Q: We're looking for a preschool for our 3-year-old, Leon. My sister says, "Preschool is the new kindergarten, so prepare him for structure." Leon can hardly sit still! How can we find one that doesn't push him too fast?

A: While some preschools have a stronger academic focus than a decade ago, you can still find programs that match the preschool experience to a child's developmental level.

The educators who direct these programs know that the best starting point is where the child is, not what's in a workbook. Most 3-year-olds need to explore and play; they need time to wiggle, build, sing and shout.

David Elkind, a Tufts University child development expert, says too many preschools today hurry children with inappropriate expectations.

"While some children may be ready for academics," he says, "the vast majority of human brains aren't developed enough to truly learn reading or math concepts until they've reached the age of reason, typically at age 5 or 6."

When we push kids who aren't ready, "we risk killing their motivation for learning, for schooling and for respecting teachers," says Elkind, author of "The Hurried Child" (Da Capo Press, 2006) and "The Power of Play" (Da Capo Press, 2007).

Let your values and knowledge of your son guide you, says California-based early childhood educator Karen Hill Scott. To find a good match, review checklists for quality preschools.

"While a checklist won't make your decision for you, it's helpful to know what quality indicators to look for and how programs are defined," she says. "The National Association of Child Care Resource and Referral Agencies (www.naccrra.org) and the National Association for the Education of Young Children (www.naeyc.org) are useful resources."

Next, make a list of schools to visit. "Concentrate on the Three P's -- People, Program and Place," says Hill Scott. "Meet the director. The quality of the program rises or falls based on a director's competence. Can you relate to him or her? If the preschool were your workplace, would you want to deal with this person every day? Ask about the staff. What is their background? How long have they worked at the center?"

Any high-quality program, whether developmental or academic, should have a curriculum and a purposeful daily plan, says Hill Scott.

"During your visit, look for a clear connection between the activities and the curriculum goals," she says. "Do the activities encourage children to develop creativity, curiosity and problem-solving? Social and emotional skills? Are there abundant books, materials and play equipment? Will you receive regular communications about Leon's progress?"

Finally, consider the physical place. "The room has to feel right to you," says Hill Scott. "Cutesy architectural doodads are less important than having the sink near the bathroom so hands get washed, or creating a quiet corner so kids can curl up with a book. Look for the relationship of the space to safety and flow of activity."

After your visits, rank the programs in terms of the three P's. Then consider location, fees and hours of operation.

"You may not find perfection, but thanks to your homework, you'll find the best fit," says Hill Scott.

(Do you have a question about your child's education? Email it to Leanna@aplusadvice.com. Leanna Landsmann is an education writer who began her career as a classroom teacher. She has served on education commissions, visited classrooms in 49 states to observe best practices, and founded Principal for a Day in New York City.)

Q: In May, we gave my nephew, Brody, a substantial check for his high school graduation. He deserved it, graduating third in his class, but he's never thanked us. I adore him, but this drives me crazy. I believe good etiquette is as important as any academic skill. My husband says to let it go. Should I?

A: I'm in your camp. Knowing when to show appreciation isn't just good etiquette; it's an important social skill.

As an adoring aunt, you're entitled to give your nephew a helpful life lesson before he heads to college.

Forward to Brody this advice from Lizzie Post, the great-great-granddaughter of Emily Post and author of "How Do You Work This Life Thing? Advice for the Newly Independent on Roommates, Jobs, Sex, and Everything That Counts" (William Morrow, 2007).

Post says grads "absolutely have to be sending handwritten thank-you notes." They don't have to be long or complicated, only heartfelt. If the gift was cash, mention how it will be used -- such as putting it toward a laptop computer.

Post adds, "If the givers have also been a source of love and support throughout your life, mention in your note what they've meant to you. Close by sharing your hope that you'll see them soon."

While a handwritten note is proper form, grads can use creativity to get the job done. A friend of mine recently received a meaningful emailed "thank you" from a grad: a beautiful slideshow of photos of them together from past years. Each photo and caption triggered great memories.

Tell Brody that there's good evidence that expressing gratitude can make him a better, healthier person. Several studies have shown that being grateful can improve one's well-being and strengthen social relationships. It can enhance physical health, produce positive emotional states and even help diffuse stress.

