In January, U.S. Customs and Border Protection officers confiscated a live, jeweled beetle that a woman was wearing as an "accessory" on her sweater as she crossed into Brownsville, Texas, from Mexico. Blue jewels were glued onto the beetle's back, which had been painted gold, and the mobile brooch was tethered by a gold chain attached to a safety pin. Even though the woman orally "declared" the animal, the beetle was confiscated because she had not completed the bureau's PPQ Form 526, which is necessary to bring insects into the country. Reportedly, such jewelry is not that rare in Mexico. A spokesperson for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals was, of course, appalled.

-- Economic Recovery in Denver: As of early January, at least 390 new Denver businesses had applied for sales-tax licenses as dispensaries for legal (medicinal) marijuana. By comparison, Starbucks coffee shops number 208 in the entire state of Colorado. Among the first cannabis-centered businesses to open, in December, was the Ganja Gourmet on South Broadway, featuring lasagna, pizza, jambalaya, paella, flavored cheesecakes and other delicacies, all "spiced" appropriately for customers with doctors' prescriptions.

-- Jeweler Colin Burn, of Broome, Australia, announced in October at the Asia Adult Expo in Macau that he will make the world's most expensive "personal vibrator," in 10 limited editions, out of smooth platinum, each with 1,500 white diamonds. He said he planned to shoot for a price of $1 million (U.S.) and noted that he currently offers a similar sex toy with only 450 diamonds (but with a handle made of rare conkerberry wood) that he sells for $38,000.

-- Professor Yevgeny Moskalev of Russia's St. Petersburg Technological University announced in November that he had perfected a somewhat-useful powdered version of Russia's favorite drink (vodka). However, after much experimentation, he had found that the only way to preserve the alcohol was by mixing the liquid vodka into a special wax and letting it harden. According to a November report in the English language version of Pravda, the resulting shaved chips could then be flavored to counteract the wax's insipidness, and might be used for cooking or medicine. "Instant vodka" mix for straight drinking does not appear to be in professor Moskalev's plans.

-- In 2008, Sweden, one of only seven countries with embassies in North Korea, began trying to coax that country into the global economy by encouraging the manufacture of jeans, which Sweden in turn would arrange for sale in high-end stores. After a series of awkward missteps (e.g., a textile manufacturer, unfamiliar with the concept of "jeans," said no, but the director of a mining company decided to accept the project), 1,100 pairs were finally shipped and priced at the equivalent of about $215 a pair, according to a December Reuters dispatch from Stockholm. (The "NoKo" jeans were initially given shelf space in at least one store, but now are offered only on the store's Web site.)

-- After the New York Post reported in December on the 175-square-foot Manhattan apartment recently purchased by Christopher Prokop and his wife (for $150,000, with $800 monthly in maintenance fees), residents of even smaller Manhattan digs told the Post they were unimpressed. For instance, Felice Cohen, 39, rents a 90-square-foot apartment ($700) with a loft bed, but admits that she must sit sideways on the toilet. Freelance event-planner Eddie Rabon rents a 55-square-foot palace for $800 a month (closer to midtown than Cohen's). He can almost touch both side walls simultaneously and cannot easily turn around while showering. Commented the residents, respectively: "We love it," "I love it," and "It's fantastic."

-- He's a man of distinction, but that is of little comfort in the tight economy. Actor Jonah Falcon, 39, is out of work and living once again with his parents in New York City, according to a January report on AOL News. A 1999 HBO documentary touted Falcon as possessor of the world's longest penis (13 1/2 inches, aroused). He has appeared in mainstream film and TV roles ("Law and Order," "Melrose Place," "The Sopranos"), but has refused to do pornography. "If I did porn, nobody would take me seriously." However, he added, "I wouldn't be opposed to doing a nude scene (in a mainstream film) if I got the right part."

