DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one deal with presumptuousness?
I have an otherwise pleasant longtime friend who is straining our relationship with her sense of entitlement. She doesn't ask, she presumes. She doesn't invite you to attend a gathering, she expects you to attend. In fact, she often says, "I expect you to be there." Never, "If your schedule permits," or, "I hope you can come."
I was expected to attend a wedding shower she gave for her son and his fiancee -- a slap in the face of conventional behavior by itself. But she actually called to tell me to bring a place setting of their expensive silver pattern as my shower gift. I told her I would be spending $50. She then asked me to be a hostess for the bridesmaids' luncheon the day of the wedding. I said yes, not knowing exactly what being a hostess meant, even though I asked.
I got my answer when I received a bill for almost $200 as my share. More recently, she called to say her daughter was engaged and she was planning showers for her in three cities. When she got to my city, she paused. As the silence lengthened, I realized she was waiting for me to say that I would give a shower.
I was so annoyed by her presumptuousness that I said, very rudely, "Well, I'm not giving any showers." I am not alone. My friend's bossiness and sense of entitlement have cost her two husbands. Even a very patient gentleman I've introduced her to is tired of her behavior. I'm ready to walk, too. Any thoughts?
GENTLE READER: Walk. Especially if your friend has any more romantically inclined children.
Had you offered any evidence of this lady's being "otherwise pleasant," Miss Manners might have suggested a policy of politely declining each and every order until the futility of making demands acted as a deterrent. As it is, she cannot in good conscience assist in encouraging such a person to believe that anyone is willing to overlook her particularly rude combination of bossiness and greed.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it proper to tip owners and managers of restaurants that we frequent often? If so, what proportion would we give them on a $250 meal? If so, where does it stop? Do you start throwing money as you walk in the door?
My husband and I dine three times a month at an upscale restaurant. We always tip the valet, bartender, waiter and wine steward separately, and very generously. Through the years, we have gotten to know all the managers also.
During our last dining there, one of the managers shared that all the managers split all their tips between the managing staff, and at the last event they hosted, they raked in several thousand between them. Although I was complimented that he felt close enough to share this information, I felt it crass that a specific dollar amount was mentioned. After reflecting on this conversation, I couldn't help but think he was hinting that we never tipped the management staff.
I was brought up believing that you only tip the staff that actually does something for you, and the manager only if he does a special task for you. I'm quite embarrassed if I am wrong. I thought managers manage the restaurant and their employees.
GENTLE READER: The etiquette equivalent of asking the fox to mind the henhouse is taking advice on tipping from those on the receiving end.
Your previous knowledge was correct. As for the manager's feeling close enough to make such a pitch, Miss Manners advises you not to let him get any closer unless you have a firm grip on your purse.
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