DEAR HARRIETTE: Whenever I share a conflict, dilemma or even something I’m skilled at with a particular friend of mine, I’ve noticed that she responds by overexplaining it back to me -- often as if I don’t fully understand my own situation or abilities. For example, if I talk through a personal issue, she’ll reframe it in basic terms, offer unsolicited lessons or explain my own feelings and motivations to me as though she’s just discovered them. If I mention a professional experience, she’ll break it down or correct me in ways that feel unnecessary and dismissive. What bothers me most is that this is someone who considers me a peer and a friend.

I don’t think she intends to be unkind -- I’ve noticed she does this to most people -- but the pattern makes me feel talked down to and oddly invisible in my own life. I’ve started holding back from sharing, which doesn’t feel healthy either. How can I tell whether this is something that can change or is a sign that our dynamic may no longer be respectful? -- Don’t Patronize Me

DEAR DON’T PATRONIZE ME: I’m going to guess that your friend believes that speaking her understanding of your situation back to you shows you that she practices active listening. Though it isn’t working in your case, that’s what her behavior indicates to me. She is listening carefully and making a real effort to add something meaningful to what you are saying by providing commentary.

Gently tell her that it bothers you deeply when she does this. Describe how her responses sound to you. Add that while you can tell she is clearly paying close attention, what you want more than anything is for her to listen without re-explaining -- just to hear you, not to try to solve anything. Tell her plainly how her way of interacting makes you feel.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently started a new job, and I feel as if my leaders don’t care about my development. I ask my manager in our one-on-one meetings if there are specific things that I can work on to become more proficient at the job. She always says that I am doing well and that there’s nothing in particular that I need to work on. On the surface, that sounds reassuring, but I have a feeling that it’s not the full truth. There are moments when I sense hesitation in her tone or notice small corrections in my work that she never brings up in our formal conversations. It leaves me confused about where I stand at the company.

I don’t want to come across as insecure, but I want constructive feedback so I can grow and add more value to the team. As someone who is ambitious and wants to succeed, I worry that I might plateau if I don’t get honest guidance. How can I encourage more transparent feedback without seeming pushy toward my manager? How do I know whether my instincts are right, or if I’m just overthinking the situation? -- Unstable Footing

DEAR UNSTABLE FOOTING: Look around at your company or in your industry. You need a mentor, someone in whom you can confide about what’s happening and gain insight into a strategy for moving forward. Continue to check in with your boss regularly, asking for tips on improving your skills or handling particular tasks, but trust your gut and seek out additional support.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend and I have been talking for a month now about booking a summer vacation together to Greece. I recently brought it up again, and she said that she can’t go anymore because she booked a different vacation with a different friend. She didn’t mention it beforehand or talk to me about possibly changing plans. She just said it was cheaper and easier to coordinate.

I was caught off guard. Technically we hadn’t booked anything yet, but we had been talking about this for weeks, and it felt like an unspoken commitment. What hurt most was feeling like I was easily replaced. Now I’m questioning whether she ever even wanted to go on a vacation with me at all or if she was just lying to me this whole time.

I don’t know if I’m overreacting or if my feelings are valid. Should I tell her that this hurt me or just let it go since nothing was officially booked? How do I move forward without feeling like I’m always the backup plan friend? -- Dumped

DEAR DUMPED: You have every right to feel upset about this. Your friend has the right to change her mind as well, but she should have been upfront with you. It does seem like your friend thought of you as the backup plan and treated you as disposable when something better came along. Either way, that is not the sign of a friend who prioritizes you or has your back.

At this point, you can tell her that you do not appreciate being discarded like that without even the respect to tell you she was considering other options. You should also keep this incident in mind the next time she starts making big plans of any kind.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I were on a road trip, pit-stopping in a couple of cities. One of my girlfriends asked if we could meet her for lunch, and we obliged. When the bill came, my husband paid for himself and me and left the remainder of the tab for my girlfriend to pay. She seemed surprised. We had never said out loud how we’d handle the bill, but frankly I was a bit surprised, too. The place wasn’t overly expensive, so I thought my husband would just pay for everything.

Later, when I called my girlfriend to let her know we had arrived at our next city, we got into an argument because she thought it was common courtesy that my husband should have paid the entire bill. While I share that line of thought, I do not think it is her place to have opinions about what my husband should or should not do. That feels like entitlement. Now, I’m not clear on how to properly address this with my friend or my husband. Any advice? -- Split the Bill

DEAR SPLIT THE BILL: You say your friend asked you to meet her for lunch. If that's the case, she should not expect you to pay her bill. The old-fashioned thinking is that the man should pay for an unaccompanied woman joining a couple for a meal, but this is 2026. She doesn’t have the right to be angry. Tell her you are sorry her feelings were hurt, but there should not have been an automatic assumption that you would foot the bill when she invited you to lunch. In fact, modern etiquette dictates that the one who invites is the one who should pay.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a Caribbean American; both of my parents have backgrounds in the West Indies. Although my mother was born in America, her Caribbean culture was influential to my upbringing and formative years. My father was born and raised in the Caribbean. I frequently spent extended periods of time on his home island. Although I was raised in a West Indian household, at the end of the day, I grew up Black in America, and I share many lived experiences with African Americans. I was taught to respect and appreciate the uniqueness in every culture.

I am open to dating an African American person; therefore, I want to ensure I honor and respect the customs that made me while highlighting the beauty of these other traditions. Do you have any advice on how to merge the two together? P.S. I don't like to cook. -- Respect

DEAR RESPECT: You have the unique experience of being part of at least two worlds. Each Caribbean country has its own flair and uniqueness. Pay attention to what is true about your parents’ countries of origin. What rituals and traditions have you noticed? Even though you don’t cook, you can still be aware of foodways. The same goes for music. Similarly, look at your African American culture. What have you noticed those families doing together? How do people treat each other -- and yes, what do they eat?

Get to know whomever you decide to date. Talk to them about their life, their culture, their traditions. If you pay attention, you will naturally discover ways to honor who they are and who you are.

DEAR HARRIETTE: As a young, queer Black man entering the dating scene post-COVID, it is often hard to create meaningful in-person connections without sex being at the forefront of the conversation. As someone who values quality time and experiences, it can be lonely on the modern dating scene, especially with many still suffering from social anxiety since the pandemic. I have tried several dating apps without any real success, and I am nervous to enter many LGBTQ+ spaces alone, considering they come with their own set of dangers and challenges. I do try to maintain a vibrant social life, but I often end up at straight clubs and lounges due to the composition of my friend groups. Do you have any advice on how I can convince a group of 10 straight people to attend a gay nightclub with me? -- Stepping Out

DEAR STEPPING OUT: When I was a young woman, we all went to gay clubs because they had the best music. Everybody partied together on the dance floor and had a great time. Do your research. Find a gay club with a vibe your friends will appreciate, and invite them to join you there. If you are with a group of people, you can enjoy one another's company in a space where you might meet someone interesting. If your friends know you and are aware that you want to go somewhere to possibly meet someone, at least some of them should be down to venture out with you on occasion. Give it a try.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)