The European Union allows fruits and vegetables to be sold only in prescribed sizes and colors (such as its 35 pages of regulations governing 250 varieties of the apple, or rules that cucumbers must be straight and bananas curved). In June, British marketer Tim Down complained that he was forced to discard 5,000 kiwi fruit because they were 1 millimeter in diameter too small and one-fourth ounce too light. (It is illegal even to give them away, as that would undermine the market price.) "Improvements" in the EU system continue, according to a July Washington Post dispatch from Brussels: Despite 10 pages of standards on the onion and 19 amendments, the Dutch Ministry of Agriculture recently issued a report urging further refinements, using 29 pages and 43 photographs.

Artist Michael Fernandes' exhibit in Halifax, Nova Scotia, in June caused a commotion because it was merely a banana on a gallery's window sill, and Fernandes had it priced at $2,500 (Cdn) (down from his original thought, $15,000). Actually, Fernandes changed bananas every day (eating the old one), placing progressively greener ones out to demonstrate the banana's transitoriness. "We (humans) are also temporal, but we live as if we are not," he wrote. Despite the steep price, two collectors placed holds on the "work," requiring the gallery's co-owner, Victoria Page, to get assurance from callers. "It's a banana; you understand that it's a banana?"

-- In May, the school board in Barrie, Ontario, notified Children's Aid Society to intervene with mother Colleen Leduc and her daughter Victoria, 11, because of suspected sexual abuse, angering the conscientious Leduc, who until that point had taken extraordinary measures to protect the girl, who is autistic. Upon investigation, it was revealed that the suspicion came from a teaching assistant who said her psychic had told her that a girl with a "V" in her name was being abused by a man aged 23 to 26. Leduc now refuses to trust Victoria to public schools because "they might want to take out a Ouija board or hold a seance."

-- The June transfer of a prisoner from lockup to Britain's Northampton Crown Court, just across the street, required summoning the closest prison van (57 miles away) to come give him a ride. The prisoner (accused thief Mark Bailey) could not simply be walked across the street because officials feared that public, custodial exposure (a "perp walk") would embarrass him, in violation of his "human rights."

-- The San Francisco Board of Supervisors has a longstanding policy of not co-operating with the federal government's enforcement of immigration laws, but in June that stance abruptly backfired, according to a San Francisco Chronicle report. Illegal immigrants who are minors and who committed felonies such as drug-trafficking in San Francisco have not been bound over for federal deportation but have either been quietly flown home, with an escort, at city expense, or placed in California group homes. In June, when San Bernardino County officials realized that one of its youth group homes contained drug dealers, San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom halted the program and promised the city would improve its relationship with immigration officials.

-- Police, including SWAT officers, were called to an apartment in Mesa, Ariz., in June after neighbors reported a fight between a man and woman that included yelling and breaking things inside. When they arrived, they found only a 21-year-old man, conducting the fight by himself, alternating a high-pitched voice with a low-pitched one. He was referred for a medical exam.

-- Need for Speed: (1) Ontario's recent law against street-racing snared two noteworthy drivers in April: a 26-year-old man who was cited when he passed a marked police car while doing 178 km/hr (106 mph) and the driver of a garbage truck, racing at 112 km/hr (double the posted speed limit). (2) A 3-year-old girl was seriously injured in Huntsville, Ala., in May in a collision caused, said witnesses, by a speeding contest between two men, both employees of Comcast Corp., driving company vans.

-- In March, a jury acquitted the former parking manager for Fresno, Calif., Bob Madewell, of all misuse-of-funds charges, including one count for reducing the minor league baseball Grizzlies' parking fees in exchange for tickets for his brother and himself, and another count in which he paid a female worker $300 in city funds to let him touch her breasts. Juror Trish Riederer, in an interview with the Fresno Bee, said she and her fellow jurors believe that Madewell did everything that prosecutors say he did but that the city did not have clear procedures in place about Madewell's scope of authority.

