In March, Microsoft was fined 561 million euros (about $725 million) by the European Commission after, apparently, a programmer carelessly left out just one line of code in Microsoft's Service Pack 1 of European versions of Windows 7. That one line would have triggered the system to offer web browsers other than Microsoft's own Internet Explorer, which Microsoft had agreed to include to settle charges that it was monopolizing the web-browser business. (Also in March, the government of Denmark said that Microsoft owed it about a billion dollars in unpaid taxes when it took over a Danish company and tried to route its taxes through notorious tax havens such as Bermuda. According to a March Reuters report, Denmark is among the first European countries to challenge such U.S.-standard tax shenanigans and is expecting payment in full.) [The Guardian (London), 3-6-2013] [Reuters, 3-4-2013]

-- Being identified with the number 666 (the "mark of the beast" in the Bible's Book of Revelation) continues to trouble the righteous. Walter Slonopas, 52, felt required to resign as a maintenance worker for Contech Casting in Clarksville, Tenn., in February after receiving his W-2 form, which he noted was the 666th mailed out by Contech this year. (However, perhaps Slonopas is not so innocent. He had been working for Contech for less than two years, yet had already been "assigned" the number 666 twice -- on the company's payroll books and the company's time-clock system.) [USA Today, 2-7-2013]

-- The Iconic Phantom Black/Hispanic Perpetrator: In February, victims of crimes in San Antonio, Texas, and Terrebonne Parish, La., complained to police that they had been assaulted by, respectively, a "Hispanic male" and an "unknown black man" -- whom the victims admitted later did not exist. San Antonio police learned that their victim had been accidentally, embarrassingly, shot by a friend mishandling his gun. Louisiana authorities found that their victim had not been abducted and raped (and had her baby stolen). Rather, she had wanted to hide her miscarriage from family and friends and invented a phantom attack as more acceptable. [KENS-TV (San Antonio), 2-6-2013] [WWL-TV (New Orleans), 2-28-2013]

-- Chinese New Year, especially, turns out not so festive if busy young professional women are unable to show off a boyfriend to their parents. Thus, men offer themselves as fake boyfriends for the equivalent of about $50 a day, plus extras including about $5 an hour to accompany the woman to dinner, $8 for a kiss on the cheek, and $95 to spent the night -- on the couch, of course, since "sex" is not part of the concept. Recently, a reality TV series appeared for men needing women for home visits -- often they are gay men who have not "come out" to their parents. [BBC News, 2-6-2013]

-- Backward Incentives: Society continues to suffer from questionable company policies that encourage precisely the wrong behaviors. Bartender Twyla DeVito said she knew that one of her regulars at the American Legion Post in Shelby, Ohio, was too inebriated to drive home and thus telephoned police, alerting them to a potential drunk driver. An officer responded, observed the driver, and arrested him when his blood-alcohol read twice the limit for presumed impairment. Two days later DeVito was fired because, as her boss allegedly said to her, "(I)t's bad for business to have a bartender that will call the cops." [WBNS-TV (Columbus), 2-22-2013]

-- The Fabulous British Government "Safety Net": Heather Frost, 36, and mother of 11, is getting a brand-new, specially designed house through the Tewkesbury (England) Borough Council, which deemed inadequate the duplex that the family had been using at taxpayer expense for five years. Frost had complained that she needed larger quarters because one daughter now owns a horse and needs to stable it (and, said a stable worker, had almost acquired two more horses, but that deal fell through). [Daily Telegraph (London), 2-19-2013]

-- Fathers caught up unfairly in state laws on child support have appeared in News of the Weird, but Lional Campbell's story seems unusually harsh. Authorities in Detroit continue to bill Campbell for past-due support (which Campbell admits he owes even if unsure how much), but only recently did he discover that they were counting $43,000 past-due to support "Michael," who had died 25 years ago at age 3. Campbell said he had thought the support was for another child, born seven years after Michael, but it turns out neither the authorities nor Campbell knows precisely which fatherhood Campbell is paying for. The latest audit reduced Michael's $43,000 balance to about $6,500. [WXYZ-TV (Detroit), 2-15-2013]

