Police in Pinellas County, Florida, responded to the Clearwater Mall late on March 22, where witnesses had reported a woman screaming in a parked car. According to an arrest affidavit, the officers discovered the woman and Robert Janisch, 21, "wrestling with each other" in their birthday suits. The couple told police that after they had intercourse, the woman went to urinate outside the car, using a napkin to wipe herself, which she then accidentally threw on Janisch, prompting an argument. The affidavit stated the argument escalated to the point that Janisch choked his girlfriend, but he contended the marks on her neck occurred earlier at the beach. WFLA reported Janisch was arrested for domestic battery. [WFLA, 3/26/2020]

Signs of the Apocalypse (As If We Needed More)

Steward Gatt, also known as Stewy the Snake Catcher, was summoned to a yard in Ardeer, Victoria, Australia, in mid-March, where he bagged up a female tiger snake in order to relocate it in the wild. But when Gatt opened the bag a short time later, he discovered the snake had given birth to several offspring -- one of which had two heads. According to United Press International, Gatt took the snakes to Direct Vet Services and had them checked over. The usual one-headed babies were fine, but the two-headed specimen had to be euthanized; "... these animals are not generally viable so it was euthanized on humane grounds," the clinic posted on its Facebook page. Mom and babies were returned to the wild according to plan. [United Press International, 3/20/2020]

Oops

Vicar Simon Beach, 61, of St. Budeaux Parish Church in Plymouth, England, was uncomfortable enough as he launched into his first virtual church service on March 22, calling it "surreal." But as he leaned into the camera to deliver the final portion of his sermon, he looked to his left and calmly deadpanned, "Oh dear, I've just caught fire." Beach had leaned a bit too close to one of several nearby candles and ignited his sleeve. "I just felt my arm getting a bit hot," he told Metro News. The flame damaged his sweater and shirt, but did not burn his skin. Beach was teased a bit by fellow vicars, who razzed him for being "on fire for Jesus." "People have laughed and laughed, really," Beach said. [Metro News, 3/22/2020]

Crafting During the Coronavirus

Steve Walton of Shotley Bridge, England, took a bad spill in 2018 and, after a series of surgeries, had to have the lower part of his leg amputated in January. He was scheduled to be fitted with a prosthetic leg in mid-March, but his appointment was delayed because of the coronavirus crisis. That was when his wife, Atchari, went to work, making a leg for him using a bucket, fiberglass resin and wood. The first attempt kept falling off ("It was more akin to something Long John Silver would wear," Walton said), but Ms. Walton refined her project using a moon boot, and it worked. "My wife is very practical. She can turn her hand to anything," Walton told the BBC. "I am not going to use this regularly, but it will be good for getting around the house for the next three to six months. There are people far worse off than me at the minute." [BBC, 3/24/2020]

Least Competent Criminal

Kenneth Braden, 65, filled his shopping cart at a Nashville-area Kroger store with essentials -- five cases of beer and two packages of toilet paper -- on March 11, then bypassed the checkout lanes, according to court documents. As he attempted to leave the store, he tripped the alarm sensors at the door and the wheels on his cart locked up. After several unsuccessful attempts to move the cart, he fled the store. WZTV reported Metro Police later picked him up and charged him with theft of merchandise and driving on a suspended license. [WZTV, 3/12/2020]

Lesson Learned

Taiwan has strictly cracked down on its citizens during the COVID-19 pandemic, using GPS on phones to monitor the movement of those in quarantine. One man got a particularly costly lesson when he violated the quarantine to go clubbing, AFP reported. The unnamed man, who was required to self-quarantine for 14 days after returning from Southeast Asia, was charged $1 million Taiwanese (about $33,000 US) after he was found at a Taipei nightclub on March 22. Authorities deemed his night out "malicious," and the New Taipei mayor, Hou Yu-ih, warned, "I will not be soft-handed." [AFP, 3/23/2020]

Neighbors Helping Neighbors

In Richfield, Wisconsin, neighbors Eric Trzcinski and Trevor Reinke have missed sharing a beer while they are socially isolating. So Trzcinski came up with a novel idea: He's a car guy, and happened to have a spare exhaust tip that was the perfect size to hold a bottle of beer. Using zip ties, he strapped the tip to a remote control car, then dropped a bottle of Corona (yes, on purpose) into the pipe. He called Reinke, told him to start videotaping, and Reinke caught the little delivery as it zoomed across a busy street and up his driveway, delivering the cold brew into his hands. Trzcinski's Facebook post featuring the video racked up more than 5 million views, he told FOX6 News on March 24. [FOX6 News, 3/24/2020]