-- Teachers Out of Control: (1) Fifth-grade teacher Susan Romanyszyn, 45, was arrested in Bucks County, Pa., in January and charged with 17 counts of threatening bombings and gun violence after she was assigned to teach fourth grade, instead. (2) Sixth-grade teacher Roshondra Sipp of Jackson, Miss., aroused parents' ire in May for forcing the class to vote on who among them would be most likely to die young or get pregnant while still in school or get HIV or go to jail. Then, Sipp posted the results, enraging parents whose little charmers made the lists.

"(A) person with a sneeze fetish can find erotic pleasure in those few seconds," according to the ABC News Medical Unit, in an April report, when "the eyes close as the body prepares to forcefully expel air," but "experts are stumped as to why." An Internet "sneeze fetish forum" allows members to wax rhapsodic ("She has the cutest sneeze ever") and recall pleasurable experiences (such as the thrill of discovering that one's new college roommate has allergies and will be sneezing frequently), and many use language and suggest visions that mimic sexual behaviors.

Failure to Communicate: (1) The man who tried to rob the Cafe Treo in Salt Lake City in April likely told the employee to "fill" the bag, but when the employee reached over and earnestly started to "feel" the bag (according to police), the robber said, "You've gotta be kidding me" and ran out of the store. (2) Another man who came away empty-handed had tried to rob a Walgreens in Port Richey, Fla., in July, handing a clerk what appeared to be a holdup note, except that nothing was written on it. The clerk, sensing the forgetful robber's cluelessness, boldly dialed 911 right in front of him, causing the man to flee.

Ronald McDade, charged with raping a teenager in Lansdale, Pa., in January, petitioned to be allowed to submit a plaster cast of his penis to the jury, to demonstrate that, since he is an "extremely large" man (according to his lawyer), he could not physically have penetrated the girl without causing genital injury (and no such injury was found). News of the Weird has reported previously on rape defendants offering to give the jury either a photograph, or a live exhibition, to make the same point.

(1) An 18-year-old man was killed in March while riding in a shopping cart and holding onto an SUV racing down a Winter Park, Fla., street, when it hit a speed bump. (2) A 13-year-old skateboarder was killed in May at a railroad crossing in O'Fallon, Ill., when (according to police) he was unsuccessful in beating a train to the crossing. (3) An 18-year-old man was killed in June in Blaine, Wash., when the steamroller he was taking for a joyride at a construction site overturned and fell on top of him.

(Visit Chuck Shepherd daily at http://NewsoftheWeird.blogspot.com or www.NewsoftheWeird.com. Send your Weird News to WeirdNewsTips@yahoo.com or P.O. Box 18737, Tampa, FL 33679.)

While Iran's leaders saber-rattle and quote the Quran, the country's multitudes of young adults are embracing New Age self-help, as exemplified by the best-selling books and sold-out seminars of motivational guru Alireza Azmandian, according to a June Wall Street Journal dispatch from Tehran. Though young adults in Turkey and Egypt have stepped up their religious fervor, that is not so in Iran. Said a 25-year-old aerospace engineer: "Religion doesn't offer me answers anymore," but "(Azmandian's) seminar changed my life." The Oprah Winfrey-touted book "The Secret" is in its 10th printing in Farsi; yoga and meditation are big; and advertising abounds on the virtues of feng shui and financial management.

-- Randall Popkes, 41, and his son Joshua Williams, 22, were arrested in West Des Moines, Iowa, in May and charged with an attempted safecracking at the Des Moines Golf and Country Club. A security officer had noted their license plate as they sped away after a frustrating session in which they had cut into the safe but could not open it. In fact, they had left behind a note for management, according to the Des Moines Register: "(Expletive) you and your safe."

-- At press time, a court in Athens, Greece, was considering a challenge brought by three residents of the island of Lesbos in the Aegian Sea to prevent a Greek gay and lesbian organization from referring to homosexual women as lesbians, arguing that such usage insults their heritage, since Lesbos residents have traditionally been called "Lesbians." On the other hand, Lesbos was also the birthplace of the poet Sappho, a heroic woman among gays and lesbians for her early references to her love of other women.

