-- As many as 50 exam monitors were forced to take cover at a high school in Zhongxiang, China, in June, fending off outraged students (and some parents) who hurled insults and stones at them after the monitors blocked cheating schemes on the all-important national "gaokao" exams. (It was "siege warfare," and eventually "hundreds" of police responded, according to a dispatch in the Daily Telegraph of London.) Metal detectors had found secret transmitters and contraband cellphones used by groups beaming in exam answers from outside. Independent proctors had been assigned because of longstanding suspicions that the schools' own proctors routinely enabled cheating (with results such as the 99 identical papers submitted in one subject on the previous year's exam). Said one student (in the mob of about 2,000), noting how widespread cheating is nationally, "There is no fairness if you do not let us cheat (also)." [Daily Telegraph (London), 6-20-2013]

-- Sheriffs and government deed-recorders in several states have reported annoying attempts recently by "Moorish American nationals" to confiscate temporarily vacant houses (often mansions), moving in without inhibition, changing the locks, and partying joyously -- based on made-up documents full of gobbledygook and stilted legalese granting them sovereignty beyond the reach of law-enforcement. There is a venerable Moorish Temple Science of America, but these trespassers in Florida, Maryland, Tennessee, and other states are from fanciful offshoots that demand reparations (usually in gold) for Christopher- Columbus-era Europeans having stolen "their" land. A North Carolina police investigator told the Washington Post in March that "every state" is experiencing the "Moorish American" invasion. [Washington Post, 3-18-2013] [South Florida Sun-Sentinel, 1-28-2013]

-- Britain's Anomalous Mind Management Abductee Contactee Helpline is the nation's "weirdest" support group, wrote the Daily Mirror in June, providing a range of services to victims of kidnapping by extraterrestrials and other haunting incidents to about 1,500 people a year, according to co-founder Miles Johnston. AMMACH uses an ordinary wall-stud detector to locate bodily implants and employs magnetic field meters and mineral lamps to identify "signatures" left on a skin's atoms by visits to another dimensional reality, Johnston explained. "We are under the threat of termination as a species if we do not get this sorted out." [Daily Mirror, 6-9-2013]

-- Sheriff's deputies arrested Shane Kersey, 35, in March as the one who made phone calls to four schools in New Orleans's Westbank neighborhood, threatening to burn them down. When taken into custody, Kersey had aluminum foil wrapped around his skull and secured by a baseball cap but explained to an officer that he needed it "to prevent microwave signals from entering his head." [WWL-TV (New Orleans), 3-6-2013]

-- Among the character witnesses in May at the New York City sex-trafficking trial of alleged pimp Vincent George, Jr., 33, and his father were three of the younger man's ladies, who praised him unconditionally to the jury as a good father to the children they bore for him and as the person responsible for helping them kick their drug habits. Heather Keith, 28, and Danielle Geissler, 31, referred to each other as Vincent, Jr.'s "wife-in-law." Geissler admitted that George ("Daddy") slapped her around a bit, explaining that they both "slapped each other around sometimes but never over work or staying in the (prostitution) life." (Three weeks later, the Georges were acquitted of sex trafficking, although convicted of money- laundering.) [New York Daily News, 5-28-2013; 6-19-2013]

-- Tim Blackburn, 50, fell off a ladder in Stockton-on-Tees, England, in 2007, and shattered his arm so badly that doctors had to remove four inches of bone and attach a metal scaffold around his arm that took six years to heal completely (and then only because of help from a cutting-edge ultrasound procedure). In May 2013 -- one day after he got a clean bill of health -- Blackburn tripped over his dog and tumbled down the stairs in his home, and his arm "snapped like a twig," he said. [United Press International, 5-22-2013]

