Donald Matthew Santacroce, 65, really wants to go to federal prison. To that end, on March 6, he entered a Wells Fargo bank branch in Salt Lake City and handed the teller a note: "Please pardon me for doing this but this is a robbery. Please give me $1. Thank you." According to KSL-TV, the teller handed over a dollar and asked Santacroce to leave, but instead he sat down in the lobby and waited for police to arrive. During his wait, he mentioned that it was a good thing he didn't have a gun, because the police were taking so long. At that point, the manager ushered employees into a locked back room. The arrest report noted that Santacroce said that "if he gets out of jail, he will rob another bank and ask for more money next time" so that he'll be sent to federal prison. [KSL, 3/7/2023]

Bonfire of the Vanity Plates

Maine's vanity plate free-for-all is at an end. The state's review process for custom license plates was effectively ended in 2015, after which residents could -- and did -- put nearly anything on the tags, including profanities. Lawmakers have now had enough: The state is reestablishing a review process and recalling hundreds of "inappropriate" plates, NBC Boston reported. But resident Peter Starostecki wants to know: What's inappropriate about soy products? The state recalled his plate, "LUVTOFU," because it "could've been seen as a reference to sex instead of admiration for bean curd," as NBC put it. Starostecki is one of 13 motorists to appeal their plates' recall so far, all of which have been denied. Secretary of State Shenna Bellows said vehicle owners can still express themselves -- but that they should do so with bumper stickers, not state-issued tags. "We have a public interest in keeping phrases and words that are profane or may incite violence off the roadways," she said. So, Maine motorists, consider yourselves safe from tofu-induced road rage. For now. [NBCBoston.com, 3/9/23]

It Was a Cuticle Emergency

Pop quiz: If you crashed your car into a building, what would you immediately do? Maybe call emergency services? See if anyone was hurt? We're betting you wouldn't answer with "get a manicure next door to the place I just destroyed," but that's what an Ontario woman did earlier this month. Per CTV News Toronto, which obtained security footage of the incident, a Jeep plowed into the storefront of Guilty Pleasurez Dezzert Cafe on March 3, shattering windows and destroying merchandise. Thankfully, the bakery -- owned by siblings Tanvir and Simran Bawa -- was not yet open for the day, and no one was inside. Tanvir rushed to the scene after getting a frantic call from the pair's mother, while his sister got the news from a worker at KC's Nails and Beauty Shoppe, the nail salon next door to Guilty Pleasurez. The employee told Simran that the driver was inside KC's, getting her nails done. Tanvir told CTV that he spoke to the driver: "I was like, 'Are you OK?' ... and she's just giggling. She's like, 'Yeah, I'm fine.'" His sister added, "I'm telling you, this whole time, not one single apology from them. ... This is pretty much my bread and butter." Simran said the bakery had sustained "serious structural damage," but that their insurance provider was requiring the shop to stay open for the time being -- despite the shattered glass and a front door that doesn't fully open. In the kind of understatement only Canadians can pull off, Simran said, "It's not been the most pleasant time." [CTV News Toronto, 3/6/23]

All the Cool Cats Are Doing It

If you saw the phrase "cocaine cat" trending recently, here's why: A wild cat that was captured in Cincinnati tested positive for exposure to cocaine, NPR reports. In events only recently made public, a big cat named Amiry escaped from his owner's car during a police stop in January. Soon after, local dog wardens started getting calls about a possible leopard stuck in a tree. Responders retrieved Amiry, brought him to a shelter and called in an expert. Per NPR, "The expert suspected Amiry was actually a serval: a long-legged, big-eared wild cat that is native to sub-Saharan Africa and illegal to own in Ohio." A DNA test confirmed that hunch -- and also found narcotics in the cat's system. (After an incident last year involving a monkey on amphetamines, the shelter now tests all "exotic" animals that come through its doors.) Amiry is currently living at the Cincinnati Zoo and Botanical Garden. He suffered a broken leg during his ordeal, but is recovering well, says lead trainer Linda Castaneda. "Amiry is young and very curious," she said. "He is exploring his new space and eating well." No charges have yet been filed against Amiry's former owner, but the case remains open. [NPR, 3/9/23]

Lookin' For Love

Sometimes, even the self-appointed top bachelor needs a little help. Robert Siegfried, 43, of Janesville, Wisconsin, was tired of dating apps and decided to try a new tactic, reports WISC-TV. He took out a billboard featuring a photo of himself; next to that are the all-caps words "DATE ROBERT" in what some might call a desperate shade of red, followed by "Wisconsin's #1 Eligible Bachelor." The sign states that Robert is "looking for a local, honest woman." Said lucky lady can reach him at the number plastered on the billboard. If you do reach out to Robert, you might want to ask him about the restraining order that was put in place against him last year, according to online court records, which is set to last for four years. Meh, that's probably nothing to worry about. Get dialing, ladies! [WISC-TV, 3/7/23]

Free the Torsos!

