to maintain nighttime bladder control. Some parents, in an effort to head off another episode, begin getting these kids up at night to go to the potty. The youngster is still sound asleep, but he or she is told to "go tinkle," or whatever. After this conditioning has been established, the child who needs to urinate at night dreams of being told to "go." Particularly when jostled or disturbed at night, the child can believe he or she is being ushered to the bathroom. I would recommend that parents of older bed wetters stop getting them up at night, even if the behavior continues for a while.

Question: I get so mad at my kid for wetting the bed. Every morning I have to strip and wash his bedding and pajamas. I told him last week that I would spank him if it happened again. Do you think that will help?

Dr. Dobson: Most certainly not! Unless your child's bed-wetting is an act of defiance occurring after he is awake, which I doubt, his enuresis is an involuntary act for which he is not responsible. Punishment under those circumstances is dangerous and unfair. Your son is humiliated by waking up wet anyway, and the older he gets, the more foolish he will feel about it.

The bed wetter needs reassurance and patience from parents, and they should be there for him or her. They would be wise to try to conceal the embarrassing problem from those who would laugh at him. Even good-natured humor within the family, associated with bed-wetting, is often very painful.

Question: Aside from medical help, what suggestions do you have for dealing with enuresis?

Dr. Dobson: There are other remedies that sometimes work, such as electronic devices that ring a bell and awaken the child when the urine completes an electrical circuit. This conditions a child to associate the feeling of needing to urinate with the bell that awakens him. I have seen some dramatic success stories where "hard-core" bed wetters were cured within a few weeks using such a device. Trying it certainly can't hurt.