-- The recent Christmas bonus season was rough at the RF Brookes pizza-ingredient factory in Wigston, England. Workers received only gift containers of pudding ("plum duffs") with a use-by date of March 2009, but accompanied by a letter from management assuring them that food technicians had certified the product as safe to eat in January 2010. (After numerous employee complaints, the company apologized and offered fresh plum duffs.)

A team of researchers led by a University of Connecticut professor, writing recently in the ornithology journal The Auk, declared the local saltmarsh sparrow to be America's most promiscuous bird, in that 95 percent of the females hook up with more than one male during a mating season. The likelihood that any two chicks in a nest had the same father was only 23 percent, and in one-third of the nests, all chicks had different fathers. The researchers hypothesized that the frequent flooding of Connecticut's marshes destroys so many nests that non-choosy females have gained evolutionary advantage. (A wren in Australia and a parrot in Madagascar are said to be comparably promiscuous.)

A seven-point buck was found dead in Viroqua, Wis., in November, apparently after losing a head-butting contest with a cement-statue buck. Ramming contests are common during mating season, and the cement buck was about the same size as the dead one (but weighs about three times as much).

-- Two partners in crime were sentenced to four years in jail between them by England's Manchester Crown Court in December. Ali Abdullah, 28, and Muqtar Nuren, 22, had offered to take driver's license tests for people (both driving test and written test), but on contingency payment only for passing. Between them, they had 35 clients, took 43 tests and failed 33 (passing only seven driving tests and three written). Although they did not charge for their failures, it is of course illegal to take a driver's license test for another person.

-- Recurring Themes: (1) Brandon Stepp, 27, and two companions were arrested in Parkersburg, W.Va., in December after they became the most recent alleged drug runners to hide their marijuana unsuccessfully in their car's engine compartment. (The engine got hot; the dope caught fire.) (2) A man fled without money from a Taco Bell in Haverstraw, N.Y., in October after being the most recent robber to conduct his transactions out of order. He first announced the robbery, but before the cashier could gather money for him, he asked the store manager for a job application. When the manager refused, the man walked out, empty-handed.

The French performance artist Orlan made News of the Weird in 1993 when she underwent surgery in a New York City art gallery as part of a multiple-surgery transformation of her face according to five icons of Renaissance and post-Renaissance beauty (at that time, implanting small horns to simulate the bumpy forehead of Mona Lisa). During a Chicago show in December 1998, Orlan raised money for further operations by selling posters and videos of her surgeries and digitally enhanced portraits of her face incorporating features that ancient Mayans had found attractive but which are ugly in this society (huge noses, crossed-eyes). She also sold souvenir tubes of her liposuctioned fat.

What Recession? A December USA Today analysis revealed that during the first 18 months of the recent recession, beginning December 2007, the number of federal employees with six-figure salaries shot up from 14 percent of the federal workforce to 19 percent. Defense Department civilian executives earning more than $150,000 went from 1,868 to more than 10,000, and the Department of Transportation, which had only one person earning $170,000 in December 2007, now has 1,690. The average federal salary is $71,206, compared with the private sector's $40,331.

-- Being the first licensed male prostitute in Nevada (and thus the U.S.), explained "Markus" in a January interview for Details magazine, is to him "a civil rights thing." "It's just the same as when Rosa Parks decided to sit at the front (of the bus) instead of the back."

-- Lame: (1) Ex-convict John Stephens told a Floyd County (Ind.) judge in December that he had a full-time job and intended to turn his life around, but had slipped when he tried to rob the Your Community Bank. "If I hadn't been watching the news and seeing (other successful) bank robberies," he said, he wouldn't have been tempted. He said he was especially impressed by one serial robber, who had made it look easy by vaulting over banks' counters. (2) In Kansas City, Mo., in December, the mother of Charles Irving tried to protect her 27-year-old son from a charge of being a felon in possession of a gun. She told police (without success) that he had needed the gun to protect her from vampires.

