In early August, Volusia (Florida) County Beach Safety officers banished 73-year-old Richard G. Basaraba of Daytona Beach from all county beaches after it was discovered he was handing out business cards to young women, reading "Sugardaddy seeking his sugarbaby." The mother of a 16-year-old said he approached a group of girls with his cards and continued to speak with the minor girl even after she told him her age. He also produced a bra padding, telling the girls he was "looking for someone who would fill it." He told the 16-year-old she "would be perfect." [Palm Beach Post, 8/3/2017]

People Different From Us

In a shocking display of mischief, an unnamed 60-year-old man in Singapore is under investigation for lodging three toothpicks in a seat on a public bus in July. If he is found to be the culprit, he could spend up to two years in prison. Singapore has an extremely low crime rate, and even minor offenses result in harsh punishments. For example, vandalism is punishable by caning. Police said at press time that the investigation was continuing. [Reuters, 8/8/2017]

Wait, What?

Practicing physicians in Cairo, Egypt, opened a surgery-themed restaurant called D.Kebda in July, where they wear surgical scrubs and prepare their only offering, grilled beef-liver sandwiches, behind a glass partition. Kebda is a popular street food in Egypt, but it can cause food poisoning if not prepared carefully. "We tried to take our career values and apply them to this other field," said Mostafa Basiouny, one of the owners. "There is no contradiction between them; we are still practicing doctors." [Reuters, 8/3/2017]

Great Expectations

On Aug. 7, 16-year-old Jack Bergeson of Wichita, Kansas, filed papers in Topeka to run for governor as a Democrat in the 2018 race. Bergeson, who won't be able to vote in that election, said: "I thought, you know, let's give the people of Kansas a chance. Let's try something new." The candidate says he would "radically change" health care and would support legalizing medical marijuana, but he's conservative on gun rights. Bryan Caskey, director of elections at the Kansas secretary of state's office, said there is no law governing the qualifications for governor. Bergeson's running mate, 17-year-old Alexander Cline, will be 18 by the election and will get to vote. [ABC News, 8/13/2017]

Animal Antics

-- A skunk got up close and personal with a 13-year-old boy on July 25 when it climbed into his bed in Hamden, Connecticut, apparently after hitchhiking into the house in a trash can. The family was able to remove the skunk without the help of the Hamden Animal Control Division, but an officer said the "smell of skunk ... emanated throughout the house." [FOX News, 8/6/2017]

-- The Scardillo Cheese factory in Burnaby, British Columbia, Canada, has a squirrel to blame for a fire that resulted in more than 20,000 gallons of milk being spoiled on Aug. 8. The squirrel chewed through a main power line on the outside of the building, which sparked the fire, and power could not be restored for 12 hours. Already-made cheese was kept cool with generators, but milk being readied to make cheese warmed and went bad. [Vancouver Sun, 8/10/2017]

Least Competent Criminals

-- Criminal justice student Jordan Dinsmore, 20, of Columbia, South Carolina, had her car's manual transmission to thank for her safe escape on July 26. Three men approached her around 1 a.m. and pointed a gun at her. After robbing her of her phone and purse, the men forced her into her car, threatening to kidnap and rape her, but when they realized none of them knew how to drive her stick-shift car, one of the criminals ran away. The other two forced Dinsmore to drive to an ATM to withdraw cash. As she drove, Dinsmore removed her seatbelt, then put the car in neutral and jumped out, screaming, "Call 911! Call 911!" to passing motorists. The Richland County Sheriff's Department arrested a 15-year-old and a 17-year-old in the kidnapping and robbery. [ABC News 4, 7/28/2017]

-- Surveillance video from a July 27 break-in at the home of John C. Burbage, 59, of Naples, Florida, showed a surprisingly familiar picture of the perpetrators: Harold Russell Lanham, 22, and his dad, James Edward Lanham, 41, both of whom Burbage employed and both of whom were wearing their work uniforms. The Lanham duo stole a safe containing more than $30,000 worth of cash and property from their boss's home. [WINK News, 7/29/2017]

