parenting

Positive Thinking Can Alter Grumpy Daughter's Outlook

A+ Advice for Parents by by Leanna Landsmann
by Leanna Landsmann
A+ Advice for Parents | September 24th, 2012

Q: My daughter, Karina, a second-grader, is a grump! Her kindergarten-age sister is Miss Sunshine, but Karina is increasingly disorganized or helpless, always finding something wrong, even though she has good grades. Any little thing sets her off. Her teacher says we need to work to improve her outlook. Any thoughts?

A: Assuming no extraordinary factors are affecting Karina's life, it sounds like she is learning pessimism and developing a way of thinking that isn't healthy, says youth counselor Marissa Gehley, founder of KNOW (Kids Need Our Wisdom) consulting.

"No second-grader should get up every morning and see the glass half empty," Gehley says. "You can teach her to use the empowering energy of optimism and learn to stay positive."

Researchers have shown that students who have a bright outlook are more resilient and do better in school. They are physically healthier, more self-confident, outgoing, and able to deal with adversity and setbacks because they don't take them personally. They can also stand up to bullies more effectively and advocate on their own behalf with peers and adults.

When Gehley works with young people, no matter how dire their circumstances, she draws from the work of Martin Seligman, a psychology professor at the University of Pennsylvania and the "granddaddy of the science of positive psychology," says Gehley. "The guy is a genius, and the good news is that educators and parents are beginning to incorporate elements of this science into their teaching and parenting."

Positive psychology posits that optimism and resilience are learned, and that we control our attitudes. Optimists bounce back from glitches and failures.

"They see bad events as more temporary than permanent," says Gehley. "They don't let one failure color their attitude about everything. Conversely, optimists also tend to let good events and positive happenings influence their overall outlook.

"An optimistic girl who kicks the winning goal in soccer sees it as the result of the team's hard work and practice, not some fluke. She internalizes the positive energy and spreads it around to others."

Gehley gives parents copies of Seligman's book, "The Optimistic Child: A Proven Program to Safeguard Children Against Depression and Build Lifelong Resilience" (Mariner Books, 2007), and she refers them to Seligman's TED Talk online (www.ted.com/talks/martin_seligman_on_the_state_of_psychology.html).

"When parents use the tools to help kids learn the skills of optimism," Gehley says, "they see right away that they're boosting kids' self-reliance and self-esteem and giving them a strong foundation to approach the teenage years."

To keep young kids looking forward to positive aspects of each day at school, corporate leadership guru Jon Gordon wrote a children's book based on his best-selling book, "The Energy Bus." In parable format, "The Energy Bus for Kids" (Wiley, 2012) shows readers how to overcome everyday challenges. The book explores five rules for "The Ride of Your Life": create a positive vision; fuel your ride with positive energy; don't allow bullies on the bus; love your passengers; and enjoy the ride!

"Negativity is part of life, but teaching children to overcome it is one of the most important things we can do," says Gordon.

(Do you have a question about your child's education? Email it to Leanna@aplusadvice.com. Leanna Landsmann is an education writer who began her career as a classroom teacher. She has served on education commissions, visited classrooms in 49 states to observe best practices, and founded Principal for a Day in New York City.)

parenting

Son Weighed Down by Heavy Middle-School Workload

A+ Advice for Parents by by Leanna Landsmann
by Leanna Landsmann
A+ Advice for Parents | September 17th, 2012

Q: My son, Cameron, started middle school and his homework load is huge. He's floundering. I'm a working mom who can't spend all night urging him to "get it done." He's not organized. Help!

A: The transition to middle school can be a shocker for students used to lighter homework. You'll need to coach your son in how to organize, manage time and focus on goals. By establishing guidelines and making a specific plan to get the work done, you'll teach Cameron skills that will serve him throughout his life, says Virginia educator Ann Dolin, author of "Homework Made Simple: Tips, Tools, and Solutions for Stress-Free Homework" (Advantage, 2010).

Dolin's tips for homework success:

-- Set aside a weekly half-hour to plan the upcoming week. Sunday evenings work well. Preview extracurricular activities and long-term assignments to eliminate last-minute surprises.

"Often, it's what's not due the next day that throws you for a loop," says Dolin.

Plan for upcoming projects, book reports and tests by recording them in his assignment notebook. Do a "clean sweep" and clean out his binders, folders and backpack. Make sure that completed assignments aren't lost in a forgotten compartment!

-- Establish a daily homework start time.

"There are three good times to start: right after school, after a 30-minute break and before dinner," says Dolin. "Don't wait until after dinner or before bedtime to start: Kids aren't as productive then.