-- Third-World Penis-Snatchings Continue to Vex: In Tiringoulou (pop. 2,000) in the Central African Republic, phantoms are thought often to steal penises, or shrink them, but according to a March dispatch in the magazine Pacific Standard, the stories' origins may simply reflect distrust of outsiders. Townspeople over-attribute worldly powers to strangers, and when outsiders' business deals go sour, men check their genitals. Also, animal-organ poachers operate nearby and arouse suspicion that they may be after human genitals, as well. (Asking for perspective on this weirdness, though, the Pacific Standard reporter wondered what Tiringoulou citizens might think about Americans who, for instance, starve themselves "near to death because their reflection in the mirror convinces them that they are fat.") [Pacific Standard via Alternet, 3-14-2013]

-- More Poor Planning: (1) In San Diego, Calif., in February, two people broke into a Hooters after closing and stole a jukebox, apparently, said police, mistaking it for an ATM inside the darkened restaurant. (2) Jose Perales Jr., 24, was charged with breaking into Dr. John's Lingerie Boutique in Davenport, Iowa, in February. Surveillance video revealed he was wearing men's clothing when he entered, but left in a dress and blond wig. In fact, while changing clothes, his bare back was visible, revealing "Perales" tattooed on his shoulder. [KGTV (San Diego), 2-22-2013] [Quad City Times (Davenport), 2-23-2013]

-- Loretta Lacy, 49, perhaps set some kind of record in January as she sped from Sioux Falls, S.D., to Racine, Wis. (about 500 miles away) just to make her granddaughter's school dance. Although her daughter told a Minneapolis Star Tribune reporter that her mother "can make it from A to B faster than maybe the average person," Lacy collected four speeding tickets during one 2 1/2-hour stretch, including for speeds of 88, 99 and 112. Of course, she arrived late. [Star Tribune, 1-30-2013]

-- Sherwin Shayegan might be again acting out his well-known (to News of the Weird readers) obsession of coaxing strangers (usually teenage boys, especially athletes) to give him piggyback rides. A Bettendorf, Iowa, police report obtained by Deadspin.com in February showed his arrest on an unrelated charge, but police noted that Shayegan had attended a college basketball game in Moline, Ill., the night before -- and such a scenario has been fertile ground in the past for Shayegan's easing himself into locker rooms to hop on a back or two. [Deadspin.com, 2-01-2013]

-- News of the Weird mentioned in October that China and Japan are currently engaged in an ownership dispute over two islands in the South China Sea and had dispatched ships to the region to accompany their countries' verbal blustering. (Taiwan also claims the islands.) The Japanese daily Nikkan Spa reported in December that China's very recent takedowns of Internet pornography from Japan was likely caused by the spat. In comments on Internet porn sites, some Chinese subscribers patriotically vowed to give up watching Japanese sex videos, even if it meant going without one of their favorites -- the Japanese star Aoi Sola. [Nikkan Spa via Kotaku.com, 12-6-2012]

-- News of the Weird has noted the street-wise pointers offered by al-Qaida's online magazine Inspire, and the new issue, released in February, offers yet more tips for causing infidels mayhem. This issue ignores large-scale destructions (such as bringing down airliners) and focuses on smaller chaos, such as torching parked cars, greasing up sharp-angled roadways to force cars to skid, and outfitting pickup trucks with knives affixed to the grill. Insight also cautions the jihadists to use care to protect themselves in the process -- advice which, based on experience, will not be heeded. [Wired Danger Room, 3-1-2013]

Thanks This Week to John McGaw, Gerald Sacks, and Thomas Sullivan, and to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.

