In January, Amanda Sparrow Large, 46, of Belfast, Ireland, stretched the May-December union to new lengths when she wed a 300-year-old ghost of a Haitian pirate. "I wanted the big traditional wedding with the white dress. It was very important to me," she told the Irish Mirror. Large said that "Jack," who was executed for thieving on the high seas, became known to her one night in 2014, when she felt the energy of a spirit next to her while lying in bed. Large has worked as a Jack Sparrow (of the "Pirates of the Caribbean" movies) impersonator, and she believes her job opened the door for her spirit-husband to reach out to her. Alas, the Mirror reported on Dec. 8, things didn't work out for the odd couple: "I will explain all in due course," Large wrote on social media, "but for now all I want to say is be VERY careful when dabbling in spirituality. It's not something to mess with." [Irish Mirror, 12/8/2018]

Scrooge Visited by Ghost of Lunches Past

The Cranston (Rhode Island) School District is taking its response to delinquent school lunch accounts up a notch, reported WJAR TV on Dec. 6. District COO Raymond Votto Jr. sent a letter to parents notifying them that a collection agency will be contacting those with lunch overdrafts starting on Jan. 2 and noted that the current deficit is almost $46,000. "The district lunch program cannot continue to lose revenue," Votto wrote. The letter specified that students will continue to receive food regardless of whether their account is in arrears. Families with unpaid charges of more than $20 will be notified by mail, which the district called a softer approach. [WJAR, 12/6/2018]

Unclear on the Concept

-- Dominick Breedlove of Spring Hill, Florida, doomed his chances of landing a job at Kohl's on Dec. 5, reported Fox 13 News, by getting arrested for shoplifting after his interview. Breedlove arrived for his appointment with Human Resources around 3:20 that afternoon, Hernando County Sheriff's deputies said, and afterward stopped to browse in the shoe department. A loss prevention officer watching Breedlove told police the suspect went outside to his car, retrieved a Kohl's shopping bag and returned to the store, where he stashed two pairs of Nike athletic shoes worth $150 in the bag. Breedlove was charged with shoplifting, and the sheriff's office confirmed he was not hired. [Fox 13 News, 12/6/2018]

-- A Michigan bank robber failed to appear at his sentencing hearing on Dec. 6 in Macomb County Circuit Court because he was cooling his heels in Toledo, Ohio, after being arrested in connection with another bank robbery. Paul Carta, 45, pleaded guilty in October to robbing a bank in May in Utica, Michigan, and was due in court on the 6th, Newsweek reported. But on the 5th, the Toledo Police Department said, Carta entered a Toledo bank and handed a clerk a note demanding money and warning that he was armed. The bank employee gave Carta an undisclosed amount of money, and he fled the bank. Toledo police took him into custody 11 minutes later at a Taco Bell drive-thru nearby. He was held in Toledo on $50,000 bond. [Newsweek, 12/7/2018]

Weird Science

Scientists are likening the strange occurrence of eels getting stuck in monk seals' nostrils to "one of those teenage trends," according to The Washington Post. Charles Littnan, lead scientist of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration's Hawaiian Monk Seal Research Program, posited, "One juvenile seal did this very stupid thing, and now the others are trying to mimic it," but he and other scientists are stumped about the phenomenon. Hypotheses suggest that the eels jet up the nostrils as seals poke their faces into eels' hiding spots, or seals regurgitate the eels and they exit through the nose. Over the last two years, three or four incidences have been reported, all with good outcomes -- for the seals. No eels have survived. [Washington Post, 12/7/2018]

Sweet Revenge

Ted Pelkey of Westford, Vermont, has been battling the Westford Development Review Board for months over his proposal to erect a building on his property for his truck repair and monofilament recycling business. But he told WCAX News that the city keeps putting up barriers to the development, so Pelkey has instead installed a message to the board and the people of Westford: a giant sculpture of a fist with the middle finger raised. "It's very big. Everybody got the message," said Fairfax resident Carol Jordan. Pelkey, who spent $4,000 on the public rebuke, said he hopes the citizens of Westford will take a "really long look at the people who are running their town." In the meantime, the select board told WCAX that because the sculpture is considered public art, they can take no action against it. [WCAX News, 12/4/2018]

