You may have seen the widely distributed weird news story about the Mad Pooper, a woman who has been seen defecating on lawns in Colorado Springs, Colorado. According to KRDO.com, on Sept. 25, an unidentified man claiming to be a spokesman for the Pooper posted (and has since removed) two videos in which he tried to justify her movements and win sympathy for her. In the videos, the spokesman says the unidentified Pooper is not responsible for her actions because she has suffered a traumatic brain injury and has had gender reassignment surgery, leaving her unable to control herself. He also claims her actions are protected by the First Amendment, in response to which Colorado Springs attorney Jeremy Loew called foul: "Defecating in someone's yard is definitely not protected under the First Amendment and it is actually a crime." Loew went on: "People all over the world are talking about this, and police will catch her." [KRDO.com, 9/25/2017]

What's in a Name?

Death Wish Coffee -- a cold-brewed, canned coffee the company touts as "fiercely caffeinated" (as much as 4 1/2 times more caffeine per fluid ounce than regular coffee), with a skull and crossbones logo -- recalled its 11-ounce cans on Sept. 20 because they could possibly contain the deadly toxin botulin. Company founder Mike Brown, 37, said no incidents have been reported, but he is very serious about the safety of his product. "I know our logo and name might not seem like it reflects that," Brown told The Washington Post. Production has been halted, and customers can request refunds from Death Wish's website. [The Washington Post, 9/22/2017]

People Different From Us

-- Mermaid Aries, 18, of Bromsgrove, Worcestershire, England, likes to wear her specially made mermaid tail when she swims at local pools. But the Dolphin Centre in Bromsgrove, under new management, has banned her from using the flipper because "they worry I might hit someone with my tail or might get into trouble in the water and drown," Aries (real name Leia Trigger) told the Worcester News on Sept. 22. "It is my ambition to become a professional mermaid that attends children's parties and other events. The only problem is that I have nowhere to swim." (UPDATE: After the story made headlines, the Perdiswell Leisure Centre stepped up. Aquatic development officer Vanessa Bale welcomed Aries to the pool, offering her "early mornings and late evenings." Aries is thrilled: "I am absolutely ecstatic. I never thought I'd be able to swim with my tail ever again.") [Worcester News, 9/22/2017, 10/2/2017]

-- An anonymous bidder in the United States has purchased a pair of Adolf Hitler's boxer-style underwear for about $6,700, according to auctioneer Bill Panagopoulos of Alexander Historical Auctions in Chesapeake City, Maryland. The drawers, with a size 39 waist and "A.H." embroidered on them, apparently were left in the Parkhotel Graz in Austria in 1938, Panagopulos told Metro News on Sept. 24. The seller was the grandson of the people who owned the hotel at that time. Panagopulos supposes the buyer will frame the underwear and hang them on a wall in his or her home: "It would be the most talked-about relic in the house." [Metro News, 9/24/2017]

The Farce Is Strong

A black-and-white photo depicting the signing of the Charter of the United Nations in San Francisco in 1945 has prompted the recall and reprinting of Saudi social studies textbooks because it pictures Saudi King Faisal seated next to the Jedi master Yoda. The photograph was created by 26-year-old Saudi artist Abdullah Al Shehri, who mixes pop culture icons into historic photographs. Shehri told The New York Times in September he inserted Yoda into the photo because he reminded him of the king. "He was wise and was always strong in his speeches," Shehri said. "I am the one who designed it, but I am not the one who put it in the book," he clarified. Saudi education minister Ahmed al-Eissa apologized for the mistake, but the mystery of how the photo got into the book remains unsolved. [The New York Times, 9/21/2017]

It's Good to Have Goals

Octogenarians Ray and Wilma Yoder of Goshen, Indiana, have finally achieved a goal they set nearly 40 years ago: to visit every Cracker Barrel location in the United States. On Aug. 31, they checked off the last of 645 stops in Tualatin, Oregon, where they each received a Four-Star apron, the company's highest honor. The Yoders once stopped at 10 Cracker Barrels in one day as they traveled up the East Coast. "I've always walked away feeling refreshed," Ray Yoder told ABC News. "For two old people, we're pretty fast moving." [ABC News, 7/26/2017; NPR, 9/3/2017]

