Unfortunately named Johna Martinez-Meth, 46, of Clearlake, California, was sentenced on Feb. 21 for involuntary manslaughter stemming from a delivery she made to Adrian Sepulveda, an inmate at California Medical Facility in Vacaville, in May 2018. Sepulveda, who died on May 28, 2018, was serving a life sentence for second-degree murder when Martinez-Meth visited him; an autopsy showed that shortly after her visit, Sepulveda had swallowed multiple balloons filled with methamphetamine, Fox News reported. A subsequent search of Martinez-Meth's home uncovered meth and balloons. She pleaded guilty to the charges and will serve two years. [Fox News, 3/1/2019]

Legal Shenanigans

San Juan County (Washington) Sheriff Ron Krebs is on the hot seat after Superior Court Judge Kathryn Loring accidentally discovered a disturbing video. On Jan. 31, Loring was sitting at the desk of the court administrator when she noticed video from a courthouse camera on the computer screen. As she watched, the camera panned and zoomed in on the jury box and counsel tables -- settling on Juror No. 3's notes and a legal pad belonging to Public Defender Colleen Kenimond -- right in the middle of a misdemeanor assault and trespassing trial for Lopez Island resident Dustin Schible. According to the Seattle Times, Loring alerted Superior Court Judge Donald Eaton to the video, and Eaton dismissed the charges against Schible, citing government misconduct. Krebs, who controls the cameras, said he was concerned about the defendant, who had threatened to stab a Lopez Island grocer. He claimed he didn't pass on anything he saw with the camera, and County Prosecutor Randall Gaylord said no one in his office received any information from Krebs. "We are independently elected officials," Gaylord said, distancing himself from Krebs. [Seattle Times, 2/7/2019]

The Continuing Crisis

Attorneys in Maryville, Tennessee, are debating the merits of a felony case brought against Howard Matthew Webb, 31, after he -- proceed with caution here -- dipped his testicles in a takeout container of salsa that his companion was delivering along with Mexican food. As the two ferried the food on Jan. 12, Webb took his boys for a swim while he recorded the act, and the driver laughed and said, "This is what you get when you give an 89-cent tip for an almost 30-minute drive." Webb is heard saying, "Oh, oh, it feels so good." The video made it to Facebook, and Webb was arrested on Feb. 22 for "adulteration of foods, liquids or pharmaceuticals," a Class C felony. But three local attorneys told the Knoxville News Sentinel that they don't think the charge holds up. "It's doubtful under these facts, no matter how outrageous, that this criminal offense could be proven," said attorney Gregory P. Isaacs. "It appears salsa man may have committed an act for which the legislature has not yet contemplated the absurdity of." [Knoxville News Sentinel, 3/2/2019]

Bright Ideas

-- The long, harsh winter must be getting to folks in Muskego, Wisconsin, to wit: Police were called to a home on Feb. 22 after "a big teddy bear" was reported to be at a neighbor's front door. As it turned out, the human-sized panda -- not native to the Badger State -- was a 48-year-old man who had been asked to check on the dogs and thought it would be funny to prank his neighbors through their security system. "I knew my neighbors had cameras, and I thought I was going to make the ordinary extraordinary and dress up in the panda suit," the unnamed man told CBS 58. Apparently he has also picked his daughter up at school and met her at the bus stop in the suit (pandas are her favorite animal). [CBS 58, 2/28/2019]

-- Neighbors of Michal Prasek, 33, of Zdechov, Czech Republic, were rightly concerned about the animals living on his property. In 2016, Prasek bought a full-grown lion, and two years later added a lioness, for breeding purposes. He built enclosures for them, defying government regulations, and would not allow authorities onto his property to investigate. BBC News reported on March 5 that Prasek's project had met a tragic end: He was discovered by his father in the lion's cage, mauled to death. The father said the cage had been locked from the inside. Police who were called to the scene killed the two lions in order to reach Prasek's body. Presumably grasping for a silver lining, Zdechov Mayor Tomas Kocourek commented: "Today's incident will perhaps finally help to resolve this long-term problem." Cold, dude. [BBC News, 3/5/2019]

