What Recession? A December USA Today analysis revealed that during the first 18 months of the recent recession, beginning December 2007, the number of federal employees with six-figure salaries shot up from 14 percent of the federal workforce to 19 percent. Defense Department civilian executives earning more than $150,000 went from 1,868 to more than 10,000, and the Department of Transportation, which had only one person earning $170,000 in December 2007, now has 1,690. The average federal salary is $71,206, compared with the private sector's $40,331.

-- Being the first licensed male prostitute in Nevada (and thus the U.S.), explained "Markus" in a January interview for Details magazine, is to him "a civil rights thing." "It's just the same as when Rosa Parks decided to sit at the front (of the bus) instead of the back."

-- Lame: (1) Ex-convict John Stephens told a Floyd County (Ind.) judge in December that he had a full-time job and intended to turn his life around, but had slipped when he tried to rob the Your Community Bank. "If I hadn't been watching the news and seeing (other successful) bank robberies," he said, he wouldn't have been tempted. He said he was especially impressed by one serial robber, who had made it look easy by vaulting over banks' counters. (2) In Kansas City, Mo., in December, the mother of Charles Irving tried to protect her 27-year-old son from a charge of being a felon in possession of a gun. She told police (without success) that he had needed the gun to protect her from vampires.

-- Rod Jetton, a former speaker of the Missouri House of Representatives and creator of Common Sense Conservative Consulting, LLC, was charged with felony assault in December after visiting a woman in her home in Sikeston, apparently for a sexual encounter. The woman later charged that Jetton punched her in the head and choked her into unconsciousness as his idea of foreplay, but Jetton said the "assault" was consensual, in that she was to utter a pre-arranged "safe word (phrase)" if things got too rough and that he would have immediately stopped. Jetton told police that the woman never spoke the agreed-on phrase "green balloons."

-- (1) Copenhagen, one of the "greenest" cities in the world, endured an added 41,000 extra tons of carbon-dioxide-equivalent in December during the 11-day "climate summit." The 15,000 delegates required 2,000 limousines (only five of which were electric or hybrid) to get around town, and the world leaders arrived and departed in 140 private jets, some of which had to be "parked" overnight in Sweden because of airport congestion. (2) In December, Obama administration officials, seeking to fulfill a campaign pledge of a more open federal government, held a multi-agency training session in Washington, D.C., on the Freedom of Information Act. The meeting was closed to the public.

-- A central purpose of the California Milk Board is to convince consumers to buy local dairy products to keep the spending in-state to help California's farmers, but the board acknowledged in November that its promotion campaign's advertising contract had gone to an agency in New Zealand. Said a board official: "We have a ... responsibility to spend (taxpayers') hard-earned dollars as efficiently as we can."

-- The huge, $27 million statue ("African Renaissance") being built in Dakar, Senegal, was conceived to boost tourism and be a point of African pride, acting as a magnet for visitors and museum-goers. Problems have arisen (the statue was built by North Korean labor, has no distinct African theme, and features a female who reveals perhaps too much thigh). However, according to a November BBC News dispatch, Senegal's president Abdoulaye Wade remains optimistic and has declared that, though the concept was his idea, he personally will magnanimously take only 35 percent of the revenue streams generated from visitors.

-- By 2004 presidential proclamation and 2007 statute, the U.S. government made it clear that no foreign official or family members would be allowed into the country if they are "involved in corruption" regarding oil or other natural resources in their home countries. However, as The New York Times reported in November, Equatorial Guinea's oil minister (and son of its president) owns a $35 million estate in Malibu, Calif., that he visits regularly in his Gulfstream jet even though the U.S. Justice Department regards him as a major agent of corruption. (U.S. companies manage Equatorial Guinea's oil production, and the State Department is reluctant to challenge the country, according to officials cited by the Times.)