-- Technology companies are making great strides in odor-detection robots, valuable in identifying subtle scents ranging from contaminants in beer brewing to cancerous tumors in the body. And then there is CrazyLabo in Fukuoka, Japan, which is marketing two personal-hygiene robots, available for special occasions such as parties, according to a May BBC News report. One detector, shaped as a woman's kissable head, tests breath odor and responds (e.g., "smells like citrus"; "there's an emergency taking place"). The other, resembling a dog, checks a person's feet and can either cuddle up to the subject (no odor) or appear to pass out. [BBC News, 5-8-2013]

-- The local council in Brunete, Spain, near Madrid, has now seen a radical drop in unscooped dog droppings after employing volunteers to find the names of derelict dogs. They then matched the dog with the town's dog registrations to obtain the owners' addresses, then mailed them packages containing their dogs' business (terming it "lost property"). [Daily Telegraph (London), 6-4-2013]

-- Elementary school teacher Carie Charlesworth was fired recently by Holy Trinity School near San Diego, Calif. -- with the only reason given that her ex-husband has threatened to kill her. After a January weekend in which Carie was forced to call police three times because of the threats, the husband had shown up the next day in Holy Trinity's parking lot to see her, provoking officials to immediately put the school in lockdown. In a termination letter, officials noted that Charlesworth's students are constantly at risk from the ex-husband, that her restraining order against him is obviously not a deterrent, and that they thus "cannot allow" her to continue her career at the school, according to a report by San Diego's KNSD-TV. (Battered-women support groups, of course, were horrified at the school's decision.) [KNSD-TV, 6-12-2013]

-- Yasuomi Hirai, 26, was arrested in Hyogo Prefecture, Japan, in June after being identified in news reports as the man who had crawled "dozens of meters" in an underground gutter solely to gain access to a particular sidewalk grate near Konan Women's University in order to look up at skirt-wearers passing over the grate. After one pedestrian, noting the pair of eyes below, summoned a police officer, Hirai scurried down the gutter and escaped, but since he had been detained several months earlier on a similar complaint, police soon seized him, and indeed, he later admitted, "I have done this numerous times." [Japan Daily Press, 6-13-2013] [Kotaku.com, 6-21-2013]

Undignified Deaths

-- The man who claimed the "world's record" for traveling the farthest distance on a zip line attached only to his hair was killed in April as he similarly attempted to cross the Teesta River in West Bengal, India, on a zip line. He died of a heart attack, and since observers were unclear whether his limpness was part of the performance, he hung lifeless for 45 minutes. (He was identified in news reports as a "Guinness Book" record-holder, but as with many such claims, the Guinness Book has no such category.) [BBC News, 4-29-2013]

-- A 22-year-old man was killed in March attempting to rope-swing from the picturesque, 140-foot-high Corona Arch near Moab, Utah, trying to emulate a famous 2012 Internet video at the arch, "World's Largest Rope Swing." This man, however, apparently overestimated the length of rope he would need to launch himself off the arch to begin his swing -- and crashed to the ground. [KSL-TV (Salt Lake City), 3-25-2013]

A News of the Weird Classic

A 48-year-old immigrant from Malta regularly hangs out in various New York City bars, but always on the floor, so that he can enjoy his particular passion of being stepped on. "Georgio T." told the New York Times in June (2009) that he has delighted in being stepped on since he was a kid. While one playmate "wanted to be the doctor, (another) wanted to be the carpenter... I would want to be the carpet." Nowadays, he carries a custom-made rug he can affix to his back (and a sign, Step on Carpet) and may lie face-down for several hours if the bar is busy. He is also a regular at "high-foot-traffic" fetish parties, where dozens of stompers (especially women in stilettos) can satisfy their own urges while gratifying Georgio's. [New York Times, 6-14-09]

Kogelschatz, Dave Abdoo, and to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisers.