-- Judith Streng and her son, Rod, traveled to Iceland in February, where they visited Diamond Beach, in Jokulsarlon. The tourist attraction features huge chunks of ice that have broken off a nearby glacier. The Texas grandma saw other visitors having their pictures taken on a beached iceberg that was shaped like a throne, so she climbed aboard for her turn. That's when a "sneaker wave" swept in and took Streng out into the lagoon. "A very large wave came in and kind of made the throne kind of rock," she told ABC News. Streng was rescued by a boater, Randy Lacount of Florida, who happened to be nearby when she drifted away from shore. "You know I always wanted to be queen," Streng said. "That was my chance." [ABC News, 3/1/2019]

Least Competent Criminal

In the category of Unnecessarily Calling Attention to Your Criminal Self, Trinidad J. Garcia, 26, of Forest Lake, Minnesota, wins the gold. On March 1, as Garcia motored his BMW north on snow-slick I-35, police say he fired a stolen gun, without provocation, into the passenger door of a pickup truck that was passing him on the left. The Minneapolis Star Tribune reported he then veered into the median ditch. Luckily for him, a state trooper was close by and stopped. Garcia, who had stuffed the loaded gun in his front pocket, was arrested; in his car, officers found a shoebox with $11,481 in cash. He was charged with second-degree assault, drive-by shooting and being a felon in possession of a firearm. [Minneapolis Star-Tribune, 3/4/2019]

Recurring Theme

Mark Anthony Jones, 46, of Marion, Indiana, is probably in the market for a nice holster after his experience on Feb. 28. Jones told police he was walking along a riverside trail in Marion early that morning when his firearm began to slip from his waistband. As he reached to adjust it, the gun discharged and, according to the police report, "The bullet entered just above his penis and exited his scrotum." WISH-TV reported that Jones did not have a license for the Hi-Point 9mm weapon. Grant County prosecutors were considering whether to charge him with any crimes. [WISH-TV, 3/4/2019]

Drinkin' and Shootin'

Ah, the pregnant possibilities of combining alcohol and firearms. In Warren County, Virginia, Mariah Smith, 38, of Arlington, and another woman were enjoying a quiet horse ride through a cemetery in Middletown on the evening of March 2, reported NBC4. But when they were asked to remove their horses from the cemetery grounds, Smith fired her .38 Smith and Wesson pistol, according to Warren County sheriff's officers who responded to a call there. Deputies found the women nearby and charged Smith with three firearms charges, including possessing a concealed firearm while under the influence. [NBC4, 3/4/2019]

Pastor Alph Lukau of Alleluia International Ministries in Johannesburg, South Africa, is facing lawsuits after a stunt in which he appeared to resurrect a dead man on Feb. 24. Sowetan News reported that a video of the incident shows Lukau placing his hands on the man's stomach as he lay in the coffin, when suddenly the man, identified as Elliott, begins to gasp for air and sits up. "Can you see what happened?" Lukau exclaims in the video. "This man died since Friday, he was in the mortuary. ... Devil, I told you wherever I find you I will kick you." Pastor Rochelle Kombou said the hearse driver heard noises coming from the coffin and ran away as soon as they arrived at the church. "I was screaming," she said. "I saw his tongue moving. ... The man of God completed the miracle by praying because prayer is the key." The lawsuits, meanwhile, stem from the misrepresentation of the situation to three funeral parlors, whose services were sought by church officials; a coffin was bought from one and the hearse was hired from another. Prince Mafu, who is representing the funeral homes, said the matter had been reported to the Jeppe police station for further investigation. [Sowetan News, 2/26/2019]

Least Competent Criminal

Christopher Thomas Knox, 37, of Hillsboro, Oregon, thought he was just calling for help when his car became stuck in the snow in Clatsop State Forest on Feb. 15. He didn't count on Clatsop County sheriff's deputies putting two and two together: In the car with Knox was a 13-year-old girl from King County, Washington. He initially introduced her to responding officers as his daughter, but they quickly determined the minor had been lured from her home. The Oregonian reported that Knox had started an online relationship with the girl's mother, and the girl left home without her parents' knowledge or consent. Along the way, Knox allegedly sexually abused her twice, according to the sheriff's office. Knox was arrested for attempted second-degree rape and first-degree custodial interference. [Oregonian, 2/19/2019]