-- According to Berlin's local government, everyone will soon be allowed to go topless at the city's public pools, regardless of gender. Up till now, women who bared their breasts at Berlin pools were asked to cover up or leave, and were sometimes even banned, reports NBC. After a local woman filed a discrimination complaint with a government office for equal treatment, the Berliner Baeder-Betriebe (which runs the city's public pools) decided to update its policies. Doris Liebscher, the head of the office involved, praised the decision because "it establishes equal rights for all Berliners, whether male, female or nonbinary, and because it also creates legal certainty for the staff at the Baeder-Betriebe." [CNN.com, 3/12/23]

-- Owners of Club Castaway, a strip club in Whately, Massachusetts, are looking for a way to stand out in a "saturated" market, Boston.com reported. So they've decided to transition their business into a topless cannabis dispensary. "We do have some experience on the cannabis side and some on the nudity side," said co-owner Nick Spagnola. "We want to replace this nightclub scene and alcohol with something that is harmless in comparison." Club Castaway shut down during the pandemic and has not yet reopened; details and licenses for its new incarnation are still being worked out. [Boston.com, 2/28/2023]

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The Exmoor Squirrel Project, a conservation endeavor in the United Kingdom aimed at saving the native red squirrel, has proposed that people set live traps for the non-native grey squirrel and that restaurants serve its meat, the BBC reported on Feb. 28. "Our woodlands, landscape and the biodiversity isn't set up to deal with the behaviors of the grey," said the group's manager, Kerry Hosegood. "We're going to introduce them to restaurants in the Exmoor area because they actually make for good eating," she added. "This isn't something that we like to do ... just target greys ... It's a very serious project." She said the grey squirrels have caused about 40 million pounds' worth of damage to trees annually. [BBC, 2/28/2023]

Suspicions Confirmed

Madison County (Illinois) coroner Steve Nonn solved a nearly year-old mystery on March 2 when he released the results of an autopsy on Richard Maedge of Troy, Illinois. Maedge's wife, Jennifer, had reported him missing in late April last year after he failed to come home from work, KTVI-TV reported. His car, wallet and keys were at the house, but she couldn't find him. Police searched the house, which they described as a "hoarder home," but did not locate him. In fact, they searched twice, as Jennifer was also looking for the source of a "sewerlike" odor in the dwelling. Finally, on Dec. 11, as Jennifer pulled out Christmas decorations from a concealed storage space, she discovered Richard's mummified body. The coroner ruled that Maedge hanged himself and that there was no foul play in his death. [KTVI, 3/6/2023]

News You Can Use

Mushrooms have been in the news a lot lately, but you probably didn't know that Texas has a state mushroom: the Devil's Cigar or Texas Star. KXAN-TV reported that the Lone Star State's designated fungi is ultra-rare, growing only on decomposing cedar elm or oak tree stumps and roots in the U.S. and Japan. It comes out of the earth in a cylindrical shape, then "will open up into a three- to eight-pointed star," said Angel Schatz of the Central Texas Mycological Society. That's when it releases its spores and sometimes hisses. "It is a very cool mushroom to have as our state mushroom," Schatz said. [KXAN, 3/7/2023]

Awesome!

Kansans take their tornado sirens seriously, so it was no surprise that on March 4 in the Wichita suburb of Park City, a ribbon-cutting ceremony took place to mark the reinstallation of the city's oldest Thunderbolt siren, KSNW-TV reported. The sirens are remnants of the Cold War, and four of them are still in service in Sedgwick County. "About a year ago, we took them down, had them refurbished, and put them back up in our system," explained Jonathan Marr, deputy director for Sedgwick County Emergency Management. The feted siren had been in use for 70 years. [KSNW, 3/6/2023]

It's Come to This

Tattoo artist Dean Gunther of Manchester, United Kingdom, has made one man's body goals come true: He's inked a ripped six-pack on the man's torso, freeing the man from eating right and exercising more, the Daily Mail reported on March 6. "He decided that by getting a six-pack tattoo, he will always look summer-ready while still being able to enjoy beer and good food," Gunther said of his customer. The artistic tat took two days to complete. [Daily Mail, 3/6/2023]

Compelling Explanation

At a preliminary hearing in San Francisco Superior Court on March 6, police officers offered testimony about a Feb. 1 incident in which Dmitri Mishin fired a replica gun inside a synagogue, The San Francisco Standard reported. As officers interrogated Mishin, he explained that the shooting was an act of prayer he was giving for his neighbor's bird. Mishin, who pleaded not guilty, told officers he lives on a submarine and talks with North Korean and Japanese leaders, and that weapons found in his home were movie props. After the shooting at the synagogue, he waved goodbye and left. Unsurprisingly, this isn't Mishin's first run-in with the law; his mother testified that he suffers from mental illness. The hearing was ongoing. [SF Standard, 3/6/2023]