One of the many decisions greeting Pope Francis, as Salon.com pointed out, is whether to officially recognize a Patron Saint of Handgunners -- as urged by a U.S. organization of activists for more than 20 years. According to legend, St. Gabriel Possenti rescued an Italian village from a small band of pillagers (and perhaps rapists) in the 19th century by shooting at a lizard in the road, killing it with one shot, which supposedly so terrified the bandits that they fled. No humans were harmed, activists now point out, signifying the handgun was obviously a force for good. The head of the St. Gabriel Possenti Society has noted that, however far-fetched the "lizard incident" may be, it was rarely questioned until U.S. anti-gun activists gained strength in the 1980s. [Salon, 2-21-2013]

-- Though Americans may feel safe that the Food and Drug Administration approves a drug only for certain specific uses, the U.S. Court of Appeals in New York ruled in December that drug company salespeople have a First Amendment right to claim that drugs approved for only one use can be marketed for nonapproved uses, as well. Doctors and bioethicists seemed outraged, according to the Los Angeles Times, generally agreeing with a University of Minnesota professor who called the decision "a complete disgrace. What this basically does is destroy drug regulation in the United States." [Los Angeles Times, 12-7-2012]

-- Denials of disability allowances in the town of Basildon, England, near London, are handled at the Acorn House courthouse, on the fourth floor, where afflicted people who believe they were wrongly rejected for benefits must present their appeals. However, in November, zealous government safety wardens, concerned about fire-escape dangers, closed off the fourth floor to wheelchair-using people. Asked one woman, turned away in early February, "Why are they holding disability tribunals in a building disabled people aren't allowed in?" (In February, full access resumed.) [Yellow Advertiser Today (Basildon), 2-6-2013]

-- Among the helpful civic classes the city government in Oakland, Calif., set up earlier this year for its residents was one on how to pick locks (supposedly to assist people who had accidentally locked themselves out of their homes), and lock-picking kits were even offered for sale after class. Some residents were aghast, as the city had seen burglaries increase by 40 percent in 2012. Asked one complainer, "What's next? The fundamentals of armed robbery?" (In February, Mayor Jean Quan apologized and canceled the class.) [San Jose Mercury News, 2-28-2012]

-- We Must Kill This Legislation Because Too Many People Are for It: In February, the North Carolina House of Representatives Rules Committee took the unusual step of pre-emptively burying a bill to legalize prescription marijuana (which 18 states so far have embraced). WRAL-TV (Raleigh-Durham) reported Rep. Paul Stam's explanation: Committee members were hearing from so many patients and other constituents (via phone calls and emails) about the importance of medical marijuana to them that the representatives were feeling "harassed." [WRAL-TV, 2-20-2013]

-- Two teachers and three student teachers at a Windsor, Ontario, elementary school somehow thought it would be a neat prank on their eighth-graders to make them think their class trip would be to Florida's Disney World, and they created a video and PowerPoint presentation previewing the excursion. The kids' exhilaration lasted only a few days, when they were informed that plans had changed and that they would instead be visiting a local bowling alley. Furthermore, the teachers captured the students' shock on video, presumably to repeatedly re-enjoy their prank. (When the principal found out, she apologized, disciplined the teachers, and arranged a class trip to Niagara Falls.) [Windsor Star, 2-21-2013]

-- Solutions to Non-Problems: (1) Illinois state Rep. Luis Arroyo introduced a bill in March that would ban the state's restaurants from serving lion meat. (2) Georgia state Rep. Jay Neal introduced legislation in February to ban the implantation of a human embryo into a nonhuman. Rep. Neal told the Associated Press that this has been a hot issue in "other states." [WMAQ-TV (Chicago), 3-9-2013] [Associated Press via Athens Banner-Herald, 2-27-2013]

-- Imprisoned British computer hacker Nicholas Webber, 21, serving time for computer fraud, hacked into the mainframe at his London prison after officials allowed him to take a computer class. Like most prisons, the Isis facility attempts to rehabilitate inmates with classes to inspire new careers, but apparently no one made the connection between the class and Webber's crime. (One prison staff member involved in the class was fired.) [The Register (London), 3-4-2013]

-- Dustin Coyle, 34, was charged with domestic abuse in Oklahoma City in January, but it was hardly his fault, he told police. His ex-girlfriend accused him (after she broke up with him) of swiping her cat and then roughing it up, punching her, elbowing her and sexually assaulting her. Coyle later lamented to police that she and he were supposed to get married, but for some reason she changed her mind. "If she would just marry me, that would solve everything," but, according to the police report, he would settle for her being his girlfriend again -- or a one-night stand. [The Oklahoman, 1-24-2013]

