(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Offering Assistance Without Embarrassing the Recipients
DEAR MISS MANNERS: There were two people in line in front of me in the grocery store, an adolescent boy and a man I assume was his father. They were pooling change to buy a can of soup. One can of soup.
I desperately wanted to give them some money to help them out, but I didn’t want to embarrass or offend them. How could I have helped without making a spectacle of any of us?
GENTLE READER: By catching the cashier’s attention and saying, “Why don’t you include that with mine?” And then, with an apologetic and warm look directed at the father and son, continuing with, “I’m in a bit of a hurry.”
If you are able to carry off just the right look, Miss Manners’ hope is that it will imply that they are doing you a favor -- and perhaps counter any embarrassment because you have done one for them.
Miss Manners for March 05, 2021
DEAR MISS MANNERS: A very good friend's mother passed away recently. I promptly sent a condolences card by U.S. Mail upon learning of her passing.
Unfortunately, the same friend's father then died, literally less than a week later. All this must have been a terrible blow, and I am genuinely so sad for him and his family.
I suppose I should send a second card, but I feel like it seems untoward for some reason. (Especially since I use note cards from a purchased sets -- it then is obvious that I'm working through the same box of cards.)
Would one normally send two cards back-to-back like this? Should I at least switch up the type of note card that I use?
GENTLE READER: Given the doubly tragic circumstances, it seems highly unlikely that your friend is keeping track of your stationery. And if these cards are truly suitable for condolence letters, they are plain and unremarkable anyway.
Miss Manners does recommend, however, that you take pains to ensure that the content of your second letter is worded differently, and refers to the father, as the previous one was about the mother. Your friend’s grief will not likely sufficiently cloud their memory if the sentiments are (the handwritten version of) cut and pasted.
Miss Manners for March 05, 2021
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Where I live, it has become commonplace for cashiers and managers to ask whether you will leave a tip, even when the personal care is unworthy or the provider owns the salon.
I think the place could post a discreet sign or have a receipt with a line for tips. Otherwise, the customer is being publicly shamed.
Most of my personal care providers own the business, and I always give them a generous cash gift at year’s end. I really don’t think I have to explain this or be embarrassed by nosy questions. How would you respond?
GENTLE READER: “Not today, thanks” would be Miss Manners’ answer. When said pleasantly, it gives hope that the request will be fulfilled at some point -- but puts the timetable and manner firmly and rightfully in the customer’s hands.
Friend's Sadfishing Is Sinking the Relationship
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend with whom I used to have a lot in common. She has many fantastic qualities, and I quickly grew to consider her one of my best friends, despite her living a few states away. We could talk for hours on the phone every day, and we collaborated on creative projects. When we first met, she had some ailments for which she was on leave from work for a few months.
I quickly began to realize, though, as new excuses for why she could not work began to pop up (and the paid leave from work extended on and on), that dwelling on her ailments and illnesses and many symptoms is a very big fixation for her and not just a passing hardship. I also began to find it odd when she would become furious at her husband if he ever became ill with a cold or flu and got attention or sympathy from others.
I am not sure if this person is genuinely experiencing chronic pain, suffering from hypochondria, or suffering from Munchausen syndrome. As I am neither a doctor nor footing the bill for her medical leave, the truth is really none of my concern. I believe that if your mind tells you you are suffering, then you will suffer.
What IS my concern is that our conversations have become one-sided fishings for sympathy. I am tired of the negativity and having to console and comfort someone constantly, when it has become clear that she does not do anything to help her situation.
I recently went on a fantastic weeklong trip and she didn't once express interest in hearing about my trip, though we share a love of travel. Instead, upon receiving my first message that I was back home and had internet again, she immediately began to complain that she tripped a few days earlier and went into great detail about how sore her shoulder is and how she might have fractured something, or how she had to chop wood for the wood stove and now has a terrible backache that makes it difficult to sleep (despite having a free way to heat her home in the winter, which seems like a plus to me!).
Is it ruder to ignore her complaints, or is it ruder to tell her the truth as to why our friendship is now strained?
GENTLE READER: The answer will depend on how you approach each option. Telling your friend that her recitation of symptoms has become a bore is ruder than excusing yourself for the delay before you returned her call, or finding that you have to get off the phone now.
Never answering messages, or interrupting your friend to change the subject, is ruder than telling her how much you feel for her suffering, but you miss the times when you used to enjoy one another’s company so much because you had so many happy things to talk about.
As to which is to be preferred, Miss Manners recognizes that the latter, while more difficult, may be worth a try with a dear friend who has lost her way. But she will understand if you choose the former.
Miss Manners for March 04, 2021
(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Head Off Masking and Political Disputes Before Guests Arrive
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Not only am I, like so many others, having to grapple with the threat of COVID-19 contamination, but also with the increasingly vitriolic political situation that has divided my friends and family. Therefore, I’ve put signs over my front door that read “MASKS MUST BE WORN,” and “NO POLITICS,” as well as similar placards throughout the house, particularly near the dinner table.
Some have already said that this approach is laughable and makes me a rude host, even mentioning infringement of free speech.
Normally, I might agree, but I’m wondering if these temporary regulations might be allowed during trying times.
GENTLE READER: Free speech has its limits, even overlooking the fact that restricting it applies to the government, not citizen hosts.
Your real problem is that neither the Constitution nor etiquette endows hosts with legislative, executive or judicial powers. Banning behavior that will endanger or offend yourself or other guests must be done politely, which means in individual conversations before the day of the event. Miss Manners realizes this may not be taken well by potential guests, but it has the advantage of setting the ground rules before anyone sets foot in the door.
Miss Manners for March 03, 2021
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it correct to use the verb "invite" as a substitute for the noun "invitation"? Example: "I have received an invite.”
GENTLE READER: Certain not.
Miss Manners for March 03, 2021
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been in a tiff with my sister-in-law for about a year, when her ill-considered words rocked my marriage. We are still healing, and my hubby continues seeing a therapist. Good thing they live on the other side of the country.
But that is not the issue, just the background. I just learned that my sister-in-law’s elderly mom looked so bad she was sent directly to the hospital. Coughing, feverish, low energy, no appetite, food has no taste ...
The COVID test came back negative. What they learned was so much worse. Her mother is dying of stage 4 cancer and has only a short time to live. Having cared for my father during his non-Hodgkin's lymphoma chemotherapy before he passed, I really have sympathy for my sister-in-law's situation.
Is it wrong to express condolence or sympathy before someone dies? How can I acknowledge her pain at watching a parent die and continue to withhold an olive branch? I am not ready to forgive her yet.
GENTLE READER: The military have a term for what you are proposing. They call it a cease-fire: Everyone stops shooting, which the troops know is not at all the same thing as turning in your weapons and going home.
The etiquette equivalent is to refrain from references to past indiscretions while you are dealing with your sister-in-law’s anticipated loss. You cannot yet offer condolences -- that would be, at best, indelicate -- but you can offer sympathy and, if possible at a distance, what the Army (you have put Miss Manners in a military frame of mind) would call logistical support.
Miss Manners for March 03, 2021
(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)