Odessa, Texas, resident Ernesto Baeza Acosta, 34, has legally changed his name to Ernesto Trump and declared himself the son of President Trump. His NSFW Facebook page features photographs of Ernesto wearing a Trump-like wig and asks viewers to "Please share this so that my Dad your president can see this and spend time with me." Ernesto is a fan of President Trump, but his immigrant mother is unamused about his name change. [Dallas Morning News, 6/22/2017]

Bright Ideas

Alana Nicole Donahue, 27, of Springfield, Oregon, just wanted to entertain her children and nephew with a joy ride around the neighborhood. But on July 12, as she pulled the kids (ages 2, 4 and 8) behind her Ford Taurus in a plastic red wagon, she was arrested for reckless endangerment. Donahue told police she was just "showing the kids a good time." However, horrified witnesses saw the car going about 30 mph as the wagon went up on two wheels going around a busy traffic circle at rush hour. [The Oregonian, 7/15/2017]

Unclear on the Concept

David Blackmon identified himself as a drug dealer when he called the Okaloosa (Florida) County Sheriff's Office on July 16 to report that $50 in cash and a quarter-ounce of cocaine had been stolen from his car. When officers investigated, they found a baggie with "suspected cocaine," a crack pipe and a crack rock in the car. Blackmon was charged with possession of cocaine and drug paraphernalia. [WKRG News 5, 7/17/2017]

Compelling Explanations

Everett Lee Compton Jr., 49, told Siloam Springs, Arkansas, police that marijuana "makes him do sick things" after they apprehended him for abusing female donkeys. The donkeys' owners, Emert and Joyce Whitaker, had set up a surveillance camera and recorded Compton on three occasions putting a bag over a donkey's head and placing his pelvis against its rear end. "It just made me sick to my stomach," said Joyce Whitaker. "To know that she couldn't tell nobody and that she was having to go through this." [40/29TV News, 8/2/2017]

Technology Run Amok

A security robot named Steve suffered a soggy fatal error on July 17 when it tumbled down several steps and into a fountain in Washington, D.C. New to the job, the robot had been patrolling the Washington Harbour area of Georgetown, mapping out its features in an effort to prevent just such an accident. "He looked so happy and healthy," an area mourner tweeted after the incident. Another observer was less sympathetic. "Robots: 0; humans: 1," he tweeted. [CBS Philly, 7/19/2017]

Least Competent Criminals

-- The Pink Panther, he ain't. Police in Wayne County, North Carolina, are looking for a careless cat burglar who keeps waking people up as he robs them. At least one victim awakened by the slender white man in early July has seen him wearing a pink polka-dot beach towel around his head. Police aren't sure if he's actually gotten away with any loot. [The Charlotte News & Observer, 7/3/2017]

-- Three heads are apparently not better than one, as three China Grove, North Carolina, masterminds demonstrated on July 12. Rex Allen Farmer, his son, Rex Carlo Farmer, and the younger man's girlfriend, Kayla Nicole Price, cooked up a scheme to rob the Mooresville gas station where the elder Farmer worked. Surveillance video showed Carlo, disguised in a woman's dress and wig, emptying the cash register as his father, the clerk on duty, stood by. Carlo then ran outside and removed the dress and wig, setting them on fire next to the building. However, the fire spread to a meter on the building and a privacy fence, thus summoning authorities. Police soon caught up to all three and arrested them. [Salisbury Post, 7/12/2017]

The Animal Kingdom

-- An African grey parrot named Bud may have been the key witness in convicting 49-year-old Glenna Duram of White Cloud, Michigan, in the shooting death of her husband, Martin Duram, 46. The investigation of the 2015 shooting dragged on for a year before Martin's first wife, who inherited the parrot, shared with a local TV station a videotape of Bud imitating two people having an argument, including the words "Don't (expletive) shoot." Three weeks later, Glenna Duram was arrested and charged with first-degree murder, and on July 19, she was found guilty. [Detroit News, 7/19/2017]

-- Fire department dispatchers in Branson, Missouri, must have thought they were being punked on July 22, when they received a call to rescue a bird from a tree. But it was no joke. A ladder truck was dispatched to rescue a parrot that had escaped and became tangled in its leash 50 feet up in a tree. (Bonus: The firefighter who braved the 50-foot climb was Colt Boldman.) [KY3, 7/22/2017]