Gary Ericcson, 46, was distraught in January at being charged with animal cruelty in shooting to death his beloved pet snake. He told the Charlotte Observer that he is not guilty, as the dear thing had already passed away and that he shot it only "to get the gas out" so that other animals would not dig it up after he buried it. He said he was so despondent (fearing that a conviction will prevent him from being allowed to have even dogs and cats) that in frustration he had shot up and destroyed a large cabinet that housed his Dale Earnhardt collectibles. [Charlotte Observer, 1-3-2013]

First-World Products: The DogTread Treadmill is a modification of the familiar exercise machine in homes and health clubs, with special features for dog safety -- a helpful invention in a nation in which over half of all pet dogs are too fat. (A somewhat higher percentage of cats is overweight, but it is unlikely that marketing a cat treadmill has ever been considered.) The Association for Pet Obesity Prevention points out that pets can develop type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure and osteoarthritis, and that the problem stems from insufficient exercise and overindulgent owners. (The DogTread Treadmills sell for $499 to $899.) [Mother Nature Network, 2-11-2013]

(1) Teri James, 29, filed a lawsuit recently in San Diego against San Diego Christian College because it fired her for being pregnant and unmarried -- a violation of specific employee rules. She said the firing was obviously illegal gender discrimination because her job was quickly offered to the next-most-qualified candidate -- James' fiance, who was openly cohabiting with James all along and is the baby's father. (2) In a Philadelphia courtroom in February, alleged assault victim John Huttick was on the witness stand tearfully describing how miserable his life has become since he lost his left eye in a barroom fight with the defendant. Right then, however, his prosthetic eye fell out. The judge, certain that it was an accident, quickly declared a mistrial (especially since two jurors, seated a few feet away, appeared sickened). [NBC News, 2-28-2013] [Philadelphia Inquirer, 2-7-2013]

Among the Americans (all males, as usual) who accidentally shot themselves recently: A 19-year-old man, with the AR-15 assault weapon he had just stolen (Independence, Ore., March)*. An angler, shooting salmon (Thurston County, Wash., October). An 18-year-old man, shot in the "groin" while cleaning his gun (Port St. Lucie, Fla., September). A 59-year-old poor-multitasker, who tripped and fell holding his shotgun while talking on the phone to his girlfriend (St. Matthews, S.C., September)*. A police officer serving an arrest warrant (shot in the buttocks) (Mercer Island, Wash., November). A 54-year-old man at a gun show, mistaken about whether his gun was loaded) (Des Moines, Iowa, January). A 22-year-old man, showing off and flummoxed by whether a bullet was still in the chamber (Stamford, Conn., September)*. An 18-year-old man, similarly flummoxed (and suffering the same fate) (St. Petersburg, Fla., January)*.

(* indicates people who will never make that mistake again, or any other) Independence: [KGW-TV (Portland, Ore.), 3-4-2013] Thurston: [The Olympian (Olympia, Wash.), 10-1-2012] Port St. Lucie: [WTSP-TV (St. Petersburg, Fla.), 9-10-2012] St. Matthews: [Associated Press via WYFF-TV (Greenville), 9-21-2012] Mercer Island: [KOMO-TV (Seattle), 11-29-2012] Des Moines: [Des Moines Register, 1-25-2013] Stamford: [Stamford Advocate, 9-14-2012] St. Petersburg: [Tampa Bay Online, 1-10-2013]

Thanks This Week to Bruce Leiserowitz, Kristina Rasmussen, David Swanson, Jeffrey Manfull, Tom Hundley, Mel Packer, Dave Leister, Mark Gorman, Richard Schneider, Yvonne Wiliams, and Kev at arbroath.blogspot.com, and to the News of the Weird Senior Advisors (Jenny T. Beatty, Paul Di Filippo, Ginger Katz, Joe Littrell, Matt Mirapaul, Paul Music, Karl Olson, and Jim Sweeney) and Board of Editorial Advisors (Tom Barker, Paul Blumstein, Harry Farkas, Sam Gaines, Herb Jue, Emory Kimbrough, Scott Langill, Steve Miller, Christopher Nalty, Mark Neunder, Bob Pert, Larry Ellis Reed, Rob Snyder, Stephen Taylor, Bruce Townley, and Jerry Whittle).

