Prominent theoretical chemist David Glowacki was ejected from a classical music concert at England's Bristol Old Vic in June for disrupting a performance of Handel's "Messiah" by attempting to crowd-surf in front of the stage. Dr. Glowacki, an expert in non-equilibrium molecular reaction dynamics and who is presently a visiting scientist at Stanford University, was attending a special "informal" performance at which audience members were encouraged to stand and cheer loudly instead of showing the usual demure appreciation. He said afterward that he could not control himself when the performance moved to the "Hallelujah Chorus." [Irish Independent, 6-20-2014]

-- A formal-dress rental store in Fukui, Japan, with a side business making keepsake portraits of client brides, was surprised at the number of men who began requesting a similar service -- to be outfitted just like the women, in wedding gowns and other frills. In fact, just as women expect full makeup and hairstyling for their portraits, so, too, do the men. The store, Marry Mariee, charges the equivalent of about $400 ($600 on weekends). Said the manager, "We want to provide opportunities for people to enjoy showing their real selves, whether they are men or women." [Kyodo News via Bangkok Post, 4-25-2014]

-- Paid time off of work for women experiencing brutal menstrual periods is not yet guaranteed in U.S. law, but it is a staple of workplace rights in Japan, South Korea, Taiwan and Indonesia, according to a May report by The Atlantic (although in Indonesia, women report that some employers require on-the-scene "proof" of condition; Japan's policy has been in place for over 60 years). However, concluded The Atlantic, the policies are based less on rights of workers than on "the scientifically dubious notion" that stressing females during menses will result in difficult future childbirths. [The Atlantic, 5-16-2014]

-- Parental fear of having raised girls and boys who will never marry, plus China's boy-heavy gender imbalance, have provoked the government to fund a series of matchmaking conventions to create opportunities and incentives for matrimony. However, because of widespread disinterest by singles, many of the attendees at the recent Shanghai Matchmaking Expo were parents touting their kids' credentials to other unmarrieds. A dispatch from Vice.com reported "notice boards" full of cards (resembling baseball trading cards) and makeshift posters attached to umbrellas, reciting age, education and salary. Success of the expos was hard to predict, wrote Vice, because (as is so often the case with social mixers) many singles passed the time in silence, and many desirable candidates were no-shows. [Vice.com, 6-5-2014]

-- Perspective: San Francisco's activist Board of Supervisors, among the boldest in the country to rid their cities of obnoxious goods and services, added disposable plastic water bottles to the list in March (to join circumcision, plastic shopping bags and nutrition- challenged "Happy Meals" that contain toys). The water bottle vote was unanimous (covering distribution on city-controlled property), compared to the cliff-hanging 2012 vote (6-5), in which the board finally decided to ban unclothed people from the streets (mostly men, of course), where until then some freely wandered downtown sidewalks stark naked. [San Jose Mercury News, 3-5-2014]

-- Jordan Haskins, 24, is Michigan Republicans' best hope for the open state House seat in Saginaw in November, but he is burdened by a teenage past of being "young and stupid," he told the Saginaw News in June. Haskins has been in prisons in two states (and is still on parole) stemming from trespassing and breaking-and-entering charges yearly from 2006 to 2011 -- most involving vehicles he used for sex (by himself). (He admits to "cranking," in which he would remove spark plug wires and try to start the car, pleasuring himself while watching the sparks and listening to the noise.) "I was in a messed-up state of mind, mentally and emotionally," he said, but now is proud of the man he has become. "You may not respect my policies (or) my ideas, but you at least have to respect me as a person." [Saginaw News, 6-27-2014]

-- Inexplicable: Congressional candidate Tim Murray handily lost June's primary election (82 percent to 5 percent) in Oklahoma's 3rd District to incumbent U.S. Rep. Frank Lucas, but he did not give up. In a rambling letter to KFOR-TV in Oklahoma City, Murray accused "Lucas" of being a body-double for Lucas, since it is "widely known" that the "real" Frank Lucas was executed by order of the World Court in southern Ukraine in January 2011. Lucas, asked for a comment, told the station, "It does come as kind of a shock to read that (I'm) not (me)." [KFOR-TV, 6-26-2014]

-- The county Association of Governments in Phoenix notified Diane "DD" Barker recently that she could continue to address association meetings as a community activist, but was to cease introducing her remarks by performing cartwheels, as she apparently has done several times in the past. Barker, a 65-year-old former Ohio State University cheerleader, said she seeks to demonstrate the value of exercise and public transportation, but agreed to hold off on the cartwheels. [KPHO-TV (Phoenix), 6-18-2014]