-- The executive in charge of the electronic infrastructure of Facebook confirmed to London's information-technology website The Register in June that when the company inaugurated its first "cloud" data-storage facility in Prineville, Ore., in 2011, the equipment was "drenched" when an actual cloud formed inside the building. (Facebook had only "hinted" previously at a Prineville "humidity event," according to The Register.) The tall, huge building's cooling units use an electricity-saving system that takes air from the outside (rather than re-circulated indoor air) and subjects it to various humidity levels to cool the heat coming from the aisles of computer servers. Apparently, engineers had not accurately anticipated the vapor condensation profile of the new system, and rain guards were promptly installed. [The Register (London), 6-8-2013]

-- In May, only two states away from last year's mass shooting at an Aurora, Colo., movieplex, management at the Goodrich Capital 8 Theaters in Jefferson City, Mo., hired a man dressed in full tactical gear and carrying guns resembling M-4 rifles and 9mm pistols (as "S.H.I.E.L.D." operatives) to greet patrons for the opening of the new "Iron Man" movie. Police were not pleased by the barrage of frightened 911 callers who were fearful that Aurora was happening all over again. Capital 8 manager Bob Wilkins said that "hundreds" of customers were entertained by the publicity stunt and that "only a few" were upset. [KMIZ-TV (Columbia, Mo.), 5-9-2013]

-- Since Rozie, a pregnant Asian elephant at Albuquerque's ABQ BioPark Zoo, stands a better chance of a healthy birth if she is strong, the "elephant manager" and staff have been putting her through twice-a-day, Pilates-type exercises (featuring leg lifts, squats, and other calisthenics). (Rozie is due sometime between August and November.) Lest anyone worry that Rozie is being mistreated, the elephant manager noted in a May press release that her participation "is completely voluntary." [City of Albuquerque press release, 5-22-2013]

-- The founder of the Beauty Park Medical Spa in Santa Monica, Calif., has introduced a 45-minute procedure called the "Male Laser Lift," which is also known colloquially as "tackle tightening," involving the removal of hair and wrinkles on the scrotum, along with laser treatment to remove "discoloration." Co-owner Jamie Sherrill ("Nurse Jamie") told London's Daily Mail that sales are up this year, and some might attribute that to a joke comment made by actor George Clooney that the latest Hollywood craze was "ball-ironing." [Daily Mail, 6-10-2013]

-- Recently, parents in Texas and New York City have pointed out that when children commit sex offenses against classmates, educational policy (and sometimes, the law) seeks to give light punishments and second chances to the perpetrators, thus posing risks to their classmates. A Texas child, raped at age 4 by a 13-year-old, recently was forced to endure the perpetrator's return to class after only 45 days away at an "alternative" program -- because federal law requires the child's prompt return to ordinary classroom settings if a "disability" played a role in the incident. A New York City mother filed a $6 million lawsuit in May against the city's Education Department after her son was allegedly forced to perform oral sex on a group of classmates, one of whom had already been involved in a sex assault -- for which he received a five-day suspension. [KHOU-TV, 5-6-2013] [New York Daily News, 5-30-2013]

-- As John Jacobson, 20, was being booked into jail in Portland, Ore., in May (for allegedly trying to steal a case of beer from a Plaid Pantry grocery store), police discovered a live mouse in his pocket. Jacobson had his father come down to the jail and take custody of the mouse. [KGW-TV (Portland) via KTVB-TV (Boise, Id.), 5-3-2013]

-- Christie's auction house in New York City reported that a May 15th sale of a painting of the late actress Bea Arthur -- nude from the waist up -- by the artist John Currin in 1991 had sold for $1.9 million. Currin said that he made the painting from a photograph of Arthur clothed, and Arthur, known for her roles in TV's "Maude" and "Golden Girls," appears younger in face and body in the painting than on the TV shows. [NBC News, 5-17-2013]

-- Maryland state troopers caught sight of a drummer rocking out on the shoulder of Interstate 695 near Windsor Mill Road in Baltimore on May 21st, at about 10:30 a.m. According to the troopers, the man had run out of gas and had decided to set up his drum kit to practice while he waited for assistance. When a utility truck arrived, supplying gasoline, the drummer packed up and resumed his travels. [Baltimore Sun, 5-21-2013]