Bromance

Anthony Akers, 38, and the Richland (Washington) Police Department embarked on an amusing meet-cute of law and fugitive on Nov. 28 when the department posted a wanted photo of Akers on its Facebook page. Five hours after the posting, National Public Radio reported, Akers responded with: "Calm down, i'm going to turn myself in." When Akers was a no-show, the department messaged him the next day: "Hey Anthony! We haven't seen you yet." Officers even offered him a ride. But Akers couldn't be bothered: "Thank you, tying up a couple loose ends since i will probably be in there for a month." He promised to surrender within 48 hours. When the weekend passed without any sign of Akers, officers wrote: "Is it us? We waited but you didn't show." To which Akers replied: "Dear RPD, it's not you, it's me. I obviously have commitment issues. ... P.S. You're beautiful." Finally, on Dec. 4, Akers arrived at the Richland police station, posting a selfie with the caption: "Thank you RPD for letting me do this on my own." Aww, ain't love grand? [NPR, 12/7/2018]

Around the Bend

Science teacher Margaret Gieszinger, 52, at University Preparatory High School in Visalia, California, was captured on video chopping off students' hair with scissors on Dec. 5, while loudly, and incorrectly, singing "The Star-Spangled Banner." The Visalia Times-Delta described the video showing Gieszinger starting with a male student seated in a chair at the front of the room as she cuts portions of his hair and tosses them behind her. When she moved on to a female student, other teenagers started screaming and ran out of the classroom. Lilli Gates, one of Gieszinger's students, told the Times-Delta the teacher "is a loving and kind lady. She is usually all smiles and laughs. This is not the Miss G. we know and love." After Gieszinger's arrest on suspicion of felony child endangerment, the district notified parents that she would not be returning to the classroom. [Visalia Times Delta, 12/6/2018]

Ewwwww!

A man identified only as Leo visiting Miami for Art Basel, a contemporary art show, over the weekend of Dec. 8 got an unwelcome extra in his Uber Eats delivery. He had ordered some Japanese food using the app, but when the driver handed Leo his food bag, "she took off running," Leo told WPLG TV, which he thought was odd. Odder was what he found along with the food he had ordered: a pair of thigh-length underwear, stained with what appeared to be human feces. Leo contacted Uber, the restaurant and the police, but all three said they couldn't help him. "Disgusting, unhealthful, it's potentially deadly," Leo told WPLG. Uber later said the driver had been removed from the app pending investigation, and Leo was provided a full refund. [WPLG, 12/10/2018]

The Litigious Society

When Stephen Keys boarded a SkyWest flight in Reno, Nevada, on Sept. 9, he settled into his first-class seat and reached to buckle his seat belt. But when he raised the right armrest for better access, his right pinky finger became lodged in a small hole under the armrest, according to the lawsuit he filed against American Airlines and SkyWest on Dec. 5. Keys tried repeatedly to remove his finger but could not, and it remained stuck for nearly an hour until the flight landed and airline mechanics disassembled the armrest, reported City News Service. "The spring mechanism ... applied intense pressure to the plaintiff's finger, immediately inflicting injury, swelling and pain," the lawsuit read. "Dozens of passengers became aware of Mr. Keys' perilous condition, causing his dire situation to become a humiliating public spectacle." What's more, the injury left Mr. Keys unable to drive and play with his children, causing severe emotional distress, according to the lawsuit. SkyWest, citing ongoing litigation, would not comment on the suit. [City News Service via KNTV, 12/11/2018]

John Stevenson of Inverclyde, Scotland, hit a bump in his plans to vacation in the United States on Dec. 3 when his visa was denied after he declared himself a terrorist while filling out a Department of Homeland Security online form commonly known as ESTA. One of the questions on the form asks, "Are you a terrorist?" Stevenson, 70, told The Independent that the website "must have jumped from No to Yes without me knowing," adding that the site kept timing out and crashing as he and his wife, Marion, tried to answer the questions. "I even called the border control in the U.S. and gave them my passport details," he said. "They looked up my ESTA number and said, 'You're a terrorist.' The only time I've been in court was for jury service. Marion is sick about it. ... I don't know why that question is on the form in the first place." (UPDATE: United Airlines refunded the Stevensons' airline tickets and gifted them two free flights to New York once their visa troubles are all worked out.) [The Independent, 12/1/2018]

