Nicholas Felton's latest annual recap of his personal communications data is now available, for just $30. Key findings, graphically presented, of Nicholas' busy 2013 (according to a report by FiveThirtyEight.com): He received 44,041 texts and 31,769 emails, had 12,464 face-to-face conversations and 320 phone calls (all detailed by communicatee, from where, at what time, in what language). He reported 385 conversations, for example, with female cashiers, and that 54,963 exclamation points were used across all methods of written communication. (The 2012 report went for $35, but is, along with 2010 and 2011, "sold out," according to feltron.bigcartel.com). [FiveThirtyEight.com, 8-24-2014]

-- The U.K.'s Barnet Council got aggressive in August against a landlord in Hendon, in north London, who had defied an earlier order to stop offering a too-small apartment for residential rental. Landlord Yaakov Marom said tenants were still eager for the room even though the entryway required most people to drop to all fours, since it was less than 28 inches high (and therefore a fire-code violation). Council officers checking on the earlier order against Marom found a couple still residing there, paying the equivalent of $685 a month. [The Guardian, 8-22-2014]

-- When he was 19, Rene Lima-Marin (with a pal) robbed two Aurora, Colorado, video stores at gunpoint and, winning no favors from the judge, received back-to-back sentences totaling 98 years. In 2008, eight years into the sentence, Lima-Marin was mistakenly released and until this year was a model citizen, employed, married with a son, on good terms with his parole officer. However, the mistake was found in January, and he was returned to prison, and according to his lawyers in their August appeal, the original sentence has been reimposed, thus moving his release date to the year 2104. [KMGH-TV (Denver), 8-22-2014]

-- Among the more than 350 convicted violent felons whose right to carry guns has been restored over the past six years by the state of Georgia were 32 who had killed another person and 44 who were sex offenders, according to an August report in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution. As pointed out by ThinkProgress.com, among those who once again can carry is Dennis Krauss, a former Glynn County police officer convicted of raping a woman after a traffic stop. According to the 2003 Georgia Court of Appeals decision affirming his conviction, Officer Krauss had drawn his service weapon and said he wanted to anally penetrate the woman with it. (However, he was convicted only for his extortionate demand for sex.) [Atlanta Journal-Constitution, 8-23-2014]

-- On Aug. 21 and 22, in front of Linwood Howe Elementary School in Culver City, California, traffic officials posted a towering parking regulation sign pole (reportedly, 15 feet high) with at least eight large white signs, one on top of the other -- in familiar red or green lettering, restricting access to the school's curb lane. Each sign contains orders either to not park or to park only under certain conditions, each with its specific hours or other fine-print limitations. The mayor ordered the signs replaced on Aug. 22. [KABC-TV (Los Angeles), 8-22-2014]

Florida was one of 26 states to decline billions in federal funding under the Affordable Care Act ("Obamacare") to establish their own state insurance "exchanges" (including expanding their state Medicaid programs). Florida legislators chose instead to offer a separate state program, funded at less than $1 million, to provide a small level of assistance, including help to the 764,000 people whose low income qualified neither for Medicaid nor Obamacare subsidies. The Tampa Bay Times reported in August that according to the most recent tally, the nine private plans under Florida Health Choices had registered 30 people (26 of whom receive only discount plans for prescription drugs or vision care). [Tampa Bay Times, 8-28-2014]

-- Guests at the May wedding of Shona Carter-Brooks in Ripley, Tennessee, reported that the bride's idea for integrating her month-old daughter into the ceremony consisted of tying her ("well-secured," she said later) to the long train of her wedding dress, dragging the child as the bride walked the aisle. Carter-Brooks was forced to take to her Facebook page in defense: People always "have something negative to say," she wrote, but her wedding was "exclusive and epic." [People.com, 6-2-2014]

-- For their first anniversary in August, Londoners Dan MacIntyre and Dunya Kalantery decided on an odd commemoration: their outsized fascination with their city's notorious 2013 crisis over the 15-ton "fatberg" that clogged a sewer line. They giddily donned waders and went exploring for more masses of the congealed-oil-and-sanitary-wipes, but told The Guardian that they mostly encountered only smaller chunks. (Update: Their timing was off; a "fatberg" "as long as a 747" was spotted in a sewer in west London about a week later.) [The Guardian, 8-19-2014] [Sky News, 9-1-2014]