-- The web sites OpposingViews.com and the Jewish Daily Forward (Forward.com), sweeping through all of the 2013 news accounts that two reporters could find, added up the fatalities so far this year (through May) of Americans killed by domestic "terrorist" attacks, compared to the number of Americans killed with guns fired by toddlers (aged 2-6). Terrorism's total: 4 (all from the Boston Marathon bombing). Gun deaths by toddlers: 11. (During the same period, 10 additional Americans were merely wounded by toddlers firing guns.) [OpposingViews.com, 6-11-2013; Jewish Daily Forward, 5-5-2013]

(1) New York state Assemblyman Vito Lopez of Brooklyn was briefly a candidate for New York City mayor but withdrew in May, shortly after a state ethics commission accused him of various "unbecoming" behaviors, including pressuring female assistants to massage him, and at least one to feel the cancer-striken Lopez's tumors on his neck, shoulder, and armpit. (2) Philip Garcia, 41, was arrested in April in Perris, Calif., after he allegedly crawled naked through the doggy door in a neighboring home and announced to the female resident that he was there for sex. [New York Daily News, 5-16-2013] [KCBS-TV (Los Angeles) 4-18-2013]

-- Recurring Themes: (1) A 38-year-old man was arrested in Wichita, Kan., in June and charged with trying to rob a Spangles restaurant by presenting a cashier with a demand note. He was arrested a short time later -- and easily, because the demand for money was written on the back of a check-reorder form that contained his name and address. (2) Joseph Meacham, 39, fleeing on foot during a mid-afternoon traffic stop in Clayton, Mo., in May, ran through town so indiscriminately that when he decided to duck into a building for cover, he failed to realize it was the St. Louis County Police Headquarters. He was found curled into a ball on the floor in a dead-end hallway, and promptly arrested. [KAKE-TV (Wichita), 6-8-2013] [St. Louis Post-Dispatch, 5-22-2013]

-- Arrested recently and awaiting trial for murder: Nicholas Wayne Smith, Leland, N.C. (January); Jonathan Wayne Broyhill, Raleigh, N.C. (April); James Wayne Ham, San Jacinto County, Tex. (May); Kenneth Wayne Welch, San Diego County, Calif. (June); Bryan Wayne Brackbill, Jr., Carroll Township, Pa. (June). Indicted for murder: Darrell Wayne Parker, Belton, Tex. (March). Convicted of murder: Stanley Wayne Robertson, College Station, Tex. (February). Sentenced for murder: Derral Wayne Hodgkins, Dade City, Fla. (April); Jacob Wayne Smith, Tulsa, Okla. (June). Murder conviction upheld: Michael Wayne Fenney (also known as Michael Wayne), Janesville, Minn. (June). Re-sentencing for murder demanded: Dale Wayne Eaton, Cheyenne, Wyo. (June) (now allegedly ineligible for execution because of low IQ). NSmith: [Wilmington (N.C.) Star-News, 1-18-2013]

A News of the Weird Classic

Beneath the luxury hotels on the Las Vegas Strip is a series of flood tunnels that are home to dozens of people who work odd jobs such as hustling leftover change in slot machines of downscale casinos. A correspondent for London's The Sun gained the trust of a few and even photographed their "apartments" for a September 2009 dispatch, showing well-stocked quarters, with scrounged appliances and furniture and even one makeshift shower rigged from a water cooler. "Amy," who has lived in the tunnels with her husband, "J.R.", for two years, said she "love(s)" the Vegas lifestyle and appears in no hurry to leave. "Kathryn" (who lives with boyfriend, "Steven") also appears content -- except, she says, for the fragrance, the black widow spiders, and the periodic rush of water through their home (threatening any "valuables" not stacked on crates). [The Sun, 9-24-09]

Kogelschatz, Dave Abdoo, and to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.