Armed and Clumsy

A shopper at a Buckeye, Arizona, Walmart was in the meat department on Nov. 27 when his semiautomatic handgun, which he had positioned for a quick draw in the waistband of his sweatpants, began to slip. As he tried to reposition it, he told Buckeye police, it discharged, striking the gunslinger in his privacies. AZCentral reported the unnamed shopper was taken to the hospital with minor injuries, and no one else was hurt. However, police did file a charge of unlawful discharge of a firearm. [AZCentral, 11/28/2018]

Least Competent Criminals

-- A successful heist at an electronics retail store requires careful planning and attention to detail -- a fact that appears to have escaped three men in North Raleigh, North Carolina, on Nov. 12. That night, the News and Observer reported, an employee of the store called 911 to report that three men had entered the store with semi-automatic weapons and ordered workers into the stockroom. One of them was carrying a cardboard box, officers learned, which he used to load up mobile phones and smart watches. The men also filled two crates with merchandise, which totaled more than $26,000. When the robbers left through the back door, they took the crates with them, but forgot the cardboard box which, serendipitously, sported a shipping label with an address on it. Police used the address, along with a mug shot from a previous crime that matched an image in the store's surveillance video, to track down Brian Lamonte Clark, 22, and arrest him for robbery with a dangerous weapon and conspiracy to commit robbery. [Raleigh News and Observer, 11/30/2018]

-- The Lucardo Escape Rooms in Manchester, England, were the site of a misguided break-in on Nov. 29 when two thieves ransacked a fake bank vault as if it were the real thing. The Manchester Evening News reported that more than 50 surveillance cameras captured the duo's antics as they broke into fake safes and opened drawers that held only puzzles. "They must be Manchester's stupidest burglars," said Lucardo director Ian Pownall, 26. The business lost about 100 pounds in cash, but damage amounted to about 1,000 pounds -- not to mention lost revenue while the business cleans up. "We're a small, family-owned business, so even a couple of thousand pounds will have an effect on us, particularly before Christmas," Pownall said. [Manchester Evening News, 11/29/2018]

'Scuuuuse Me!

-- At the Grand Slam of Darts in Wolverhampton, England, there was more in the air than just the sharp projectiles tossed by competitors on Nov. 16. According to Reuters, former two-time champion Gary Anderson, 47, from Scotland, prevailed over Wesley Harms, 34, from the Netherlands to reach the quarter finals, but Harms had a gripe: He said he was affected by the "fragrant smell" Anderson had emitted as they played. "It'll take me two nights to lose this smell from my nose," Harms told a Dutch television station. Anderson objected, saying the smell came "from the table side," laying the blame on spectators. "If the boy thinks I've farted he's 1,010 percent wrong," Anderson declared. "If somebody has done that they need to see a doctor. ... He says it was me, but I would admit it." [Reuters, 11/17/2018]

-- Shanetta Yvette Wilson, 37, was standing in line at a Dollar General store in Dania Beach, Florida, on Nov. 25 when the urge struck and she let one rip. John Walker, who was standing nearby, was offended and complained about "the defendant farting loudly," according to the resulting Broward Sheriff's office complaint, so Wilson pulled out a small folding knife, opened it and threatened to "gut" Walker as she moved toward him. The Miami Herald reported that police called to the scene tracked down Wilson and charged her with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon without intent to kill. [Miami Herald, 12/1/2018]

Government in Action

Yoshitaka Sakurada, 68, a 22-year member of Japan's parliament, was named by Prime Minister Shinzo Abe in October to two new posts: cybersecurity and Olympics minister for the country. But according to Reuters, at a committee meeting on Nov. 14, when a member of the opposition asked Sakurada a "gotcha" question about his computer literacy, he admitted: "I've never used a computer! ... I've always directed my staff and secretaries to do that kind of thing." He assured the lawmaker there would be no problems. Mmm-hmm. [Reuters, 11/14/2018]

Update

In The Hague, Netherlands, motivational speaker Emile Ratelband, 69, will not turn 50 on his next birthday, as he had hoped. As reported earlier, Ratelband petitioned the court in November for an age change, saying he feels discriminated against both in the career realm and on Tinder. But the Associated Press reported that on Dec. 3, a Dutch court rejected his plea to become 49, saying he did not convince judges that he had been discriminated against and that "Mr. Ratelband is at liberty to feel 20 years younger than his real age and to act accordingly," but noting that changing his age would nullify any number of records from public registers. Ratelband hopes to appeal. [Associated Press, 12/3/2018]

Scrooged

An unnamed substitute teacher in Montville, New Jersey, won't be returning to Cedar Hill School after revealing a sacred secret to first-grade students there on Nov. 29. Superintendent Rene Rovtar told NJ.com that the sub got into a debate with a student about whether Santa is real. That's when the 6-year-olds started quizzing her about the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy and Elf on a Shelf, and the teacher "proceeded to debunk all of it," Rovtar said. Parents reported doing "damage control" after the kids returned home from school, and the sub is no longer welcome in the district. [NJ.com, 12/4/2018]

But, Cheesecake!