In November, Powhatan County, Va., prosecutors dismissed charges against five corrections officers despite evidence that they were involved in inappropriately fondling a K-9 service dog. During training, officers are expected to "bond" with their dogs, and one of the men was seen "touching the dog's penis with his hand," according to a prosecutor. However, Virginia law requires that the state prove "cruelty" to the dog, and the prosecutor, after consulting with veterinarians, concluded that he could not win the case.

Russell Vanderwerf, 44, an agent of the U.S. Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives, was arrested in Metairie, La., in December and charged with damaging property while staying at the Residence Inn hotel. According to police, Vanderwerf had removed the bedroom door to his suite and in its place installed a plywood plank which contained a hole at about pelvis level that had been rimmed in duct tape and which the arresting deputy said appeared to be used "in some sort of sexual act." Another guest told police that numerous young men had been entering and exiting Vanderwerf's room.

(1) In Morehead, Ky., in December, two men, ages 44 and 18, were charged with theft for allegedly swiping an 18-inch-long bearded dragon lizard from the Eagles Landing Pet Hospital and trying, in two beverage stores, to exchange it for liquor. (2) Daniel Gable, 61, was arrested for breaking and entering a neighbor's apartment in Fargo, N.D., in December. He had triggered the resident's "burglar alarm," which consisted of the stack of empty beer cans the resident places just inside his front door every night. (3) Lawyer Christopher Carroll was charged with misdemeanor battery in December for forcefully belly-bumping lawyer Jonathan Carbary during a courthouse hallway argument in St. Charles Township, Ill. Carroll said it was an accident: "We're both obese, middle-aged men."

President Obama's figurine was expected to lead in sales for the second straight year in the traditional "caganer" craft industry in Spain's Catalonia region. As News of the Weird reported in 2008, the popular statuettes are typically modeled on famous people, each with pants down, squatting to answer a call of nature. They are ubiquitous in Nativity scenes, playfully hidden to encourage children's where's-waldo-type guessing, and believed to symbolize "equality" through the universality of bodily functions. Another figurine expected to do well this season is the brand-new Queen Elizabeth.

In August 1993, Pentecostal preacher Sammy Rodriguez, 29, and 19 relatives from Floydada, Texas, set out in one vehicle on a pilgrimage, but as they passed through Vinton, La., Rodriguez sped away from police trying to make a traffic stop. When the chase ended, police discovered that all 20 people in the vehicle were naked. Rodriguez explained that the Holy Spirit had ordered him and his family on a journey and that they were to leave behind all possessions (supposedly to confuse Satan), which Rodriguez took to mean clothing, also. He pleaded guilty to the traffic charge, and, with donated clothing, the group went on their way.

In December, a prominent online game player, Buzz "Erik" Lightyear, won the auction for ownership of a virtual space station in the Planet Calypso game, paying 3.3 million Project Entropia Dollars (PEDs), which at various points entered the game's play-like economy at an out-of-pocket cost of 10 actual U.S. cents per PED. Thus, Lightyear "paid" $330,000 for nothing more than digital representations of cool-looking structures. However, Lightyear can now charge other PED-seeking players who shop and hunt for valuables on the popular space station and appears confident he will eventually earn back his investment. (On the other hand, if everyone suddenly abandoned the game, Lightyear will have spent thousands of hours online, buying, selling and bartering to earn $330,000 worth of PEDs that would then be worthless.)

-- In January, the Berkeley (Calif.) School Board began consideration of a near-unanimous recommendation of Berkeley High School's Governance Council to eliminate science labs from its curriculum, reasoning that the classes mostly serve white students, leaving less money for programs for underperforming minorities. Berkeley High's white students do far better academically than the state average; black and Latino students do worse than average. Five science teachers would be dismissed.

-- The Wisconsin legislature is considering a bill to designate a "state bacterium" (the Lactococcus lactis, which is crucial to turning milk into the state's famous cheese). If approved, the bacterium would join two dozen other state symbols (according to the Wisconsin Blue Book): coat of arms, seal, motto, flag, song, flower, bird, tree, fish, state animal, wildlife animal, domestic animal, mineral, rock, symbol of peace, insect, soil, fossil, dog, beverage, grain, dance, ballad, waltz, fruit and tartan.