People With Issues

Volleyball players at the University of Kansas had reported to Lawrence, Kansas, police a number of break-ins over 2017 and 2018, but it was the list of missing items that was most puzzling: swimsuit bottoms, socks, shoes -- and many pairs of underwear. After a spring break 2018 incident, police got a lead in the case: Surveillance video captured a suspect vehicle that had a dealership sticker in the window. The Lawrence Journal-World reported that officers worked with the local dealership, which had loaned the car to Skyler N. Yee, 23, while his own car was being serviced. Yee, a volunteer assistant volleyball coach since 2016, was arrested and charged with 15 counts of burglary, property damage and theft after police searched his home in early February, where they found a 40-drawer plastic storage container full of women's underwear, with each drawer labeled with a player's name; six other containers with underwear; and bags containing pink high heels, boots, a sundress and a jumpsuit that victims had reported missing, along with jewelry, sex toys and other items. Yee resigned from his position in mid-January; KU Athletics spokesman Jim Marchiony said, "We have taken precautions to ensure that he is not permitted to be anywhere near the volleyball program." [Lawrence Journal-World, 2/20/2019]

Bright Ideas

-- Smartmouth Brewing Co. in Norfolk, Virginia, launched a new "magically ridiculous" beer on March 2: Saturday Morning, a limited-edition IPA -- with marshmallows. Chris Neikirk, brewery spokesperson, told USA Today the beer is "brewed with in-house toasted marshmallows and bulk dehydrated marshmallow bits. ... It has a soft pillowy body with a slight cereal taste." Smartmouth hopes the beer evokes "nostalgia in adults who remember when ... Saturday mornings were a time that you sat around watching cartoons and playing games," Neikirk added, while warning that the brewery is "not marketing to children." [USA Today, 2/26/2019]

-- If you're looking for a creepy weekend getaway, The Gas Station along Texas Highway 304 near Bastrop now offers overnight stays. Why, you say? The old filling station was the setting for the 1974 film "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre." The Gas Station opened as a restaurant in 2016, serving barbecue and souvenir merchandise to film buffs. Manager Ben Hughes said the Coke machine in the movie is the same one that's now in the restaurant, and they have a van parked outside that's an exact replica of the one in the film. Now, he tells KVUE TV, fans can stay in one of four mini-cabins right behind the restaurant. But Hughes promises the staff won't try to scare you: "We want to make sure that everybody that comes out has a good time ... not just freakin' out or anything like that." [KVUE TV, 2/23/2019]

Unclear on the Concept

On Feb. 13, Nina Harris of Kentucky told her husband, Allan, that she wanted tulips for Valentine's Day. As she explains it: "He wasn't paying attention. He just said, 'Yes, I know.' When I got up, I had my first cup of coffee, and he said, 'Oh, your turnips are here.' And I said, 'Turnips?!'" Nina told WPVI TV. Allan's story is slightly sweeter: "I ... put the turnips in the bucket that says 'I Love You' on it," he said. "I went in there, got her coffee -- and here you go!" Allan, who admitted he wasn't really listening when Nina requested tulips, later made it up to her by getting her the flowers AND candy and balloons. [WPVI, 2/20/2019]

Wait, What?

Filipino medicine man Angelito Oreta, 55, has an unusual method of protecting himself and his home from thieves and attackers. He and his followers raid fresh graves near Manila to steal the kneecaps from corpses. Oreta uses a scalpel to remove the patella, then soaks the bone in coconut oil for several days to dissolve the skin. Once dried, the bones can be found scattered around his home or worn around his neck. "The benefit that the guardian angels from the patellas will bring is that they will help your livelihood," Oreta explained to Metro News. "The kneecaps are used for protection. Or they also work as a shield." Oreta gifts the bones to his trusted friends and followers. [Metro News, 2/21/2019]

Rude

Detective Constable Claire Fitzpatrick is no shrinking violet, evidenced by the fact that she's in danger of losing her job at the village police station in Bedwas, South Wales, England. The 44-year-old says her inappropriate language and habit of audibly breaking wind are just part of the "culture of banter" at the station, but she faces 25 counts of inappropriate behavior, including: farting outside her sergeant's office, using the C-word with a suspect, and propositioning a junior officer (asking if he wanted an affair with a "fatter, ugly, older woman"). DC Fitzpatrick told Metro News that swearing is "just the nature of the place" and she had replaced the F-word with the C-word as her word of choice. However, she appeared to have regrets about her actions, calling them "stupid." [Metro News, 2/26/2019]

Ewwwww!