Plastic surgeons, first in University of Missouri research in 2000 and recently in a study by Singapore doctors in the journal of the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery, have postulated that the "ideal" navel is basically vertically shaped with slight hooding -- and, of course, an "innie." The earlier study "analyzed" photos of 147 females aged 18 to 62, while the Singapore surgeons gazed at shots of 37 Playboy playmates and used a computerized tool to measure "vertical ratio," "midline horizontal position," length "from the xiphoid process ... to the lower limit of the vulvar cleft," and how nearly oval-shaped the belly buttons were. [Today.com (NBC News), 8-22-2014]

(1) Inmate Corey McQueary, 33, passed away in Jessamine County, Kentucky, lockup in August of a methadone overdose. According to state police, another inmate had soaked a pair of underwear in methadone when he was out on release, then brought the item to the jail for McQueary, who tore off piece after piece and swallowed them. (2) Ten years ago, New York City skyscraper heir Robert Durst beat a murder charge by claiming self-defense, and now lives more quietly in Houston. However, police in that city accused Durst in July of, "without provocation," urinating on a cash register in a CVS store, "drenching" a candy rack. [News4SanAntonio, 8-26-2014] [Houston Chronicle, 7-23-2014]

Unclear on the Concept: A 20-year-old woman was arrested in Seattle in August after calling police to complain that she was being harassed by a man who was following her. Police arrived to find that the "stalker" was simply trying to get his phone back after the woman stole it from him while he was napping on a bus. [KOMO-TV (Seattle), 8-12-2014]

(1) A Washington State Patrol lieutenant pulled over a 28-year-old drunk driver on Aug. 9 in a logistically impressive arrest. The lieutenant, when he spotted the driver, happened to be in the 36-foot-long motor home converted to the department's mobile unit for processing DUIs, but nonetheless maneuvered the vehicle well enough to pursue and stop the driver. (2) Sarah Espinosa, 22, crashed into a fire station in New Hyde Park, New York, on Aug. 4, notable for the involvement of two factors -- alcohol and the presence of a python draped around her neck. (She was charged with having just stolen the snake from a Petco store.) [KOMO-TV (Seattle), 8-18-2014] [Wall Street Journal, 8-5-2014]

They Don't Make "Drug Lords" Like They Used To: (1) Widely feared Jamaican drug kingpin Christopher "Dudus" Coke was arrested in June (2010) and extradited to New York City after being picked up wearing women's clothes and a too-small 1970s-style Afro wig. The Jamaica Observer reported that Coke wet his pants as he was arrested. (2) Longtime South African drug lord Fadwaan "Fat" Murphy, speaking at a bail hearing in January (2010) in Cape Town, disclosed that he was born a hermaphrodite and has a separate identity ("Hilary"), which puzzled arresting officers, who had discovered that Murphy was wearing a strap-on penis. Murphy was insistent. "I look like a man. I talk like a man. I am a man." [Daily Mail, 6-24-10; Jamaica Observer, 6-27-10] [Sunday Times (Johannesburg), 1-10-10]

Thanks This Week to Kat Alessi, Kyle Gray, and Perry Levin, and to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.

(1) German Rolf Buchholz, who owns the Guinness Book world record for most body piercings (453), said he was upset to be denied entrance into United Arab Emirates in August to fulfill a performance of sorts at Dubai's Fairmont Hotel. Buchholz said officials gave no explanation, although in addition to the piercings (example: at least 50 beads stuck to his lips), he has also implanted horns in his forehead. (2) Caius Veiovis, 33, is similarly concerned about his forehead horns. While preparing for trial in Hamden, Massachusetts, in a gruesome 2011 triple murder, he has decided to freshen up somewhat by removing the spikes from his nostrils, but still needs the judge's help to warn prospective jurors not to presume guilt from his six horns. [NBC News, 8-17-2014] [The Republican (Springfield, Mass.), 8-18-2014]

-- After several contestants in the 2013 world swimming championships in Barcelona, Spain, remarked that the racers in lanes 5 to 8 seemed to swim faster than those in lanes 1 to 4, two researchers investigated further and concluded, in July, that there was a rogue current on the lane-8 side of the pool. In fact, most of the losers swam in lane 1, and the lane 8 swimmers produced a glut of medals, and, wrote the researchers, a current would be "the only cause that we can propose to explain these findings." [Wall Street Journal, 7-24-2014]

-- The New Normal: In America, TV pundits merely shout at each other, but twice recently in Middle East TV debates, discussants have roughhoused on the air. Journalist Shakir al-Johari was involved both times, on the Jordanian 7 Stars channel in May and on Dubai TV in July. In the first, the studio was wrecked, according to Al-Arabiya news service, and the latter incident was calmed only after al-Johari threw his chair at lawyer Saleh Khrais. [BBC News, 5-7-2014] [emirates247.com, 7-21-2014]

