QUESTION: I've always thought a man should be willing to work and sacrifice to reach his goals. I've heard you say cool the passion and postpone the dream. That isn't the way I was taught.

DR. DOBSON: There's nothing wrong with having a passion and a dream. It should, however, be kept in balance with other valuable components of your life -- your family and your relationship with God being chief among them.

Let me illustrate that need to keep the various components of our lives in perspective. I read an article in the Los Angeles Times about a man named J.R. Buffington. His goal in life was to produce lemons of record-breaking size from the tree in his backyard. He came up with a formula to do just that. He fertilized the tree with ashes from the fireplace, some rabbit-goat manure, a few rusty nails and plenty of water. That spring, the scrawny little tree produced two gigantic lemons, one weighing over five pounds. But every other lemon on the tree was shriveled and misshapen. Mr. Buffington is still working on his formula.

Isn't that the way it is in life? Great investments in a particular endeavor tend to rob others of their potential. I'd rather have a tree covered with juicy lemons than a record-breaking but freakish crop, wouldn't you? Balance is the word. It is the key to successful living ... and parenting.

Husbands and wives who fill their lives with never-ending volumes of work are too exhausted to take walks together, to share their deeper feelings, to understand and meet each other's needs. This breathless pace predominates in millions of households, leaving every member of the family frazzled and irritable. Husbands are moonlighting to bring home more money. Wives are on their own busy career track. Their children are often ignored, and life goes speeding by in a deadly routine. Even some grandparents are too busy to keep the grandkids. I see this kind of overcommitment as the quickest route to the destruction of the family. And there simply must be a better way.

Some friends of mine recently sold their house and moved into a smaller and less expensive place just so they could lower their payments and reduce the hours required in the workplace. That kind of downward mobility is almost unheard of today -- it's almost un-American. But when we reach the end of our lives and we look back on the things that mattered most, those precious relationships with people we love will rank at the top of the list.

If friends and family will be a treasure to us then, why not live like we believe it today? That may be the best advice I have ever given anyone -- and the most difficult to implement.

So keep your dream and your passion. Work hard to achieve the success you crave. But don't let it become a five-pound lemon that destroys the rest of your crop. You'll regret it if you do!

QUESTION: What are the most common causes of depression in women?

DR. DOBSON: I asked that question of more than ten thousand women who completed a questionnaire entitled, "Sources of Depression in Women." The most frequently reported concern was low self-esteem. More than 50 percent of an initial test group placed this problem at the top of the list, and 80 percent put it in the top five.

QUESTION: I've heard that ADHD is controversial and that it may not even exist. You obviously disagree and believe that ADHD does exist.

DR. DOBSON: Yes, I disagree, although the disorder has become faddish and tends to be overdiagnosed. But when a child actually has this problem, I assure you that his or her parents and teachers don't have to be convinced.

QUESTION: My marriage to my husband has been a very unsatisfying thing for me. I would divorce him if it were not for my concern for our three children. What does the research say about the impact of divorce on kids?

DR. DOBSON: It's now known that emotional development in children is directly related to the presence of warm, nurturing, sustained and continuous interaction with both parents. Anything that interferes with the vital relationship with either mother or father can have lasting consequences for the child.

One landmark study revealed that 90 percent of children from divorced homes suffered from an acute sense of shock when the separation occurred, including profound grieving and irrational fears. Fifty percent reported feeling rejected and abandoned, and indeed, half of the fathers never came to see their children three years after the divorce. One-third of the boys and girls feared abandonment by the remaining parent, and 66 percent experienced yearning for the absent parent with an intensity that researchers described as overwhelming. Most significant, 37 percent of the children were even more unhappy and dissatisfied five years after the divorce than they had been at 18 months. In other words, time did not heal their wounds.

That's the real meaning of divorce. It is certainly what I think about, with righteous indignation, when I see infidelity and marital deceit portrayed on television as some kind of exciting game for two.

The bottom line is that you are right to consider the welfare of your children in deciding whether or not to seek a divorce. As empty as the marital relationship continues to be for you, it is likely, from what I know of your circumstances, that your kids will fare better if you choose to stick it out.

QUESTION: My children are still in elementary school, and I want to avoid adolescent rebellion in the future if I can. What can you tell me to help me get ready for this scary time?

DR. DOBSON: I can understand why you look toward the adolescent years with some apprehension. This is a tough time to raise kids. Many youngsters sail right through that period with no unusual stresses and problems, but others get caught in a pattern of rebellion that disrupts families and scares their moms and dads to death. I've spent several decades trying to understand that phenomenon and how to prevent it. The encouraging thing is that the most rebellious teens usually grow up to be responsible and stable adults who can't remember why they were so angry in earlier days.

I once devoted a radio program to a panel of formerly rebellious teens that included three successful ministers, Rev. Raul Ries, Pastor Mike MacIntosh, and Rev. Franklin Graham, son of Dr. Billy and Ruth Graham. Each of them had been a difficult adolescent who gave his parents fits. With the exception of Raul, who had been abused at home, the other two couldn't recall what motivated their misbehavior or why they didn't just go along and get along. That is often the way with adolescence. It's like a tornado that drops unexpectedly out of a dark sky, tyrannizes a family, shakes up the community, and then blows on by. Then the sun comes out and spreads its warmth again.

QUESTION: Last week you answered a question from my girlfriend. I'm the boyfriend who doesn't talk very much. I've been that way all of my life. Part of the problem is that I just don't like to reveal what I'm feeling. But also, I don't know how to talk to people. I get really uncomfortable when I'm with people and I'm expected to say things. Can you give me some hints about how to express myself?

DR. DOBSON: It might help you to understand the basics of good conversation. Let me ask you to imagine that the two of us are facing each other about eight feet apart. You have four tennis balls in your hands, and you toss one of them to me. Instead of throwing the ball back, however, I hold it and wait for you to toss another to me. Eventually all four balls are in my hands. We stand there looking at each other awkwardly and wondering what to do next. The game is over.

Good conversation is something like that game of catch. One person throws an idea or a comment to the other, and he or she then tosses it back. But if that second person doesn't return it, the game ends. Both players feel awkward and wish they could be somewhere else. Let me illustrate further.

Suppose I say to my son when he comes home in the afternoon, "How did it go in school today?" If he answers, "Fine," he has caught the ball and held it. We have nothing more to say to each other unless I can come up with another comment -- another "ball" to throw to him.

But if my son says, "I had a good day because I got an A on my history test," he has caught the ball and thrown it back. I can then ask, "Was it a difficult test?" or "Did you study hard for it?" or "I'll bet you're proud of yourself."

If my son replies, "Yes," he has wrecked the game again. To keep the conversation going, he needs to throw back something of substance, such as "It was a tough examination, but it was fair." Then our "game" can continue.

I hope you see that the art of talking to people is really very simple. It's just a matter of throwing the conversational ball back and forth.

As for your relationship with a future wife, it won't be enough to just throw the ball back to her. She's going to want you to be more intimate than that. She'll need to know how you feel about her, what you dream about, things that upset you, what you'd like her to do, how you feel about God, etc. You can learn to put these thoughts into words, even though you will probably never be a big talker. I suggest that you push yourself in this direction rather than saying, "That's just how I am." Your wife will probably have to make some changes to accommodate you, too.

That's what a good marriage is all about.

QUESTION: I've been aware of my husband's unfaithfulness for some time now. I've taken him to task for it, which has resulted in some incredible, horrible battles. I have even made demands that he stop his infidelity, yet no change in his attitude and behavior has happened. What am I doing wrong?