-- The Panda Chinese Restaurant in York, Pa., was already in trouble in an early June city sanitation inspection, with demerits piling up because of accumulated grease, insects in the seating area and rotting lettuce, according to a York Daily Record report. Then, in the middle of an inspector's visit, he came upon a live snapping turtle in the restaurant's main sink. Said the inspector, "I had to sit down and gather myself before I could speak." The manager said he had seen the turtle outside and had brought it in for safety: "It was wrong that we put it in the sink."

-- Oops! (1) A June accident with nitric acid at the Albion Chemicals plant in Belfast, Northern Ireland, caused the release of an ominous cloud, but authorities said it was predominantly nitrous oxide, otherwise known as "laughing gas." An Associated Press dispatch reported no unusual "giggling" in the area. (2) A scheduling accident at the Eagle Trace Golf Course in Broomfield, Colo., in June caused insufficient time between the end of an early morning junior golf association event (kids age 7 to 12) and a noontime charity tournament sponsored by Shotgun Willie's strip club, with scantily clad dancers cavorting around the course. One mother told WUSA-TV that her little golfer asked, "Mom, why is she only wearing underwear?"

-- Spare the Gun (Hammer), Spoil the Child: (1) Darrell Walker, 30, was arrested in Bartlesville, Okla., in May after his 8-year-old son told police that his dad routinely shoots him (and his younger sister) in the leg with a BB gun if they misbehave. (2) Robert Cisero, 46, was arrested in Medford, Ore., in June after (according to police) he hit his teenage daughter in the ankle with a hammer to feign a "skating" injury, for which she could get a prescription for pain medication, which he then commandeered.

-- The New York Daily News reported in June that members of gangs such as the Bloods and the Latin Kings, who become parents, are routinely having their babies "blessed" into their gangs in religious ceremonies in which the swaddling clothes are the gang's colors. (The Bloods call such babies "Blood drops" or "Blood stains.") The Daily News described the parents "teaching chubby little fingers to (make) gang signs" even before the toddlers learn to talk. One Episcopal priest said he has "blessed in" about 300 such kids to two gangs.

(1) In July, the Utah Supreme Court ordered a new trial for Erik Low, now 40, ruling that a jury should have considered the possibility of a lesser crime than manslaughter in the 2003 shooting death of a man who had just 15 seconds earlier during a fight given Low what was described as a violent wedgie. (2) In June, a 20-year-old window cleaner on Australia's Gold Coast survived a nine-story plunge, suffering only a broken arm and, from falling on his harness, a super wedgie.

(1) In May, NASA sought subjects for a study into the effects of microgravity on the human body and offered each participant $17,000 to lie in bed for 90 straight days. (2) In April, England's University of East Anglia advertised for subjects for a study of whether a natural compound found in cocoa could cut the risk of heart disease among diabetic women; the participants must be willing to eat chocolates every day for a year.

(1) In Augusta, Maine, in June, Marshall Crandall IV, 39, was sentenced to serve nine months in jail for violating a domestic protection order by reuniting with his girlfriend, even though the woman pleaded with the judge, arguing that the altercations were mutual and that it could just have well been she who was charged with assault that night. Said she, "I picked him up three or four times and slammed him on the ground." (2) Scott Sullivan, 35, was arrested in Van Buren, Ark., in June and charged with kidnapping and assaulting his mother. He told police that he got upset when he learned that her dog had killed his pet skunk.

Not Ready for Prime Time: According to police in Canton, Mich., Joseph Webster, 54, walked into a Comerica bank in June, gave the teller a robbery note and claimed he had a bomb strapped to his body. A nearby customer overheard, pulled out his licensed 9 mm handgun and told Webster: "You are not robbing this bank." Webster insisted: "But I have a bomb." The customer: "I don't care." Webster then quietly sat down in a chair, where he remained until police arrived.