-- Rod Jetton, a former speaker of the Missouri House of Representatives and creator of Common Sense Conservative Consulting, LLC, was charged with felony assault in December after visiting a woman in her home in Sikeston, apparently for a sexual encounter. The woman later charged that Jetton punched her in the head and choked her into unconsciousness as his idea of foreplay, but Jetton said the "assault" was consensual, in that she was to utter a pre-arranged "safe word (phrase)" if things got too rough and that he would have immediately stopped. Jetton told police that the woman never spoke the agreed-on phrase "green balloons."

-- (1) Copenhagen, one of the "greenest" cities in the world, endured an added 41,000 extra tons of carbon-dioxide-equivalent in December during the 11-day "climate summit." The 15,000 delegates required 2,000 limousines (only five of which were electric or hybrid) to get around town, and the world leaders arrived and departed in 140 private jets, some of which had to be "parked" overnight in Sweden because of airport congestion. (2) In December, Obama administration officials, seeking to fulfill a campaign pledge of a more open federal government, held a multi-agency training session in Washington, D.C., on the Freedom of Information Act. The meeting was closed to the public.

-- A central purpose of the California Milk Board is to convince consumers to buy local dairy products to keep the spending in-state to help California's farmers, but the board acknowledged in November that its promotion campaign's advertising contract had gone to an agency in New Zealand. Said a board official: "We have a ... responsibility to spend (taxpayers') hard-earned dollars as efficiently as we can."

-- The huge, $27 million statue ("African Renaissance") being built in Dakar, Senegal, was conceived to boost tourism and be a point of African pride, acting as a magnet for visitors and museum-goers. Problems have arisen (the statue was built by North Korean labor, has no distinct African theme, and features a female who reveals perhaps too much thigh). However, according to a November BBC News dispatch, Senegal's president Abdoulaye Wade remains optimistic and has declared that, though the concept was his idea, he personally will magnanimously take only 35 percent of the revenue streams generated from visitors.

-- By 2004 presidential proclamation and 2007 statute, the U.S. government made it clear that no foreign official or family members would be allowed into the country if they are "involved in corruption" regarding oil or other natural resources in their home countries. However, as The New York Times reported in November, Equatorial Guinea's oil minister (and son of its president) owns a $35 million estate in Malibu, Calif., that he visits regularly in his Gulfstream jet even though the U.S. Justice Department regards him as a major agent of corruption. (U.S. companies manage Equatorial Guinea's oil production, and the State Department is reluctant to challenge the country, according to officials cited by the Times.)

In November, Powhatan County, Va., prosecutors dismissed charges against five corrections officers despite evidence that they were involved in inappropriately fondling a K-9 service dog. During training, officers are expected to "bond" with their dogs, and one of the men was seen "touching the dog's penis with his hand," according to a prosecutor. However, Virginia law requires that the state prove "cruelty" to the dog, and the prosecutor, after consulting with veterinarians, concluded that he could not win the case.

Russell Vanderwerf, 44, an agent of the U.S. Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives, was arrested in Metairie, La., in December and charged with damaging property while staying at the Residence Inn hotel. According to police, Vanderwerf had removed the bedroom door to his suite and in its place installed a plywood plank which contained a hole at about pelvis level that had been rimmed in duct tape and which the arresting deputy said appeared to be used "in some sort of sexual act." Another guest told police that numerous young men had been entering and exiting Vanderwerf's room.

(1) In Morehead, Ky., in December, two men, ages 44 and 18, were charged with theft for allegedly swiping an 18-inch-long bearded dragon lizard from the Eagles Landing Pet Hospital and trying, in two beverage stores, to exchange it for liquor. (2) Daniel Gable, 61, was arrested for breaking and entering a neighbor's apartment in Fargo, N.D., in December. He had triggered the resident's "burglar alarm," which consisted of the stack of empty beer cans the resident places just inside his front door every night. (3) Lawyer Christopher Carroll was charged with misdemeanor battery in December for forcefully belly-bumping lawyer Jonathan Carbary during a courthouse hallway argument in St. Charles Township, Ill. Carroll said it was an accident: "We're both obese, middle-aged men."