"Elementary students often need downtime after school or extracurricular activities -- about 30 minutes is usually sufficient. Although each start time might be different due to scheduling, keep the routine of starting 30 minutes after returning home. For older students, consider a policy that homework always starts before dinner, not after, to reduce late-night stress."

-- Use after-school care to your advantage. If Cameron participates in aftercare, encourage him to complete the easiest homework assignment before leaving for the day.

"Many kids either cannot focus or do not want to do homework in aftercare, but they are capable of completing a simple task," notes Dolin.

Then, by the time Cameron arrives home, at least one piece of work should be out of the way.

-- Use "home alone" time. If Cameron arrives home before you do, call him daily at a specified time to "go over his prioritized homework list, ranking work from easy to hard. His job is to complete the simple work early; you can assist with harder assignments later if needed," says Dolin.

Have him check off finished work so that you know what is left to do. Check the school's online portal to verify the homework load.

-- Get a study buddy. Ask Cameron to identify classmates he feels comfortable contacting with questions regarding homework. Keep their information in his homework area.

-- Monitor homework regularly and step back a bit, but not completely, after the first quarter.

"Praising Cameron's effort is a powerful tool when it comes to homework," Dolin advises. "It motivates kids to keep trying, even when the going gets tough!"

(Do you have a question about your child's education? Email it to Leanna@aplusadvice.com. Leanna Landsmann is an education writer who began her career as a classroom teacher. She has served on education commissions, visited classrooms in 49 states to observe best practices, and founded Principal for a Day in New York City.)

parenting

Be Specific and Consistent When Giving Kids Chores

A+ Advice for Parents by by Leanna Landsmann
by Leanna Landsmann
A+ Advice for Parents | September 3rd, 2012

Q: I'm having a hard time with my children (ages 10, 14 and 16). They "chilled" all summer, and now that school's in session, they push back on everything. I have to nag to get them on the bus! It was so easy when they were young.

A: It's time for a refresher in boundary-setting. Albuquerque, N.M., parent/educator Jane Bluestein, Ph.D., hears this question a lot after a summer of "anything goes."

Bluestein, author of "Parents, Teens and Boundaries: How to Draw the Line" (Health Communications Inc., 1993), suggests you focus on "positivity, clarity and follow-through, the three biggest problems most parents face when establishing limits."

-- First, think positive. "Many parents confuse boundaries with threats," says Bluestein. "'If you don't do your homework, you're not watching a video' isn't really a boundary; it's a threat."

Threats provoke resistance, passive-aggressiveness or flat-out defiance. Switching your emphasis to a positive consequence avoids a negative reaction or a competition for power. Reframe your goal positively, she advises.

"'Of course you can watch the video -- as soon as your homework is finished.' This is a tiny, simple shift that changes the energy in the contingency," Bluestein says. "It allows parents to retain authority without disempowering kids. It builds responsibility and accountability and honors their need for autonomy. They now have the power to get what they want by doing what you've asked."

-- Clarity is important. It's hard to cooperate if you don't know what the other person wants, so be specific. What do you mean by "a clean room" or "a reasonable hour"? When you ask your kids to do their chores, is your mental list the same as theirs?

"Write down the list of chores or the definition of a clean room," says Bluestein. "The more specific you can be, the more likely you'll get what you want."

-- Follow-through is key. Kids won't take you seriously if you're wishy-washy and inconsistent about consequences.

"If you say 'no TV or video games until all assignments are done,' then cave when your kids whine or threaten, you're teaching them, 'This is how you can get what you want.' Be prepared for more of the same," Bluestein warns. "By the same token, if you only allow access to the TV, game console or computer after a specific task is done to the criteria you have made clear to them ahead of time, then you're teaching kids the importance of earning -- and maybe even appreciating -- the privileges they have."

-- Communicate boundaries before a conflict occurs. Bluestein says to spell it out. For example: "You may go to the mall as long as you've finished your report by Saturday noon," or, "You may ask Caitlyn for a sleepover once you've finished the chores that are your responsibility, and I've checked to see that they are done properly." (For more examples, advice and boundary-setting tips, go to www.janebluestein.com.)

Before next summer rolls around, create a plan with your kids to add structure, home responsibilities and jobs to the break. Letting them "chill" another summer does them a disservice.

(Do you have a question about your child's education? Email it to Leanna@aplusadvice.com. Leanna Landsmann is an education writer who began her career as a classroom teacher. She has served on education commissions, visited classrooms in 49 states to observe best practices, and founded Principal for a Day in New York City.)

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