Silence of the Lambs, indeed. A Manchester, England, woman named Joan has a unique project in mind for a custom clothing designer. It seems Joan, 55, is anticipating having her leg amputated because of peripheral arterial disease, reported the Daily Mail, so she posted on Sewport.com, requesting help to "create something beautiful and useful" -- a handbag, using her own skin. She has budgeted about $3,900 for the project, which she envisions as a "medium-sized handbag with a short strap and a section down the middle that will be made from my skin," she explained in the post. "I know it's a bit odd and gross ... but it's my leg, and I can't bear the thought of it being left to rot somewhere." There are no laws against her keeping the limb, although there is paperwork to fill out. Boris Hodakel, the founder of Sewport.com, reports that no designers have come forward yet to help with Joan's request. [Daily Mail, 2/20/2019]

Zen TV painter Bob Ross has been gone for 24 years, but his inspiration lives on -- at least at Madison Middle School in Abilene, Texas, where on Feb. 7, students in Brady Sloane's art class donned curly brown wigs, blue shirts and paint palettes for a "Flash Bob Flash Mob." Sloane's pre-Advanced Placement students were stressed about grades and projects, and she "wanted to find a way to reward them," she told the Abilene Reporter News. The students used music stands as makeshift easels, where they painted "happy little trees" and projected an episode of "The Joy of Painting" as parents memorialized the special day with photos and videos. [Abilene Reporter News, 2/7/2019]

Hangry

Asalene Branch, 29, was only defending her spot in a McDonald's drive-thru lane on Feb. 18 when she stabbed another woman in the head. Fox News reported that Branch and the other woman were waiting at a Memphis restaurant when a physical fight broke out over their places in the line; Branch took out a knife and assaulted the alleged victim, resulting in injuries that were not life-threatening. Branch was tracked down by police and charged with aggravated assault. [Fox News, 2/19/2019]

The Foreign Press

Valentine's Day is complicated in Japan. On Feb. 14, women traditionally give men chocolates: "giri choco," or "obligation chocolates," to their male colleagues, and "honmei choco," or "true feelings chocolate," to their boyfriends or husbands. (Men return the favor on White Day, March 14.) But according to Japan Today, Japanese women are rebelling against giri choco; 40 percent of workers see the custom "as a form of power harassment," and some companies have banned the practice. Women find giving chocolates to associates stressful: "Before the office ban, we had to worry about things like how much is appropriate to spend on each chocolate and where we draw the line in who we give the chocolates to," said one worker. [Japan Today, 2/5/2019]

People Different From Us

Looking for a new home? A newly listed suburban Philadelphia home offers something a little sideways from your typical basement rumpus room. The five-bedroom, 2 1/2-bath brick colonial in Maple Glen has three fireplaces, a gourmet kitchen -- and a sex basement. The finished lower level includes a bed-in-a-cage, complete with straps, whips and other accouterment for any buyer's "50 Shades of Grey" fantasies. Realtor Melissa Leonard stresses, however, that the basement "can be converted back to a typical suburban basement." Neighbors are shocked to find out what's been going on in their 'hood, but "I know it's a way of life for people," Leonard told Slate magazine. [Slate, 2/8/2019]

Government in Action

You think things are wild in the U.S. Congress? In Albania, Edi Paloka, an opposition lawmaker, was asked to leave the parliament hall on Feb. 14 and suspended for 10 days after throwing ink at Socialist Prime Minister Edi Rama. It all started when Rama scolded a fellow lawmaker for making accusations of corruption against the leftist government, according to Xinhua. A statement from the center-right Democratic party explained, "The action of ink-throwing is a rejection of the bullying exerted by the PM, which is witnessed by the public opinion." Apparently, Rama had repeatedly mocked Paloka during previous sessions of parliament. [Xinhua, 2/14/2019]