Pick on Somebody Your Own Size

David Jimenez, 65, of Maui, Hawaii, was arrested on March 6 for "pursuing a humpback whale," CBS News reported. Jimenez, who calls himself Dolphin Dave, was allegedly harassing the whale and dolphins in Kealakekua Bay State Historical Park, where he was snorkeling. Jimenez was unrepentant, though: He told officers "he's not going to stop swimming with whales and dolphins 'because it's magical and others do much worse things.'" Humpback whales are protected under the National Marine Sanctuaries Act. [CBS News, 3/7/2023]

Bright Idea

In China, women modeling lingerie for online retailers violates the country's rules about spreading obscene material, Insider reported on March 1. Instead, underwear companies are hiring men to model the clothing -- and it's working out better than you might think. "The guy wears it better than the girl," one online commenter posted. Others argue that the restrictions are "depriving women of job opportunities." "We don't really have a choice," said one business owner, Mr. Xu. "The designs can't be modeled by our female colleagues, so we will use our male colleagues to model it." [Insider, 3/1/2023]

It's Good To Have a Hobby

You missed it again. Key West, Florida's annual Conch Shell Blowing Contest took place on March 4, with Carol Whiteley of Ontario, Canada, winning the women's division and Brian Cardis of Macon, Georgia, taking the men's top prize. Entrants of all ages were judged on quality, novelty, duration and loudness, the Associated Press reported. Michael and Georgann Wachter from Avon Lake, Ohio, impressed the audience with a shell and vocal duet of Elvis Presley's "Hound Dog." Whiteley said she toots her shell to celebrate sunsets at her riverside home. Time to start practicing for next year! [AP, 3/4/2023]

Irony

Your Mates Brewing Co. has recalled cans of its Watermelon Sour Beer because of "excess alcohol," United Press International reported. The Australian brand said the beer could pose a risk of illness; it was unintentionally fermented twice, causing it to have a higher alcohol content and carbonation. The brand is sold in Queensland and online Down Under. [UPI, 3/7/2023]

Police Reports

-- Belinda H. Miller, 50, was in jail four days after a Feb. 18 incident at a Popeye's restaurant in Richmond County, Georgia, WJBF-TV reported. Miller became angry when her order was missing biscuits, the store's manager told police, and the mistake was corrected -- but that didn't appease her. Instead, she allegedly drove her SUV into the store's front window, narrowly missing a worker standing inside. She continued driving until debris inside the building stopped her car. Miller was charged with aggravated assault and criminal damage to property. [WJBF, 2/23/2023]

-- Hayato Baba, 21, of Narashino, Japan, was taken into custody in March because he allegedly assaulted another man and stole his wallet outside a convenience store, Japan Today reported -- all because the guy was taking too long in the restroom. Baba admitted to punching the victim twice in the face and taking the wallet. [Japan Today, 2/19/2023]

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Natalia Harrell, 24, was arrested last July in Miami for allegedly shooting and killing Gladys Yvette Borcela, 28, as they rode in an Uber. Since then, she's been in the custody of the Miami-Dade Corrections Department -- along with her unborn child. Now, Michael O'Brien, the father of the child, has filed a petition claiming the baby has not been charged with a crime and is having its due process rights violated, NBC Miami reported. "I don't want the baby to be born prematurely or low birth weight," O'Brien said. "The conditions (in the jail) are terrible and I feel she's not getting the prenatal care she should be getting." He seeks the baby's immediate release. Officials replied that they are reviewing the care Harrell has received "to ensure that all prenatal care being provided in our custody is appropriate." [NBC Miami, 2/21/2023]

Irony

Police in Glemgormley, Northern Ireland, pulled over a Mini Cooper on Feb. 27 and asked the driver for proof of insurance, the Irish Mirror reported. After cagily searching around for the document, the driver admitted they didn't have insurance -- even though they were sporting a bumper sticker that cheekily asked, "My brakes are good!! Is your insurance?" The car was seized and the driver was issued a penalty for the lack of coverage. [Irish Mirror, 2/27/2023]

New World Order

Tired of your John Hancock looking like a child's scribble? Priscilla Molina of Los Angeles can help with that. The Associated Press reported that Molina's business, Planet of Names, will make over anyone's signature for between $10 and $55. People seeking her service are "not happy with their signatures. They don't relate to who they are. They don't give the message they want to convey to the world," Molina said. She designs up to 300 custom signatures per month, and offers a range of styles, from elegant and artistic to ... illegible. [AP, 2/28/2023]