Not Funny

Joe Fasula, co-owner of Gerrity's Supermarket in Hanover Township, Pennsylvania, had "a very challenging day" on March 25. A woman who claimed she had the coronavirus, later identified by police as Margaret Chirko, "came into the store and proceeded to purposely cough on our fresh produce, and a small section of our bakery, meat case and grocery," he wrote on Facebook. While the staff "did the best they could to get the woman out of the store as fast as possible," he said, the health department had to help disinfect the store, and the "twisted prank" resulted in the loss of $35,000 worth of food. The Philadelphia Inquirer reports the Luzerne County District Attorney's Office has charged Chirko with threatening to use weapons of mass destruction and making terroristic threats. It is not known whether the woman has COVID-19. [The Philadelphia Inquirer, 3/26/2020]

Police in Las Cruces, New Mexico, who approached a woman driving a stolen car on March 7 were surprised when she identified herself as pop singer Beyonce Knowles, according to police documents. The Las Cruces Sun News reported officers had to use a fingerprint scanner to properly identify Surena Henry, 48. Henry at first ignored police when they tried to pull her over, according to court documents, but they followed her to her home, where she got out of the car but refused to give them her name. She was charged with stealing the vehicle, concealing her identity and resisting arrest. [Las Cruces Sun News, 3/10/2020]

Update

News of the Weird reported in July 2017 about Jeff Reitz of Huntington Beach, California, who at that time had just achieved his 2,000th visit to Disneyland in Anaheim. Since then, Reitz, 47, has continued his daily visits -- until March 13, when Disney closed its theme parks in response to the COVID-19 outbreak. Reitz was just short of 3,000 visits, the Orange County Register reported, at 2,995. "The streak's been ended," Reitz said. He does not plan to continue his consecutive streak when the park reopens. "On the negative side, I didn't get to choose the end," he said. "But on the positive side, I didn't have to choose the end." While he's practicing social isolation, Reitz plans to watch some movies on ... you guessed it, Disney Plus. [Orange County Register, 3/17/2020]

People Are Good

Just a few hours after Harris County, Texas, declared that all bars and nightclubs would have to close on March 16, an anonymous diner at Irma's Southwest restaurant in downtown Houston did their best to help out. The customer, who left a $9,400 tip, wrote on the receipt: "Hold tip to pay your guys over the next few weeks." United Press International said Irma's will split the tip among the employees, giving them each about $300. [United Press International, 3/17/2020]

I Hate When That Happens

Sage Aaron Cummins, 24, of Gallup, New Mexico, woke up one recent morning and found he had two TVs in his room that had not been there the day before. Two days later, he found out an acquaintance was missing two TVs and put two and two together. According to Gallup police, Cummins returned to the victim's apartment with the goods and approached an officer who was there investigating the burglary report. He told the officer he had been "very intoxicated" when he knocked on a door that evening and, when no one answered, he entered the home, but he didn't remember what happened after that. Cummins told police he "wanted to make things right and return the stolen items," according to the Associated Press. Nevertheless, he was arrested and charged with receiving stolen property. [Associated Press, 3/18/2020]

Awesome!

When Alexandria Miller, 28, of Chicago, Illinois, won a two-inch goldfish at a carnival in July 2018, she assumed he would stay the same size. But since then, Gerald the goldfish has grown to be 12 inches long, and Miller has spent $1,300 upgrading his tanks to accommodate him (she's already looking for a bigger one). And, the Mirror reported, Gerald is not shy about getting his needs met. "He does lay around a lot, but it seems when he's bored or hungry, he jumps out of the water and likes to grab the thermometer inside his tank," Miller said. "He'll click it against the glass till he's got our attention." But, she went on, "If I put a smaller fish in there with him, he will eat them." [Mirror, 3/17/2020]

Signs of the Times

-- During the COVID-19 crisis, some people in Japan have resorted to pilfering toilet paper from public restrooms when the rolls became unavailable in stores. One convenience store worker put the power of the supernatural to work against such thefts. Mink Itachibe, who works at a store in the Niigata prefecture, hung signs with images of eyes and kanji characters in front of the toilet paper to curse the tempting rolls. "I did it as a joke, but it seems to have worked," she told CNN. The symbols imply that if someone nips TP from the store, a hungry monster will hunt them down and gobble them up. "People can be quite superstitious in Japan," Itachibe said. [CNN, 3/12/2020]