Bright Ideas

-- The Detroit Red Wings' new promotion commemorates the Joe Louis Arena, where the team played until this year, when they're moving to a new rink. The Detroit News reported in September that fans who want to keep the old home ice close to their hearts and contribute to the team's foundation can buy a small vial of limited edition "melted ice" taken from the arena's surface (otherwise known as water) for $85. Only 3,000 vials have been produced; they are accompanied by a framed photo of The Joe. [The Detroit News, 9/20/2017]

-- Even Superman underwear couldn't protect Nathan French, 19, from Halewood, Merseyside, England, as he climbed to the top of the highest mountain in Wales, 3,600-foot Snowdon. French managed to hike to the summit on Sept. 9, but he quickly succumbed to the elements -- perhaps because he was wearing ONLY Superman underwear, shoes and gloves. French, who is studying sport, nutrition and health in college, told The Guardian, "It was when I was at the top I was shaking uncontrollably." He rode the Snowdon mountain railway back down, but fell ill on the train: "I started to go deaf and my sight started to go funny." Paramedics said his blood sugar had dropped and he was showing signs of hypothermia. Miles Hill of the Llanberis mountain rescue team noted, "We hope Mr. French is back in the mountains soon, perhaps in the full suit (cape optional), rather than just the underwear." [The Guardian, 9/18/2017]

-- And police in Cumbria County, England, responded on Sept. 23 to a call for help from 3,210-foot Scafell Pike (England's highest mountain), where four men ran into trouble while hiking. However, their problems didn't stem from dehydration or a painful fall. Instead, it seems the group had become "incapable of walking due to cannabis use," police told The Guardian. A police spokesperson wrote on Facebook: "Now having to deploy rescue, air support and ambulance to rescue them. Words fail us ..." Cumbria police superintendent Justin Bibby reminded hikers that "alcohol or any other substance that could impair your judgment ... has no place on a mountain." [The Guardian, 9/24/2017]

The Passing Parade

South Western Railway in England took over for South West Trains in August and in its first six weeks collected more than 10,000 items left behind on trains -- including an inflatable shark, an ironing board, a barrister's wig, false teeth, a leather chair and hundreds of jackets. The BBC reported that lost property manager Michael Pugh is beseeching riders to check their seats before leaving the train. While his staff works hard "to ensure passengers are reunited with their belongings," Pugh said, items can be kept for only three months. [BBC, 9/25/2017]

Crime Report

Apparently, even crime goes better with Coke! The manager at Rally's restaurant in Henderson, Kentucky, was busy preparing for the day's business on Sept. 25 when a man dressed in a Coca-Cola bottle costume robbed him at gunpoint, stealing more than $500. The Coke bottle then left the restaurant without hurting the manager and headed north in a gray minivan, according to WFIE-TV. [WFIE 14 News, 9/25/2017]

People With Issues

Timothy Bates, 37, of Collierville, Tennessee, was arrested on Sept. 24 by the Secret Service after being observed urinating at the corner of 17th and Pennsylvania Avenue NW, near the White House in Washington, D.C. WTOP-FM reported that Bates explained to the officers that he was headed to the White House, where he hoped to meet with National Security Agency Director Adm. Mike Rogers and Defense Secretary Gen. James Mattis to find out "how to get the dog chip out of my head." He explained that he is part of the MK Ultra project, managed by the CIA, and had chips implanted in his head that cause headaches, shaking and convulsions. Bates also told officers he had weapons in his car, which amounted to nine firearms, brass knuckles, a black jack and three knives. A former Memphis police officer, Bates has been involuntarily committed twice this year for mental health reasons. [WTOP-FM, 9/25/2017]

Ebony Woody, 34, of Columbus, Ohio, was nothing if not thorough on the morning of Sept. 18 when, following an argument with her daughter, she purposely drove her car onto the sidewalk and struck the 17-year-old, who was walking to school, according to Columbus police. After knocking the girl down and running over her leg, Woody stopped and backed up, driving over the leg a second time. QFM96 reported Woody generously gave the girl a ride to her father's house, where she dropped her off without reporting the incident. Woody later turned herself in at police headquarters and faces charges of felonious assault, aggravated vehicular assault and endangering children. The daughter was treated for two fractures to her left leg. [QFM96, 9/20/2017]