-- New York City, under Mayor Bloomberg's leadership, has taken aggressive positions against cigarette-smoking and restaurant dishes made with trans fats, but the city's Department of Health is apparently more tolerant regarding heroin. A recently released, department-funded 16-page pamphlet instructs heroin users on "safer" ways to inject the drug (and suggests, if the first needle stab misses a vein, the more healthful course is to pull out and begin anew rather than try to maneuver the syringe). Of course, the booklet contains several warnings against any use of heroin, but those, obviously, are messages habitually ignored by addicts.

-- In December, Portuguese dancer Rita Marcalo, seeking to raise public awareness of the tragedy of epilepsy (which has afflicted her for 20 years), performed a 24-hour "show" at a West Yorkshire, England, theater in which she attempted to trigger an epileptic seizure on stage. She had stopped taking medication beforehand and continually stared into flashing strobe lights, but was unsuccessful. However, in the second part of her project (which has been funded by an Arts Council grant of the equivalent of about $20,000), she will continue the quest, but only in front of cameras, hoping to capture a seizure for a subsequent video production.

-- Scottish sculptor Kevin Harman was fined the equivalent of about $325 in November for vandalizing the Collective Gallery in Edinburgh by smashing a metal scaffolding pole through a gallery window. Harman insisted that the incident was actually "art," in that it was part of a video for a project at the Edinburgh College of Art and that Harman had immediately paid to replace the window. However, it was not "art" to the gallery's management, which pressed charges. Harman, according to London's The Guardian, said he was less distressed by the fine than by the gallery's insulting his art by calling it vandalism.

-- Although the U.S. military stateside can direct a drone aircraft halfway around the world to deliver bombs mostly on highly specific targets in Iraq, the Pentagon acknowledged in December that even after six years of war, its signals to the drone are still not encrypted. Thus, Iraqi insurgents can pinpoint drone locations merely by using ordinary computer programs like SkyGrabber, which is widely available from software retailers for about $25. U.S. officials admitted that the software could make it easier for insurgents to anticipate the timing and location of attacks.

-- Afghanistan and Pakistan continue to be dangerous for blundering insurgents. In January, 14 suspected Taliban terrorists accidentally blew themselves up in Kunduz province while riding a bus carrying bombs to an intended target. And in Karachi, Pakistan, two days later, eight suspected terrorists accidentally blew themselves up while handling bombs in their "safe house."

(1) In December, University of London math professor Simon Blackburn published a complicated, square-root-deriving formula to determine whether a driver has enough room to parallel-park within a given space. By inputting such measurements as a car's wheel base and the radius of its turning circle, a driver can calculate an exact, when-to-turn steering instruction. (2) A December National Public Radio report noted that fake houseflies have begun appearing in urinals around the world based apparently on research showing that men are more likely to aim at the flies, thus leaving the area surrounding the urinal cleaner. Another commentator wondered how such "research" was conducted (other than by the obvious method of paper-wiping floors around urinals and then comparing the wipes).

(1) Clovis, N.M., Nov. 21: "The (grandmother), who said she relied on a walker for mobility, said the (son-in-law) had come into the bathroom while she was using it and had grabbed and twisted her nose until she could hear the bones and cartilage cracking. The man was arrested." (2) Apple Valley, Minn., Oct. 13: "Officers responded to a report that a man was sitting on the curb in front of his house talking to himself. When officers arrived they found a very intoxicated man who wanted officers to drive him to Washington, D.C., so that he could discuss the country's military involvement in the Middle East with President Obama."

Ewwwwww! (1) Prominent eastern Idaho prosecuting attorney Blake Hall, 56, was fired in November (and he also resigned from a major national political position) after his conviction for stalking an ex-girlfriend. Evidence at trial revealed that Hall had been tossing used condoms onto the woman's lawn, a total of 19 collected on 10 different days. (2) Truck driver Yuuki Oshima, 22, was arrested in Chiba, Japan, in December after allegedly urinating through the mail slot of a woman's apartment door on more than one occasion. Oshima told police that he was frustrated, apparently too shy to approach the woman and admit that he was "crazy" about her.

