(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
On Rules ‘Protecting’ Ladies
DEAR MISS MANNERS: What do you think of the so-called Billy Graham rule, practiced by the vice president and some other politicians, where a man refuses ever to be alone with a woman who is not his wife?
Isn’t that exactly what etiquette has always preached, in its rules about the necessity of chaperones and its shaming of women who were told that they deserve what they get if they go to a man’s apartment?
GENTLE READER: What do lawyers and judges think of laws that upheld human atrocities, even including slavery?
Etiquette, like the law, is tradition-based. But when there is good reason to change, both law and etiquette authorize change -- if sometimes centuries after horrendous damage has been done.
Note the word “authorize.” This process is not license for people to go about discarding obligations they do not like. You did well to check with the highest authority.
In the matter of chaperonage, etiquette finally came to realize how vulgar it was to assume that given the opportunity, any man and any woman must be engaging in only one activity. So, a century ago, Miss Manners’ distinguished predecessors abolished the rule requiring social chaperones for respectable young people. That they were not following it anyway may have had something to do with this leniency.
It had always struck Miss Manners as strange that lingering forms of protectionism have restricted the lady, rather than the assumed predator. She recalls making this point in regard to the women’s dormitory curfew rules of her school days. (Nobody listened, but 10 years later, another student -- a future politician -- successfully canceled the curfew.)
A paramount consideration now is the devastating effect that such appendages would have on female careers. And in the cases you mention, it is the males who are calling for supervision. Perhaps they have the decency to realize that they cannot trust themselves to behave professionally. In that case, they should, indeed, provide chaperones to keep themselves in line.
Miss Manners for October 07, 2019
DEAR MISS MANNERS: A good friend of mine, who is having a baby, received a gift today off her baby registry. However, it's from a person she doesn't know.
We looked, and there is another woman with a baby registry with the same name as my friend, but my friend's name populates first in the list. We think this person may have purchased from my friend's list accidentally.
But now she isn't sure how to play this. Does she contact the stranger and thank them? Contact them to see if they made a mistake? What would you recommend?
GENTLE READER: Could it be any clearer that this was a mistake? Strangers do not look up registries in order to send presents to unknown recipients.
That you have the least doubt about this worries Miss Manners. Your friend should immediately contact the store, which will contact the buyer. If she is then informed that, indeed, it was a random gesture to a stranger, Miss Manners will apologize for suspecting you both. If your friend is hesitating, you might point out that the other expectant mother may be receiving her presents.
Grieving Friend Didn’t Intend to Demand Flowers
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend whom I used to be very close to, but we have fallen out of contact. We haven’t seen each other in over a year now, and only talk sporadically. I saw her post on social media that she had lost her grandmother, so I messaged her my condolences and warm thoughts.
We had a short conversation, and then she told me that if I wanted to send flowers, she would give me the address. I was taken aback, because my finances aren’t in a position to be sending flowers to grandmothers (whom I’ve never met) of friends I’m only loosely in touch with. What is an appropriate way to respond?
GENTLE READER: No doubt your friend has become used to fielding questions about what people can do to honor her grandmother, and mindlessly gave you the suggestion and the address.
Had she made a demand or created a registry, Miss Manners would fault her, but that was not the case here. The proper response is “Thank you,” with no need to follow up with flowers. Instead, you may use that address to write her a letter of condolence -- and perhaps in the process, reignite the friendship.
Miss Manners for October 05, 2019
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My parents are celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. They will renew their vows with a Mass.
My sisters and their spouses/significant others will be walking in ahead of our parents. I am widowed, and was wondering if it is proper to carry a photo of my husband with me.
GENTLE READER: When you said Mass, surely you meant the church wedding service and not the amount of people who would be joining it. Because it seems to Miss Manners that the other couples are highly irrelevant to this event.
Unless this is a group wedding, walking in matched sets seems ridiculous. Miss Manners suggests that you use your widowed status to demur politely, maintain your dignity, and stay seated.
Miss Manners for October 05, 2019
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My best friend and I (of 24 years) have a longstanding minor disagreement. When I give her a compliment, she insists that she should only say “thank you” if she agrees with it. If she doesn’t agree with the compliment, then she will say, “No, my shirt is not really pretty,” or, “No, my hair doesn’t look good today,” etc.
I have told her that when someone compliments her, she should just say “thank you” regardless of whether or not she agrees. It is my belief that she is simply thanking the person for giving her a compliment, and not necessarily endorsing the compliment itself by giving her thanks. Please resolve this issue for us. Thank you for your help.
GENTLE READER: What if you dislike Miss Manners’ answer? Will you take that thank-you back?
But you are right. A compliment, when given genuinely, is not generally something to be challenged or mistrusted. Nor is it to be treated as an opening move in an ongoing debate. A simple “thank you” and show of appreciation is all that is necessary when one is being admired. Of course, that is only the case if the receiver ever wishes to repeat the experience.
(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Slight Misspelling Makes Her Feel Slighted
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My first name has two common spellings with a variation of just one letter (think “Meghan” vs. “Megan”). I started a new job two years ago, and my co-workers only use the correct spelling about half the time.
If these were new acquaintances or people I see rarely, it wouldn’t bother me, as both spellings are common, and my name is pronounced the same either way. But these are people I see every day, and who see my name written correctly every day (we do a lot of email). My patience is starting to run thin because it grates on me every time they get it wrong.
As strange as it sounds, the extra letter means a lot to me. When the other spelling is used, I get the strange feeling that someone else is being addressed. It’s not “me.”
Since this is likely to seem insignificant to others, is there a way I can address it without seeming petty? Is there any wording you can recommend to ask people to spell my name correctly? Or should I just try to let it go?
GENTLE READER: The right combination of tact, humility and helpful mnemonics is essential here -- both for making your point and for having it stick. Miss Manners suggests a memo to the company with something like, “I know that there has been some confusion about the proper spelling of my name, so I wanted to let everyone know that it is, in fact, Meghan, like the duchess. I will update the database.”
And then, perhaps, invest in a name plaque for your desk so that passersby can surreptitiously check when they inevitably forget.
Miss Manners for October 04, 2019
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Help! Our granddaughter is about to be married. Now my husband is saying he is not going. He doesn’t like the time, the food and the necessity to make small talk with people he doesn’t know.
He really does hate such events, and usually I just go without him to various functions, but this is our granddaughter’s wedding. Saying too much will only make him more determined not to go.
Our daughter and granddaughter will be so upset, not to mention how I will be embarrassed by his absence. What can I say to people who ask where he is, without making him seem like a total jerk?
GENTLE READER: “I am afraid that he was not feeling up to it.” You need not explain that what he was not feeling up to was behaving graciously to avoid hurting his family.
Miss Manners for October 04, 2019
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My close friend is married to a woman who is very critical of him in front of his friends, often in emasculating ways. She sometimes seems like she wants me to go along with it (maybe in female solidarity?), but he never seems to try to get anyone to take sides.
What can I say to make it clear that I think her criticisms are wrong, she should not talk to him that way, and she definitely shouldn’t do it in front of his friends?
GENTLE READER: Politely defend him. “Oh, really? I’ve found Pierre’s confusion about auto mechanics utterly relatable. I don’t understand that stuff at all.”
(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)