Leaders of the ice-fishing community, aiming for official Olympics recognition as a sport, have begun the process by asking the World Anti-Doping Agency to randomly test its "athletes" for performance-enhancing drugs, according to a February New York Times report. However, said the chairman of the U.S. Freshwater Fishing Association, "We do not test for beer," because, he added, "Everyone would fail." Ice-fishing is a lonely, frigid endeavor rarely employing strength but mostly requiring guile and strategy, as competitors who discover advantageous spots in the lake must surreptitiously upload the hauls lest competitors rush over to drill their own holes. Urine tests have also been run in recent years on competitors in darts, miniature golf, chess and tug-of-war, and in 2011, one chess player, two minigolfers and one tugger tested positive. [New York Times, 2-24-2013]

-- A frequent sight on Soweto, South Africa, streets recently is crowds of 12-to-15-year-old boys known as "izikhotane" ("boasters") who hang out in their designer jeans, "shimmering silk shirts, bright pink and blue shoes, and white-straw, narrow-brimmed fedoras," according to a February BBC News dispatch. Flashing wads of cash begged from beleaguered parents, hundreds may amass, playing loud music and sometimes even trashing their fancy clothes as if to feign an indifference to wealth. Since many izikhotanes' families are working-class survivors of apartheid, they are mostly ashamed of their kids' behavior. "This isn't what we struggled for," lamented one parent. But, protested a peer-pressured boaster, "(Y)ou must dress like this, even if you live in a shack." [BBC News, 2-1-2013]

-- India's annual "Rural Olympics" might be the cultural equivalent of several Southern U.S. "Redneck Olympics" but taken somewhat more seriously, in that this year, corporate sponsorships (Nokia and Suzuki) helped fund the equivalent of about $66,000 in prize money for such events as competitive pulling using only one's ears or teeth. "We do this for money, trophies, fame and respect," one ear-puller told The Wall Street Journal in February. This year, in the four-day event in Punjab state, the 50,000 spectators could watch a teeth-lifter pull a 110-pound sack upward for about eight seconds and an ear-puller ease a car about 15 feet. [Wall Street Journal, 2-5-2013]

-- Weird Japan: (1) A generous local businessman recently graced the city of Okuizumo with funding for replicas of two Renaissance statues ("Venus de Milo" and Michelangelo's "David") for a public park. Agence France-Presse reported in February that many residents, receiving little advance warning, expressed shock at the unveiling of "David" and demanded that he at least be given underpants. (2) Fax machines, almost obsolete in the U.S., are still central to many tech-savvy Japanese families and companies (who bought 1.7 million units last year alone), reported The New York Times in February. Families prefer faxes' superiority to e-mail for warmly expressing Japan's complex written language, and bureaucrats favor faxes' preserving the imperative of paper flow. [Agence France-Presse via Yahoo News, 2-6-2013] [New York Times, 2-13-2013]

-- The 14 guests at a jewelry party in Lake City, Fla., were initially incredulous that home-invader Derek Lee, 24, meant to rob them, but when they saw that he was serious (by putting his gun to the head of one woman), the hostess went into action. "In the name of Jesus," she shouted, "get out of my house now!" Then the guests chanted in unison, "Jesus! Jesus! Jesus!" over and over. Lee, frightened or bewildered, sprinted out the door empty-handed and was later arrested. [WJXT-TV (Jacksonville), 1-27-2013]

-- The president of the National Black Church Initiative told the Associated Press in January that its pastors are generally free to ordain new pastors as they wish, and that consequently Bishop Wayne Jackson of Detroit did nothing wrong in his ordination ceremony (which was surreptitiously video-recorded and uploaded to YouTube), even though it consisted of Jackson in robes, praying while lying on top of the new bishops, who were also praying. (The AP noted that Bishop Jackson had been the target of that's-so-gay YouTube comments.) [Associated Press via WJBK-TV (Detroit), 1-17-2013]

