Q: Over the holidays, my sister shocked me by saying, "Your daughter doesn't show respect because you don't respect her." It's hard when she and her friends are snarky and so into themselves. How do you teach a fifth-grader respect?

A: By modeling respect daily, says Dr. Jane Bluestein, a New Mexico educator and parenting coach.

"A respectful person practices the golden rule: treating others as they wish to be treated," she says.

Bluestein says that while it's important to teach the concept of respect, your sister has a point.

"Kids learn respect when we show them what it looks like," she says.

If your daughter behaves in a way that feels disrespectful, set a boundary and ask for the behavior you want instead, Bluestein advises.

"Saying 'Let's continue this conversation when you are willing to do so without yelling' is far more instructive than labeling the behavior as disrespectful," she says.

Bluestein, author of "The Parent's Little Book of Lists: Do's and Don'ts of Effective Parenting" (Health Communications Inc., 1997), suggests the following strategies:

-- Use language, words and tone of voice that would be acceptable to you if your daughter were speaking to you.

-- Model "please" and "thank you." If someone says, "Thank you," say, "You're welcome." Don't say, "Hey, no problem!"

-- Make eye contact when your daughter is talking to you. Listen. Make an effort to really hear and appreciate what she is saying.

-- Value her need for privacy. Knock before entering her room. Don't open her mail or email; don't listen in on her phone conversations; don't hover on her social media accounts. (Exceptions are prior agreements in which your daughter knows her communications might be monitored or instances in which her safety might be threatened.)

-- Give your daughter space to have different opinions and preferences than you or other family members.

-- Ask your daughter before using or borrowing something of hers.

-- Respect her need for competence and autonomy. Help her explore options and potential outcomes, rather than solving her problems. If your daughter is struggling with something and is in no danger of getting hurt, hurting anyone or ruining something valuable, ask her if she wants help before you step in to fix the problem.

-- Allow her to respond to situations differently than you would without criticizing, shaming or ridiculing her.

-- Call her what she wishes to be called. Resist names or nicknames that embarrass her or that she feels she has outgrown.

-- Introduce your daughter when you encounter someone who hasn't met her. When you meet a grown-up friend with a child along, say hello to the child as well as the adult.

-- If you witness her or her peers behaving disrespectfully to others, give them a reminder by saying, "We don't use those words." Or you might say, "Let's try this again without the attitude." This gives her important feedback.

Respect is one of the six pillars (along with trustworthiness, responsibility, fairness, caring and citizenship) of the popular "Character Counts" program adopted by many schools and youth organizations. To find who's using it in your community, go to charactercounts.org.

(Do you have a question about your child's education? Email it to Leanna@aplusadvice.com. Leanna Landsmann is an education writer who began her career as a classroom teacher. She has served on education commissions, visited classrooms in 49 states to observe best practices, and founded Principal for a Day in New York City.)

Q: My 13-year-old daughter can't hold a conversation. She and her friends text each other -- even while together! I want her to talk with family and friends. She's not shy; she just comes off as detached. How can I teach her the art of conversation?

A: "Knowing how to have a meaningful conversation is an important life skill," says Dr. Allen Mendler, a nationally respected expert on motivating learners and the author of "When Teaching Gets Tough" (ASCD, 2012). "Parents should take an active role in developing kids' oral language skills. Your daughter may moan and groan, but don't give up."

Mendler suggests the following strategies:

-- Model good conversation. Conversation is a volley of thoughts and opinions that help us get to know, appreciate and respect one another. You model conversation by exchanging views, not by checking your email when your spouse asks your opinion.

To practice, "Try one- to two-minute interactions, one-on-one, a few times each week with your daughter unrelated to behavior, tasks or homework," suggests Mendler. "Share something about yourself she might not know, or ask her opinion on a topic. Use responses or prompts that enhance conversation, such as, 'Really? Tell me more. Why do you think that happened? No kidding!'"

-- Set aside "no electronics" family time. Schedule a distraction-free environment with turned-off phones, such as a regular family mealtime. "Ask everyone to share something about the day -- a highlight, problem, something they learned, something fun or a way they made somebody's life better," says Mendler. "If there is initial silence, wait 15 seconds and then share something about yourself. Model good listening by summarizing what each person said. Eventually, expect other family members to do this."

