DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been in a tiff with my sister-in-law for about a year, when her ill-considered words rocked my marriage. We are still healing, and my hubby continues seeing a therapist. Good thing they live on the other side of the country.
But that is not the issue, just the background. I just learned that my sister-in-law’s elderly mom looked so bad she was sent directly to the hospital. Coughing, feverish, low energy, no appetite, food has no taste ...
The COVID test came back negative. What they learned was so much worse. Her mother is dying of stage 4 cancer and has only a short time to live. Having cared for my father during his non-Hodgkin's lymphoma chemotherapy before he passed, I really have sympathy for my sister-in-law's situation.
Is it wrong to express condolence or sympathy before someone dies? How can I acknowledge her pain at watching a parent die and continue to withhold an olive branch? I am not ready to forgive her yet.
GENTLE READER: The military have a term for what you are proposing. They call it a cease-fire: Everyone stops shooting, which the troops know is not at all the same thing as turning in your weapons and going home.
The etiquette equivalent is to refrain from references to past indiscretions while you are dealing with your sister-in-law’s anticipated loss. You cannot yet offer condolences -- that would be, at best, indelicate -- but you can offer sympathy and, if possible at a distance, what the Army (you have put Miss Manners in a military frame of mind) would call logistical support.