The Weirdo-American Community

Residents of Hollis, Maine, were unnerved on the evening of July 25 as Corey Berry, 31, wearing a clown mask, walked around town with a machete duct-taped to the place where his arm had been amputated. When Berry, intoxicated, was taken into custody in nearby Waterboro, he explained to officers that he was copying other clown sightings as a prank on a friend. Karmen LePage of Hollis warned: "He's not funny. We live in the woods; you think we don't have guns? He's ... lucky." [Portland Press Herald, 7/26/2017]

Paranormal Activity

The South Carolina Emergency Management Division issued an alert on Aug. 9 in advance of the total solar eclipse on Aug. 21 asking South Carolinians to be "vigilant" and look out for Lizardmen during the celestial event. "SCEMD does not know if Lizardmen become more active during a solar eclipse," the note reads. "But we advise that residents of Lee and Sumter counties should remain vigilant." The folkloric reptilian beast is thought to live in swampland around Lee County and frequent sewers in nearby towns. While some people thought the warning might be a joke, SCEMD said it "will neither confirm nor deny" the existence of Lizardmen. [United Press International, 8/14/2017]

Anger Management

Customers at a Flying J truck stop in West Hanover Township, Virginia, got quite the show on Aug. 14 when Craig Troccia, 54, of Roanoke smashed the windshield of his truck and poured a cup of urine onto the interior. Wait -- did we mention Troccia was naked? He then yelled a racial epithet at a black man and flashed his genitals at everyone within sight. Next, (still naked) Troccia pointed a gun at the same man and then at another man and threatened to kill them both. After state troopers loaded Troccia into their cruiser, he "slammed his body and head on the various panels of the vehicle," they reported. He was charged with 34 criminal counts, including public drunkenness. [Penn Live, 8/15/2017]

Compelling Explanations

Jeremy A. Perkins, 27, was led astray by someone who told him "the purge" was happening on Aug. 12 in Kansas City, Missouri. ("The Purge" was a 2013 horror film that envisioned a temporary decriminalization of all criminal acts, after which society collapses in chaos.) In response (and high on methamphetamines), Perkins climbed to the top of a building and began throwing rocks at passing vehicles. Perkins told responding officers that he perceived everyone as his enemy and was trying to protect himself. He added that if he had had a gun, he would have shot people. [FOX4KC, 8/14/2017]

The Continuing Crisis

There are 70 registered voters in McIntire, Iowa, but not one of them showed up to vote in a two-question special election on Aug. 1. Mitchell County deputy auditor Barbara Baldwin told reporters that even poll workers didn't vote because none of them live in McIntire, which is about 130 miles northeast of Des Moines. [NBC News, 8/4/2017]

The Adair family of Deerfield Beach, Florida, were startled awake on July 15 by the sound of something meaty crashing onto their roof. When they investigated, they found two packages of Italian pork sausage in the side yard, and three more packages still on the roof. The sausages were in bags marked with the name of a land-clearing company in Alabama. Austin Adair called the company to inquire about the wayward sausages, but "the guy had no idea what I was talking about and probably thought I was crazy," he said, and the mystery remains unsolved. "I would love to know what really happened," said Jennie Adair, "because it's just so, so odd." [WPLG 10 News, 7/17/2017]

The Naked Truth

-- Summers are hot in Lawrence, Kansas, and Christopher Steven Carlson, 34, of Riley took advantage of the warm temperatures on July 30 to stroll down a sidewalk in the busy college town in his birthday suit -- twice. Police first arrested Carlson around 2 p.m. in downtown Lawrence for indecent exposure, after which he paid his $500 fine and was released. He caught a taxi from the Douglas County Jail back to the downtown area, where he stiffed the driver, left his clothes in the car and resumed his in-the-buff constitutional. Local business owner Meg Heriford said: "Our customers were not alarmed. It was more like, 'Hey, there's a naked guy.'" [Kansas City Star, 7/31/2017]

-- Nakedness does leave one a bit vulnerable, as Travis Tingler, 32, found out on July 16 as he stood unclothed outside his girlfriend's house in Manitowoc, Wisconsin, shouting and threatening to hurt the people inside. When police arrived, they tried and failed to get Tingler back into his pants, so they handcuffed him. As they struggled to put him in the police car, Tingler picked up a lighter off the ground, and a probe from an officer's stun gun struck the lighter, igniting Tingler's chest and beard hairs. An officer was able to pat the fire out. [NY Daily News, 7/18/2017]