-- From the Foreign Press: (1) After police issued a plea for help in July to identify the perpetrators of a porn movie filmed inside an Austrian church and in which actors' faces were obscured, a serious fan of Austrian porn spoke up, naming the 24-year-old female lead. The nude breasts of the star, he said, were unmistakably those of "Babsi," a popular actress, and she was subsequently charged with trespassing in the church. (2) Wilfred Mashaya told a magistrate in Harare, Zimbabwe, in June that he wanted to divorce his wife because, when they sleep together, "She would not even make any sexual sound" -- which was, to him, unbearable. The magistrate took the case under advisement. [The Local (Vienna), 7-14-2014] [Bulawayo24.com (Harare), 6-29-2014]

-- Not Our Fault: In July, two of the four fertilizer manufacturers operating in the vicinity of the April 2013 massive explosion and fire in West, Texas, filed motions contesting the city's lawsuit against them. According to the companies, it was actually the city's ill-trained first responders and volunteer firefighters who caused many of the injuries. [Waco Tribune, 7-26-2014]

-- A Matter of Scale: (1) Police in Cologne, Germany, wrote a bicycle-equipment infraction against Bogdan Ionescu in April because his bike had no right-side handlebar brake. But since Ionescu has no right arm, he fought the ticket, and in July received a police apology. (2) David Rainsford, 44, is contesting the fee charged for a routine eye exam by Specsavers in Cramlington, England. He wants a discount because he has no right eye. (However, Specsavers says Rainsford's glass eye can pose risks for the good eye and that the area surrounding both eyes must be checked, as well.) [Agence France-Presse via Daily Telegraph (London), 7-1-2014] [The Chronicle (Newcastle upon Tyne), 7-21- 2014]

-- Despite all that has transpired in Ukraine this year, the country's defense industry manufacturers continue to sell military gear to Russia (including "key parts for ship engines, advanced targeting technology for tanks and upkeep for Russia's heaviest nuclear missiles," according to an August Washington Post dispatch). The Ukrainian government may be hostile to Russia, but workers at companies such as Motor Sich fear loss of jobs in an already deep recession. Said a Motor Sich spokesman, "We have our own (political) party, the party of Motor Sich." [Washington Post, 8-15-2014]

-- Dilemmas of the 1 Percent: In July, New York City approved construction of a 33-story condominium/apartment tower housing both luxury units (219, facing the Hudson River) and "affordable" units (55, facing the street) -- with separate entrances so the beautiful people could avoid the more downscale. (The developer, Extell, said it deserves credit for carving out the "affordable" units because the luxury units are more profitable.) [New York Post, 7-20-2014]

-- Considering the height restrictions zoned into London's super-prime real estate, the only practical way for some owners to expand is to go underground (as deep as five stories' worth of "basement"), which requires heavy digging machines. However, by the time the excavation is finished, the machines are mired at the bottom of a huge pit with no easy way to bring the behemoths up. Consequently, on some jobs, reported the New Statesman in June, property owners have elected merely to leave the machines buried under what would be their sub-basement. [New Statesman, 6-5-2014]

-- The Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species recently estimated that nearly 50,000 African elephants were killed for their tusks in the last two years, continuing the century-long drastic decline in wild pachyderms. The Fish and Wildlife Service (FWS) has thus proposed new rules to curb ivory imports into the United States, to discourage American buying. However, in July, the National Rifle Association warned that the FWS rules would be "disastrous" for America's collectors of antique pearl-handled guns and urged members to fight the regulations (even though, as NRA advocates acknowledged, few gun owners would be affected). [The Hill (Washington, D.C.), 7-12-2014]

In August, a criminology professor at Rome's La Sapienza University arranged a two-hour guest lecture on "emergency practices" by an "experienced" hand -- Francesco Schettino, the captain currently on trial in Italy for his role in the sinking of the cruise ship Costa Concordia in 2012, when 32 people died. Said the captain: "I was called to speak because I am an expert. ... I know what to do in these sorts of situations." (Schettino will have to refute alleged evidence that "what to do" included running straight for the nearest lifeboat.) [Associated Press via News.com.au (Sydney), 8-7-2014]

