QUESTION: My boyfriend doesn't talk to me very much. He's just a very quiet and shy person. Will he always be this way? I just wish he'd tell me what he's thinking and feeling.

DR. DOBSON: Your question reminds me of the twelve-year-old boy who had never spoken a word. His parents and siblings thought he couldn't talk because they'd never heard his voice. Then one day the boy's mother placed some soup in front of him, and he ate a spoonful. Then he pushed the bowl away and said, "This is slop, and I won't eat any more of it!"

The family was ecstatic. He'd actually spoken a complete sentence. They all jumped around gleefully, and his father said, "Why haven't you ever talked to us before?"

The boy replied, "Because up until now everything has been OK."

Maybe your boyfriend will surprise you one day with a flurry of words, but I doubt it. Shyness and an introverted personality result primarily from an inborn temperament that tends to be very persistent throughout life. Research shows that approximately 15 percent of children are genetically programmed to be somewhat introverted like your friend and that most of them will always be that way. It appears that some people just seem to be born "noisy," and others prefer to keep their thoughts to themselves. Your boyfriend may be one of the latter.

If you choose to marry him, I hope you'll do so with your eyes wide open. You're probably not going to change him. Many women fall in love with the strong, silent type and then resent their men for the rest of their lives because they won't talk to them. It is a very common source of frustration among women. But that's the way it is.

QUESTION: I'm in my early 20s and trying to figure out a career path and general direction for my life. What do you suggest for a person like me? How can I get my rocket to lift off the pad?

DR. DOBSON: First, you need information. You might begin by going to an occupational psychologist or another knowledgeable counselor who can assess your skills and interests. There are excellent psychometric tests available today that will acquaint you with your own abilities. Computers will analyze your responses and correlate them with those of people who are successful and contented in given professions. You might be surprised at what you can learn about yourself from an occupational inventory.

Second, you should begin an energetic exploration of eight or ten occupations that you might find exciting. Visit people who are working in those fields, and ask them for advice and counsel. Attack this problem like a private investigator who is determined to unravel a mystery. Leave no stone unturned.

Third, when you've identified the area of greatest interest, commit to it. Beyond that point there's no looking back. Even if there might be a more attractive goal out there somewhere, there comes a point where you have to get on with life. Take your best shot and stay with it until you have a more secure and certain alternative to chase.

Finally, remember that the Lord is mindful of your decision too. What you do with your life is important to Him because He cares about you. Lean heavily on prayer and godly counsel as you zero in on a choice. There is no other way to make any decision that is of critical significance. The psalmist wrote, "Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain." (Psalm 137:1, NIV)

Question: Last time you talked about why some kids with every advantage and opportunity seem to turn out bad, while others raised in terrible homes become pillars in the community. You cited the life of David Hernandez as an example of the latter. What happened to him?

DR. DOBSON: Given this beginning, how can we explain the man that David Hernandez became? He graduated near the top of his class in high school and was granted a scholarship to college. Again, he earned high marks and four years later entered Loma Linda University School of Medicine. Once more, he scored in the top 10 percent of his class and continued in a residency in obstetrics and gynecology. Eventually, he served as a professor of OB-GYN at both Loma Linda University and the University of Southern California medical schools. Then, at the peak of his career, his life began to unravel.

I'll never forget the day Dr. Hernandez called me on the telephone. He had just been released from the hospital following a battery of laboratory tests. The diagnosis? Sclerosing cholangitis, a liver disorder that was invariably fatal at that time. We lost this fine husband, father and friend six years later at the age of forty-three. I loved him like a brother, and I still miss him today.

Again, I ask, how could such discipline and genius come from these infertile circumstances? Who would have thought that this deprived Mexican boy sitting out there in the dirt would someday become one of the most loved and respected surgeons of his era? Where did the motivation originate? From what bubbling spring did his ambition and thirst for knowledge flow? He had no books, took no educational trips, knew no scholars. Yet he reached for the sky. Why did it happen to David Hernandez and not the youngster with every advantage and opportunity?

Why have so many children of prominent and loving parents grown up in ideal circumstances only to reject it all for the streets of Atlanta, San Francisco or New York? Good answers are simply not available. It apparently comes down to this: God chooses to use individuals in unique ways. Beyond that mysterious relationship, we must simply conclude that some kids seem born to make it and others are determined to fail. Someone reminded me recently that the same boiling water that softens the carrot also hardens the egg. Likewise, some individuals react positively to certain circumstances and others negatively. We don't know why.

Two things are clear to me from this understanding. First, parents have been far too quick to take the credit or blame for the way their children turn out. Those with bright young superstars stick out their chests and say, "Look what we accomplished." Those with twisted and irresponsible kids wonder, "Where did we go wrong?" Well, neither is entirely accurate. No one would deny that parents play an important role in the development and training of their children. But they are only part of the formula from which a young adult is assembled.

QUESTION: Tell me why some kids with every advantage and opportunity seem to turn out bad, while others raised in terrible homes become pillars in the community. I know one young man who grew up in squalid circumstances, yet he is such a fine person today. How did his parents manage to raise such a responsible son when they didn't even seem to care?

DR. DOBSON: Neither heredity nor environment will account for all human behavior. There is something else there -- something from within -- that also operates to make us who we are. Some behavior is caused, and some plainly isn't.

Several years ago, for example, I had dinner with two parents who had unofficially "adopted" a thirteen-year-old boy. This youngster followed their son home one afternoon and asked if he could spend the night. As it turned out, he stayed with them for almost a week without so much as a phone call coming from his mother. It was later learned that she works sixteen hours a day and has no interest in her son. Her alcoholic husband divorced her several years ago and left town without a trace. The boy had been abused, unloved and ignored through much of his life.

Given this background, what kind of kid do you think he is today -- a druggie? A foul-mouthed delinquent? A lazy, insolent bum? No. He is polite to adults; he is a hard worker; he makes good grades in school and enjoys helping around the house. This boy is like a lost puppy who desperately wants a good home. He begged the family to adopt him officially so he could have a real father and a loving mother. His own mom couldn't care less.

How could this teenager be so well-disciplined and polished despite his lack of training? I don't know. It is simply within him. He reminds me of my wonderful friend David Hernandez. David and his parents came to America illegally from Mexico more than fifty years ago and nearly starved to death before they found work. They eventually survived by helping to harvest the potato crop throughout the state of California. During this era, David lived under trees or in the open fields. His father made a stove out of an oil drum half-filled with dirt. The open campfire was the centerpiece of their home.

David never had a roof over his head until his parents finally moved into an abandoned chicken coop. His mother covered the boarded walls with cheap wallpaper, and David thought they were living in luxury. Then one day, the city of San Jose condemned the area, and David's "house" was torn down. He couldn't understand why the community would destroy so fine a place.

We'll talk more about David's story next time.

QUESTION: Should a college-educated woman feel that she has wasted her training if she chooses not to use it professionally? I mean, why should I bother to go through school to be a professional if I'm going to wind up raising kids and being a full-time homemaker?