-- Officials at a town meeting in Oxford, Massachusetts, on May 7 were considering whether the municipality should take back its water system from the current owner, Aquarion, when suddenly a fire alarm sounded, resulting in a delay that eventually worked to Aquarion's benefit. Later that month, Oxford police charged William Malloy Jr., 57, with pulling the false alarm. Malloy is a lobbyist for Aquarion, and a Worcester Telegram & Gazette report of the meeting suggests that causing the meeting to run into the early hours of May 8 helped Aquarion garner the necessary votes to prevent the buyback. [Worcester Telegram & Gazette, 5-29-2014]

The leader of Romania's Orthodox church was shown in June on the church's website performing a traditional blessing of a newly inaugurated facility, in this case the church-owned Trinitas Radio and Television studios. The rooms are big and the walls are tall, and Patriarch Daniel is pictured applying holy oil to the facilities with a long-armed commercial paint roller. [BBC News, 6-17-2014]

In a May deposition on a priest-child sex abuse lawsuit against the Catholic Archdiocese of St. Paul and Minneapolis, then-auxiliary bishop Robert Carlson said he was "not sure" in 1984 whether he "knew it was a crime or not" for an adult to engage in sex with a child. (Carlson added, reassuringly, "I understand today it's a crime." Carlson today is the archbishop of St. Louis.) Lawyers for the plaintiffs quickly questioned Carlson's candor, pointing to other 1984-era documents in which Carlson referred to the statute of limitations for legal protection (suggesting he at least suspected that adult-child sex was illegal). [St. Louis Post-Dispatch, 6-10-2014]

Recently charged with indecent exposure: (1) Fredrick Davis, 49, reported at Toronto's Agincourt Library in June allegedly using one hand to masturbate while pointedly holding a cucumber in the other. (2) Lonnie Hutton, 49, allegedly pulled down his pants at the Boro Bar and Grill in Murfreesboro, Tennessee, in May and "attempted to have sexual intercourse with the ATM." (3) Dr. Jeffrey Frank, 53, a prominent University of Chicago neurologist, was arrested recently (for the fourth time on similar charges) when he allegedly pleasured himself while standing at a hotel room window. (4) David Foskette, 24, allegedly was masturbating while driving in view of other motorists (though he claimed merely that he was scratching his itchy "manzilian" wax job). [Toronto Sun, 6-4-2014] [WATE-TV (Knoxville), 5-19-2014] [Chicago Tribune, 5-21-2014] [KCPQ-TV (Seattle), 5-23-2014]

(1) In yet another bizarre animal beauty contest, in June, the tiny serama chicken pageant was celebrated on the outskirts of Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. Seramas (which are thought by natives to have aphrodisiac powers) have richly colored plumage and a bearing -- protruding, heart-shaped chest, wings hanging to the ground -- more resembling a goose-stepping soldier than a bird, reported Agence France-Presse. (2) The most recent public toilet explosion (caused by pressure buildup) leveled a commode in the courthouse in Stillwater County, Montana, in June. The deputy county treasurer, Norma Brewer, who had just finished her business, was not injured, but now has another page for her memoirs. [Agence France-Presse via Asiaone.com (Singapore), 6-21-2014] [Billings Gazette, 6-25-2014]

Thanks This Week to Alex Boese, Denise Sanabria, Lance Ellisor, Tracy Westen, John Keller, and Steve Dunn, and to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.

California Polytechnic State University at San Luis Obispo has a huge, 350-student "viticulture and enology" program, preparing its majors for an industry critical to the state's economy (and with a venerable international cachet) -- but puritanical state law continues to hobble it. Many in Cal Poly's four-year wine-making program must arrange for a fifth year -- after they turn 21 -- because, otherwise, faculty and administrators could be felons for "furnishing alcohol to a minor" when they assign students to taste their own class creations. The current California legislative session is considering allowing underage wine-making students to sip and spit. [San Luis Obispo Tribune, 6-20-2014] [Arizona Capitol Times, 6-2-2014] [Arizona Republic, 6-17-2014]

-- On dairy farms across the country, cows bizarrely queue up, without prodding, to milk themselves by submitting to $250,000 robots that have recently become the salvation of the industry. According to an April New York Times report, this advance appears to be "win-win" (except for migrant laborers watching choice jobs disappear) -- more efficient for the farmer and more pleasant for the cow, which -- constantly pregnant -- usually prefers frequent milking. Amazingly, cows have learned the drill, moseying up to the precise spot to engage the robot's arms for washing and nipple-cupping. The robots also yield copious data tracked from transponders worn around the cow's neck. [New York Times, 4-22-2014]

