DEAR HARRIETTE: My 30th birthday just passed, and it was awful. I hate to sound ungrateful, but what should feel like a major milestone felt completely overlooked. Honestly, I’ve had a rough year, so I was OK with having a quiet birthday this year -- just some reminiscing, goal setting and maybe some quality time with friends. Someone asked me if they could plan a surprise for me. While the thought was sweet, I expressed that I didn’t want anyone spending money on me, but they insisted on doing something. They asked what I would want, and all I asked was that it be low-budget and that my parents be present. I found out that everyone who attended had to pay, despite it being in my friend’s home, my parents were not invited and the host had a program full of her favorite activities for the gathering. It didn’t feel like this party was for me at all. Should I say something to my friend? Or will I appear ungrateful? -- Birthday Blues

DEAR BIRTHDAY BLUES: You could ask your friend to do a debrief with you about the party. Tread carefully. While everyone had to pay something, do you know how much? She may have needed some cash to defray costs. The party may have had a low budget, even if it wasn’t free. Not inviting your parents when you made that request was not cool. You can ask how she pulled the party together and express disappointment that she didn’t keep your key thoughts in mind. Let her know that you don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but you are sad that it felt like your surprise 30th birthday party was not a party for you at all.

Next time, say no to such a thing, and plan your own event. That’s how you maintain control.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My girlfriend of five years and I broke up a couple months ago. It’s been difficult as we try to rework our entire lives without each other. Honestly, I kept hoping we’d resolve our issues and patch things up, but she didn’t see things that way. In the process of breaking up, I decided I should move out and let her keep the apartment; I didn’t have to do that. To add insult to injury, she is now insisting that she keep our puppy. This is unfair! I did her a favor by moving out. I could’ve fought to stay there, but I didn’t. Now she wants to keep the dog we got together, too? This experience has shown me a totally different side of her. What are some reasonable options here? This breakup has been hard enough; I can’t risk losing my dog. -- Puppy Custody

DEAR PUPPY CUSTODY: Do you have the wherewithal -- including the time and resources -- to properly care for the puppy? If so, treat this just like a custody issue for children. Let your ex know that you want to share custody of the puppy, and do your best to work out a plan. Hopefully, she will be reasonable. If not, enlist friend and family support to help you resolve the custody battle.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I feel like a hopeless romantic. I am what some people would describe as a “lover girl.” I am sweet and sensitive, and I enjoy nurturing, helping and catering to my loved ones. What I thought was a beautiful trait in me seems to be my weakness. I often get taken advantage of by my romantic partners. I can’t tell if I am too soft or kind, or if I am picking the wrong partners who are just not as loving as me. My best girlfriends have been encouraging me to be tougher with the men I date, saying that in their experiences, their nonchalant, stern or even unimpressed demeanors garnered more attention from their suitors. That doesn’t feel natural to me. Why do I have to be mean for someone to appreciate my love? Is there a way to still be myself but uphold stronger boundaries? -- Lover Girl

DEAR LOVER GIRL: Instead of planning a personality change, which is both extremely hard to accomplish and not how you should live your life, make a list of the traits and behaviors that you appreciate in a partner and those you don’t. Be as clear and specific as possible. When you meet potential partners, take your time getting to know them, and be mindful of how they measure up to your list. If they exhibit tendencies to be unkind, manipulative or condescending, move on. State who you are and what you are looking for in a relationship up front. You can even explain that you have been hurt in the past, and you want to avoid that now. Moreover, state what you want and see if you can attract that.

Obviously, you also need to be clear about your boundaries. You can be nice while saying no when someone attempts to cross a line.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am moving away from my hometown to a brand-new city hours away. I’ve lived here my whole life, and most of my friends are people I grew up with. I am 33 years old, and as I gear up to leave home for the first time ever, part of me expected bigger reactions from my loved ones. A few of my closest friends have expressed their disdain -- paired with joy for me of course -- but a lot of people seem unbothered by the fact that I won’t be here anymore. One of my best friends hasn’t really been present during the process of me finding a new home and job. Now that things are finalized and I’m three weeks away from moving, she’s still giving me a hard time about scheduling time to see each other before I go. We’ve been best friends since we were 16. What should I make of this? -- Moving Away

DEAR MOVING AWAY: Your friend could be sad about your departure and unclear how to process it, or she could just be living her life. Rather than being hurt by what your friends are not doing, plan your life ahead. You are about to embark on a new chapter that requires you to be adventurous and willing to step out of your comfort zone. Focus on the journey before you. Do your best not to be upset about the way that your loved ones react. Thanks to technology, you will be able to stay in touch with them. Look forward with confidence.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend I’ve been thinking about cutting ties with for a while now, but I feel conflicted about it. I’ve noticed that the way he treats people, including me, is questionable. Whenever I need help or support, he seems to be conveniently busy or unavailable, yet he expects everyone else to drop what they’re doing to be there for him. The way he speaks to people can be rude and dismissive, and he often communicates in a way that feels condescending. On top of that, he lies a lot, and it’s hard to tell when he’s being truthful. It’s exhausting to be around someone like that, and I don’t feel like the friendship adds anything positive to my life anymore. The problem is that he’s also close with my sister, and I don’t want to create unnecessary tension or awkwardness between us if I stop talking to him.

I’ve thought about confronting this friend, but I don’t think he would respond well, and I’m tired of feeling like I have to tiptoe around his moods. At the same time, I don’t want my sister to feel like she has to choose between us or that I’m being unfair. How do I distance myself from this friendship without creating drama or making things weird for my sister? -- Bad Friend

DEAR BAD FRIEND: It sounds like this person might go away naturally if you don’t stay in touch. Why not simply stop engaging with him? You may not have to say anything at all. Don’t be available to him. As far as your sister is concerned, wait until she brings him up, and then you can decide if you want to tell her that you have had enough of him. It’s fine for you to say that you don’t want to be around him anymore and why, as you also give her space to be as close to him as she wants.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My fiancee and I are going strong, but she’s just been accepted to a Ph.D. program in another state. I always knew that she had applied to certain programs in different states, and I was OK with that. In the past few months, though, while awaiting her acceptance letters, my career skyrocketed. I was assigned two major accounts at work and nearly tripled their growth within a month. With that came a major promotion and trust with some of our top clients. Considering my fiancee’s plans -- plans that she’s been hatching for the past few years -- I wonder if my sudden growth at work is as important. Should I leave my job now and move with my fiancee as planned, or should I propose going long distance while she starts off her program? I want to honor my career while still respecting hers and our previous agreement. I don’t want our separate paths to come between us. -- Split Decision

DEAR SPLIT DECISION: Ultimately, the two of you must come to an agreement, but if you think you can swing it, giving both of you space to build your careers seems viable. Perhaps you should stay put and grow your career as she immerses herself in hers -- at least for an agreed-upon period of time. Many couples manage long distance as long as they map it out and remain committed. Talk it over and see where you land -- together.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)