World's Laziest Bank Robbers: (1) In December in Cardiff (Wales) Crown Court, James Snell was sentenced to 10 years in prison for a bank robbery from which he made his getaway in his own car with an easy-to-remember personalized license plate ("J4MES"). (2) Mark McAvinew, 52, was arrested in Kansas City, Mo., in December after allegedly robbing the Metcalf Bank and fleeing in an A.M. Heating & Cooling company van (a business he co-owns). (3) In November, Christopher Walker was sentenced to two years in jail for robbing a Lloyds TSB Bank in Birmingham, England. He had been caught within minutes, as he fled the bank to his home across the street.

World's Greatest Lawyer: In May 1999 a jury in Birmingham, Ala., ruled in favor of Barbara Carlisle and her parents in their lawsuit against two companies responsible for charging them 18 more monthly payments than what the salesman originally promised when they had two satellite dishes installed. The total overcharge was $1,224. The jury awarded the plaintiffs punitive damages of $581 million.

Big-time traffickers who smuggle illegal immigrants into the U.S. from Mexico rely on GPS devices to evade the Border Patrol, but starting in June, border-jumpers who travel on their own can have protection, too. Three University of California, San Diego faculty members have designed inexpensive cell phones with special software to locate water, churches and medical facilities in the treacherous Southwest desert (while avoiding law enforcement) and will give the devices to Mexican charities. The phones, which will also feature "welcome to the U.S." poetry, are expected to save the lives of many of the hundreds who die each year on their dangerous journeys, but illegal-immigration protesters are demanding that the academics be arrested for assisting in crimes.

-- A man identified in China's Chongqing Evening News in November as Mr. Zhang, 32, admitted he is competitive with his wife and "never wants to lose an argument," but inevitably his contentiousness leaves him with "bruises and scars all over" because Mrs. Zhang is a kung fu master. After negotiations led by Mrs. Zhang's parents, she agreed by contract to limit any beatings to no more than once a week, with a parent-administered penalty for exceeding that.

-- American Jonathan Littell was awarded the 2009 "Bad Sex in Fiction" award by Britain's prestigious Literary Review, having written passages like these in his novel "The Kindly Ones": "I [climaxed] suddenly, a jolt that emptied my head like a spoon scraping the inside of a soft-boiled egg." Later: A woman's genitalia resembles "a Gorgon's head ... a motionless Cyclops whose single eye never blinks. If only I could still get hard, I thought, I could use my [organ] like a stake hardened in the fire, and blind this Polyphemus who made me Nobody. But my [organ] remained inert, I seemed turned to stone."

-- The Kirklees (West Yorkshire, England) Environmental Health department cited farmer Ronald Norcliffe, 65, in 2008 for inadequate lighting in his barn, which inspectors said failed to meet the "psychological needs" of his one cow and her calf. In his formal appeal, heard in October 2009, Norcliffe noted (unsuccessfully) that he has had a clean record as a farmer for 30 years and that in fact, he still lives fine without electricity in his own house. After his defeat, Norcliffe's lawyer sighed. "I still have no idea how much lighting is appropriate for a cow."

-- In December, a court in Istanbul, Turkey, found 39 people guilty of trying to overthrow the government after a trial that lasted, on and off, for 28 years. More than 1,000 defendants had been rounded up after challenging a 1980 military coup. The original trial lasted 10 years, but the case languished in an appeals court for 13 years while judges awaited 100 folders of evidence that had somehow gone missing. The 39 were given life sentences, but were immediately released based on time already served. The European Union has urged that Turkey upgrade its judicial system as a pre-condition for membership.