Anger Management

Two AT&T utility workers apparently didn't work fast enough on lines outside the home of Jorge Jove, 64, of Hialeah, Florida, on July 19. After confronting the workers, Jove went back into his house, came out carrying a gun and began shooting at the AT&T trucks, deflating the tires. Jove reloaded twice and shot at the trucks' engines before aiming at Gilberto Ramos, a service worker who was up on a utility pole. Jove was charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon. [WSVN 7 News, 7/19/2017]

Government in Action

-- Adi Astl, 73, took it upon himself to solve a safety problem in Tom Riley Park in the Etobicoke area of Toronto, Ontario. Accessing the park meant navigating a steep hill, and Astl felt it was dangerous. The city balked at building a staircase, citing a cost between $65,000 and $150,000. So Astl, a retired mechanic, built it himself, with the help of a homeless man -- for $550. Responding to the resulting media storm, the city now plans to build a regulation staircase costing $10,000. "Bureaucrats, bureaucrats, bureaucrats," Astl concluded. [Toronto Star, 7/21/2017]

-- Meanwhile, in British Columbia's New Westminster, the city has constructed, at a cost of $200,000, an unfinished stairway to nowhere. The structure was originally intended to replace a required fire escape on a building, but was left incomplete and unattached to the building when concerns arose about wires overhead. "I thought it was an artwork, but I don't think it makes that much sense," said passerby Lawrence Kong. [Global News, 7/23/2017]

New World Order

-- Move over, Mace. Women in China are buying "anti-pervert flamethrowers" that can be carried discreetly in a handbag and launch a scorching rebuff up to 50cm (about 20 inches) when needed. Chinese police have warned that the devices are illegal, but one vendor called them a "legal, non-lethal tool." [The Telegraph, 7/18/2017]

-- Also in China, the Global Harbour mall in Shanghai has introduced husband storage facilities for bored men who have accompanied their wives shopping. The glass pods include a chair, monitor, computer and game pad where parked husbands can play vintage video games while their wives shop. Reaction from pod dwellers has been mixed, with one man saying the lack of ventilation left him "drenched in sweat." [BBC, 7/14/2017]

Law and Order

About a week after police in Minneapolis killed unarmed Justine Ruszczyk after she called to report an assault, orange signs began popping up on streetside poles depicting a jumping police officer with a gun in each hand and the warning, "Twin Cities Police Officers Easily Startled." Minneapolis police department spokeswoman Sgt. Catherine Michal said on July 24 that public works employees were removing the signs, which were made of metal and resembled traffic signs. [CNN, 7/24/2017]

People Different From Us

Barbara Rogers, 42, of Coolbaugh Township, Pennsylvania, said she was just following directions when she shot her boyfriend, Steven Mineo, 32, in the forehead on July 15. Rogers said Mineo asked her to kill him because he thought a cult they belonged to was led by a reptilian pretending to be a human. Rogers called 911 to report the shooting, after which she was charged with criminal homicide. [The Morning Call, 7/19/2017]

A local chapter of the American Federation of State, County and Municipal Employees in Battle Creek, Michigan, is butting heads with Western Michigan University this summer after the school brought in a goat crew to clean up an overgrown woodlot on campus, leaving union workers without jobs. The AFSCME's grievance cites a collective bargaining agreement with WMU, but university officials counter that "the area is rife with poison ivy and other invasive species," which are difficult for humans to remove. The 20-goat crew, rented from Munchers on Hooves in Coldwater, Michigan, is ahead of schedule in clearing a 15-acre area. [Battle Creek Enquirer, 7/6/2017]

With Friends Like These ...

Robert Kanoff, 49, celebrated Independence Day in an unusual way: High on drugs, he was dropped off in his birthday suit at a Tempe, Arizona, Walmart by two people who thought it would be "funny to see him naked," said police. There he walked around the store wearing only shoes and carrying methamphetamines. Maricopa County sheriff's officers caught up with him around 10 p.m. across the street from the store. [The Arizona Republic, 7/7/2017]

