(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Etiquette Offers No Hard Rules About Newlywed's Last Name
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I married my husband last May, however I have yet to change my last name. At first I used our honeymoon and the need for my passport to match my ID as a reason. Then we bought a house and I didn't want to delay our closing due to our documents not matching my name.
Now my husband keeps asking me when I am going to change my name, and I have run out of excuses. This has caused me to do some self-reflection, coming to the conclusion that I am afraid to give up my last name. I am in my early 30s and have established myself firmly in both politics and my career in the metroplex where we live. I don't want to switch my middle name for my maiden name because my sister picked out my middle name.
What is the proper etiquette for marriage in your 30s and changing your last name? Is it OK to keep both last names? Should the last names be hyphenated?
GENTLE READER: What you call yourself is entirely up to you -- not Miss Manners. What etiquette does care about is that you not chastise or lecture others for getting it wrong.
However, tact and sensitivity when presenting your decision to your husband (and sympathy for your children, if they have to juggle multi-hyphenated names) are always appreciated.
Miss Manners for February 09, 2019
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My parents frequently host longtime friends and neighbors for dessert and a chat after dinner and a movie night. Dessert is frequently cake or pie.
My mother often slices the dessert in advance of the event. I personally would prefer to see the dessert being cut, as it offers the illusion of freshness. I commented that I think she should wait until the guests have arrived before cutting so they may offer input on how big of a slice they would prefer.
She replied that since the guests are seated in the other room and the dessert is not presented as a whole, it does not matter. She added that restaurants do not usually display the entire cake before bringing you a slice.
Our friends and neighbors host my parents for the same event on alternate weeks. I asked my mother whether they wait to cut the dessert. My mother replied, yes, and that it takes almost 10 minutes. Time considerations aside, when is the correct time to cut the cake?
GENTLE READER: Before it is eaten and after it cools. Miss Manners agrees with you about seeing a cake in all its majesty and avoiding waste. But she does find it tedious to hear guests ask for "half of that", "no, half of that", "no, smaller", "no, smaller than that" until the desired crumb is achieved.
There is something about bringing out slices that makes one imagine a decoration disaster in the kitchen, or that leftovers are being served. Miss Manners suggests cupcakes or individual desserts as a compromise.
Business Class Welcomes All Who Can Pay for the Seat
DEAR MISS MANNERS: On a flight where there were small children in business class, the business people did not appreciate the wiggling, screaming, crying, kicking of seats and overall disruption. The business people were trying to either rest or work. In their opinion, they purchased a premium ticket to avoid the calamities of flying coach.
After one business class passenger talked to another passenger parent about his disruptive child in first class, the parent retorted, "I purchased a ticket just like you did. My kid has every right to be here. My kid is a kid and can't help it."
Mr. Businessman snorted back at the parent, "How would you like it if I brought my grandfather, who has dementia, and seated him next to YOU in business class? He also yells, screams, soils his pants and drools. He can't help it, either. I'll also lay Grandpa in the middle of the aisle and change his diaper just like you do with your kid. I bet you wouldn't think it cute."
It got ugly, and the airline staff came to calm the situation. I did not engage in either side of the argument, remaining wide-eyed and silent, but I could see points as to why each side thought themselves correct.
I've always thought that business class was the equivalent of the "grown-up" table at Thanksgiving -- that one had to earn through proper manners and decorum the right to sit there. My personal belief is that if one is not conscious of the decorum expected in first/business class, they have no "business" being there, no matter what the age of the passenger may be.
Others believe that they paid a premium for additional space in business class and it does not matter if their child, mentally challenged companion, whatever, disrupts others. Others say to suck it up, as it's public transport.
Miss Manners, please help society with some guidelines on expected decorum in first class. What should we tolerate? We realize that we are flying at 40,000 feet in a tube with no escape hatch. We realize that some people paid a premium for extra space in business class for their wiggly young ones, and some people paid a premium for a business class seat for peace and quiet. Co-existing for these two polarities is getting on passengers' raw nerves.
GENTLE READER: Very little is succeeding in not doing that nowadays. People have gone so far as to bring their emotional support rodents to deal with the stress of it all. Miss Manners cannot help but be amused by the image of irate business class passengers seated next to actual rats, rather than imagined ones. They might start to appreciate human children.
It is public transport: There is nothing prohibitive about who sits in which class except for the cost itself. And while it is to be hoped that no diapers will be changed outside of the restrooms, your examples provide evidence that rudeness knows no age limits.
Miss Manners for February 08, 2019
(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Rude Behavior Is in the Cards for Train Eavesdropper
DEAR MISS MANNERS: On a four-hour train trip, I showed my husband some silly birthday cards I had purchased for my close women friends. These cards featured oddly dressed people -- elderly women wearing an excess of makeup and jewelry, a group of women showing cleavage and toasting the recipient of the card with very large drinks -- no nudity, no violence, no simulated sexual acts, no epithets.
The messages were "Age is just a number," "Come celebrate with your girls," "Now we put our faces on with a spackle knife." We were looking at them and giggling, NOT loudly, and discussing which to send to whom.
An elderly woman who was seated behind us with a young man who looked to be in his late teens or early 20s said, in a VERY loud voice: "I just can't believe the sort of offensive greeting cards that are being sold nowadays! I can't even imagine what sort of tasteless person would actually send such things!"
We realized that the woman must have been peering between the very narrow space between the seats or over the very high tops of the seats and eavesdropping on us.
I put the cards back into the bag and we ended that discussion, but we remained uncomfortable throughout the rest of our journey, especially since the woman glared at us every time we got up to use the restroom. Should we have apologized? I felt her own behavior was, itself, quite rude.
GENTLE READER: For what, exactly, Miss Manners wonders, would you apologize?
The temptation must have been great to say audibly to your husband, "These are so much fun. Can you believe that some people have no sense of humor?" But you did right to ignore what was said by an eaves-and-eye-dropper in a way she hoped would shield her from consequences. Take comfort in the fact that by acting as if you had not heard, her rudeness likely brought her no pleasure.
Miss Manners for February 07, 2019
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I pulled into a parking spot in a beach parking lot where a family was loading up their truck and one of the doors near the spot was open. The man pushed their unoccupied baby stroller into the spot in an attempt to prevent me from parking there. He told me that I should have parked somewhere else, since the lot was fairly empty. I feel it would have been more polite for him to have closed the door to allow me to park. How should this have been handled?
GENTLE READER: Assuming there was much to be loaded into the truck (strollers, beach toys, towels, stray children) and that maneuvering room was needed in which to do it, the proper course would have been to explain the predicament and politely ask you to re-park.
Miss Manners acknowledges that this would be less efficient than ordering you off, but it is more polite. She trusts that you moved, anyway, as there is little to be gained in fighting with a frazzled father.
Miss Manners for February 07, 2019
(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)