The Weirdo-American Community

A dispute over a box of Cheez-Its provoked a DeKalb County, Georgia, man to do the unthinkable on Feb. 12. As Jeremy Lamar Wyatt, 32, his brother and 61-year-old mother argued over the salty snacks, Wyatt went outside, locked his family inside the home, poured gasoline on the front steps and started a fire, according to WGCL-TV. Wyatt's brother was able to lower the mother down from a second-story window, and both escaped without injury. Wyatt, who had reportedly been enjoying some adult beverages with his Cheez-Its, was taken into custody at the scene and charged with arson and criminal damage to property. [WGCL, 2/13/2019]

News That Sounds Like a Joke

At Towson University in Maryland, an unidentified woman was reported wandering around campus just before Valentine's Day, showing coeds a photo of her son and asking if they'd like to go on a date with him. Awkward! The woman, thought to be in her 50s, staked out the Cook Library and the Center for the Arts in hopes of securing a love connection for her son, reported the Baltimore Sun. Towson police are hoping to identify her, not so they can arrest her, but to ask her to stop. [Baltimore Sun, 2/10/2019]

Least Competent Criminals

-- The moral of the story? If you're going to rob a bank in February, target Florida or Texas. Jason Mackenrodt, 37, was making his getaway after robbing the Bangor Savings Bank in Waterville, Maine, on Feb. 12. He scrambled across four lanes of traffic and into a restaurant parking lot -- where he slipped on the ice and sprawled on the ground, right in front of Maine State Police Special Agent Glenn Lang, who was sitting in his parked car. Lang didn't know the bank had been robbed, but he became suspicious when "the money and the gun he had stashed in his jacket pocket spilled onto the parking lot," Police Chief Joseph Massey told the Morning Sentinel. (The weapon turned out to be a BB gun.) Lang tackled Mackenrodt and took him into custody as police were responding at the bank. Mackenrodt was charged with robbery and terrorizing. [Morning Sentinel, 2/12/2019]

-- On Jan. 31, Julian R. Mitchell, 20, tried to use a debit card from a wallet he had stolen at a Nashville, Tennessee, bar, according to WZTV. But a fraud alert tipped off bar employees that the card had been lost or stolen, so they asked for photo ID. Mitchell fished out the Tennessee driver's license from the wallet, which, according to the Davidson County arrest affidavit, made it "plainly obvious" that the photo was not of him because of the difference in height. Mitchell, who strangely resembles a Ken doll, with blond hair, a red beard and black eyebrows, was charged with identity theft; officers found several other cards belonging to the same victim in the wallet. [Atlanta Journal-Constitution, 2/2/2019]

The Continuing Crisis

Passengers on an 12-hour Air France flight on Feb. 18 became alarmed when a man seated in the bulkhead row boarded the plane, then removed his pants and socks, settling into his seat in just his boxers and a T-shirt. Sitting across the aisle from him, passenger Lizzie Thompson took photos and posted on Twitter throughout the flight, reported The Sun. "Alerted the flight attendant. He offered to move me ... but just shrugged when I suggested he ask the man to put his pants back on," she wrote. Thompson also wrote that six hours into the flight from Paris to Los Angeles, the scantily clad passenger got cold, "so PUT ON HIS PUFFY JACKET." The man put his pants and socks back on after landing, much to Thompson's relief. "Nothing bonds a group of passengers like a man half naked in your section," Thompson wrote. [The Sun, 2/19/2019]

The Meth Made Me Do It

In Seattle, Douglas Braden Smyser, 21, boarded a plane on Feb. 13 on his way to Los Angeles and a drug rehab center in Malibu, but his behavior during the flight finally caused the pilot to land in Portland and have him removed from the plane. Smyser, from Bonney Lake, Washington, would not stay in his seat, tried to sit in first class and threw his backpack in the aisle. Passengers helped contain him until the plane could land safely. Smyser admitted later that he had eaten meth before boarding, which made him "suspicious and paranoid," reported KIRO TV. He also claimed to have a gun. He was charged with second-degree disorderly conduct and menacing, along with a federal charge of interference with a flight crew. [KIRO, 2/19/2019]