-- Argentinian agricultural scientists in 2008 created the "methane backpack" to collect the emissions of grazing cows (with a tube from the cow's rumen to the inflatable bag) in order to see how much of the world's greenhouse-gas problem was created by livestock. Having discovered that figure (it's 25-30 percent), the country's National Institute of Agricultural Technology announced recently that it will start storing the collected methane to convert it to energy. In a "proof of concept" hypothesis, it estimates that about 300 liters of methane could power a refrigerator for 24 hours. [Fast Company, 4-15-2014]

-- Bioengineers who work with Dictyostelium slime molds held the "Dicty World Race" in Boston in May for a $5,000 prize and intellectual adulation in August at the Annual International Dictyostelium Conference in Potsdam, Germany. The molds oozed down the 800-micrometer (0.0315 inches) track, lured to the finish line by ordinary bacteria that the molds normally enjoy. A team from the Netherlands beat out 19 others for the coveted prize. (Among the other "games" scientists play, mentioned in the same Nature.com story is the "Prisoners' Smellemma," in which players mix obscure samples in a test tube and smell the result to guess what their opponent used.) [Nature.com, 5-7-2014]

-- Artist Diemut Strebe offered his 3-D-printed re-creation of the famous ear of Vincent van Gogh for display in June and July in a museum in Karlsruhe, Germany -- having built it partially with genes from a great-great-grand-nephew of van Gogh -- and in the same shape, based on computer imaging technology. (Van Gogh reputedly cut off the ear himself, in 1888, during a psychotic episode.) Visitors can also speak into the ear and listen to sounds it receives. [Wall Street Journal, 6-4-2014]

-- Researchers from the Polish Academy of Sciences, writing recently in the journal Zoo Biology, reported witnessing 28 acts of fellatio by two orphaned male bears at a sanctuary in Kuterevo, Croatia -- the first-ever report of bear fellatio and the payoff from 116 hours of scientific observation over a six-year period. In each case, the researchers wrote, the older male was the receiver, and the researchers speculated that the episodes were less sexual in nature than a reflection of the bears' "early deprivation of maternal suckling." [LiveScience.com, 6-17-2014]

(1) A black-and-white housecat, Lenny, was turned back to a shelter near Rochester, New York, in April, only two days after adoption because the new owner could not tolerate Lenny's flatulence. (A braver second adopter, even though "warned," has taken Lenny in successfully.) (2) When three parrots were stolen from a home in Saxilby, England, in June, the owner provided police with their descriptions, even though all three are African greys, quite talkative and look very much alike. One of the three, however, has asthma and is easily recognized by his chronic cough. (3) Miles Jelfs of Bristol, England, was seeking financial help in April to cover surgery for his hard-luck tortoise, Cedric, whose prolapsed penis (likely from a mating mishap) constantly drags on the ground, partially erect. [Democrat & Chronicle (Rochester), 4-9-2014] [BBC News, 6-8-2014] [Daily Mail (London), 4-18-2014]

Paul Stenstrom, 62, lived comfortably in his Palm Harbor, Florida, home from 2002-2014 without paying a penny of his $1,836 monthly mortgage bill, exploiting federal bankruptcy law that forces foreclosing creditors to back off once a debtor files for protection. Stenstrom and his wife filed 18 separate petitions in that 12-year period, according to an April Tampa Bay Times report, until a judge recently cut them off. The Stenstroms were spotted recently preparing to relocate -- but Stenstrom said he was considering buying the Palm Harbor house back (since the price has dropped because of the foreclosure). [Tampa Bay Times, 4-12-2014]

-- Several "professional organizers" in New York City told a New York Post reporter in May that this summer is far busier than in years past for clients who need help packing their kids' trunks for summer camp. One consultant, who charges $250 an hour, said it is as if moms fear that the slightest change from home life will stress out their little darlings. Some mothers' attention to details include packing the same luxury bedding the campers sleep on at home, along with their special soap and candles and even separate plastic boxes to provide the cuties more storage space. [New York Post, 5-23-2014]

-- First-World Sales Launches: (1) Daneson (an Ontario "purveyor of fine toothpicks") recently introduced $35.99 "Artisanal Toothpicks" (that's per dozen, in "Single Malt" and other exotic flavors) for the discriminating dental raker. The lemon-flavored picks are a bargain at only $19.99, yet are made from the same "finest quality Northern White Birch," "prepared according to exacting recipes." (2) The Skin By Molly salon in Brooklyn (and by now, perhaps, competitors) offers "facials" for the derriere (occasioned by a recent social-media fascination with "bum selfies.") Molly's is the "Shiney Hiney Facial" ($65 for a 30-minute treatment), important because, she says, "Acne can flare up anywhere." [Gothamist, 5-22-2014] [Huffington Post UK, 5-23-2014]

