DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently welcomed my adult son into my home. I didn’t know him as he was growing up; I learned about him when he was already 18, and since then we’ve stayed in touch through visits, calls and texts. When his mother passed away, he asked to move in with me. My wife and daughters supported the decision, and he’s been living with us for about a year now. He’s 25, has a steady job and is even considering school, which I’m proud of.

At home, however, he’s become demanding and dismissive. He was much kinder before he moved in. Now it feels like he resents me and wants to punish me for not being there when he was younger. I tried talking to him -- and even apologized for my absence -- but he snapped at me and said I think too highly of myself and my impact on him. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I am walking on eggshells now, with no sound resolution on how to change the dynamic in my own home. Any input? -- Walking on Eggshells

DEAR WALKING ON EGGSHELLS: Sit down and talk to your son. Ask what’s bothering him. Remind him that he has been through a lot and you are doing your best to be there for him, but you do not appreciate his current behavior. Probe to see what is going on in his life that has triggered this new negativity. Suggest that he go to therapy to address some of his issues.

If he refuses to make an effort, you may need to encourage him to find his own place. It is not OK for him to be disrespectful in your home. He needs to understand boundaries. You have to draw the line.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter always wants me to babysit her children. I love my grandchildren dearly, but I am in my 80s and they are rambunctious and active, so it’s hard for me to keep up with them. I hate to tell my daughter no because she and her husband both work and are busy, so the extra help is necessary. She often phrases it as, “Mom, you’re the only one I trust,” which makes me feel even more pressured to say yes. On the rare occasion when I gently hint that it’s getting hard for me, she becomes defensive and reminds me of how much she helped me in the past, which makes me feel guilty.

I don’t want to cause tension or seem ungrateful, selfish or like I don’t love my family. At the same time, I want to enjoy what time I have left with some peace. I have my own health issues, doctor appointments and days when I simply don’t feel strong enough to chase after young children. I wish my daughter would understand that I’m not the same woman I was 20 years ago. I want to be part of my grandchildren’s lives, but I don’t want to feel obligated, overwhelmed or like I’m being taken advantage of. How do I set boundaries without hurting my daughter’s feelings or damaging our relationship? -- Tired Grandma

DEAR TIRED GRANDMA: In very direct terms, let your daughter know that you cannot do as much as you could in the past. You have physical limitations. Decide how often you believe you can watch her children -- maybe once a week for a set amount of time. Be firm for your own health and for the safety of her children.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter has vitiligo and is adjusting to the changes in her skin and hair. She's only 7 years old, and as most of us know, kids can be insensitive. Some of her classmates can be judgmental, so it's been an uphill battle reminding her how beautiful she is, and that the differences in her appearance don't make her any different than everyone else. Last weekend at a party, a woman there asked, "What's wrong with her face?" This is someone I've met before, but we are not friends. I was shocked at this person's choice of words, and her inappropriate concern with my daughter's skin condition. I snapped. I think I took it too far, and in the midst of chewing out this woman, I realized that my daughter heard the whole exchange. We went home both feeling defeated. Part of me wants to apologize to this woman, but I'm torn because I see how her question has impacted my daughter. Should I feel guilty or focus my energy on my daughter's self-esteem? -- Protective Mom

DEAR PROTECTIVE MOM: What’s most important is for you to talk to your daughter. You can express your belief that you may have gone too far when you snapped back at the woman at the party. While she was insensitive, it wasn’t the best thing for you to verbally attack her. Chalk it up to you hating when people are unkind to your daughter.

Talk directly about your daughter’s condition. Share whatever the doctor has explained, which includes how to take care of her skin regarding light sensitivity and sun protection. Then address how she looks: different. Be clear that different does not mean better or worse. Show her pictures of the model Winnie Harlow, a Canadian model who went from being bullied and considering suicide to becoming a contestant on Tyra Banks’ “America’s Next Top Model” and subsequently, a supermodel. Though her life has been fraught with criticism and unkindness, she was able to adopt a positive attitude about herself and celebrate her beauty.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother and aunt have been estranged for years, but none of us really know why. Everyone has their own side to that story. Recently, my grandmother’s health has declined, and she’s been demanding that her daughters work things out. She wanted all of us together again for the holidays. I’m the one everyone keeps calling -- my mom vents to me, my aunt asks me to intervene and my grandmother just wants peace. I tried my best to get everyone on the same page -- while under deadline, might I add -- but it didn’t happen in time for us to celebrate the holidays together.

I love my family, but I feel trapped in the middle of a conflict I didn’t create and can’t seem to fix. When I suggest boundaries, I’m accused of being cold or disloyal (to one party or another). When I listen, I’m emotionally drained and anxious for days afterward. My grandmother’s wish for unity resonates deeply with me, but how do I support that without becoming the family mediator or sacrificing my mental health? -- Come Together

DEAR COME TOGETHER: Tell each of your family members that they owe it to your grandmother to show up and be respectful -- even if they never choose to be friends again. Stop asking for more. Appeal to their basic family respect. That’s it.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: A couple of years ago, a friend of mine lent me a pair of pants. Soon after the occasion, I stopped by to visit her and totally forgot to bring her pants with me. I admitted my mistake, and then she told me I could keep them because they don’t fit her well. A few days ago, she reached out asking for her pants, and when I made a joke about her taking back gifts, she claimed that I had misplaced the pants and never got back to her. This is not the first time something like this has happened. She often forgets what she’s said or done or just completely concocts a new version of what she thought happened, inaccurately recalling the details around certain situations. I’m tired of always having to pay for her memory loss. Should I have put my foot down about these pants, or is this not worth it? I know it seems petty, but she did give them to me, and I don’t like being accused of withholding someone’s belongings. -- Something Borrowed

DEAR SOMETHING BORROWED: It may be time to have a different conversation with your friend: Perhaps she is having memory problems. See if you can cite at least three instances when your friend has recounted a different version of a story to you than you remember. Tell her that you are concerned about her memory, and give her these examples as evidence. Know that she is likely to push back. Tell her anyway.

With the pants, review the entire scenario in detail based on your memory. Explain that it makes you feel uncomfortable that she is basically accusing you of lying. Kindly suggest that she get her memory checked.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My sister recently got a dog. Ever since then, the dog goes everywhere with her -- including into people’s homes and apartments, often without asking first. Her dog is still young and not well-trained. He jumps on furniture, has accidents and causes a bit of chaos. I have pets, too, but I don’t think it’s fair to assume everyone is comfortable having a dog in their space. I can tell that when she brings him around, most people are only being nice trying to accommodate his behavior, but they are uneasy.

Whenever I suggest she leave the dog at home or at least check with people before bringing him over, my sister becomes defensive and says that he’s not doing anything any other puppy isn’t doing. She doesn’t bring him to my home because she thinks I don’t like him, but that’s not the case. I feel like she’s missing the bigger picture here of respecting other people’s space or simply asking permission. Now that she takes him everywhere, it makes me not want to join her because it gets embarrassing. How do I address this without starting a big argument? -- Untrained Pup

DEAR UNTRAINED PUP: Trained or not, dogs shouldn’t show up at people’s houses without an invitation or advance permission. Period. Next time you two are going to visit others, require her to contact the people in advance to ask if she can bring the dog. Otherwise, refuse to bring the dog -- or the dog and her if she won’t give in.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)