-- Challenge her. If she and her friends hang out without interacting, bet them five dollars they can't have a conversation for five minutes. "Tell them a conversation means you talk and then ask a question that shows you might be interested in what someone has to say," says Mendler. "Teach them the SLANTS rule: Smile. Listen. Answer or ask questions. Nod to show interest. Track the speaker. Share something back."

If no one begins, you start. For example, say, "What can we do that's fun but doesn't cost a lot?" and talk for one minute. End by saying, "So those are things I like to do that are inexpensive. What are some things you like to do?"

Another twist is to bring up what 13-year-old girls are interested in -- such as boys, music or fashion -- then pretend you are clueless: "I don't get it. A hundred years ago, when I was 13, I couldn't stop talking to friends about boys and our favorite music. All you girls do is fiddle with your phones. What am I missing? Just out of curiosity, who's the cutest guy at school? Who's the smartest? Why?"

If nobody engages, talk about guys you knew when you were 13. When your daughter expresses horror ("Oh, Mom!") that you once thought a guy was cute, you'll have started a good conversation!

(Do you have a question about your child's education? Email it to Leanna@aplusadvice.com. Leanna Landsmann is an education writer who began her career as a classroom teacher. She has served on education commissions, visited classrooms in 49 states to observe best practices, and founded Principal for a Day in New York City.)

Q: My New Year's resolution is to help my boys, ages 8 and 10, find the fun in learning. Tests have teachers so stressed that they're passing the worry to kids. What can parents do to help kids keep their chins up and enjoy school?

A: Kids should not see each school day as an endless series of tests, trials and new material. Try these tips from one of the nation's top parent coaches, Maryland educator and retired principal Shirley Harden.

-- Create a "Proud Parent" gallery. Find a spot to showcase your boys' school work, art, family photos and cartoons. One Texas mom turned her kitchen wall into a combined bulletin board/chalkboard. She says it "serves as our center for scheduling, homework checking, posting kids' work, new words and fun facts.

"The wall sends a message: Our family time is important. Your school work matters. We all enjoy learning something new each day."

-- Reflect and take stock. Kids live very much in the now. A perceived slight or a poor test grade can take on meaning that is disproportionate to its significance and ruin an otherwise good day. Adults must help kids learn to step back and gain perspective.

Take time each day to talk about school. Draw out worries and reinforce positives with questions: "What surprised you today in school?" "What did you do you were proud of today?"

Help kids see their progress. "If one son is learning to manage anger," says Harden, "compliment him by saying, 'I like the way you handled that problem. It was much more mature than your response in November.'"

Always celebrate the end of a testing week or a marking period. Go to a movie; make a favorite meal. Show kids that steady effort over the long haul leads to good results.

-- Connect school with success in life. "It's important for student to link success in school with having a fulfilled life," says Harden. "Point out these connections. If you're at the dentist with your boys, point to the diplomas and ask the doctor what she had to study to become a dentist. If you see a program about an astronaut fixing the International Space Station, Google the astronaut to learn how he became a scientist. On weekends, visit places that will spark kids' imaginations (museums, zoos, nature trails, planetariums), and make the link between school and cool careers. It's never too early to talk about the path to college."

-- Boost kids' mental energy. In today's overscheduled world, kids often arrive at school drained by the stress of getting there. Make key decisions the night before. With younger children, lay out their clothes; gather their backpacks, books and assignments; decide if the kids are buying or taking lunch. With teens, double check the daily planner and homework. Schedule a nightly wind-down time just before bed. Discuss concerns so no one goes to sleep with a worry list.

-- Each morning tell your boys: "I love you and I know you'll do well today. You'll learn something new and you'll tell me about it tonight."

(Do you have a question about your child's education? Email it to Leanna@aplusadvice.com. Leanna Landsmann is an education writer who began her career as a classroom teacher. She has served on education commissions, visited classrooms in 49 states to observe best practices, and founded Principal for a Day in New York City.)