The Entrepreneurial Spirit

First bikes, then cars ... now umbrellas. Maybe. Sharing E Umbrella hit the streets of 11 Chinese cities in April with more than 300,000 umbrellas for rent from subway and bus stations. Unfortunately, the company's founder, Zhao Shuping, didn't provide instructions about returning the rentals after use, and most of the umbrellas have disappeared. Zhao noted his mistake, saying, "Umbrellas are different from bicycles. ... With an umbrella you need railings or a fence to hang it on." He plans to replenish his stock with 30 million umbrellas nationwide by the end of the year. [The Straits Times, 7/7/2017]

Questionable Judgments

The Do Son Buffalo Fighting Festival, in which water buffalo are pitted against each other, has been a tradition in Hai Phong, Vietnam, since the 18th century. But on July 1, buffalo trainer Dinh Xuan Huong, 46, met his doom when his own bull turned on him. The buffalo first knocked Dinh to the ground, then flipped him over its head, goring Dinh's leg with its horn. Dinh later died at the Vietnam-Czech Friendship Hospital. Buffalo fighting was stopped in the country during the Vietnam War, but the fights resumed in 1990. [Daily Mail, 7/5/2017]

Under the Influence

-- Police in Slidell, Louisiana, stopped a "car full of drunks" on July 8 and arrested the driver for driving while intoxicated. The car's passengers rode home in a taxi, but one of the women then drove back to the police station to bail out the driver. Slidell officers arrested the woman for DWI, and she joined her friend in jail. "Lesson of the day," Slidell officers posted on their Facebook page: "Don't drive drunk to a police station in order to bail out your drunk friend!" [United Press International, 7/11/2017]

-- Police in Swansea, Illinois, suspect the heir to a brewery fortune has graduated from driving drunk to flying high. August Adolphus Busch IV, 53, landed his helicopter around noon on July 10 in an office complex parking lot outside St. Louis. Police and FAA investigators were still trying to determine why he had landed there and whether any aviation laws had been broken when they were called back to the parking lot around 8 p.m., where Busch, appearing to be intoxicated, was trying unsuccessfully to take off. Swansea police reported that Busch failed field sobriety tests but passed a breath test, and after they secured a warrant, Busch was taken to a local hospital for blood tests. (Also found in the helicopter: four loaded guns, several prescription pill bottles and eight dogs.) At press time, no charges had been filed. [St. Louis Post-Dispatch, 7/12/2017]

Lacking a Filter

Baseball fans at the Los Angeles Dodgers-Kansas City Royals game in Dodger Stadium on July 8 were treated to some righteous moves on the dance cam by "Rally Granny," an older fan who capped her performance by flashing her bra at the 40,000-plus spectators. "You don't see THAT much at a baseball stadium," deadpanned Dodgers first baseman Cody Bellinger (who actually missed the spectacle). [The Associated Press, 7/9/2017]

From Bad to Worse

Two women in Arlington, Texas, called police for help on July 10 as a mentally ill man doused himself with gasoline in preparation to commit suicide. When responding officers began talking with the distraught man, he poured more gasoline on himself and appeared to be holding a lighter in his hand. Hoping to subdue him, one of the officers used his Taser on the man and the gasoline ignited, engulfing him in flames. Officers wrapped him in blankets and removed him from the house. His family reports he was severely burned, and at press time he was in critical condition. [NBC DFW, 7/11/2017]

Now You Have Our Attention

-- On July 6, IRS workers in Ogden, Utah, received a fake bomb from Normand Lariviere, 68, of Olympia, Washington. The U.S. Navy veteran and former civilian defense contractor has been disgruntled with the Department of Defense since his dismissal in the 1990s and has a history of mailing disturbing objects to the IRS to protest paying taxes. In 2016, Lariviere sent one of his fingers, a bullet and a marijuana joint to tax collectors. "Many things I could do," he threatened. "I'm not going to tip my hand." [Seattle PI, 7/10/2017]

-- Drivers speeding down Bedford Street in Lakeville, Massachusetts, may touch the brakes when they spot a parked police cruiser at the side of the road. But the "vehicle," a plywood and aluminum sign painted to look like a Crown Victoria black-and-white, is a ruse perpetrated by resident Kelly Tufts to get drivers to slow down. Tufts parks the "car" in his driveway, especially on weekends, to protect dogs and kids from speeding traffic. "We've had some people give us the one finger," Tufts said. "If it was their neighborhood, they'd enjoy it." [Boston 25 News, 7/11/2017]

Awesome!

