DEAR MISS MANNERS: If my same-sex marriage is eventually invalidated by a constitutional amendment or Supreme Court ruling, am I obligated to return all my wedding presents?
What if it's been longer than a year? I know my guests have up to a year after the wedding to send a present, but wouldn't it be rude for them to wait the year if they were just waiting to see if the marriage will be enjoined?
GENTLE READER: Provided you follow the rules, Miss Manners wishes you the best:
You get to keep the presents. You do not get to question the motives of your wedding guests. You are encouraged to keep lists of who sent presents so that you can write your thanks and remember to display them when entertaining the donors. You are forbidden to keep lists of who failed to send presents.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do I respond to people who, upon learning of my husband's impending deployment to Iraq, ask "Is there any way he can get out of it?" or "Has he tried to get out of it?"
These are generally well-meaning people who seem to be concerned for my family, but each time I am amazed at the suggestion that my husband should or would ever try to evade the responsibilities and obligations for which he volunteered. If I am able to say anything, I usually respond with "Of course not."
I would like to let these people know that such a question, however well-intended, comes across as questioning my husband's character. Is it possible to do that politely, or should I not make such an attempt?
GENTLE READER: It is not rude to ask for clarification, Miss Manners assures you. You could give them a puzzled look and inquire, "Get out of doing his patriotic duty? Why would he do that?"
When they protest, brilliantly, that your husband will be in danger, you should say, "Yes, but he's in the service. So he knows that, but his job is to protect others."
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Though it's nice of people to not brag or make self-aggrandizing comments, what do you do about the people who are overly critical of themselves? For example, I have several friends (all women) who say things like, "I'd go swimming, but there's a 'no whales' sign at the gate," or "You can wear that because you're skinny; my fat thighs would never look good in it."
What does one say after such a comment? Do you just switch topics, pretending that you didn't hear her? The slimmer women who say these things can be quieted with a simple, "Oh, don't be silly." But, the women who are on the larger side carry on about how their hips keep spreading or how they ought to diet. What would you do or say as a proper lady?
GENTLE READER: "Oh, don't be silly."
Said affectionately, this can mean either "No, you're not," or "It's not worth being upset about." Its greatest advantage, Miss Manners believes, is that it is not conducive to continuing the subject.
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