Psychologist Robert Emmons says that when we make gratitude a policy and a practice, it "builds up a sort of psychological immune system that can cushion us when we fall. There is scientific evidence that grateful people are more resilient to stress, whether minor everyday hassles or major personal upheavals."

Adam Grant of the University of Pennsylvania and Francesca Gino of Harvard University found that gratitude has a profound effect that can bestow a big benefit to young people starting out in the world.

In a series of experiments, a fictional student named Eric enlisted advice via email from adults. The researchers discovered that when Eric expressed thanks, advice-givers were much more willing to help him again with advice and encouragement.

Grant and Gino also found that advice-givers weren't offering more help because it boosted their self-esteem, but because they appreciated being needed and felt more socially valued when Eric thanked them. Grant elaborates on this research in his book "Give and Take: A Revolutionary Approach to Success" (Viking Adult, 2013).

Let this all sink in with Brody. If he's the smart cookie he seems to be, he'll thank you for the rest of your life.

(Do you have a question about your child's education? Email it to Leanna@aplusadvice.com. Leanna Landsmann is an education writer who began her career as a classroom teacher. She has served on education commissions, visited classrooms in 49 states to observe best practices, and founded Principal for a Day in New York City.)

Q: My daughter, a high school freshman, does well in math and science. Her counselor suggested that we find her a female mentor to foster her interest in these subjects and help her set career goals. Is this a good idea? How would we find one?

A: The counselor is looking out for your daughter's future. The nation needs our brightest kids to pursue STEM (science, technology, engineering and math) fields.

According to a 2009 study by the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development, among wealthy nations, United States high school students rank 23rd in science and 31st in math. According to the National Academies ("Advisers to the Nation on Science, Engineering, and Medicine"), the U.S. ranks 27th in college graduates with degrees in science and math. And according to the Association for Women in Science, females represent only one-fourth of the STEM workforce. Many thousands of STEM jobs go unfilled for lack of qualified candidates.

Is mentoring effective? There is good evidence that a strong mentoring relationship can enhance a student's school performance, improve relationships with parents and peers and reduce initiation of drug and alcohol use. Folks at the Search Institute, a research organization devoted to understanding "what kids need to succeed," say young people have a better chance of reaching their full potential if they have at least three nonparent adult mentors in their lives.

To find a mentor, start with your own networks. "Many STEM professionals would love to coach a motivated young person. Often they just need to be asked," says Nancy Bourne, Florida Teacher of the Year for Engineering and a STEM Club leader.

If your search comes up short, look for national and local organizations such as fabfems.org, a directory of women in STEM jobs committed to putting girls on paths to STEM careers.

Don't rule out online mentoring. A recent study on e-mentoring found that it can be as effective as in-person interactions.

Meaningful mentoring relationships are often forged in labs and other workplaces, says Cathy Trivigno, a researcher at The Scripps Research Institute in Jupiter, Fla.

"A Google search will turn up summer internships and camps that introduce high school girls to STEM careers," she says. "Getting into one can give her a chance to work alongside highly skilled professionals, and, if she's motivated, she'll get plenty of encouragement."

A mentor-mentee relationship might take a while to get going, says Bourne, who adds, "the best mentors are 'real' people who will connect with a teen's multiple interests; who can talk about their everyday lives, families, pets, and hobbies, along with the satisfactions of their jobs."

Male or female, what counts is the mentor's ability to listen, coach, inspire and share stories of their failures as well as their successes. This helps teens develop less-stereotyped images of science and engineering fields.

Bourne says, "I always tell students that Newton's law of gravity didn't suddenly appear one day when he saw an apple fall from a tree. He had prepared his mind with his hard work and curious nature to be able to formulate a gravitational theory at that moment.

"Newton wrote: 'I keep the subject constantly before me ... 'till the first dawnings open slowly, by little and little, into the full and clear light.'"

(Do you have a question about your child's education? Email it to Leanna@aplusadvice.com. Leanna Landsmann is an education writer who began her career as a classroom teacher. She has served on education commissions, visited classrooms in 49 states to observe best practices, and founded Principal for a Day in New York City.)