Animals on the Lam

-- Auburn, Massachusetts, police received a number of calls over the weekend of Sept. 15-17 about a wayward goat, but it wasn't until the wee hours of Monday, Sept. 18, that No. 448 was finally corralled at the La Quinta Inn in Auburn, reported CBS Boston. The "mischievous runaway farm animal" was seen on surveillance video entering the lobby of the hotel and wandering the halls, "presumably to rest a bit," said police. Peter Blash, No. 448's owner, said the goat jumped a 5-foot-high fence and "took off like a criminal." However, Blash said, "I had one that made it all the way to Sturbridge." [CBS Boston, 9/20/2017]

-- Just north of Benton, Kansas, a rancher posted signs promising a reward to anyone who could help him find his missing longhorn cow, Mercedes. The Wichita Eagle reported the 3-year-old black-and-white bovine went missing on Sept. 11 during Cross Trails, a weekly cowboy church service at Greg Johnson's Prairie Rose Ranch. Friends, neighbors and family have searched high and low for Mercedes, recognizable by her 5-foot-wide horns, but the only sighting of her has been near the El Dorado, Kansas, Walmart, about 10 miles away. Johnson says this isn't the first time she's run off: "She is more of a loner." [The Wichita Eagle, 9/19/2017]

Questionable Judgment

Coolidge, Arizona, resident Victor Pratt boasts that he's played with snakes his whole life. So when a rattlesnake slithered by during a family party at a nearby lake on Sept. 7, Pratt grabbed the viper and showed the kids "how to catch it and I was playing with it like little kids do. I wasn't thinking. I was showing off," he admitted to FOX 10 News. The rattler apparently didn't want to play along and bit Pratt on his face and neck. Pratt's sons quickly drove him to a nearby emergency room, and he was later airlifted to Banner-University Medical Center Phoenix, where Dr. Steven Curry treated him. "There is a 100 percent chance he would have died if he'd not made it to the hospital within minutes," Curry noted. Pratt remained unconscious for several days. He told reporters he had learned his lesson and would not play with rattlesnakes again. [FOX 10 News, 9/15/2017]

Oops!

-- A family in Coventry, England, are "quite mortified" after calling the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals in September to rescue a lizard peeking from underneath a bed in their home. But when officer Vic Hurr arrived at the home, she discovered the "lizard" was not a "lizard at all, it was a pink stripy sock." The dirty imposter sock, about 7 inches long and 2 inches wide, wasn't moving, Hurr noted. "I think the family eventually saw the funny side," an RSPCA spokeswoman told the Independent. "The sock had obviously been there quite a while. It was a typical teenager's bedroom, I suppose." [The Independent, 9/14/2017]

-- The Caving Club at Indiana University explored Sullivan Cave in southern Indiana on Sept. 17, but when they headed back to campus, they forgot one thing: a 19-year-old freshman physics major who had become separated from the group and was trapped behind a locked gate. When the club president realized two days later that a caver had been left behind, members rushed back to save him. "You could tell they were pretty shaken up," the caver told the Indiana Daily Student. "They did near kill me." The student reported he licked moisture off the cave walls during the ordeal and wrote goodbye letters to his family on his iPhone until the battery died. (BONUS: The rescued caver's name is Lukas Cavar.) [Indiana Daily Student, 9/22/2017]

The Weird Apocalypse

Cable television viewers in Orange County, California, were stunned on the morning of Sept. 21 when an ominous message accompanied by an "Emergency Alert" banner flashed on the screen. At increased volume, a man's voice boomed: "Realize this, extremely violent times will come," said viewer Stacy Laflamme of Lake Forest, who was watching HGTV on the Cox Communications cable system. Spectrum customers also received the alert. The warning seemed especially timely given that doomsday writer David Meade had predicted the end of the world "as we know it" to occur two days later. Laflamme told the Orange County Register the message "sounded like a radio broadcast coming through the television." Dennis Johnson, a spokesman for Spectrum, said: "We have confirmed that we were fed an incorrect audio file," but neither company could determine where the audio had come from. [Orange County Register, 9/21/2017]

Bright Ideas

-- Kevin Michael Cook, 24, of New Castle, Pennsylvania, was too drunk to drive on Sept. 3, so he enlisted the help of an 8-year-old girl. WPXI News reports the girl told Darlington Township police that Cook, a family friend, ordered her into a car at her grandmother's house and forced her to drive him toward East Palestine, Ohio. The car stopped after nearly wrecking twice, as bystanders called 911. Police tried to give Cook a sobriety test, but he was too impaired to finish it. He was charged with endangering the welfare of a child, driving under the influence and driving without a license. [WPXI News, 9/21/2017]