Things got "a little hectic" in Clarendon, Virginia, on Dec. 5 when an unexpectedly large number of delivery drivers convened at the Cheesecake Factory in response to a 40th anniversary promotion offering free cheesecake slices. The sweet treats were available only to those who ordered on DoorDash, ARLnow.com reported, and a crowd of delivery drivers double-parked outside and jostled for position inside the restaurant as they picked up orders. Arlington County police and medics responded to reports of fights and disorderly conduct, resulting in one arrest but no apparent injuries. [ARLnow.com, 12/5/2018]

LOL

The animal rights group PETA launched a new campaign Dec. 4 designed to remove some common animal-related idioms from the English language. CBS News reports the group tweeted suggested alterations to phrases it says are verbal vestiges of "speciesism" and perpetuate harmful messages. PETA offers these alternatives: For "bring home the bacon," try "bring home the bagels." "Take the bull by the horns" should be "take the flower by the thorns." And "kill two birds with one stone" morphs into "feed two birds with one scone." PETA likened the use of the original phrases to racist and homophobic language: "Phrases that trivialize cruelty to animals will vanish as more people begin to appreciate animals for who they are." Reaction on social media was swift. Maybe PETA should have let sleeping bags lie. [CBS News, 12/5/2018]

Akihiko Kondo, 35, of Tokyo, spent $18,000 on a Nov. 4 wedding ceremony to marry the love of his life, Hatsune Miku -- a computer-generated hologram with big eyes and long, turquoise hair. Kondo told Reuters he found Hatsune Miku, who has thousands of fans around the world, singing on the internet. The wedding ceremony included traditions such as the exchange of rings (hers was placed on the finger of a stuffed doll created in her image) and friends and relatives in attendance, although Kondo's parents did not attend. "I believe the shape of happiness and love is different for each person," Kondo said. [Reuters, 11/14/2018]

Christmas Comes Early

A Bank of America ATM in Houston was the scene of a near-riot on Nov. 25 when it began dispensing $100 bills instead of $10s, reported Click2Houston. After the first lucky driver posted his score on social media, a crowd showed up and stood in line, with a few fights and arguments breaking out over about two hours, until police were summoned and the free money was shut down. Bank of America released a statement the next day that would have galled Ebenezer Scrooge: "Customers will be able to keep the money dispensed." Turns out the blame lay with a vendor who incorrectly loaded $100 bills into the $10 slot. There was no report of how much money was withdrawn. [Click2Houston, 11/26/2018]

Least Competent Criminals

-- Richard Robert Langely, 46, of Kansas City, Missouri, was working part time for the Platte Woods Police Department in October when he decided to take part in the department's drug take-back program. Except, according to court documents, Langely wasn't disposing of drugs; he was helping himself to pills that had been collected in Lake Waukomis. And to make matters worse, the Kansas City Star reported, his own body camera captured evidence enabling prosecutors to charge him with felony theft of a controlled substance. Langely is scheduled to appear in court on Dec. 10. [Kansas City Star, 11/26/2018]

-- Wesley Glenn Bost, 27, of Birmingham, Alabama, made quite the impression when he fell through the ceiling of a Waffle House in Tuscumbia on Nov. 4, not least because he wasn't wearing pants. Bost apparently went into the restaurant's bathroom and used his pants to tie the door shut, then, said Tuscumbia police Detective Sgt. Wes Holland, climbed into the ceiling with the intent of robbing the office. WHNT News reported that video of the incident shows Bost shoving other restaurant patrons on his way to the door, which was being held shut by people outside, before hitting the door with his shoulder and falling to the floor. Finally he managed to flee ... without his trousers ... which held his driver's license. [WHNT, 11/6/2018]