President Obama's figurine was expected to lead in sales for the second straight year in the traditional "caganer" craft industry in Spain's Catalonia region. As News of the Weird reported in 2008, the popular statuettes are typically modeled on famous people, each with pants down, squatting to answer a call of nature. They are ubiquitous in Nativity scenes, playfully hidden to encourage children's where's-waldo-type guessing, and believed to symbolize "equality" through the universality of bodily functions. Another figurine expected to do well this season is the brand-new Queen Elizabeth.

In August 1993, Pentecostal preacher Sammy Rodriguez, 29, and 19 relatives from Floydada, Texas, set out in one vehicle on a pilgrimage, but as they passed through Vinton, La., Rodriguez sped away from police trying to make a traffic stop. When the chase ended, police discovered that all 20 people in the vehicle were naked. Rodriguez explained that the Holy Spirit had ordered him and his family on a journey and that they were to leave behind all possessions (supposedly to confuse Satan), which Rodriguez took to mean clothing, also. He pleaded guilty to the traffic charge, and, with donated clothing, the group went on their way.

In December, a prominent online game player, Buzz "Erik" Lightyear, won the auction for ownership of a virtual space station in the Planet Calypso game, paying 3.3 million Project Entropia Dollars (PEDs), which at various points entered the game's play-like economy at an out-of-pocket cost of 10 actual U.S. cents per PED. Thus, Lightyear "paid" $330,000 for nothing more than digital representations of cool-looking structures. However, Lightyear can now charge other PED-seeking players who shop and hunt for valuables on the popular space station and appears confident he will eventually earn back his investment. (On the other hand, if everyone suddenly abandoned the game, Lightyear will have spent thousands of hours online, buying, selling and bartering to earn $330,000 worth of PEDs that would then be worthless.)

-- In January, the Berkeley (Calif.) School Board began consideration of a near-unanimous recommendation of Berkeley High School's Governance Council to eliminate science labs from its curriculum, reasoning that the classes mostly serve white students, leaving less money for programs for underperforming minorities. Berkeley High's white students do far better academically than the state average; black and Latino students do worse than average. Five science teachers would be dismissed.

-- The Wisconsin legislature is considering a bill to designate a "state bacterium" (the Lactococcus lactis, which is crucial to turning milk into the state's famous cheese). If approved, the bacterium would join two dozen other state symbols (according to the Wisconsin Blue Book): coat of arms, seal, motto, flag, song, flower, bird, tree, fish, state animal, wildlife animal, domestic animal, mineral, rock, symbol of peace, insect, soil, fossil, dog, beverage, grain, dance, ballad, waltz, fruit and tartan.

-- New York City, under Mayor Bloomberg's leadership, has taken aggressive positions against cigarette-smoking and restaurant dishes made with trans fats, but the city's Department of Health is apparently more tolerant regarding heroin. A recently released, department-funded 16-page pamphlet instructs heroin users on "safer" ways to inject the drug (and suggests, if the first needle stab misses a vein, the more healthful course is to pull out and begin anew rather than try to maneuver the syringe). Of course, the booklet contains several warnings against any use of heroin, but those, obviously, are messages habitually ignored by addicts.

-- In December, Portuguese dancer Rita Marcalo, seeking to raise public awareness of the tragedy of epilepsy (which has afflicted her for 20 years), performed a 24-hour "show" at a West Yorkshire, England, theater in which she attempted to trigger an epileptic seizure on stage. She had stopped taking medication beforehand and continually stared into flashing strobe lights, but was unsuccessful. However, in the second part of her project (which has been funded by an Arts Council grant of the equivalent of about $20,000), she will continue the quest, but only in front of cameras, hoping to capture a seizure for a subsequent video production.