Artist Martin Creed won Britain's 2001 Turner Prize for his highly acclaimed installation of a lightbulb going off and on indefinitely in an otherwise-empty room. His latest exhibition ("Work No. 850"), at the Tate Britain in July, consists of a runner sprinting through one of the galleries every 30 seconds. The museum's director described Work No. 850 as a "compelling," "lyrical" piece that "upsets any preconceived ideas" of moving through an art space. News of the Weird's most recent encounter with Creed came in 1996 when he released his "Sick Film," consisting only of shots of people vomiting on camera, and at the time, he said he was considering a similar s-word film, to consist only of people performing an even less tasteful bodily function on camera.

The U.S. Supreme Court reaffirmed in June that defendants have a constitutional right to cross-examine witnesses against them and must get a new trial if denied that right. The challenger was Dwayne Giles, who had tried during his trial to keep incriminating statements by his girlfriend out of court, in that she was not available for him to cross-examine. The reason for her unavailability was that she is dead, and Giles was being tried for her murder. Hence, her statements suggesting Giles' motive cannot be used in court.

(Visit Chuck Shepherd daily at http://NewsoftheWeird.blogspot.com or www.NewsoftheWeird.com. Send your Weird News to WeirdNewsTips@yahoo.com or P.O. Box 18737, Tampa, FL 33679.)

After languishing for two years in the Irish legislature, the Nuclear Test Ban Bill of 2006 has recently been rethought and refurbished, according to a June report in the Irish Independent. Originally, the bill codified the U.N. Test Ban Treaty, adding some provisions specific to Ireland. Among those additions was the punishment for anyone detonating a nuclear weapon in Ireland: up to 12 months in jail and/or a fine of up to 5,000 euros (then, around $6,500), along with language that might even allow a person found guilty to apply for first-offense probation. The proposed punishment this time is expected to be considerably harsher.

-- In the 1920s, when inmate "chain gangs" were in their heyday, Alabama sheriffs were allotted a prison meal budget of $1.75 per prisoner per day, with thrifty sheriffs allowed to pocket any excess for themselves. According to a May Associated Press investigation, the policy, and the amount, are unchanged to this day in 55 of the state's 67 counties, and also unchanged is the fact that sheriffs have cut the menus so cleverly or drastically that some sheriffs still make money on the deal. (The per-meal fee under the National School Lunch program for low-income students is $2.47.)

-- Mr. Gokhan Mutlu filed a lawsuit in May against JetBlue Airways for more than $2 million after he was ordered out of his seat by the captain during a full New York-to-California flight and told to stand up or go "hang out in the bathroom" for the duration. Mutlu had only a gift ticket, and an off-duty JetBlue employee who had originally agreed to sit in the cockpit jump seat changed her mind and thus was given Mutlu's seat. Mutlu pointed out that he was un-seat-belted during turbulence and during the landing.

-- Not Exactly Hard Time: (1) In May, St. Catharines, Ontario, judge Stephen Glithero released Wayne Ryczak on 14 months' jail time already served, as punishment for strangling a prostitute in his trailer home. He claimed self-defense (improbable in such a strangulation), but had pleaded guilty to manslaughter, requesting via his lawyer a two-year sentence. (2) Last year, Stephanie Grissom, driving 71 mph in a 55-mph zone, accidentally struck and killed a Howard County, Md., traffic officer when he stepped onto the highway to motion for her to pull over. In May 2008, the case was closed, with Grissom fined $310 and three points on her record.

-- Vendors in Qingdao, China (where Olympic sailing events will take place in August), were reportedly selling, as unofficial Olympics souvenirs, key rings with heart-shaped plastic charms that contained live (at least temporarily) goldfish suspended in water. Animal protection advocates were incredulous, according to a June report in the Sydney Morning Herald.

-- Denmark has already aroused Muslims' ire for a Danish newspaper's publishing blasphemous caricatures of the Prophet Mohammad in 2006, and in June, the country's public broadcast channel DR1 sponsored an Internet-voting contest to choose among women (presumably Muslims) modeling headscarves. The winner was 18-year-old Huda Falah, who is Iraqi and one of the 46 women who submitted photographs. DR1 insisted that the contest was more about fashionable headscarves than a beauty contest for the models. Among the prizes: an iPod and a subscription to Muslim Girl magazine.