-- Nudity, like everything else, is more fun when you can share it with friends. Or so it appeared to drivers along route A66 in Workington, Cumbria, in England, who spied four "shame-faced" men walking along the road wearing nothing but sneakers on July 30. The four "protected their modesty with cupped hands" and appeared to be walking quickly, according to Kathryn Lynn, 50, who drove by with her husband and daughter and snapped a photo of the odd group. "It was a bit of a shock to see," she said. [Daily Mail, 8/4/2017]

The Continuing Crisis

Out of eight candidates for Detroit mayor in the Aug. 8 primary, half were convicted felons, the Detroit News reported. Three women and one man have convictions including gun crimes and assault with intent to commit murder. "Black marks on your record show you have lived a little and have overcome some challenges," opined political consultant Greg Bowens. Michigan law allows convicted felons to vote and run for office unless they are currently incarcerated, or if their offenses are fraud-related or constitute a breach of public trust. (Update: None of the felons advanced to the general election.) [Detroit News, 8/2/2017]

Ironies

In Green Bay, Wisconsin, the Spartans of Vincent T. Lombardi Middle School won't be playing football this year because of a lack of coaches. Jim Van Abel, principal of the school named after the revered coach of the Green Bay Packers, told parents in a letter that the district had been advertising for coaching positions since April, to no avail. Student Alex Coniff said last year about 55 students played on the school's two football teams. (Interestingly, the district was also unable to provide a representative to be interviewed for the story.) [FOX 11 News, 8/1/2017]

The Perfect Name

Weedville, Pennsylvania, more than lived up to its name on July 31 when the North Central Municipal Drug Task Force busted Tiffany R. Potts, 23, and James Michael Dunshie, 30, at their home. The pair were caught with heroin, methamphetamines, hallucinogenic mushrooms, firearms and drug paraphernalia -- but, apparently, no weed. [The Courier Express, 8/4/2017]

The Job of the Researcher

Sexing certain species of turtles used to be an invasive process, sometimes requiring surgery on the little guy or gal. But Donald McKnight, a Ph.D. student at James Cook University in Queensland, Australia, has perfected a method that speeds up the process -- and presumably pleases the shelled reptile. McKnight uses a vibrator to stimulate the underside of the turtle, which causes a male to "reveal himself," sometimes in as little as 4 seconds. McKnight did his research in Oklahoma on threatened western chicken turtles. [ABC Sunshine Coast, 8/3/2017]

Readers' Choice

Dilworth, Minnesota, police officer Brad Browning suffered a bout of bad luck on Aug. 2 after he pulled over a car with a burned-out headlight. The driver, Stephen Hietala, 27, of Perham, had a warrant out for his arrest. When officers tried to handcuff Hietala, he resisted, prompting one officer to fire his Taser, which missed Heitala and hit Officer Browning instead. Hietala took off running, with Browning chasing on foot. Soon a sheriff's deputy arrived with a police dog, but as Browning cornered Hietala in an alley, the dog bit Browning instead of the criminal. Officers finally arrested Hietala for fleeing a police officer and drug possession. [Minneapolis Star-Tribune, 8/5/2017]

Bright Idea

In Munich, Germany, Benjamin David has found a unique way to drown his commuting sorrows. He swims to work. "When I was on my bike, I would yell at cars," David said. "When I was on foot, I would yell at cyclists. ... (J)ust a few metres to the side of (the road) is the (Isar) river, and if you just swim down that, it's completely relaxed and refreshing." David stores his work clothes, laptop and mobile phone in a waterproof bag, and the river's current sometimes allows him to float along his 1.2-mile route and enjoy the scenery -- including bystanders on bridges. [CBC Radio, 8/4/2017]

Awesome!

Two Subway sandwich shop workers in Coventry, Rhode Island, frustrated a potential robber on July 25 by acting like teenagers -- ignoring his demands for money until he finally gave up and left the store. Police told a local news station that the robber, caught on security cameras, looked "exasperated" and "mumbled something under his breath as he walked out of the business." [NBC News, 7/30/2017]

Oops!