A mathematician in Bucharest, Romania, scored a 44,900 euro profit when he made an exciting discovery at a flea market there: a rare World War II Enigma machine, used by the Nazis for encrypting messages. After paying the unwitting seller just 100 euros ($114 U.S.) for it, he took it into his care, cleaning and repairing it and learning how it worked. On July 11, a Bucharest auction house sold the machine for 45,000 euros ($51,500 U.S.) to an unnamed bidder. [CNN, 7/12/2017]

Bright Ideas

Why hire moving professionals for just one appliance? A man in Brisbane, Australia, gamely tried transporting his full-size refrigerator on a Queensland Rail car in April. He first rolled the fridge, strapped to a handcart, onto an elevator to the train platform. Shortly after guiding it into the train carriage, the man and his icebox were removed from the car by transit officers, who wrote him a $252 ticket. Apparently, his item would not fit under a seat, in an overhead rack or in a designated storage area, as Queensland Rail rules specify. [The Courier Mail, 7/11/2017]

Update

Zimbabwe's "sperm bandits" have reportedly struck again. An unnamed 39-year-old male teacher from Macheke was abducted as he waited for a bus on July 2, drugged and gang-raped by a gang of three women. Since 2011, the "semen harvesters" have struck several times, sexually assaulting their victims and collecting semen in condoms to sell later for "good luck." The latest victim told The Standard newspaper that for two days he was held against his will and subjected to further abuse under threat of being shot. Finally, his abductors dumped him by the side of the road. [The Standard, 7/9/2017]

Good fortune quickly turned to horror for a man in Allyn, Washington, who scored some raccoon roadkill to use as crab-trap bait on June 25. As the unidentified man walked toward home dragging the carcass behind him on a 15-foot rope (so he couldn't smell it), two different vehicles stopped, and their occupants, mistakenly thinking he was dragging a dead dog, began berating the would-be fisherman. As the dispute heated up, someone produced a gun, shooting the man twice in the leg before he was struck by one of the vehicles as the assailants fled. [KOMO, 6/29/2017]

Bright Ideas

In New Hampshire on June 29, a state police officer stopped the 57-year-old driver of a Honda Odyssey minivan who had piled a Beverly Hillbillies-esque stack of belongings on top of his car. The collection, which was about as tall as the minivan, included a wooden chest, a bike, a floor lamp, a rake, a snow shovel, a moving dolly and a folding ladder, along with blankets and towels and a shopping cart full of items hanging off the back. Police cited the driver for negligent driving, and the car was towed away. [United Press International, 6/29/2017]

Sorry I Missed It

A Canada Day parade in southern Ontario sparked a flood of typically mild protests over Dave Szusz's float, which featured a 3-meter-tall blow-up Jesus (holding a baby sheep) and several real sheep. "I thought it was kind of sad to see sheep out with very loud blasting music, out in the heat in the city," said animal rights activist Dan MacDonald. Others flooded Szusz with complaints on Facebook. Szusz and MacDonald have since talked it out, although MacDonald still hopes Szusz will discontinue using sheep on his floats. [CTV News, 7/6/2017]

Least Competent Criminals

-- Six suspects in a June 25 Denver mugging counted among their spoils the victim's brand-new iPhone. After using Ryan Coupens' credit cards at a nearby Walgreens, the thieves used the phone to post a Snapchat story about their shenanigans to Coupens' account, where his friends -- and police -- could clearly see some of their faces. [FOX31, 6/26/2017]

-- A repeat offender came to the end of his career when he and an accomplice tried to burglarize a home in East Macon, Georgia, on June 19. As James Robert Young, 41, a 35-time resident in the Bibb County jail, and another man zeroed in on her television, the homeowner woke up and heard them. "When she yelled, the men ran out," said Sheriff David Davis, and that was when the other suspect turned around and fired his weapon, striking Young in the head, killing him. The accomplice is still at large. [WMAZ, 6/20/2017]

Family Values

Flower girls at weddings often steal the show, and Georgiana Arlt of Chaska, Minnesota, was no exception as she walked down the aisle on July 1. The 92-year-old grandmother of the bride, Abby Arlt, told her granddaughter the only other wedding she had been in was her own, when she was 20 years old. Abby had hoped to have her grandfather as the ring bearer, but he passed away last year. [KARE11, 7/3/2017]

Oops!

