DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it correct to use the verb "invite" as a substitute for the noun "invitation"? Example: "I have received an invite.”
GENTLE READER: Certain not.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it correct to use the verb "invite" as a substitute for the noun "invitation"? Example: "I have received an invite.”
GENTLE READER: Certain not.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Not only am I, like so many others, having to grapple with the threat of COVID-19 contamination, but also with the increasingly vitriolic political situation that has divided my friends and family. Therefore, I’ve put signs over my front door that read “MASKS MUST BE WORN,” and “NO POLITICS,” as well as similar placards throughout the house, particularly near the dinner table.
Some have already said that this approach is laughable and makes me a rude host, even mentioning infringement of free speech.
Normally, I might agree, but I’m wondering if these temporary regulations might be allowed during trying times.
GENTLE READER: Free speech has its limits, even overlooking the fact that restricting it applies to the government, not citizen hosts.
Your real problem is that neither the Constitution nor etiquette endows hosts with legislative, executive or judicial powers. Banning behavior that will endanger or offend yourself or other guests must be done politely, which means in individual conversations before the day of the event. Miss Manners realizes this may not be taken well by potential guests, but it has the advantage of setting the ground rules before anyone sets foot in the door.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been in a tiff with my sister-in-law for about a year, when her ill-considered words rocked my marriage. We are still healing, and my hubby continues seeing a therapist. Good thing they live on the other side of the country.
But that is not the issue, just the background. I just learned that my sister-in-law’s elderly mom looked so bad she was sent directly to the hospital. Coughing, feverish, low energy, no appetite, food has no taste ...
The COVID test came back negative. What they learned was so much worse. Her mother is dying of stage 4 cancer and has only a short time to live. Having cared for my father during his non-Hodgkin's lymphoma chemotherapy before he passed, I really have sympathy for my sister-in-law's situation.
Is it wrong to express condolence or sympathy before someone dies? How can I acknowledge her pain at watching a parent die and continue to withhold an olive branch? I am not ready to forgive her yet.
GENTLE READER: The military have a term for what you are proposing. They call it a cease-fire: Everyone stops shooting, which the troops know is not at all the same thing as turning in your weapons and going home.
The etiquette equivalent is to refrain from references to past indiscretions while you are dealing with your sister-in-law’s anticipated loss. You cannot yet offer condolences -- that would be, at best, indelicate -- but you can offer sympathy and, if possible at a distance, what the Army (you have put Miss Manners in a military frame of mind) would call logistical support.
(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
DEAR MISS MANNERS: A colleague of mine likes to tell jokes and will preface a punchline with "Pardon my French," and then follow with something that is either obscene or offensive, ending with a boisterous laugh.
I detest this sort of boorish behavior, but any look of disdain on my behalf only leads him to take further aim at me, saying things like, "Oh, we mustn't offend poor Tania!" making me look prudish and stuffy, which I am not.
I must deal with him frequently and can never be certain when he'll erupt into this sort of embarrassing vulgarity. Can Miss Manners suggest a way to respond?
GENTLE READER: If you will first kindly explain to Miss Manners what is so terrible about being considered prudish and stuffy. By your own account, we could use a touch more of that, considering how much we have of the opposite.
But as you asked for an alternative, Miss Manners suggests, “I’m afraid you are about to offend our French friends. They would hate being characterized as a smutty nation.”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do you politely decline an invitation to a friend’s house because you feel they are not careful enough or do not wear masks?
GENTLE READER: By resisting the temptation to deliver a lecture in return for an offer of hospitality. If you say, “Thank you, but I am leading a restricted life these days,” Miss Manners hopes your friend will resist the temptation to lecture you -- and perhaps even be influenced by your example.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude for a person to ask what a student's grades are?
GENTLE READER: Not if it is your parent. Miss Manners agrees that anyone else who does is rude, starting with the fellow student who is only looking for a chance to show off.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Back in the 1970s, my mother-in-law wanted me to call her “Mom,” and every weekend, when my husband and I went to her home for Sunday dinner, she started the hug hello and then the hug goodbye.
This felt foreign to me. “Mom" was reserved for my mom, and I don’t feel like hugging anyone unless there’s an extreme reason to, such as if someone is ill, or close to death, or if you haven’t seen them in some time. I was an only child and brought up to be more reserved. My husband was also an only child, but apparently in a more huggy family.
Fast-forward and I think, did it really hurt for me to hug her? After all, she never had a daughter and lost her husband and mother in a three-week period. It was acting on my part maybe, but it made her feel good. Like they say, “Pick your battles.”
GENTLE READER: Huggy time has now passed, the pandemic having made us learn ways of showing good will without touching. And as hugs were overused, Miss Manners is not sorry to see them go as a routine greeting, but she will miss handshakes.
However, she appreciates the lesson you learned from this experience: that sometimes it is worthwhile to make trivial compromises in order to make someone happy.
(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
DEAR MISS MANNERS: How should you address the president and his wife in correspondence? Would the proper honorifics for correspondence with the current president and his wife be Mr. Joe and Dr. Jill Biden?
GENTLE READER: Perhaps you ask because of the kerfuffle about whether the title “doctor” should be used by doctors of philosophy. That should not be an issue in this case, because it is known that the lady in question does use it.
But there is a different, almost-forgotten rule that applies here. That is that the president of the United States is the preeminent person by that surname, as is the president’s spouse, and therefore their first names are not used.
Miss Manners realizes that this doesn’t make much sense, but then, tradition often doesn’t, and that is not always a disqualifying factor.
A silly example: In the 19th century, Caroline Astor, the wife of William Astor, was considered by some, most prominently herself, to be the leader of New York society. She therefore insisted upon being just “Mrs. Astor,” while others who had married into the family needed to specify which (lesser) Mrs. Astor they were -- that is to say, it was necessary for them to use their husbands’ full names.
Still following? And let’s not get sidetracked by the formal nomenclature of ladies, in which their own given names were not used, let alone their surnames of birth. It was accepted at the time.
Finally, the answer to your question:
“The President and Dr. Biden.”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please tell me the proper way of addressing an envelope to a Supreme Court justice and his or her spouse.
GENTLE READER: These questions did not arrive at the same time, but Miss Manners is gratified to know that citizens are addressing their government leaders respectfully, whatever it is that they intend to say.
Allowing for spousal titles or different surnames when applicable, Supreme Court justices and their spouses are addressed as:
“Justice Fairman and Mrs. Fairman” or “Justice Wisdom and Mr. Wisdom.”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: When a couple got married, she decided to hyphenate her maiden name and her husband’s last name.
Is it proper for the husband also to hyphenate his last name by taking her maiden name, i.e. her maiden/his last? Would this be legal on important papers? People are doing some strange things these days, and I can't keep up.
GENTLE READER: Don’t even try.
Recognizing the limitations of the 19th-century terms, “Mr. and Mrs.,” and delighted to see the return of the 16th-century term Ms., etiquette recklessly decreed that every lady could decide for herself; and, although it less often comes up, every gentlemen can decide his own name. That makes work for others, memorizing each individual’s preference, but Miss Manners thought people would be happy having the choice.
No such luck. They want to enforce their choices on others, and they take insult when someone fails to remember their particular choice.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Why do you call your readers "gentle"?
GENTLE READER: In the hope that they will become so.
(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)