A Hartford City, Indiana, man was outed to police by a tattoo on the back of his neck as he tried to use an alias on July 28. The incident started when James Jason Buck, 33, pounded on the door of a Muncie home, demanding a drink, and homeowners called the police. At first, the man said he was Robert Dill, 37, of Florida. But when an officer noticed his tattoo, "Buck," and called him Mr. Buck, he confessed his real name and date of birth. Mr. Buck also had a plastic bag with crystal methamphetamine, and, officers discovered, a rather long rap sheet. [The Star Press, 7/29/2017]

It's Important to Have Goals

When federal agents turned up in May 2016 with a search warrant at the Miami home of 19-year-old Phyllistone Termine, they interrupted the teenager as he crafted a summer fraud to-do list. Items on the list included buying credit card numbers and security codes on the "dark web." Between March 2015 and his arrest, Termine had used stolen Social Security numbers from more than 1,000 victims to collect unemployment benefits in excess of $1 million. Next to his bed were blank white credit cards with magnetic strips and equipment to encode those strips. In July, Termine was sentenced to 4 1/2 years in federal prison, where his organizational skills may be put to some more legal purpose. [Miami Herald, 7/30/2017]

Odessa, Texas, resident Ernesto Baeza Acosta, 34, has legally changed his name to Ernesto Trump and declared himself the son of President Trump. His NSFW Facebook page features photographs of Ernesto wearing a Trump-like wig and asks viewers to "Please share this so that my Dad your president can see this and spend time with me." Ernesto is a fan of President Trump, but his immigrant mother is unamused about his name change. [Dallas Morning News, 6/22/2017]

Bright Ideas

Alana Nicole Donahue, 27, of Springfield, Oregon, just wanted to entertain her children and nephew with a joy ride around the neighborhood. But on July 12, as she pulled the kids (ages 2, 4 and 8) behind her Ford Taurus in a plastic red wagon, she was arrested for reckless endangerment. Donahue told police she was just "showing the kids a good time." However, horrified witnesses saw the car going about 30 mph as the wagon went up on two wheels going around a busy traffic circle at rush hour. [The Oregonian, 7/15/2017]

Unclear on the Concept

David Blackmon identified himself as a drug dealer when he called the Okaloosa (Florida) County Sheriff's Office on July 16 to report that $50 in cash and a quarter-ounce of cocaine had been stolen from his car. When officers investigated, they found a baggie with "suspected cocaine," a crack pipe and a crack rock in the car. Blackmon was charged with possession of cocaine and drug paraphernalia. [WKRG News 5, 7/17/2017]

Compelling Explanations

Everett Lee Compton Jr., 49, told Siloam Springs, Arkansas, police that marijuana "makes him do sick things" after they apprehended him for abusing female donkeys. The donkeys' owners, Emert and Joyce Whitaker, had set up a surveillance camera and recorded Compton on three occasions putting a bag over a donkey's head and placing his pelvis against its rear end. "It just made me sick to my stomach," said Joyce Whitaker. "To know that she couldn't tell nobody and that she was having to go through this." [40/29TV News, 8/2/2017]

Technology Run Amok

A security robot named Steve suffered a soggy fatal error on July 17 when it tumbled down several steps and into a fountain in Washington, D.C. New to the job, the robot had been patrolling the Washington Harbour area of Georgetown, mapping out its features in an effort to prevent just such an accident. "He looked so happy and healthy," an area mourner tweeted after the incident. Another observer was less sympathetic. "Robots: 0; humans: 1," he tweeted. [CBS Philly, 7/19/2017]

Least Competent Criminals

-- The Pink Panther, he ain't. Police in Wayne County, North Carolina, are looking for a careless cat burglar who keeps waking people up as he robs them. At least one victim awakened by the slender white man in early July has seen him wearing a pink polka-dot beach towel around his head. Police aren't sure if he's actually gotten away with any loot. [The Charlotte News & Observer, 7/3/2017]

-- Three heads are apparently not better than one, as three China Grove, North Carolina, masterminds demonstrated on July 12. Rex Allen Farmer, his son, Rex Carlo Farmer, and the younger man's girlfriend, Kayla Nicole Price, cooked up a scheme to rob the Mooresville gas station where the elder Farmer worked. Surveillance video showed Carlo, disguised in a woman's dress and wig, emptying the cash register as his father, the clerk on duty, stood by. Carlo then ran outside and removed the dress and wig, setting them on fire next to the building. However, the fire spread to a meter on the building and a privacy fence, thus summoning authorities. Police soon caught up to all three and arrested them. [Salisbury Post, 7/12/2017]