Chengdu, China, barber Liu Deyuan, 53, is one of the few who still provide traditional "eye-shaving," in which he holds the eye open and runs a razor across the lids' inner surfaces. Then, using a thin metal rod with a round tip, he gently massages the inside of each lid. Liu told a reporter for the Chengdu Business Daily in April that he had never had an accident (though the reporter apparently could not be enticed to experience the treatment himself, preferring merely to observe), and a highly satisfied customer reported afterward that his eyes felt "moist" and his vision "clearer." A local hospital official said eye-shaving can scrape away scar tissue and stimulate the eyes to lubricate the eye sockets. [South China Morning Post, 4-15-2013]

-- One of April's most popular Internet images consisted of face shots of the current 20 contestants for Miss South Korea -- revealing that all 20 appeared eerily similar, and Westernized. Commented one website, "Korea's plastic surgery mayhem is finally converging on the same face." Wrote a South Korean commenter, "Girls here consider eye surgery just like using makeup." Wrote another, "I loved this episode of the Twilight Zone." The country has the highest rate of cosmetic surgery per capita in the world. [International Business Times (New York City), 4-24-2013]

-- Michinoku Farm of Tokyo finally agreed in May to withdraw its whale meat dog chews, but only after angering environmentalists for having favored the country's pampered canines over endangered North Atlantic fin whales, which were the source of the chews. The meat was purchased from Iceland, which openly defies the international moratorium on whale meat. (Japan officially disagrees with world consensus on which species are endangered.) [Daily Telegraph (London), 5-29-2013]

-- A marriage-encouraging initiative in the Sehore district of India's Madhya Pradesh state awards gifts and financial assistance to couples agreeing to wed in mass ceremonies, but the country also suffers from a notorious toilet shortage. Consequently, the district announced in May that to qualify for the government benefits, the groom must submit to officials a photo of himself beside his own toilet to prove that he and his wife will have home sanitation. [Times of India, 5-21-2013]

-- Recurring Theme (People Purporting to Speak for Islam): (1) A Saudi judge ruled in April that it was finally time for Ali al-Khawahir, 24, to suffer for stabbing another boy in the back when Ali was 14. The victim was paralyzed, and under Saudi justice, Ali must also be struck with paralysis or else raise the equivalent of about $260,000 to compensate the victim. (2) Saudi cleric Abdullah Mohamed al-Daoud in May urged his 100,000 Twitter followers to "sexually harass female cashiers" to discourage them from working outside the home. (He is the one who urged in February that babies be veiled to protect them from sexual harassment.) [The Guardian (London), 4-3-2013] [BBC News, 5-29-2013]

-- Closer to God Than You Are: (1) Crystal McVea, author of a recent book chronicling her near-death experience, told a "Fox & Friends" TV host in April that among her most vivid memories of the incident was getting so close to God that she could "smell" him. (2) In May, Anna Pierre, a candidate for mayor of North Miami, Fla., announced on her Facebook page that she had secured the endorsement of Jesus Christ. That would be doubly fortunate for her since a month earlier, she had complained that unknown people had been leaving bad-luck Vodou-ritual feathers, food scraps and candles on her doorstep. (Jesus' stroke is apparently not what it used to be: She finished seventh in the race.) [Raw Story, 4-2-2013] [Miami Herald, 5-14-2013; WTVJ (Miami), 5-15-2013]

-- Religious Messages From All Over: (1) A catering company in Leicestershire, England, became a holy site in May after the Hindu owner found an eggplant that resembles the elephant-headed Lord Ganesh. He said that he prays to it now twice daily and has so far welcomed about 80 visiting worshippers. (2) As part of his recent U.S. tour, the Dalai Lama, introduced to a University of Maryland audience by Maryland Gov. Martin O'Malley, greeted the governor on stage by rubbing noses with him. [ThisIsLeistershire.co.uk, 5-6-2013] [Washington Post, 5-7-2013]

