DEAR HARRIETTE: My best friend is throwing a retirement party for her mom. My parents were invited, so I thought it would be OK to ask my friend if I could tag along. She responded by telling me how much it hurt her not to be invited to my mom’s retirement party a couple of months back. For context, our families have been super close for nearly 20 years. Her parents were in attendance, as well as some other mutual friends, so she couldn’t make sense of why she wasn’t included.

I completely understand where she was coming from and why she felt left out. We did a small dinner party with limited guests for my mom, but one of my other best friends did attend. I apologized profusely and she accepted, but I know the hurt is still there. Things have changed a bit over the years, especially since this friend got married and became a mother. I didn’t mean to exclude her, but I can see how much my decision hurt her. How can I make it up to my friend? -- Forgotten Friend

DEAR FORGOTTEN FRIEND: Do you see the irony in this situation? The only difference seems to be that your friend didn’t ask you in the moment if she could come to your mother’s celebration. The question remains: Why didn’t you invite your best friend to your mother’s event? It’s perfectly understandable that her feelings would be hurt. If it was due to limited space, perhaps you should have discussed it with her, especially since you invited another friend to attend.

Apologize from the deepest place in your heart. Tell her you did not mean to hurt her. Admit that you have not felt as close since her life has changed. Acknowledge that you miss her and want to repair the rift.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My birthday is around the corner, and my friends keep asking me what I want to do. Honestly, this past year was pretty rough on me, and it was a long, lonely road. At every bend, I had to pick myself up. It was disappointing because when I shared with friends how tough things were for me, it seemed like it went over their heads. People weren’t checking in or being supportive. It may have been that my friends were fighting their own battles, so I want to give grace, but I don’t want them to show up for me only for the good times.

I’ve decided I want to celebrate my birthday alone this year. Should I be transparent with my friends and tell them why? What are some ways I can celebrate myself and get my aura back on track? -- Party of One

DEAR PARTY OF ONE: If you want a solo party because you really want to be alone, go for it, but if it is to punish your friends, don’t. That will backfire on you. Instead, schedule a time to talk to your friends to express your sadness and feelings of isolation over the past year.

In terms of solo activities, what do you enjoy? You could take yourself out to lunch or dinner. What about a visit to a local museum for a special art show or a date at the movies to see a new film? The same goes for a play or other live performance where you can be fully engaged and not feel awkward being by yourself.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: A man asked me on a first date to a dive bar. I said no because I already felt like he was trying to see how little effort he could put into planning where we would go. I’m not saying he needed to spend a ton of money on me -- especially for a first date -- but his idea just felt flat-out lazy. In the past, I’ve been in relationships where my boyfriend would see how little effort he could put into me and see if he could get away with it. Saying no felt like an act of self-respect, but it also left me second-guessing myself. I don’t want to come across as high-maintenance or unfair, but I also don’t want to settle for less than I deserve. How do I balance being open-minded with setting standards for effort and intention early on, and how can I communicate what I want without scaring someone off or feeling like I’m asking for too much? -- The Art of Dating

DEAR THE ART OF DATING: The first date I went on with my husband was to grab takeout and go to a park. It was not expensive, but it was a lot of fun. Sometimes the cost of an experience is not a good barometer for its value.

That said, a dive bar may not be an optimal way to begin to get to know someone. You trusted your gut, but how can you switch things up a bit? Challenge the next suitor to do something different. If he won’t make an effort, move on. How people show up in the beginning is a sign of their willingness to exert energy and effort on you.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who works in investment banking, and her hours range from 70 to 90 hours per week. Whenever we make plans, she often has to push back two or three times, and it's frustrating. There isn’t much I can do because it’s out of her control, but I’m upset that I have to wait around until she’s out of work. I enjoy spending time with her. She’s a positive and sweet individual, so the solution doesn’t seem to be cutting her off, but I am starting to feel like our friendship exists entirely on her schedule, and that leaves me feeling frustrated. I try to be understanding of how demanding her job is, but it is hard to constantly rearrange my own plans or sit in limbo, not knowing if we will actually see each other. I don’t want to resent her for a career she worked hard for, yet I also don’t want to quietly build frustration that could damage our friendship. How can I set boundaries and communicate how I feel without sounding selfish, and is there a healthy way to maintain a close friendship when one person’s life is so completely dominated by work? -- No Time for Me

DEAR NO TIME FOR ME: Usually finance jobs don’t last forever at that pace. While your friend’s schedule is consumed by work, choose to see her less. Agree to once a quarter possibly on the weekend or at a time that’s most likely to work. Stay in touch via text, but don’t agree to too many hangouts. Make sure she understands why you are limiting your time together. You love her, but you need to have control over your life as well.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I carpool with my friend to work. I pick her up every day because she's on the way and doesn't drive. We've been late a few times, and our job has a protocol for lateness. My supervisor doesn't keep close tabs on our team's timestamps, so she hardly realized when I was late. My friend's supervisor, however, happened to notice her fourth tardy arrival and gave her a stern warning, per protocol. When she got her warning, she asked her supervisor if she planned to warn me, too, because we come in together every day. I found it distasteful. I explained that to her on our ride home, but she thought it made sense that we both be on their radar since we're both always late. Since then, I made the decision to no longer pick her up and to be on time every single day. She barely speaks to me now. I don't regret the decision I made, but I do know she has a tough transit commute. Am I being too harsh? Should I let this issue get in the way of our friendship? -- Corporate Carpool

DEAR CORPORATE CARPOOL: Your friend tried to soften the blow for herself by deflecting to you. That was unnecessary and unkind. I understand why you were angry, even though it is true that the two of you were late. Were you often late because of your friend? You say that you aren’t late anymore now that you go alone. Are you more conscientious now, or was she a drag on the commute?

If you value her friendship, you can offer to speak to her to break the ice about this topic. Tell her how you feel, but admit that you miss her friendship and also know that the commute is now hard for her again. Talk it out to see if you want to share a ride in the future.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My brother and I were raised in the same household by the same parents, yet as adults we have two very different views of our father. I see my dad as someone who worked hard, showed up in the ways he could and consistently supported us throughout our lives. I’m deeply grateful for him and everything he’s done. My brother, on the other hand, seems to carry a lot of resentment. Whenever the subject of our dad comes up, he focuses on his shortcomings and disappointments, often listing ways he feels let down or overlooked. Listening to this has become exhausting and painful for me. It feels like he’s erasing the good and ignoring the sacrifices our dad made, and I can’t help but hear it as ungratefulness. At the same time, I don’t want to dismiss my brother’s experience or silence his truth just because it differs from mine. How do I respect his feelings without sitting through what feels like constant criticism of someone I love? -- Oh, Brother

DEAR OH, BROTHER: Tell your brother you are sorry that his experience with your father was so bad. Remind him that yours was different and that it’s hard for you to hear his constant attacks on your father. If your dad is still around, suggest that he speak to him directly, but leave you out of it. He may also want to work with a therapist to deal with his feelings about your father.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)