(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Locate Stinky Litter Boxes as Far From Guests as Possible
DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have two cats, a Siamese and an orange tabby, both about 2 years old. When the orange tabby uses her litter box, well, it's just pungent and disgustingly smelly. My husband just sits there and says when you have pets they come with smells.
I beg to differ, and what if we had company over? What's the proper etiquette in these matters? I await your reply because I think leaving it, even after one use with fresh litter, is one too many. I think he's trying to gaslight me and he's just being lazy.
GENTLE READER: Your husband's observation that pets come with smells is accurate but lazy -- by which Miss Manners means unhelpful. So do people, but we do not therefore conclude that all activities are open to public viewing.
Bathroom facilities for the pets should be kept out of range of visitors, meaning nowhere the two will come into close or sustained contact, olfactory or otherwise. Within the family, agreement must be reached, with understanding and preference given to more sensitive members.
Miss Manners for March 14, 2019
DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I hosted a large event a couple of months ago, the food was catered, but I supplied the liquor, including two very expensive bottles of brandy, with the proviso that I would take home the remaining liquor at the end of the evening. I spoke to the hired bartenders before the guests arrived to confirm this.
At the end of the evening, after most of the guests had left, I went to the bar to assist the bartenders in packing up the liquor, and was surprised to find that both bottles of brandy were missing. The bartenders told me that they had not been emptied by the guests. The manager of the facility, which has excellent surveillance cameras, pulled the video of the bar area, and it showed that one of my dearest friends had taken both bottles. How do I -- or should I -- address this with my now soon-to-be-former "friend"?
GENTLE READER: Your sticky-fingered friend clearly does not share your (or Miss Manners') ideas about polite behavior. But you do have one thing in common: You are both in possession of guilty information, even if you, unlike your friend, have nothing with which to wash away the unpleasant taste left by such knowledge.
Commercial establishments routinely, and often understandably, install surveillance equipment, sometimes to protect their patrons and always to protect themselves. But your spying on your friends -- even your guilty ones -- is not polite.
How, then, to correct the problem without admitting your own, lesser, transgression? Your first option is to admit the knowledge, but obfuscate how you came by it. "The establishment tells me you saved the brandies for me. Thank you so much! When can I come by to pick them up?"
Being more confrontational, this approach is more likely to go wrong, particularly if your friend has already disposed of the incriminating evidence. A gentler approach is to talk fondly of the party to your friend at the next social event, mentioning that your only disappointment was that the bartender told you that someone helped themselves to the bottles that you were hoping to share with your guests. This is unlikely to get your brandy back, but it may ruin the thief's day.
Subtle Message Should Get Dog Sitter Back on the Job
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have one of those camera doorbells on my front door. Consequently, I can see the comings and goings of a good friend of mine who walks my dogs a few times a week while I'm at work (she has a key to my house; the camera detects motion and begins to record and sends a live feed to my phone).
The trouble is that she doesn't always walk my dogs. I know this because the doorbell camera doesn't show her doing so. She comes over but just hangs out. Sometimes she does homework, using my printer and Wi-Fi for assignments, and sometimes she does laundry (I've freely offered these things to her).
I am paying her to walk my dogs when she does come over, as she's going through a rough patch financially. I trust her in my home; I just think she gets a little lazy and I feel taken advantage of.
I know it sounds sheepish, but I don't know how to say anything to her about this. I don't want her to think I'm spying on her with the camera, but I also don't want to pay her to come over for an hour for her own purposes.
GENTLE READER: The term "early adopter" is, to Miss Manners' thinking, a triumph of marketing over common sense. We used to use less flattering terms to describe people who buy things they know are not going to work. But it does provide an important outlet for etiquette: No one is surprised when told that a new, expensive gadget is unreliable.
Your doorbell camera may be the perfection of safety, convenience and reliability, but your friend does not know this. You can therefore express to her your frustration with your new gadget: It must be broken because it did not capture her walking the dogs all last week -- and you're confident that she must have.
Having said this, it is time to beat a hasty retreat -- to a different topic or a different room -- as the purpose is to warn your friend what you know, not to put her on the spot for a defense. Etiquette calls this technique "the dog ate my video."
Miss Manners for March 13, 2019
DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my daughter was married, they invited close family and their good friends -- well, some good friends. A few of my daughter's friends work with the ex-wife. They received no card or gift from this trio. She feels they have been manipulated by the "X."
1. Should she not send a thank-you note to them?
2. Should she just send a thank-you card, thanking them for attending and celebrating?
3. Should she send a card thanking them for attending -- with a P.S.: "I fear your card/gift was lost" or something of that nature? She does not value the friendship of these three ladies, and shame on them for their lack of class and manners. What should she do?
GENTLE READER: 4. Enjoy her honeymoon and spend her time thinking of more pleasant things. Miss Manners is as perplexed by what you consider the three ladies to have done wrong as she is by your proposed solutions. Etiquette does not require that guests give gifts, nor does it require a host to thank a guest for attending. And it certainly prohibits soliciting gifts.
Miss Manners for March 13, 2019
(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
For Want of a Baked Alaska Spoon, a Regular Spoon and Fork Will Do
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Baked Alaska is vexing me ... it seems to want every sort of utensil because of all its textures.
Would the older way have been ice cream forks and perhaps dessert knives? Surely there were not actually baked Alaska spoons. What might a poor hostess with less than a full intimidating set of flatware use instead?
GENTLE READER: Baked Alaska spoons! What a good idea. And how curious that they were not invented, as that dessert was first made in the 19th century, just when the vogue for specialized silverware was raging.
Fortunately, it can be eaten anyway. Do you have ice cream forks (round bowls with wide tines)? Probably not, as that Victorian proliferation of tools so terrified diners everywhere that it has all but disappeared.
But you presumably have forks and oval spoons, which are the standard dessert service for treats that involve both something crumbly that can be cut with the side of the fork, and something gooey.
Miss Manners for March 12, 2019
DEAR MISS MANNERS: A dear friend of my family wanted to have a baby shower for me (I'm the pregnant one) and my wife. I like the idea of my wife and I celebrating our impending motherhood with a small group of friends and family, but we are both absolutely opposed to registries or even events where gifts are expected.
We are very well able to supply all our needs ourselves, and we don't want anybody to feel obligated to bring anything. If some bring gifts and others don't, I'm worried that those without gifts will feel embarrassed.
What should I tell the friend who would like to throw us the party about how to word the invitation? Also, what does one do at such a party? The baby shower activities we've read about seem a little silly.
GENTLE READER: That Miss Manners shares your feeling does not change the fact that presents and silly games are the chief characteristics of baby showers. Therefore, what you should tell your hospitable friend is how much you appreciate the offer, but that you would truly rather not have a shower, and hope to see her and your other friends for visits to meet the new baby.
Miss Manners for March 12, 2019
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I run a health care office, and I've just been solicited by a former patient to fund her further education on GoFundMe. I know this is now a "thing" to ask for money on the internet, but I am uncomfortable with this and don't want to set a precedent. She is a very sweet young woman and I support her goals, but I really don't care to participate. She lives locally and I do not wish to antagonize her, so what would be a good response to this sort of thing? I also don't want to ignore her email, which would be rude.
GENTLE READER: Is your in-box not overflowing with letters from enterprising people from all over the world, who announce that they hope they find you well and then ask for money? Do you feel rude if you delete these without replying?
Miss Manners assures you that there are only two acceptable responses to solicitations for money: 1. Ignore. Or 2. Give.
Miss Manners for March 12, 2019
(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)