-- "This proves that we are normal," said the founder of the Liberty Gay Rodeo Association in May during the organization's event in a Philadelphia suburb. The sight of rugged cowboys and cowgirls, she said, dispels some sexual stereotypes that have plagued gays and lesbians. However, among the events (besides traditional steer riding and calf roping) was "goat dressing" (with pairs of contestants trying to put hot-pink underwear on an uncooperative goat in the shortest time, according to a Reuters report).

-- After motorist Mark Holder, 30, had a seizure in Boynton Beach, Fla., in June, his car swerved off the road and smashed into a sign, badly injuring him. Emergency workers arrived and, protecting against possible nerve damage, attempted to put a brace on to stabilize his neck. However, Holder became combative, and sheriff's deputies reported that they were forced to shoot Holder "several times" with a Taser to calm him enough that the brace could be fitted.

(1) In Singapore in June, a 36-year-old man was sentenced to 14 years in jail and 18 strokes of the cane after he was convicted of 23 counts of molesting women on elevators and other places, mostly by sniffing their armpits. (2) In June, a masochist, with tastes similar to those of the Ontario man reported here three months ago, was sentenced to four years in jail for encouraging two underage girls near Bicester, England, to kick him repeatedly in the groin until he could no longer handle the pain.

Not Ready for Prime Time: (1) James Milsom, 21, was arrested in Avon and Somerset, England, in June after a hidden camera in a police bait car caught him breaking in and swiping the GPS device. It was his third arrest in four months for breaking into a police bait car to steal a GPS (caught by the hidden camera each time). (2) In June, Reno, Nev., homicide detective David Jenkins was sitting in his unmarked car (but one with emergency lights on the dash and a police radio blaring away) when Mercedes Green, 19, hopped in and, yelling to be heard over the radio, propositioned him for sex. "You're not the police, are you?" she asked. "What do you think," he said. "I didn't think so," the streetwise woman replied. After her arrest, Green explained: "You wear glasses, and I didn't think police could wear them."

Luxury toilets were introduced in hygiene-sensitive Japan in the 1970s, and within 20 years, models were available to automatically heat bottom-splashing water, take health readings of bodily emissions, and supply music and "white noise" to mask the movements, as News of the Weird noted in 1990 and 2001. Though the world is more environmentally conscious, and Japan is among the leaders among industrial nations in energy conservation, the country has not been able to shake its obsession with smart toilets, which consume more electricity than dishwashers or clothes dryers, according to a June Washington Post dispatch from Tokyo. Said one energy consultant, "For hygiene-conscious Japanese, the romance with these toilets is equivalent to the American romance with the Hummer."

A 28-year-old woman, unnamed by the Kitsap (Wash.) Sun, was arrested in May and charged with stealing her husband's wallet and subsequently assaulting an arresting officer. According to deputies, she had awakened her husband, 24, demanding sex, but he had rebuffed her by insisting that from that point on, the two of them would quit smoking, drinking and cussing, limit their sexual activities and be "good Christians." Part or all of that did not sit well with the wife, and police arrived to witness her screaming (described as "blood-curdling"), swearing, slamming doors and complaining about her unsatisfactory sex life, while carrying around a large bottle of whiskey. At one point, she allegedly tossed the couple's 20-pound dog at a deputy (who caught it safely).

(1) Two young men and a juvenile were charged in May in Houston with corpse abuse after they allegedly dug into a grave in a cemetery in the town of Humble, removed the head, and took it away in order to use it as a bong for smoking marijuana. (2) Jorge Espinal, 44, was taken to a hospital in Fort Worth, Texas, in May after an early-morning incident (alcohol was involved) in which he used a loaded handgun to scratch a hand-to-reach itch on his back and accidentally shot himself.

(Visit Chuck Shepherd daily at http://NewsoftheWeird.blogspot.com or www.NewsoftheWeird.com. Send your Weird News to WeirdNewsTips@yahoo.com or P.O. Box 18737, Tampa, FL 33679.)