The Animal Kingdom

-- An African grey parrot named Bud may have been the key witness in convicting 49-year-old Glenna Duram of White Cloud, Michigan, in the shooting death of her husband, Martin Duram, 46. The investigation of the 2015 shooting dragged on for a year before Martin's first wife, who inherited the parrot, shared with a local TV station a videotape of Bud imitating two people having an argument, including the words "Don't (expletive) shoot." Three weeks later, Glenna Duram was arrested and charged with first-degree murder, and on July 19, she was found guilty. [Detroit News, 7/19/2017]

-- Fire department dispatchers in Branson, Missouri, must have thought they were being punked on July 22, when they received a call to rescue a bird from a tree. But it was no joke. A ladder truck was dispatched to rescue a parrot that had escaped and became tangled in its leash 50 feet up in a tree. (Bonus: The firefighter who braved the 50-foot climb was Colt Boldman.) [KY3, 7/22/2017]

Anger Management

Two AT&T utility workers apparently didn't work fast enough on lines outside the home of Jorge Jove, 64, of Hialeah, Florida, on July 19. After confronting the workers, Jove went back into his house, came out carrying a gun and began shooting at the AT&T trucks, deflating the tires. Jove reloaded twice and shot at the trucks' engines before aiming at Gilberto Ramos, a service worker who was up on a utility pole. Jove was charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon. [WSVN 7 News, 7/19/2017]

Government in Action

-- Adi Astl, 73, took it upon himself to solve a safety problem in Tom Riley Park in the Etobicoke area of Toronto, Ontario. Accessing the park meant navigating a steep hill, and Astl felt it was dangerous. The city balked at building a staircase, citing a cost between $65,000 and $150,000. So Astl, a retired mechanic, built it himself, with the help of a homeless man -- for $550. Responding to the resulting media storm, the city now plans to build a regulation staircase costing $10,000. "Bureaucrats, bureaucrats, bureaucrats," Astl concluded. [Toronto Star, 7/21/2017]

-- Meanwhile, in British Columbia's New Westminster, the city has constructed, at a cost of $200,000, an unfinished stairway to nowhere. The structure was originally intended to replace a required fire escape on a building, but was left incomplete and unattached to the building when concerns arose about wires overhead. "I thought it was an artwork, but I don't think it makes that much sense," said passerby Lawrence Kong. [Global News, 7/23/2017]

New World Order

-- Move over, Mace. Women in China are buying "anti-pervert flamethrowers" that can be carried discreetly in a handbag and launch a scorching rebuff up to 50cm (about 20 inches) when needed. Chinese police have warned that the devices are illegal, but one vendor called them a "legal, non-lethal tool." [The Telegraph, 7/18/2017]

-- Also in China, the Global Harbour mall in Shanghai has introduced husband storage facilities for bored men who have accompanied their wives shopping. The glass pods include a chair, monitor, computer and game pad where parked husbands can play vintage video games while their wives shop. Reaction from pod dwellers has been mixed, with one man saying the lack of ventilation left him "drenched in sweat." [BBC, 7/14/2017]

Law and Order

About a week after police in Minneapolis killed unarmed Justine Ruszczyk after she called to report an assault, orange signs began popping up on streetside poles depicting a jumping police officer with a gun in each hand and the warning, "Twin Cities Police Officers Easily Startled." Minneapolis police department spokeswoman Sgt. Catherine Michal said on July 24 that public works employees were removing the signs, which were made of metal and resembled traffic signs. [CNN, 7/24/2017]

People Different From Us

Barbara Rogers, 42, of Coolbaugh Township, Pennsylvania, said she was just following directions when she shot her boyfriend, Steven Mineo, 32, in the forehead on July 15. Rogers said Mineo asked her to kill him because he thought a cult they belonged to was led by a reptilian pretending to be a human. Rogers called 911 to report the shooting, after which she was charged with criminal homicide. [The Morning Call, 7/19/2017]