Compelling Explanations

It happens all the time: A vehicle crashes into a building, causing damage and sometimes injury, because brakes don't function or a driver steps on the wrong pedal. In the case of Keith Rio Cavalier, 28, however, there was more to the story. WLOX reported that Cavalier drove his 1997 Toyota Tacoma into a glass wall at the Harrison County courthouse in Gulfport, Mississippi, on Nov. 10 at around 6 a.m. The building was empty, so there were no injuries, and Cavalier can be clearly seen on surveillance video climbing out of the truck and leaving the scene. When police caught up to him, Cavalier told them he intentionally struck the building in order to report drug paraphernalia had been stolen from him. It will come as no surprise that Cavalier was found to have been driving under the influence and arrested; he was held at the county jail on $25,000 bond. [WLOX via WBTV, 11/10/2018]

Picky, Picky

A referee in a Women's Super League soccer match in Manchester City, England, stayed cool at the start of the televised game on Oct. 26 when he realized he'd forgotten his coin for the kickoff coin toss. Thinking quickly, David McNamara had the captains of the Manchester City and Reading teams play "Rock, Paper, Scissors" instead. But the Football Association, soccer's governing body in England, was unamused, and on Nov. 26, McNamara began a 21-day suspension after accepting a charge of "not acting in the best interests of the game," according to the BBC. An FA refereeing manager said: "He should have been more prepared. ... It's very unprofessional." [BBC, 11/13/2018]

What Is Fame?

Former Toronto Blue Jays star Jose Bautista has another honor to add to his resume, thanks to entomologist Bob Anderson of the Canadian Museum of Nature. On Nov. 22, reported the Associated Press, Anderson named a newly discovered species of beetle after the star third baseman and right fielder. Sicoderus bautistai is a small black weevil found in the Dominican Republic, where Bautista hails from. "I thought what a great way to kind of recognize (Bautista's) contributions to Blue Jays baseball and to Canadian baseball, really, as a whole," said Anderson. The scientist has named about 120 weevils over his career. [Associated Press, 11/22/2018]

Awesome!

-- Katherine Leigh Mehta, 26, of Arlington, Texas, accepted a gig to photograph a wedding at The Springs Event Venue in Weatherford on Nov. 24. But she became the star of the show when wedding guests discovered her having sex with another guest in a room at the venue, according to WSRZ Radio. A security guard summoned Parker County Sheriff's deputies, who found Mehta yelling by a fountain on the property, according to their report. She then walked to a tree and urinated. While she waited in the back of the patrol car, Mehta screamed: "Y'all families will be dead by Christmas. Y'alls daughters are dead. My dad is going to find out about this, and y'all are ... dead. D-E-A-D." At the jail, officers found a bottle of anxiety pills, which they believe she mixed with alcohol, causing her erratic behavior. She faces charges of public intoxication and obstruction/retaliation. [WSRZ, 11/27/2018]

-- All good things must come to an end, and so it seems for Robert Craig Davis, 70, of Key Largo, Florida. Drivers in South Florida had reported seeing a Chrysler Pacifica minivan rigged with a clever device that lowered a black cloth over its license plate each time it drove through an automated toll plaza. But on Nov. 17, according to FLKeysNews.com, an off-duty Florida highway patrolman spotted the vehicle as it passed through the Bird Road toll plaza and he alerted his fellow troopers. Sgt. Carlos Vanegas soon stopped Davis, according to the arrest report, and found a remote control device used to operate the license plate cover. "The actions of the defendant showed an ongoing course of conduct with intent to defraud the SunPass toll system," trooper Dennis Gallo wrote in his report. Davis was charged with organized fraud and petit theft. [FLKeysNews.com, 11/24/2018]

Crime Report

Suspected car prowler Isaiah John Gellatly, 31, of Vancouver, Washington, was going about his business late on Nov. 19 when Happy Valley police were called, according to Fox12 News. Responding officers found Gellatly lying fully reclined in the driver's seat of a Honda Accord matching the suspect vehicle's description. Suddenly Gellatly sat up and sped away, leading to a pursuit and the use of spike strips. As his ability to control the car decreased, police said, Gellatly opened his door to flee, but forgot to put the Honda in park, so it rolled alongside him as he ran. Eventually he tried to run in front of it, as the car hit a tree, a building -- and Gellatly, breaking one of his legs. Suspected stolen items found in the car included a tennis racket, a Ping-Pong paddle and a Texas Instruments calculator, begging the question: Was it worth a broken leg? [Fox 12 News, 11/21/2018]