-- Scottish sculptor Kevin Harman was fined the equivalent of about $325 in November for vandalizing the Collective Gallery in Edinburgh by smashing a metal scaffolding pole through a gallery window. Harman insisted that the incident was actually "art," in that it was part of a video for a project at the Edinburgh College of Art and that Harman had immediately paid to replace the window. However, it was not "art" to the gallery's management, which pressed charges. Harman, according to London's The Guardian, said he was less distressed by the fine than by the gallery's insulting his art by calling it vandalism.

-- Although the U.S. military stateside can direct a drone aircraft halfway around the world to deliver bombs mostly on highly specific targets in Iraq, the Pentagon acknowledged in December that even after six years of war, its signals to the drone are still not encrypted. Thus, Iraqi insurgents can pinpoint drone locations merely by using ordinary computer programs like SkyGrabber, which is widely available from software retailers for about $25. U.S. officials admitted that the software could make it easier for insurgents to anticipate the timing and location of attacks.

-- Afghanistan and Pakistan continue to be dangerous for blundering insurgents. In January, 14 suspected Taliban terrorists accidentally blew themselves up in Kunduz province while riding a bus carrying bombs to an intended target. And in Karachi, Pakistan, two days later, eight suspected terrorists accidentally blew themselves up while handling bombs in their "safe house."

(1) In December, University of London math professor Simon Blackburn published a complicated, square-root-deriving formula to determine whether a driver has enough room to parallel-park within a given space. By inputting such measurements as a car's wheel base and the radius of its turning circle, a driver can calculate an exact, when-to-turn steering instruction. (2) A December National Public Radio report noted that fake houseflies have begun appearing in urinals around the world based apparently on research showing that men are more likely to aim at the flies, thus leaving the area surrounding the urinal cleaner. Another commentator wondered how such "research" was conducted (other than by the obvious method of paper-wiping floors around urinals and then comparing the wipes).

(1) Clovis, N.M., Nov. 21: "The (grandmother), who said she relied on a walker for mobility, said the (son-in-law) had come into the bathroom while she was using it and had grabbed and twisted her nose until she could hear the bones and cartilage cracking. The man was arrested." (2) Apple Valley, Minn., Oct. 13: "Officers responded to a report that a man was sitting on the curb in front of his house talking to himself. When officers arrived they found a very intoxicated man who wanted officers to drive him to Washington, D.C., so that he could discuss the country's military involvement in the Middle East with President Obama."

Ewwwwww! (1) Prominent eastern Idaho prosecuting attorney Blake Hall, 56, was fired in November (and he also resigned from a major national political position) after his conviction for stalking an ex-girlfriend. Evidence at trial revealed that Hall had been tossing used condoms onto the woman's lawn, a total of 19 collected on 10 different days. (2) Truck driver Yuuki Oshima, 22, was arrested in Chiba, Japan, in December after allegedly urinating through the mail slot of a woman's apartment door on more than one occasion. Oshima told police that he was frustrated, apparently too shy to approach the woman and admit that he was "crazy" about her.

World's Laziest Bank Robbers: (1) In December in Cardiff (Wales) Crown Court, James Snell was sentenced to 10 years in prison for a bank robbery from which he made his getaway in his own car with an easy-to-remember personalized license plate ("J4MES"). (2) Mark McAvinew, 52, was arrested in Kansas City, Mo., in December after allegedly robbing the Metcalf Bank and fleeing in an A.M. Heating & Cooling company van (a business he co-owns). (3) In November, Christopher Walker was sentenced to two years in jail for robbing a Lloyds TSB Bank in Birmingham, England. He had been caught within minutes, as he fled the bank to his home across the street.

World's Greatest Lawyer: In May 1999 a jury in Birmingham, Ala., ruled in favor of Barbara Carlisle and her parents in their lawsuit against two companies responsible for charging them 18 more monthly payments than what the salesman originally promised when they had two satellite dishes installed. The total overcharge was $1,224. The jury awarded the plaintiffs punitive damages of $581 million.