-- Add to the list of things not to leave in plain sight in your car: toilet paper. Police in Eugene, Oregon, stated that on March 15, a thief shattered the entire back window of an SUV in order to get his mitts on two 30-roll cases of toilet paper, along with other valuables, the Blaze reported. "Anytime vehicles are left unattended for extended periods of time, local thieves view it as a favorable opportunity," police reminded Oregonians. [Blaze, 3/19/2020]

Compelling Explanation

Slidell, Louisiana, police pulled over a driver on Feb. 27 for an undisclosed reason, but the car's license plate really got their attention. The tag had expired in September 1997 -- more than 20 years ago -- the Miami Herald reported. "Sorry, officer," police said the man told them. "I've been busy lately and totally forgot to renew my vehicle registration. I will take care of it as soon as I get home!" Slidell police posted the incident to their Facebook page, commenting: "For those of you who like to 'switch tags,' at least give us a good challenge." [Miami Herald, 3/5/2020]

Government in Action

In 1993, Alabama banned yoga in public schools under a general prohibition of the use of "hypnosis and dissociative mental states." Now, Rep. Jeremy Gray has proposed a bill that would let schools offer yoga as an elective class, but religious groups are expected to fight it. "It's the Hindu religion," said Joe Godfrey of the Alabama Citizens Action Program. But Gray is hoping the general acceptance of yoga will prevail. "I really don't see what the big deal is," he told NBC News. "I mean, my wife does this, my mother does this on the floor of her Methodist church." [NBC News, 3/6/2020]

Florida

Cody Hicks, 23, was reportedly driving erratically and crashed into another car on March 13 in Manatee County, Florida -- in itself, not weird. But what he did next perplexed the two young women in the car and onlookers. According to the Manatee County Sheriff's Office, Hicks emerged from his vehicle, pulled down his pants and underwear, and fondled himself while sticking out his tongue at witnesses. ClickOrlando.com reported deputies said Hicks would only tell them, "I want my lawyer." He was arrested for a lewd and lascivious exhibition and entered a plea of not guilty. [ClickOrlando.com, 3/19/2020]

Ah, Snap

PSA: The Deerfield, Michigan, American Legion has been forced by COVID-19 restrictions to cancel its annual testicle-eating festival, which was to take place on March 21. The big event, which draws 2,000 locals and visitors to Deerfield every year, offers deep-fried cattle genitals (also known as mountain oysters) and chicken gizzards, Metro reported. "So many people look forward to coming to Deerfield during this time of year," said organizer Nick Pulver, "[but] I think we made the best decision to delay it." Organizers hope to postpone it to May 9. The 300 pounds of delectables that were ordered for the festival have been frozen. [Metro, 3/19/2020]

-- Limestone County Sheriff Mike Blakely is on trial in Athens, Alabama, facing 11 counts of theft and ethics charges related to his job. On March 6, Blakely went to the hospital, where his lawyers told the court he was being tested for COVID-19, the disease associated with coronavirus. But in a special hearing on March 7, Dr. Maria Onoya told Judge Pride Tompkins that while Blakely was indeed admitted to the hospital, and received multiple tests, none of them was for COVID-19. In fact, she said there was no evidence to suggest he should be tested for it, The News Courier reported. Judge Tompkins ended the hearing with harsh words for Blakely's defense team: "I don't know what your tactic is, but it's condemned by the court," he said. He went on to note that he was "very disturbed" by the defense's mention of COVID-19 in the motion to continue, calling it irresponsible, reckless and unfair to the community. [The News Courier, 3/7/2020]

-- Meanwhile, in Queensland, Australia, people are panicking about running out of toilet paper during the coronavirus pandemic. Which makes Haidee Janetzki of Toowoomba extra popular, after she made an error in her regular online TP order with Who Gives a Crap. "When it asked for quantity, I put 48," she told 7News, "thinking that would be a box of 48 (rolls). Turned out it was 48 boxes." At first she thought it was the online retailer's fault -- until she checked her credit card, which showed an expense of $3,260 plus almost $400 shipping. Janetzki is selling the hot commodity to friends at a slight markup, hoping to raise money to send her kids on a school trip to Canberra. She's now known Down Under as the Queen of the Toilet Paper. [7News, 3/5/2020]

