DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last summer, my sister-in-law’s best friend and her daughter moved in with her and her family. No one is sure how long this arrangement is going to last, but it looks like it will be a long time.
What is my husband’s and my obligation to this friend and her daughter for holidays and get-togethers? Last Christmas, we bought the little girl a gift because we didn’t want her to feel left out while we were giving gifts to our niece and nephew. The friend and her daughter ended up leaving for Christmas to visit family, but we left the gift anyway.
The latest problem happened when I was planning a surprise birthday party for my husband. I chose not to invite the friend, mainly because my husband does not care for her and I was trying to keep the guest list intimate since I was having the party at a restaurant.
When I sent the invitation to my SIL, she asked if her friend and daughter could come. When I told her about my budget, she insisted on their coming and paying for both. I didn’t want to cause a rift, so I ended up caving and agreeing.
After the party, I talked to my husband about what happened. Even though he agrees with me, he thinks we are just going to have to invite this friend to things, even if we don’t want to, just because she is living with his sister.
If this friend was not living with my SIL, we would never even think about inviting her. My husband has known this girl for years, but he doesn’t care for her, and neither do I. How do we handle future situations? Or am I in the wrong, and we should just suck it up and include them?
GENTLE READER: Although etiquette often uses misdirection to spare people’s feelings, it does not do so indiscriminately. (While Miss Manners’ point is that misdirection should not be used thoughtlessly, she admits that etiquette is also not indiscriminate about sparing people’s feelings.)
When you framed the problem as one of cost, your sister-in-law insisted on paying. You cannot blame her for your unhappiness that she solved the problem you gave her.
The solution is not to invent a problem that you think she will be unable to answer (“We have not invited any children and the restaurant is not really equipped to handle kids”). Rather, it is to tell the truth. Discriminately.
This means informing your sister-in-law that, while you would love to do something with the larger group at some unspecified later date (and with an unspecified host), this event is only for your husband’s oldest and closest friends and family. Discrimination comes in by omitting the part about his not liking the live-in.
There is no polite way to avoid your sister-in-law’s live-ins when you are a guest in her home, and you were right to purchase a present for the little girl. However, the obligation is conditional on the daughter’s presence: You could have asked beforehand if they would be there for Christmas.
(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)