(1) A "stocky" man in his 30s wearing a Cincinnati Reds baseball cap was sought in New York City in June after holding up five banks in the space of about three and a half hours but earning a total of only $449 (still, an average of $128 an hour). (Actually, $399 came from one Chase branch and $50 from another; three banks had shooed him away empty-handed.) (2) Notorious San Diego tagger Francisco Canseco, 18, was present in a downtown courtroom in June for a hearing on 31 misdemeanor paint-vandalism charges and apparently could not contain his boredom. While waiting (as officials discovered only the next day), Canseco managed to tag numerous chairs in the courtroom, along with benches in the hallway. (Vandalism of a courthouse is a felony.) [New York Daily News, 6-17-2014] [San Diego Union-Tribune, 6-17-2014]

It turns out (contrary to a report in News of the Weird on April 20th) that Dayton, Ohio, transit driver Rickey Wagoner was not saved by the religious book in his pocket that absorbed a bullet from an attack by "three black teenagers." After a thorough investigation, the Dayton police chief told reporters in June that Wagoner's allegations were "unfounded" and "fabricated." The chief reported that Wagoner was under financial stress at the time but declined to speculate further, though he did reassure the community that no such attackers were being sought. [Dayton Daily News, 6-20-2014]

Plant City (Florida) High School near Tampa announced that its 2014 valedictorian, Ms. Dhara Patel, had graduated with a grade-point average of 10.03. She not only vanquished the students who had fought for the formerly coveted 4.0, but she aced her heavy load of the ultra-competitive "advanced placement" courses for extra credit. [WTVT (Tampa), 5-13-2014]

Thanks This Week to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisers.

Scott Fistler, twice a loser for electoral office in Phoenix, Arizona, as a Republican, decided in November 2013 that his luck might improve as a Democrat with a name change, and legally became "Cesar Chavez," expecting to poll better in a heavily Hispanic, Democratic congressional district. ("Cesar Chavez" is of course the name of the legendary labor organizer.) Furthermore, according to a June report in the Arizona Capitol Times, "Chavez's" campaign website features photographs of frenzied supporters holding "Chavez" signs, but which are obviously scenes from the streets of Venezuela at rallies for its late president Hugo Chavez. (At press time for News of the Weird, a judge had removed "Chavez" from the ballot, but only because some qualifying signatures were invalid. "Chavez" promised to appeal.) [Arizona Capitol Times, 6-2-2014] [Arizona Republic, 6-17-2014]

-- U.S. District Judge Richard Kopf of Omaha, Nebraska, trying to be helpful, he said, advised female lawyers appearing in his courtroom to lower their hemlines and cover their cleavage because males, including Judge Kopf himself, are "pigs." Writing in his personal blog in March, he said, "I have been a dirty old man ever since I was a very young man" and that the women in his office are similarly contemptuous of daringly dressed female lawyers. The lifetime-tenured judge later said he regretted any harm to the judiciary that his remarks might have caused. [Slate.com, 3-27-2014]

-- Almond Upton, 60, charged with murder for "intentionally" striking a New York state trooper in May with his pickup truck, denied everything. He told reporters following his first court appearance that he is bewildered by the accusation: "I was (close to) the Connecticut border, and all of a sudden, I'm in Binghamton, New York (about 140 miles from Connecticut), and this cop got killed, I don't know how it happened. It had to be a time warp." [United Press International, 5-30-2014]

-- The National Security Agency admitted in a June court filing that it had disobeyed two judicial orders to stop deleting accusatory evidence in its databases (which judges had ordered preserved to help determine if the NSA was illegally violating privacy laws). The NSA's reasoning for its chutzpah: Its data-gathering systems, it claims, are "too complex" to prevent the automatic deletions routinely programmed into its data, and it cannot reprogram to preserve the data without shutting down its entire intelligence-gathering mission. The challenging party (the Electronic Frontier Foundation) called the NSA's explanation disingenuous and, in fact, further proof that the NSA is incapable of properly managing such massive data-gathering. [The Daily Caller, 6-10-2014]

-- Michael Adrian, 26, was arrested in Lakeville, Minnesota, in June for frightening officials at Lakeville North High School by skateboarding in front of the school, in military dress, face covered by a bandana, with an arrow strapped to his arm, and concealing knives, a box-cutter, a slingshot and pepper spray. Adrian told police he was merely "testing" the school's security system by "looking like an a