-- Expectant North Carolina parents Adam and Heather Barrington (who is due in July) have disclosed that they will accept underwater midwifing from the Sirius Institute of Pahoa, Hawaii, which arranges for the mother to swim with dolphins pre- and post-natally. "It is about reconnecting as humans with the dolphins so we can ... learn from one another," said Heather. Said Adam: "Dolphins are very intelligent and healing, which ... calms mother and baby. ..." Biologists writing for the Discovery Channel, however, reminded readers that underwater births are extraordinarily dangerous and that dolphins are "wild animals" that gang-rape female dolphins and "toss, beat and kill small porpoises." Said another, the Barringtons' plan is "possibly the worst idea ever." [Discovery, 5-29-2013; io9.com, 5-28-2013]

-- Local Governments at Work: (1) Washington, D.C., began registering its dogs this year by their primary breeds and, faced with many owners who claimed not to know their dog's heritage, quixotically settled on the Mexican hairless dog, or "xoloitzcuintli" (pronounced "show-low-eats-QUEENT-lee," according to The Washington Post) as the breed that will be listed in city records for those dogs. An official said the decision might encourage owners to learn more about their dog's breed. (2) Of all the businesses that could fall out of favor with a local government, it was the restaurant Bacon Bacon that was shut down in May by the city of San Francisco -- because of neighbors' complaints about the smell! (The fragrance of bacon is widely experienced as entrancing all across America.) A petition to overturn the ruling was underway at press time. [Washington Post, 5-15-2013] [San Francisco Examiner, 5-15-2013]

-- More than 50 Iowa sex offenders have open-carry gun permits, thanks to a 2-year-old state law that requires any disapproving sheriff to demonstrate "probable cause" in advance that a sex offender will use a gun illegally in order to reject his application. Before that, a sheriff could use a sex offender's previous felony conviction as sufficient cause. Said Washington County Sheriff Jerry Dunbar, "(J)ust the presence of a gun on a hip could be a threat to get (sex-crime victims) to cooperate." [Des Moines Register, 5-5-2013]

Congress established the Interagency Working Group in 2009 to set guidelines on advertising healthy foods to children, and public comments on the guidelines are now being posted. General Mills appeared among the most alarmed by the IWG proposals, according to its comments on the Federal Trade Commission website (as disclosed by Scientific American in May). Of the 100 most commonly consumed foods and beverages in America, GM asserted, 88 would fail the IWG standards, and if everyone in America started following the health recommendations, General Mills asserts that the cost of feeding the entire nation would increase $503 billion per year. [Scientific American, 5-19-2013]

Dennis Gholston, 45, with outstanding traffic warrants in Pennsylvania, decided in May that, even though alone in his car, he could not resist using a high-occupancy vehicle lane (HOV) on the New Jersey Turnpike near Carteret. His decision was even more unsound because, according to the officer who stopped him for the HOV violation, Gholston was hauling about $4,000 worth of heroin in the car, and he was charged with intent to distribute. [Star-Ledger (Newark), 5-31-2013]

But What If the Device Falls Into the Wrong Hands? A 55-year-old British man whose bowel was ruptured in a nearly catastrophic traffic accident has been fitted with a bionic sphincter that opens and closes with a remote controller. Ged Galvin had originally endured 13 surgeries in a 13-week hospital stay and had grown frustrated with using a colostomy bag until surgeon Norman Williams of the Royal London Hospital proposed the imaginative operation. Dr. Williams, who was interviewed along with Galvin for a November 2009 feature in London's Daily Mail, wrapped a muscle transplanted from Galvin's leg around the sphincter and attached electrodes to tighten or loosen its grip. [Daily Mail, 11-10-2009, 11-13-2009]

Thanks This Week to Mark Hazelrigg and Bruce Leiserowitz and to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.