-- Prosecutors in Geneva, Switzerland, are looking for the culprits who flushed about $100,000 in 500-euro notes down four toilets in the city in May -- one in the vault area of the UBS Bank, and the other three in nearby bistros. While neither throwing money away nor blocking a toilet is a crime, Vincent Derouand of the Geneva Prosecutor's Office told the Tribune de Geneve, "we want to be sure of the origin of the money." The cash was confiscated during the investigation, but Derouand said there was no immediate reason to think it was dirty money. [Tribune de Geneve via Reuters, 9/18/2017]

Government in Action

Texas state Rep. Dawnna Dukes' corruption trial is scheduled for Oct. 16, when she will face charges of giving a taxpayer-funded raise to a legislative aide as compensation for ferrying Dukes' daughter between school and home. The Austin American-Statesman reports that prosecutors in Travis County also plan to present evidence of 19 additional "extraneous acts," including accusations that Dukes spent $51,000 in taxpayer money on an online psychic, was absent for roll call 65 percent of the time, and appeared impaired at a House committee meeting when she showed up late, explaining: "I know I'm talking a lot. I'm full of morphine and will be headed out of here soon." [Austin American-Statesman, 9/20/2017]

Awesome!

The Greene County (Tennessee) Sheriff's Department alerted drivers along Chuckey Pike on Sept. 20 not to be alarmed by a body that appeared to have been crushed by a house's garage door. "THIS IS A HALLOWEEN DECORATION!" the department's Facebook page warns. "Do NOT call 911 reporting a dead body." Officers had rushed to the scene with sirens blaring after a caller reported the body, but then discovered the clever (but really early) holiday tableau. [FOX News, 9/21/2017]

Kristi Lyn Goss, 44, former administrative assistant to the Garland County (Arkansas) judge, went all out when she racked up about $200,000 worth of debt on the county credit card between 2011 and May 2016, according to The Hot Springs (Arkansas) Sentinel-Record. Among the many items Goss purchased on the county's account were tickets to Arkansas Razorbacks games, sequined throw pillows and a tuxedo for her dog. Goss pleaded guilty on Sept. 11 to six felony fraud counts; her sentencing is scheduled for Nov. 22. Garland County Judge Rick Davis issued a statement at Goss's arrest noting that he had "inherited" her from a former judge. [Hot Springs Sentinel-Record, 9/13/2017]

It's Complicated

As Hurricane Irma bore down on Florida in early September, the Pasco County Sheriff's Office announced that registered sex offenders, who would not be able to shelter with other citizens, "need someplace to go just like any other citizen." The Tampa Bay Times reported that sex offenders were directed to Wiregrass Ranch High School in Wesley Chapel. Pasco County Sheriff's spokesman Kevin Doll noted that offenders found in other shelters where children were present were subject to arrest, but said the predator shelter would welcome offenders from other counties. In nearby Polk County, officials were not so generous, telling sex offenders, "If you are a predator, find somewhere else to go," and announcing that they would be checking IDs at the door and arresting anyone with an outstanding warrant. [Tampa Bay Times, 9/7/2017]

Campaign Follies

Incumbent mayoral candidate Charles Pender erected his campaign signs in Corner Brook, Newfoundland and Labrador, Canada, on Aug. 30, but when he woke up on Aug. 31, he found that they had been vandalized -- with hot dogs. CBC News reported that someone had cut round holes in the signs and inserted hot dogs to look as if Pender was smoking a cigar. Pender called it "minor mischief" but noted that the signs are expensive. He called the police, but he feels it's unlikely the frank bandit will be caught. He hopes to turn the incident into a good laugh with a "bun-raiser" later in the election season. [CBC News, 9/11/2017]

Compelling Explanations

Lisa Faye Stout, 53, came up with an unusual scapegoat for the mess police officers found in her room on Sept. 10 at New Castle, Indiana's Raintree Inn, according to the Muncie Star Press. Vampires had "destroyed everything," Stout told the officers, who were responding to reports that she had shown up in the hotel bar wearing no pants or undergarments. The front desk clerk also said Stout spit on her and threatened to kill her. As she was taken into custody, Stout spit some more and threatened to "slice" officers' throats. Stout was charged in Henry County court with two counts of battery by bodily waste, intimidation and criminal mischief. [The Star Press, 9/13/2017]

Recalculating ...