-- At an April press conference on a train station platform in Milford, Connecticut, to critique the allegedly shoddy safety record of the Metro-North rail line, U.S. Sen. Richard Blumenthal of Connecticut set up a chart on an easel to illustrate the problem. Suddenly, a train roared through the station and, according to news reports, "nearly" clipped Sen. Blumenthal, who was standing on the yellow platform line that passengers are admonished to stand behind. [WTNH-TV (New Haven), 4-18-2014]

-- In June, a jury in Fresno, California, decided that Bobby Lee Pearson, 37, was guilty of burglary -- but they accidentally signed the "not-guilty" form, instead, and by the time Judge W. Kent Hamlin caught the error, he could not change it (because of "double jeopardy"). Pearson walked out a free man, went to his sister's home, got into a fight hours later, and was stabbed to death by the sister's boyfriend. [Associated Press via OregonLive.com, 6-12-2014]

-- The animosity between Brevard County (Florida) judge John Murphy and public defender Andrew Weinstock festered over the lawyer's refusal to waive his client's right to a speedy trial, but came to a head on June 2, when the judge told Weinstock, "Stop pissing me off. Just sit down." Weinstock persisted: "I have a right to stand and represent my client." The judge responded: "If you want to fight, let's go out back, and I'll just beat your a

-- Robert Wallace, 32, a Houston software developer, filed a lawsuit in May to get back some items after a failed romance. According to Wallace, he had loaned a laptop computer, $2,000 cash and his Harry Potter DVDs to his sweetheart, Ms. Nomi Mims, a local stripper. Wallace said the loans were made only because he thought she was in love with him and that they were "building a future together," but now realizes he was wrong. Mims calls the items "gifts" and noted, "I've given him gifts, too. You know, how do I get my booty back?" [KRIV-TV (Houston), 5-16-2014, 5-19-2014]

-- (1) Authorities somehow could not prevent an inmate serving life at a North Carolina prison from arranging, via a contraband cellphone, to have the 63-year-old father of his prosecutor kidnapped and tortured. (The FBI managed to rescue the man five days after his abduction.) (2) The U.S. State Department somehow cannot arrange safe haven for Afghan interpreters who risked their lives daily serving U.S. combat troops and who face almost certain retaliation by militants once Americans have departed. Even the coordinator of the interpreter program, who applied for a U.S. visa in 2012, has not been approved (according to a March 2014 New York Times dispatch). [New York Post, 4-14-2014] [New York Times, 3-25-2014]

-- The sailing events at the 2016 Summer Olympics will be held on Rio de Janeiro's Guanabara Bay, but dire warnings have been issued about the filthy, squalid condition of the bay and the near impossibility of a timely cleanup. A New York Times reporter, in a May dispatch, cited car tires, floating mattresses, dog carcasses, a partly submerged sofa and free-flowing untreated raw sewage. A Brazilian competitive sailor admitted that he had personally seen four human corpses in the bay. (By comparison, for the Beijing Olympics, 1,000 cleanup boats were dispatched just to remove algae from the sailing venue, but only three cleanup boats are operating on Guanabara now, with merely several dozen planned.) [New York Times, 5-19-2014]

-- Arachnophobes (and their snake-fearing cousins, the ophidiophobes) may be in for an interesting 2016 Summer Olympics, in that Brazil seems to be one giant incubator of the scariest insects and vipers on the planet. Chief among them, reported the Wall Street Journal in June, are the Brazilian wandering spider -- the world's most poisonous and, in addition, the size of a dinner plate -- whose venom at least owns the "redeeming" value of momentarily giving bitten men erections. Off the coast of Sao Paulo is the uninhabited (and barred to visitors) Ilha de Queimada Grande, overrun by the super-deadly golden lancehead pit viper (whose population may be as many as five snakes per square meter of land area). [Wall Street Journal, 6-10-2014]

-- (1) A British National Health Service hospital in Stockton, England, apparently failed to learn from a 2012 tragedy at Scarborough Hospital when, in May, a patient caught fire during surgery. (Tip for Next Time: Either no alcohol sterilizers or no electricity-made incisions.) (2) In the latest creative image-enhancer by a municipal sewage plant, Seattle's Brightwater Treatment facility is offering to rent its indoor rooms ($2,000 for eight hours) as a wedding venue. According to an official, there is space for 260 guests, including full kitchen -- and the plant is reputed to be a "zero odor" facility. [BBC News, 5-23-2014] [KIRO-TV (Seattle), 4-9-2014]