-- Yet Another Fatwa: Saudi cleric Sheikh Abdullah Daoud, in an interview in February on al-Majd TV, decreed that female babies should wear full-face veils (burkas) to help shield them from sexual advances. (According to a former judge at the Saudi Board of Grievances, Saudi authorities have issued standards for fatwas, thus urging people to ignore "unregulated" ones such as Skeikh Daoud's.) [al-Arabiya, 2-3-2013]

-- In January, Lhokseumawe City, Indonesia, drafted new ordinances, including one that prohibits women from riding motorcycles with their legs straddling male drivers, since that would tend to "provoke" them. A proponent said the ban "honor(ed)" women "because they are delicate creatures." Immediately, some authorities denounced the legislation, pointing out that riding "side saddle" is much more dangerous in cases of sudden swerves and collisions. As of press time, the mayor had not decided whether to implement the ordinance. [New York Times, 1-15-2013]

-- In February, an off-duty Tampa police officer and an off-duty sheriff's detective from nearby Hernando County were awarded the sheriff's office's highest honor, the Medal of Valor, for exemplary bravery in an October incident in which a 42-year-old naked woman was shot to death by the officers. The woman was holding a gun and had made threats, and a 5-year-old boy was inside a truck that she wanted to steal. However, even though a neighbor had simply wrestled the woman down earlier, the officers still thought their only move was to shoot to kill. Said the woman's brother, "They shot a mentally disturbed, naked woman. Is that valor?" [Tampa Bay Times, 2-14-2013]

-- In 2011, Julian Pellegrino pleaded guilty to DUI involving serious bodily injury to Mark Costa in Chicopee, Mass., and was sentenced to serve 18 months in jail, but that did not deter Pellegrino from filing a lawsuit in December, demanding $1.1 million for Costa's somehow "caus(ing)" his car to collide with Pellegrino's. Pellegrino (with a broken neck) was actually more seriously injured than Costa, who sued back, asking nearly $200,000. (In 2010, while Pellegrino was awaiting disposition of the case with Costa, he pleaded guilty to another DUI.) [Springfield Republican, 2-12-2013]

Paul Jamrozik, 63, was arrested in Upper Darby, Pa., in January and charged as the man who lured a 12-year-old boy into his home and, under the guise of pretend-podiatry, spritzed his feet with athlete's-foot spray and tickled them before performing an exam of his ears and nose with medical equipment. When the kid asked to leave, according to the police report, Jamrozik withheld his shoes until he promised to bring his friends by the next day to be examined. [Philadelphia Daily News, 1-18-2013]

Lee Wildman, 35, and Adrian Stanton, 32, pleaded guilty in connection with a burglary at Durham (England) University's Oriental Museum, in which they heisted artwork worth the equivalent of about $2.7 million and hid it in a field in April 2012. However, they have been unable to help authorities locate the bounty (even with the reward of sentence-reduction) -- because they have forgotten exactly where they stashed it. Eventually, hikers unconnected with the case discovered it and notified police. Said Judge Christopher Prince, "This is not an offense that can be described as sophisticated." [BBC News, 2-8-2013]

(1) Two brothers, celebrating a winning lottery ticket in Wichita, Kan., in February, bought a stash of marijuana, but then, attempting to light a bong using butane lighter fluid, one accidentally blew up the family home. That brother was hospitalized with second-degree burns, and the other was arrested for marijuana possession. (2) Megan Thode, 27, went to trial in February in Easton, Pa., suing Lehigh University, accusing a professor of illegally discriminating against her with a C-plus grade in a class in 2009 in the school's graduate counseling program, in which a B was the minimum required to continue. Thode demanded $1.3 million for future damage to her career (but not a tuition refund -- as she had matriculated for free because her father is a Lehigh professor). Four days after the trial began, the judge ruled against her. [Wichita Eagle, 2-16-2013] [Morning Call (Allentown, Pa.), 2-14-2013]

Thanks This Week to Richard Schneider, Harold Gaines, Don Ball, Joan Rohrbach, and Peter Smagorinsky, and to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.