-- What seemed like the best hide-and-seek idea ever took a frightening turn on July 6 in Colonial Heights, Virginia, when a 12-year-old girl became stuck in a sleeper sofa. Another child called 911 when she couldn't free her friend. "I've never seen anything like it," said fire chief A.G. Moore. "When she got out, she was fine." [FOX6, 7/6/2017]

-- In Green Bay, Wisconsin, a driver crossing the Walnut Street Bridge on June 22 disregarded the traffic arm and drove around it onto the drawbridge as it was opening. His van ascended the opening span, but then rolled back down into the gap between the stationary bridge and the moveable span. Green Bay Metro firefighters, concerned that the van might slip through the gap, cut a hole in its roof to rescue the driver. [The Associated Press, 6/23/2017]

Suspicions Confirmed

Karen Leclair, 51, of Albion, Pennsylvania, was reported missing on June 11 by her commercial fisherman husband, Christopher, 48, after she went over the side of his boat on Lake Erie. Christopher told police he hadn't been watching when his wife fell overboard. When her body washed ashore on July 4 in upstate New York, however, she had a gunshot wound in her head, and she was bound by nylon fishing rope and weighted with an anchor. Christopher was charged with her murder after the gun used to shoot Karen was found under a bed in their home. [New York Post, 7/6/2017]

Oh, THOSE Monkeys

A monkey mystery unfolded near Mesa, Arizona, in early July as drone owner Jesse Sorensan dispatched his device over a facility rumored to house abandoned monkeys. "Hovered above it and took some pictures ... and sure enough there's monkeys in almost all the cages," said Sorensan. "What are these monkeys doing ... in the middle of the desert?" Local TV reporters looked into the mystery and found the facility is used for research and breeding for the University of Washington and the Centers for Disease Control, who were quick to point out that the monkeys have access to air conditioning and veterinary care. [3TV/CBS5, 7/5/2017]

Who You Gonna Call?

Villagers in the eastern Thailand province of Amnat Charoen have called in the Royal Thai Police Force to help rid them of an evil female spirit, "phi pob," they accuse of killing four cows and sickening four border police officers, reported the BBC in June. In Thai folklore, phi pob can possess people and sow chaos, including a 2016 incident in which neighbors were forced to strip naked at gunpoint by three reportedly possessed individuals. Adul Chaitprasithkul, the local police chief, noted, "More people believe in phi pob than those who don't." [BBC, 6/28/2017]

Pre-existing Conditions

Police in Dearborn, Michigan, are hoping a thief's unusual loot may draw him back to the scene of the crime. Surveillance video at a Walgreens store captured a bald man making off with seven boxes of Rogaine, a hair-growth product, on June 22. "While this is not the most hair-raising crime ... it is suspected he will continue committing this type of crime, as 12 to 14 months of consistent use is needed to see results," Police Chief Ronald Haddad said in a news release. [Detroit Free Press, 6/29/2017]

Police Report

What does ol' St. Nick do in the off-season? Perhaps look for a bail bondsman. In a dramatic chase, Maine State Police pursued a stolen car from Fairfield to Bangor on July 4, finally striking the vehicle and bringing it to a stop. When the driver was taken into custody, he identified himself as Santa Claus. But rest easy, boys and girls: Turns out he was Christos Kassaras, 54, from New Hampshire. [WMTW, 7/5/2017]

Precocious

Residents of Baraboo, Wisconsin, must have done a double-take when they looked outside during the early hours of June 30. Kelly, a full-grown elephant, had escaped from the Circus World Museum nearby and wandered the neighborhood, munching on marigolds. Apparently, her partner, Isla (also an elephant), had used her trunk to free Kelly from a restraint. A trainer from Circus World was summoned, and Kelly was returned to her home at the museum. [The Associated Press, 6/30/2017]

Smooth Reaction

Anger over spilled sugar led a Blue Springs, Missouri, grandfather to a chilly end when his grandson, Tyreik Baldwin, 21, allegedly killed Harvey C. Baldwin, 77, and stuffed him into a chest freezer. A family member who had become worried about the elder Baldwin visited the home on June 30, then called police after Tyreik hit him in the head with a hammer and drove off in the family member's truck. Police caught up with Tyreik as he tried to escape and took him into custody. [Kansas City Star, 7/5/2017]