Bright Ideas: (1) Bradley Hardison, 24, on the lam in the Elizabeth City, North Carolina, area from two break-in charges, nonetheless decided to enter a newsworthy contest in August -- a public "doughnut-eating" competition, in which police officers and firefighters were his competitors. Hardison managed to win, downing eight doughnuts in two minutes, thus attracting even more attention. After one officer recognized him, he fled but was easily caught. (2) Recurring Theme: Raymond Betson became the most recent perp (in July in Swanley, England) to intend to break into a store (this time, a money-lending store) by ramming the wall with a digger -- but broke through the wrong wall (and then another wrong wall after that). Police were summoned by the commotion and arrested him. [Reuters, 8-8-2014] [ThisIsLocalLondon.co.uk, 7-21-2014]

(1) The tornado that ripped through Kingsport, Tennessee, on July 27 damaged Jerrod Christian's house, leaving furniture and tools strewn about his lawn. Unfortunately, according to police who filed four charges against him the next day, some of the items (an air compressor, a welder, a ratchet, an air hose, a weed trimmer) belonged to his neighbors, who had long suspected (without proof) that Christian had burglarized their homes. (2) Russian researchers launched several critters into space on July 19, including a male and four female geckos (to follow their mating capabilities), but by July 25 reported that they had lost contact with the satellite, drawing comical concern (most notably, from TV's Stephen Colbert). Although the communication link was restored several days later, with the geckos reportedly still copulating, ultimately only the mission's fruit flies survived the satellite's return to Earth. [ABC News, 7-30-2014] [New York Times, 9-2-2014]

Thanks This Week to Alan Magid, Suzi McCoy, Sarah Del Collo, Tracy Westen, and Christine Van Lenten, and to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.

As summed up by a Vox.com writer: "The absurdity runs deep." America uses American military equipment to bomb American military equipment that ISIS captured (from inept Iraqi soldiers, inept in part since America disbanded Iraq's professional military in 2003). America's Kurdish allies, fighting ISIS, use inferior Russian weapons they captured in the 1980s. ISIS has a so-far-safer haven in Syria because America declined to arm moderate Syrian rebels, largely out of fear that radicals like the future ISIS would capture weapons America provided. "So now (America is) bombing the guns that (it) didn't mean to give ISIS because (America) didn't give guns to their enemies because then ISIS might get guns." [Vox.com, 8-8-2014]

-- Thomas Clark, 28, of Crawley, England, beat one of society's most foreboding charges in July when he was acquitted of voyeurism even after admitting that he had hidden that video camera in a workplace rest room, and even despite evidence that he formerly worked in the pornography industry. Clark persuaded a Horsham Magistrates Court judge that he suffered an extreme phobia of diarrhea and vomit and that, by hiding the camera, he was thinking only of ascertaining that the rest room was clean before he entered. [Crawley News, 7-25-2014]

-- In America, We're All Great Parents: (1) Kayla McKenzie, 22, was charged with DUI in Bismarck, North Dakota, a condition that led her to crash into five separate vehicles or structures on Aug. 12 -- while, according to police, three unsecured children were in her car, including a year-old infant riding in her lap. Nonetheless, said the 0.252 blood-alcohol driver, "I look like a bad mother, but I'm not. I'm actually a really good mom." (2) Rayvon Campos, 22, pleaded guilty in San Antonio in August to first-degree felony assault of his 1-month-old daughter that resulted in brain hemorrhaging. Nonetheless, he reassured the judge, "This is the first time I've ever been in trouble. ... I'm a real good dude." [Bismarck Tribune, 8-13-2014] [San Antonio Express-News, 8-14-2014]

-- A fire hydrant at 393 University Ave. has brought in more parking ticket revenue (since 2008) than any other hydrant in Toronto -- $289,620 on 2,962 violations, according to an August Toronto Star report. While hydrants are usually located at curbside to facilitate fire-engine access, the one at 393 University Ave. was placed about 20 feet from the curb, in the middle of a sidewalk, and obscured by a tree in a planter about 8 feet long. (Nonetheless, the law's wording treats the hydrant, for illegal-parking and revenue-earning purposes, as if it were curbside.) [Toronto Star, 8-11-2014]

-- A woman hiking in Down Valley Park near Placerville, Colorado, told Denver's KUSA-TV in August of her narrow escape from a mountain lion that had stalked her for a half-hour (crouching menacingly each time she attempted to retreat). At the closest point, recalled Kyra Kopestonsky, it was about 8 feet away. At that point, she told the reporter, "I don't know why," but "I just started singing opera really loud." The mountain lion "sort of put its ears down and ... backed away." (Only then was she able to call a friend, who alerted rescuers.) [KUSA-TV, 8-5-2014]