Well, it WAS dark ... Gabriel Bishop of Sellersville, Pennsylvania, put all his faith in his car's GPS system on the evening of Sept. 9, even as it directed him to follow a bike path running alongside the Lehigh River in Easton. According to Lehighvalleylive.com, when the path led under a low bridge, Bishop realized his mistake and tried to back up, but ended up rolling his car into the river. Easton police reported that Bishop was uninjured, but he did receive citations for multiple traffic offenses. [Lehigh Valley Live, 9/10/2017]

Smooth Reactions

A movie stuntman in High Wycombe, Buckinghamshire, England, put his skills to work when a potential buyer of his Mercedes Benz tried to take off with the car on Sept. 13. The Telegraph reported that Matt Spooner met the "buyer" and gave a test drive in the car, but the thief wouldn't get out and started to take off. So, Spooner told reporters, "I ran round to the front and asked him politely to step out. I then ended up on the front of the vehicle and it began to move." The driver entered a highway, but when he finally slowed down, Spooner let go and "skidded off to the side of the curb," suffering cuts and bruises to his face. While Spooner creates stunts for film crews, he advises, "It's a bad plan to do them yourself." [The Telegraph, 9/15/2017]

Exploitation 101

Jerry Sargeant, 39, of Cheltenham in Gloucestershire, England, who claims on his website to be able to cure cancer via Skype, has been convicted in Westminster Magistrate's Court of violating the U.K.'s 1939 Cancer Act, which prohibits advertising services that "offer to treat any person for cancer." The Daily Mail reports that Sargeant, who calls himself "The Facilitator," says he discovered his talent for "Star Magic" when he saw a woman's soul fly out of her body during a car accident in Romania. He also claims to have flown to Alpha Centauri on a spaceship and returned to Earth just minutes later. Sargeant's healing sessions cost 90 pounds for 15 minutes, but he told police that appointments can go up to an hour because "you can't put a time on magic." He will be sentenced on Nov. 8. [Daily Mail, 9/20/2017]

Life Imitates Cartoons

The Fremont (California) Police Department responded late on Sept. 17 to a Safeway store where 39-year-old Adam Kowarsh, armed with a French baguette, was on a rampage. According to SFGate, workers told Kowarsh he needed to pay for his items and leave the store, but when one employee tried to calm him, Kowarsh responded by pushing him and then hitting him across the face with the baguette. The Safeway employee was unhurt, but Kowarsh was charged with suspicion of battery and a parole violation. [SFGate, 9/19/2017]

No Pain, No Gain

Archaeologists in Cambridgeshire, England, have discovered the remains of a nearly 200-year-old colony of utopians espousing "free love and wife-swapping," according to Metro News. The Manea Fen community, established in 1838 by Methodist minister William Hodson, who championed a community free from marriage, money or monogamy, once numbered 150 members, but lasted only 25 months before succumbing to "personality clashes and objections to the practice of free love." Lead researcher Dr. Marcus Brittain believes "they got the wrong people, they had no labor skills and put in no time and effort, they were drunk, they went into local brothels, and thought they could build a utopia without breaking a sweat." [Metro News, 9/18/2017]

Least Competent Criminals

-- Police officers in Surf City, North Carolina, stopped Zachary Kingsbury, 20, of Lynnwood, Washington, on Aug. 30 and asked him to step out of his car because they had spotted contraband inside. Kingsbury complied, but then took off running, heading toward the beach -- and didn't stop when he hit the ocean. According to the Port City Daily, Kingsbury continued swimming for almost an hour as police tracked him with a drone-mounted camera, which allowed them to also see the shark trailing him in the water. At that point, said Surf City Police Chief Ron Shanadan, the chase "became a rescue operation," and multiple emergency crews were dispatched to pick up the fugitive. Kingsbury was taken into custody in North Topsail Beach and charged with resisting arrest and possession of marijuana and methamphetamine. [Port City Daily, 8/30/2017]

-- The first rule of thievery ought to be: Draw no attention to oneself. An unnamed driver in Lelystad, The Netherlands, apparently hadn't learned this rule before he strapped two large lampposts to the roof of his tiny two-door car and drove away from Almere, where police believe he stole them. The NL Times reported that officers stopping the man on Aug. 1 smelled alcohol on his breath, but his offenses didn't end there: His license had been declared invalid late last year, and his car was uninsured. It was unclear what the man planned to use the lampposts for. [NL Times, 8/2/2017]