My Kindom for an Editor

First it was a misspelling of Georgia O'Keeffe's name in New York City's new Grand Central Terminal. On Feb. 26, according to the Associated Press, the state's Department of Transportation installed a new sign in Queens to identify the Jackie Robinson Parkway, established in 1997. Robinson was the first African American player to compete in major league baseball. But the DOT forgot the C, spelling the baseball great's first name Jakie. The sign was quickly replaced with the correct spelling. [AP, 2/28/2023]

Unconventional Weaponry

In a puzzling attempt to draw attention to the climate crisis, three people defaced a woolly mammoth at the Royal B.C. Museum in Victoria, Canada, on March 1, the Times Colonist reported. A woman allegedly used her hands to paint the mammoth's tusks pink. A group called On2Ottawa has claimed responsibility for the vandalism; the painter, "Laura," says in a video posted online, "If the government does not enact a citizens' assembly to tackle the climate and ecological crisis in the next one to two years, then we will be traveling to Ottawa to demand one." The water-based paint was cleaned off the tusks and three people were arrested. [Times Colonist, 3/2/2023]

Oops

More than 40 high school students from the Barr Beacon School in Walsall, England, were stranded in the U.S. for four extra days after a ski trip to New Hampshire, the New York Post reported. It wasn't weather that shut down their travel, but the fact that the Kancamagus Lodge in Lincoln, New Hampshire, "accidentally" shredded 42 of their passports. Fortunately, head teacher Katie Hobbs, who was not on the trip, was on top of the situation and had the group move to New York City, where the British embassy was preparing emergency documents. In the meantime, the kids toured the city and took in the sights. "The silver lining is that they can have an amazing experience," said one parent. The lodge had no explanation for the destruction of the passports other than it happened by mistake. [New York Post, 3/1/2023]

Perspective

Hicham Argani, a police officer in Boxtel, Netherlands, was patrolling his neighborhood when he spotted an unidentified object in the sky, the Daily Star reported on March 1. He posted on Instagram about the "suspected 'spy balloon'" hovering over the Selissen district and followed it in his car. Finally, he decided to pull over to get a closer look at it -- which was when he realized the UFO was a blob of bird poo stuck to his windshield. Argani updated his post with his findings and an all-clear: "Boxtel is safe!" [Daily Star, 3/1/2023]

Compelling Explanation

A Peruvian man, 26-year-old Julio Cesar Bermejo, is being detained in Puno after police discovered a mummified human in his possession, People reported. Officers approached three men drinking in a park on Feb. 25 and noticed the remains inside a cooler delivery bag. Bermejo told them that he had brought the mummy to the park to show his friends; it had been in his family for decades. He said he named the remains "Juanita" and it was his "spiritual girlfriend." However, officials say the mummy is actually that of a 45-year-old man, and they've turned it over to Peru's Ministry of Culture. [People, 3/1/2023]

Repeat Offender

Rodolfo Santillan just can't stop burglarizing cars. On Feb. 21, he broke into a work van in Chicago while wearing an ankle bracelet for two pending car burglary cases, CWB Chicago reported. A passing police officer stopped and charged him with misdemeanor criminal trespass, and he left the police station at about 4:40 p.m. Two hours later, police were called to another van, where workers said they had found Santillan inside. He was also caught on video taking tools from a nearby car. Santillan was held without bail for violating bond in the previous cases. [CWB Chicago, 2/27/2023]

Cultural Diversity

According to the India Times, a wedding in Bhavnagar took an odd turn in late February when Hetal, the bride, fainted during the nuptials, then passed away at the hospital. Doctors said she suffered a heart attack. As the wedding festivities went on, the family came up with a novel idea: The bride's younger sister would marry the groom instead. City councilman Laxmanbhai Rathore called the event extremely sad and said the family was trying to set an example by not abandoning the groom and his family without a bride. One woman commented on Twitter: "Families cannot afford to let their wedding investment go in vain. Behind all that love and sanskaar is a very practical and businesslike family model." [India Times, 3/1/2023]

The Passing Parade

In Tsuruta, Japan, an annual sporting event was shuttered for three years during the COVID pandemic, but now it's back, Reuters reported. The Suction Cup Tug-of-War, in which pairs of bald men attach suction cups to their heads and pull in opposite directions, took place on Feb. 22, with the city's Bald Men's Club gamely competing. "My head still hurts," said Toshiyuki Ogasawara, 43. "I think I need to ice it!" The club welcomes people who "view baldness in a positive manner" and want to "brighten the world with our shiny heads," its website reads. This year's champion was Mr. Ota, who has won three consecutive times. [Reuters, 2/22/2023]

Send your weird news items with subject line WEIRD NEWS to WeirdNewsTips@amuniversal.com.