-- Arrest Him at Your Peril: In July, a jury in Brooklyn, New York, awarded Kevin Jarman, 50, $510,000 from the city for the broken ankle he suffered during his arrest for shoplifting in May 2011 (a charge to which he eventually pleaded guilty). Among his other New York City income: a $20,000 settlement for false arrest on a drug charge in 2013 and another, for $15,000, in 2005. [New York Post, 7-17-2014]

-- I Know the Feeling, But: (1) Gloria Baca-Lucero, 48, was arrested in Albuquerque in July after allegedly holding a Comcast cable installer's tool bag at gunpoint in her home. She said she believed that her service call was free, but the installer told her otherwise, and she apparently decided to detain the tool bag. (2) German truck driver Michael Harry K., 58, went to trial in August in Wuerzburg, Bavaria, charged with firing his gun in the direction of drivers more than 700 times in five years out of displeasure with their poor road habits. He never actually hit anyone (but police said he caused at least one serious injury by frightening a driver into a collision). [Albuquerque Journal, 7-30-2014] [Agence France-Presse via Yahoo News, (London), 8-11-2014]

-- Immature: (1) Princeton University professor John Mulvey, 67 (who teaches financial engineering applications), was charged in July with stealing 21 yard signs around the town of Princeton -- signs for a computer repair business owned by a man with whom he was feuding. (2) Nathan McCoy, 21, sought by police near Boise, Idaho, in July on a probation violation, took off running, forcing officers to chase him onto the Eagle Hills Golf Course. McCoy sought "refuge" in a pond, standing waist-deep as deputies tried to coax him out, but even with the pond surrounded, it still took McCoy a half-hour of standing there to conclude that he did not have a Plan B. [Daily Princetonian, 7-14-2014] [Idaho Statesman, 7-23-2014]

Walker Harnden, 19, a sophomore at the University of North Carolina School of the Arts, was recognized in April for a Guinness Book record for the highest note ever whistled (B7). Harnden, who told the Raleigh News & Observer that he has "irritated his parents and friends for years," admits that he whistles "all the time" -- up to four or five hours a day. [News & Observer, 4-18-2014]

In 2010, the village of West Lafayette, Ohio, barred residents from keeping fowl and farm animals, but Iraq war veteran Darin Welker, 36, believes his post-war depression and trauma are unusually well-assisted now that he has befriended 14 pet ducks that he keeps at home. The Department of Veterans Affairs, which paid for Welker's back surgery, stopped short of providing physical therapy and counseling, causing him more than ever to rely on the ducks, which he says motivate him to get out of the house and provide them with caretaking services. Village officials, however, cited him in June for misdemeanor fowl-housing. [Associated Press via KOMO-TV (Seattle), 7-20-2014]

"Streamers," according to workers at the state-of-the-art solar plant in California's Mojave Desert, are birds that cross the path of the 300,000 garage-door-sized mirrors that magnify the sun's rays on their way to producing steam to power 140,000 homes. Those birds, instantly fried, vanish in plumes of smoke at the rate of perhaps one every two minutes, according to an August Associated Press dispatch from Ivanpah Dry Lake near the Nevada border. According to federal wildlife officials, the plant's bright light attracts insects, which then attract even more birds. The operator, BrightSource Energy, said there is no feasible way to protect the birds. [Associated Press, 8-18-2014]

Questionable Decisions: (1) Ryan Mullins, 22, was arrested in Swansboro, North Carolina, in August when he came to an officer's attention at 5:30 a.m. Police said he had broken into a pharmacy, had stolen the 100-pound safe, and was dragging it behind his car when the officer routinely pulled in front of him. Nonetheless, Mullins decided to try and pass the officer. (2) Robert Haught Jr., 42, was captured after a high-speed chase through Burlington, Massachusetts, in August, with police recovering "stacks" of stolen credit cards and suspected- stolen high-end electronics from the car. Haught had attracted police attention by parking his car (with a mismatched license plate), unattended, with engine running, in a handicapped parking spot. [WCTI-TV (New Bern, N.C.), 8-12-2014] [WCVB-TV (Boston), 8-12-2014]

Briton Robert Dee, feeling humiliated at being called the "world's worst tennis pro" by London's Daily Telegraph (and other news organizations) sued the newspaper for libel in 2009. After taking testimony in February 2010, the judge dismissed the lawsuit, convinced by Dee's having lost 54 consecutive international tour matches (each in straight sets). Fearful of an opposite result, 30 other news organizations had prematurely apologized to Dee for disparaging him, but the Telegraph had stood its ground (and was, of course, humble in victory, titling its story on the outcome, "'World's Worst' Tennis Player Loses Again.") [The Guardian (London), 4-28-10]

Thanks This Week to Craig Cryer, and to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.