-- Two state attorneys general and the Food and Drug Administration are cracking down on disgraced televangelist Jim Bakker, who is now the host of "The Jim Bakker Show" on cable TV. The New York attorney general's office on March 3 sent a cease-and-desist order to Bakker, and on March 10, the Missouri attorney general filed suit against him. At issue is Bakker's hawking of "Silver Solution," a "medication" made from silver that supposedly cures all sorts of ailments, for use in treating COVID-19. On Feb. 12, The Washington Post reported, Bakker asked a guest on his show whether the gel could cure the coronavirus. "It hasn't been tested on this strain of the coronavirus, but it's been tested on other strains of the coronavirus, and has been able to eliminate it within 12 hours," said "naturopathic doctor" Sherrill Sellman. In the letter, the "extremely concerned" Lisa Landau, chief of the attorney general's health care bureau, called the segment false advertising and said it violates New York law. She gave Bakker 10 days to comply. [The Washington Post, 3/5/2020]

-- A man in Vilnius, Lithuania, with help from his sons, reportedly locked his wife in their bathroom after she expressed worry to him that she had contracted COVID-19 from traveling to Italy, where she came in contact with some Chinese people. The husband called a doctor, who suggested she isolate herself; she contacted police because her husband wouldn't let her out. It's unclear how long she was locked in the bathroom, but Delfi.lt reported that she was tested for the virus and did not have it. [Delfi.lt, 2/28/2020]

-- The U.S. State Department has advised people, particularly older adults, to avoid cruise ships and air travel during the coronavirus onslaught. But some travelers just can't be dissuaded. Take, for example, Ben Stults, a sophomore at Florida State University, who will head out on a cruise to Mexico this week for spring break. He's hoping to "hit the sweet spot" -- get there and get home before the virus takes hold in Mexico. To be safe, however, he's bringing along a respirator face mask and a deck of cards in case, you know, quarantine. The Daily Beast asked Stults if he thought his plan was a sound one, to which he replied, "Honestly, no." [Daily Beast, 3/10/2020]

Animal Antics

Firefighters were called to a farm near Bramham, Leeds, in England on March 7 to put out a fire in a large pigpen. At this particular farm, the pigs wear pedometers to prove that they're free-range, Fox News reported, but one of those gadgets was the probable cause of the blaze, firefighters said. They theorize that one of the pigs ate one of the pedometers, then passed it in its excrement, sparking a fire in the pen's hay. The culprit was the copper in the battery reacting with the pig poo. No pigs were hurt in the fire; let's hope they're getting all their steps in as usual. [Fox News, 3/9/2020]

The Continuing Crisis

A Polish tattooist known only as Piotr A. has pleaded not guilty to causing blindness in model Aleksandra Sadowska, 25, from Wroclaw, Poland. Sadowska engaged the artist to dye her eyeballs black in 2016. Following the procedure, she had pain in her eyes, which the tattooist said could be treated with painkillers. But she lost sight first in her right eye, and doctors told her there was nothing they could do to prevent the same fate for her left eye. "There is clear evidence that the tattoo artist did not know how to perform such a delicate procedure," Sadowska's lawyers said, according to the Daily Mail. "And yet he decided to perform it, which led to this tragedy." As he awaits his trial, the tattooist continues to run his salon in Warsaw, where he mainly pierces ears. [Daily Mail, 2/27/2020]

Crime Report

On Feb. 28, fourth-grade teacher Nancy Sweeney, 45, was arrested in Niles, Illinois, for assaulting a neighbor and calling her "a (expletive) Nazi." According to the Chicago Tribune, Sweeney attacked the 87-year-old woman, who is of German descent, in the parking garage of their condominium building, where the woman was exercising. The victim was struck in the face with a purse and fell, suffering cuts and bruises. The Cook County state's attorney's office approved not only an aggravated battery charge, but also a hate crime charge, based on the Nazi reference. The Park Ridge-Niles school district placed Sweeney on paid leave on March 4 upon learning of the charges, district spokesman Peter Gill said. [Chicago Tribune, 3/10/2020]

Resourceful

Professor Peter Davies, 70, is an expert in tuberculosis at the Liverpool Heart and Chest Hospital in England -- and a lay leader of the Church of England. He admittedly also has a porn addiction, which caught up with him in late 2018, when it was discovered that Davies had been engaging in "inappropriate browsing activity" on his work computer -- including viewing someone having sex with a horse and a dog. According to Metro News, Davies told the Medical Practitioners' Tribunal Service: "In 2010 I made a confession to my wife. ... She put a filter on all my computers ... I had some counseling and I stopped for a period of two years. ... But when I came back to it, I realized that I was in really deep trouble." Davies was scheduled to go before the General Medical Council on March 11, which conceded that Davies had "shown insight and took some steps to remedy his conduct." [Metro News, 3/11/2020]