-- Intelligent Design: As with all copulating species, female Muscovy ducks battle male Muscovy ducks over which controls fertilization. Patricia Brennan of Yale, writing in a recent Proceedings of the Royal Society B: Biological Sciences, found that the female Muscovy avoids forced sex by having evolved a clockwise-spiraled corkscrew vagina that foils male intruders (but relaxing it for preferred mates, so that they don't get stuck in vaginal "cul-de-sacs"). Brennan's team worked with high-speed video and mock-up glass tubing of the respective organs.

-- Plastic surgeon Mark Weinberger, who skipped town in Merrillville, Ind., in 2004 to avoid mounting malpractice lawsuits and Medicare fraud charges, was finally cornered living in a tent on the southern slopes of Italy's Mont Blanc in December. As authorities approached to arrest him, Dr. Weinberger grabbed a knife and plunged it into his neck, but perhaps owing to his rusty skills (or incompetence, if the malpractice claims are accurate), missed the major artery and was captured.

-- The Great Yarmouth Sea Life Centre in Norfolk, England, lowered the water level in its giant aquarium for Christmas because the big turtles (which are herbivores) were scheduled to receive their annual holiday treat of brussels sprouts. Officials know from experience that if they fail to lower the water level, the gas bubbles from the powerful turtle emissions will lift the water high enough to trigger the emergency tank-flooding buzzers.

-- In November, Oprah Winfrey's mother, Vernita Lee, and the luxury fashion store Valentina Inc. announced a settlement of the latter's lawsuit over Lee's $155,547 outstanding tab. On a previous tab of $174,285 in 2002, Lee had agreed to make periodic repayments, but the store apparently allowed her to open another account, and as the new balance swelled, Lee sued, claiming the store should not have re-extended credit to her.

-- In December, pedophile Theodore Sypnier (the first-ever New Yorker to turn 100 years old while behind bars) was released from prison even though he continues to deny that he has done anything wrong. He was sent once again to a halfway house near Walden, N.Y., run by Rev. Terry King, who took Sypnier in twice before and warns that Sypnier is still highly dangerous. "As a father," said King, "I would not want my child anywhere near him." Noting that Sypnier continues to reject counseling, King said, "He's been adamant that, 'I'm 100, and I'm not gonna change.'"

Failed to Keep a Low Profile: (1) A news summary of traffic stops on Christmas Eve in Alice Springs, Australia, noted that 11 people were charged with DUI, including one man who was spotted driving despite his car's hood being broken in the "up" position and having smashed through his windshield. The driver maneuvered down the street by craning his neck out the side window. (2) Two weeks earlier, in Trumbull, Conn., police arrested Christopher Frazao, 27, after watching him drive despite a windshield full of snow (except for a small opening he could peer though). A search of the car revealed marijuana and other drugs, as well as items believed to have been stolen in recent burglaries.

On the heels of the "Balloon Boy" fiasco in which a super-ambitious father exploited his child to win a reality TV job, Jim Dunn of North Vancouver, British Columbia, submitted a demo reel to reality-show producers featuring him and his entire family turned into gasoline-soaked fireballs. Dunn, one of Canada's leading film stunt men, and his wife and three kids, ages 15, 12 and 9, have all performed as stunt doubles (though it was the first fire for the youngest, who was 7 when the video was shot), and abundant safety precautions were taken (with no resulting complications). In his career, Dunn has suffered six leg fractures and a cracked skull, and needed two bowel resections.

Psychology professor Russell Carney of Southwest Missouri State University told the Associated Press in August 1992 that he had developed a technique for improving memory and told the reporter how he could facilitate the recall, say, that a particular painting was done by Degas in 1865. First, think of an object that sounds like "Degas" (day-GAH), for example, "dagger," and then memorize the last two digits of the year by learning the sentence "Twin new moons rose low, just clearing four pine saplings," in which the first word begins with a T and stands for "1," the second, N, stands for "2," and so on. Thus, 1865 becomes "65," which becomes "just" "low," which could translate to J-L, which could be "jelly," which would produce a "jelly dagger," to which the subject tries to find a resemblance, somewhere, in the Degas painting. Simple as that!